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Loc: North Carolina
Oh, hello, Yoyo! More (((hugs))) for you.
Yes, S2 (now S3), had a great day. I had to work, but after he had a celebration with his mother, I picked him up this evening and had another simpler birthday party in my partment. He's delightfully into dinosaurs now and I got him one of the Imaginext Mega T-Rex that is electronic and rares back and roars when you press its button. He was in heaven. I also got him a plush little triceratops toy to cuddle up with in bed -- another hit with Mr. dinosaur buddy.
Thanks for asking. I hope TAL's S had a good birthday too.
Loc: North Carolina
Yes, all in all, a not too bad holiday weekend.
The only negative is that I keep having these email exchanges with W. She continues to throw these zingers out at me occasionally that I am impelled to address -- and undoubtedly not in the best way because I cannot figure out the least damaging response.
For example W quoted something I said and took it completely out of context. Originally, about two weeks ago she had said something about wanting to know why, as she put it, she has been so "unappealing" to me since S3 was born. I reponded to her by saying that she has never been "unappealing" to me -- and it was quite the contrary, I added.
Well, the other day she said something that just makes me nuts, "I honestly don't detect a great desire on your part to have anything to do with me still. In one of your e-mails you said 'you are not unappealing' Wow. That really blows me away..."
I tried to rebut this, but she has continued to misconstrue what I have actually said -- and even what she herself has actually said.
So, W just reads what she wants into any conversation she has with me. It doesn't matter what I say, or how I say it. She's firmly embracing the fog and filters out any real message I might convey to her. W has thanked me for continuing to try to "communicate" with her, but I think she's only thankful that I am giving her fodder to justify her walking away.
I have had to restate for her, for the record, how I feel -- that I still want her very much, that I did not want this separation and I do not want a D. But I also added that I don't want this M either given the way it has devolved.
I think part of her just wants me to give up, so as to prove her assertions about me are true. If she can break me, then she can have what she wants unconditionally and without remorse.
I know I am not supposed to read anything into her words or her actions. But I really am thinking that she is trying to get me to throw the towel in. She wants me to want the D by the time we get to the end of this year of separation. She wants to hold out until one of us can legally file -- and she would like me to be party to it. Then she can get her precious D and be free to pursue OM with all the self-righteousness she thinks she deserves. And while I think she no longer has the moral fiber to truly hold out on OM physically, it would not surprise me if she thinks she's "saving herself" for him. I sense a particular pathology in her that is all too familiar, unfortunately.
The sad thing is she would actually try to convince herself that God would approve of destroying her M to me to be able to remarry another.
Andy, I couldn't agree with you more. When you take the emotional part of making a decision logic sets in. This is what happened in the dealings with my ex wife. Logically, if you can get their attention long enough you can make them see things for what they are. Stay away from lawyers for as long as you can, these people make their living of praying on peoples misery. Going dark puts you in the logic realm. In my situation I feel like I am slowly starting to build a bridge back for my wife, she was a WAW. I had an affair, 3 years ago we reconciled and then all of a sudden she just said she couldn't deal with it. She said she wanted a divorce and then she would be able to heal. There were alot of hurtful things that were said in that time, including her having affairs with several married men. And now that she got what she wanted she is not happy at all. I am in another relationship which is going really well, my gf treats my son as if her were her own. My wife admitted that it is bothering her, inside she is still really nice but she broke down in tears when she told me how she felt. The fact that she cried still shows me that she cares, the opposite of love is indifference. She still cares what happens to me. In a way she is almost mad at me that I went dark, but it was the only way for me. Trying to win her back the other way just made me push her farther away in the very beginning. Now that the fog has lifted she is seeing things for what they are. I think she feels she may have made a mistake, and only time will tell what will be the outcome, but I would have never reached this stage if I had not gone dark.
NCB, I'm glad she wouldn't say something like that to him. I know what you mean about the sponge, my S6 is exactly the same way.
W quoted something I said and took it completely out of context.
So, W just reads what she wants into any conversation she has with me.
She wants me to want the D by the time we get to the end of this year of separation.
Then she can get her precious D and be free to pursue OM with all the self-righteousness she thinks she deserves.
I think your wife has a copy of the fabled MLC manual. Mine has hit all of those marks. The miscommunication / revision drives me straight up the wall too. My STBXW is having an EA, but does not consider that an affair because she hasn't slept with him. So after the divorce, she can carry on with this without guilt. WTF? are they kidding?
Hang tough man, you are doing a good job of not letting her push your buttons.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Loc: North Carolina
DB/DR advises us to just acknowledge and go along with the WAS whenever they talk about the R. And that often means enduring a lot of emotional nonsense from them. Logic has nothing to do with their thinking, because all they want is to be validated in their wants and desires.
(BTW, my name is not Andy -- somewhere along in this thread I think someone began to confuse my posts with those from andyv. No biggie. You can call me Bill.)
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks, forlorn, I am trying. And that's all we can do.
That MLC manual is a killer. If it's not actually a book, then these WAS's must be channeling these thoughts in from some common negative dimension. No wonder it seems eerily like some Hollywood Sci-Fi B-movie, "Invasion of the Alien Mind-Benders."
But she is still managing to push my buttons -- the difference is that I have grown to the point where they just don't illicit the same response from me anymore. That's the real beauty to detachment.
Loc: North Carolina
Please, somebody, shoot me! Put me out of my misery...
I keep finding myself in these R talks with W. And all she seems to allow is for me to be the bad guy in our situation. She refuses to see any other way, or accept any of her share in this disaster. And without that, not only will she never truly heal, but it means that even basic reconciliation -- something our sons desperately need for the two of us to be able to properly parent them, whether together or apart -- will be next to impossible.
She really acts like she wants to keep these lines of communication open, strained as they are, but if we get even a hair's breadth close to anything other than me being the villain, she wants to back off while castigating me for all my past wrongs. And the old Catch-22 is that if she wants to talk and I back off, she assigns the old blame of failure to communicate on my head.
Tonight, in response, short of my Last Ultimatum, I have still lobbed the ball back in her court. I asked her point blank to tell me everything she thinks of our situation, what is her "big picture", what are her ideas and plans, what does she want out of life, how do our sons fit into all of this, etc.
It's an opening line of questioning to take us back to the basics, the fundamentals of who she is and who we are and what she sees ahead for us. I may not like the answers even if she happens to be totally candid, but either way, even if she just continues the snow job, I will glean a little of where she really is.
It sure as heck beats being suckered in only to then be crucified by her.