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#1227490 - 10/11/07 12:29 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 5643
Sandra is beautiful and LOL at you not holding it against her re: your wife. ;\)

I *totally* agree with Yoyo, you are owed this, your side of the story should be heard. Meaning, the TRUTH should be heard. Believe me the counselors have heard it all, and only want to make the students have a great school experience.

Wow, your wife. My gosh. HUGS to you.

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#1227516 - 10/11/07 12:46 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: Yoyowife]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks, Yoyo.

That's a very good suggestion. I have been meaning to call the school's social worker (SW) back after she called me at work yesterday to ask me about what I thought might be causing S6's behavior to worsen, primarily on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I talked it over with her, but in the end I had no real answers for her since I do not normally get custody of my sons during the week. I made sure the SW understood the custody arrangement, and I suggested that maybe W could shed more light on this.

Later, right before the parent-teacher meeting, I saw W and asked whether the SW had got a hold of her. She said yes, but she didn't have time to talk with her. So, I explained to W what the SW was asking about concerning the poor behaviors on Wednesday. W actually blew it off and said that Mondays were worse with S6 since that was right after they were in my custody.

So, W will amplify any faults or problems that might have weak relativity to my influence, but will ignore or dismiss any problems that occur on her watch.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1227517 - 10/11/07 12:49 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
Yoyowife Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/07
Posts: 5666
Since she seems to be ignoring the SW, I think this would be an excellent time for you to make an appointment with the SW. Do not tell your wife or son of your plans. It will make you look very good in the school's eyes. Believe me school officials pay attention to these things.
_________________________


Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon



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#1227548 - 10/11/07 01:37 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: Yoyowife]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks to all for your kind support. Need to go to sleep now.

I know I have no where near the number of days as some of the veterans here, but I just passed 150 days.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep well.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1227824 - 10/11/07 11:30 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Hello, all,

I probably won't be around much the next few days. I am making a weekend trip to see my father in Tennessee and meeting up with my brother and his family who drove over from Arkansas. My father suffered a stroke in June (yes, I had that to contend with at the same time my W dropped the bomb) and his health has been poor. This weekend he is being inducted into the football hall of fame at his old high school (he set a state record for yards rushing that has never been broken in nearly fifty years.) This is a pretty important event for him.

I finally convinced my W to agree to allowing me to take my S's with me to see their grandfather and their extended family this weekend. W had originally nixed the idea since it entails S's missing school. Until this past weekend I had not pressed my case with her. (Given her paranoid freaking out during Labor Day weekend, thinking I had run off with our sons when she could not reach me by phone, I have been walking on eggshells.)

I finally asked her last Friday whether I was going to take them or not. It might be the last chance they get to see their grandfather. W said she thought it would be better if I went alone to this event this weekend, and then plan another trip to see my father at a later date after S6 tracks out of his school calendar (we're year-round now.) I told W that was not really realistic; the remainder of this year was going to be very "iffy" with regards to my time-off from work, and another trip later this year would be unlikely. Besides, my brother and his W really want to see my S's too, and they are making the 11-hour trip for the purposes of a family reunion of sorts.

W finally relented after giving her some time to think about it. I asked her was she going to be okay with this, and she said yes, but she seemed a little disappointed, having planned to spend time with S's over at her aunt's. I told her that I was sorry for that -- she has been working so much more since the separation, and I know she doesn't get to spend quite as much time with them as she used to. She said she gets to see them five days a week, and she can plan something with them later this month after S6 tracks out from this school term.

I am still walking on eggshells of sorts, for fear she might get cold feet and change her mind.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1228116 - 10/11/07 03:58 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
runningoutoftime Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/06
Posts: 2793
Loc: California
You are doing your best with the eggshells. Overall I think you are doing well. Even some setbacks are fine. There are times one needs to defend themselves. If you can explain without blame that's always good. I like Yoyo's suggestions with the school. Don't forget to keep documenting stuff!

Have a safe trip!
_________________________
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.

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#1228443 - 10/11/07 08:30 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: runningoutoftime]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 5643
I hate eggshells!!! \:\( You did the right thing, were patient with her and gave her time to come around regarding the trip. Great job. What a nice honor for your father to make the hall of fame, that is nice!! Glad you get to be there.

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#1233156 - 10/17/07 12:13 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: LL44]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Hello, all,

It's been a while, and I really hope everyone's doing well. I see that Sue and lwb are experiencing a lot of grief again from their spouses. Stay strong, the both of you, and everyone.

<journaling>
Had a great, but very tiring, weekend with 2 S's. We drove through the mountains into Tennessee to visit my father and joined a little family reunion. Two S's travel really well and had a blast. My brother and his wife are each really good with kids, and their three kids (D14, S8 and D6) just love my S's.

Although my father looked a lot better than I had expected given what he's been through, it was still obvious he's been not doing so well. He's had two minor strokes following his last surgery, and the prognosis is not good. I fear he's been holding on just to get through his award and induction ceremonies -- I think my brother is right, this could very well be the last time we see him.

Still, my father told me the honor bestowed on him this weekend was the proudest moment of his life. He was so thankful that his sons and grandchildren could all be there for him.

Friday, before I left with our S's for the trip, I caught W's eyes and told her how much I appreciated her for letting me take our boys to see their grandfather. I gave her a hug in gratitude, and while she was still a bit reluctant and stand-offish, she accepted my gesture.

I also thanked her again while speaking with her on the phone driving back on Sunday. She merely replied, "It was the right thing to do."

When we finally made it to the house, and I dropped off our S's, W was suddenly very cold and business-like. She handed me some more bills and two huge black garbage bags (33-gallon type) full of my winter clothes. She wants me to take the remainder of my belongings out of our house, clearing some coveted closet space for her. How considerate of her. Not.

But I am okay. I am feeling so much more detached. I am getting to the point where I really don't care if she comes back, because I'm not sure I can deal with someone who can do what she's done and is continuing to do to me, our marriage, the family we created together and herself. I guess I am starting to realize that I might really be better off without this person she's become. If she were to try to come back now I would really have to think about it. I fear she's lost to me.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1233199 - 10/17/07 12:49 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 5643
Quote:
But I am okay. I am feeling so much more detached. I am getting to the point where I really don't care if she comes back, because I'm not sure I can deal with someone who can do what she's done and is continuing to do to me, our marriage, the family we created together and herself. I guess I am starting to realize that I might really be better off without this person she's become. If she were to try to come back now I would really have to think about it. I fear she's lost to me.


I know this all too well!!! I really know now I'll be fine if its over. And really, do we want what they have become? Can they go back?

NoCode, I am so glad you had such a lovely weekend. You are the ULTIMATE FATHER to embark on a roadtrip with your kids, on your own. I am very proud of you. Many many fathers (and moms!) wouldn't do it.

So, W was calm and polite to you while you were traveling, but then she was cold when she saw you? I am thinking W is trying to detach from you. She could do it while you were gone, but then, there you were, back from your successful trip, all happy and content. And there was W, mad that she missed you a bit.

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#1234403 - 10/18/07 12:24 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: LL44]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks, Lwb. My S's make it so easy -- they both love road trips and hate for them to end.

It was so funny. As I pulled into our subdivision at the end of our trip, S2 started whining and complaining. I told my S's that their mommy was already home from work and was anxious to see them. S2 started saying, "Dont wanna see Momma. Dont wonna see Momma!" in his pouting little voice.

I tried to keep from laughing, and said, "You don't want to see your mommy? Why she's missed you and wants to see you and S6. Of course you want to see her; you know you do!"

S2 replied. "I wanna' go back t' G'anpa's. Don't wanna see Mommy." Too funny. Even S6 was giggling.

Of course when S2 did see W he naturally was happy to see her, even though he hated to see our little adventure come to an end.

So, yeah, stick those two in the back seat with their CD's and DVD's and their books and toys, feed them the occasonal happy meal, provide them with plenty of water, juice, a cooler packed with sandwiches, snacks, stop frequently for gas, food and restroom breaks -- and they would be content riding in a car for weeks or months at a time.

I think W missed our S's; she shows no sign of ever missing me personally. Also MIL was away out of town herself, so W had the opportunity to truly experience being alone. Was she ever totally alone the entire weekend? I seriously doubt it. Do I care? Oddly enough, not really. If she saw the OM or not, I have no control over that. So I am not gong to upset myself anymore with her behaviors when I'm not around.

Also, last night when I made my bedtime phone call to my house to speak to my S's, I noted that MIL was having to put them to bed. MIL almost never puts the S's to bed, and certainly never volunteers. (After dinner she always runs to her bedroom to hide from everyone, cloistering herself away to focus on her own interests.) So I knew that this meant W was out of the house again after 8 PM.
But I said nothing -- I didn't want to know or to even raise a care. S6 offered the info that W was at a "meeting". (Yeah, right. Sure.) Let her be stupid. Not my problem.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
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