I keep finding myself in these R talks with W. And all she seems to allow is for me to be the bad guy in our situation. She refuses to see any other way, or accept any of her share in this disaster. And without that, not only will she never truly heal, but it means that even basic reconciliation -- something our sons desperately need for the two of us to be able to properly parent them, whether together or apart -- will be next to impossible.
Wow. I feel this same way. I actually asked my H the other day "We always find time to discuss my faults and all I have done wrong in the marriage. When will we ever find time to talk about what YOU have done......"
And yes, unless they also wake up, and take some blame, nothing can move forward, it will always be our fault.
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I may not like the answers even if she happens to be totally candid, but either way, even if she just continues the snow job, I will glean a little of where she really is.
This might be good. Give her an open floor to talk about everything, maybe it will open her OWN eyes a bit.
"We always find time to discuss my faults and all I have done wrong in the marriage. When will we ever find time to talk about what YOU have done......"
Exactly, Lwb.
I am just growing so weary of this blame the LBS game. We have barely even touched on the A -- heck, she no longer so much as even acknowledges the d*mn A! -- and I'm still prepared to let it all go if she would show even the least bit of contrition and a willingness to honestly discuss how to move forward, even if we were decide ultimately to end our marriage. But now, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to proceed other than me continuing to stay in limbo and endure being her emotional pinata.
We have barely even touched on the A -- heck, she no longer so much as even acknowledges the d*mn A!
H absolutely refuses to talk about the A anymore. Either 1) he thinks I'll use it against him or 2) he honestly doesn't see the damage its doing...
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and I'm still prepared to let it all go if she would show even the least bit of contrition
Yes, yes, and more yes!!!!! I honestly almost fell out of my chair last week when he said "I realized I am blaming you for everything, to make it easier on me. That isn't right." That's as close to an apology as I have gotten. However, the next topic of conversation was...can you guess...how much I have failed him and how he doesn't think I'll ever change....
"I guess I am not as detached as I would like" Do we really EVER get to this? Yes we can supress our felling but I don't think (even aftera D) we can detach compleatly
H
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I honestly almost fell out of my chair last week when he said "I realized I am blaming you for everything, to make it easier on me. That isn't right." That's as close to an apology as I have gotten.
Wow! That is incredible. That your H could get so close, ...and then dash it all away. If our spouses could just get to that very point in their psyche and let it stick...
And you are right, him saying that little line to me about blaming me really means nothing, since he still fully believes all I have done is what got us here.
Oh well, at least I have this place to make me smile and feel less alone, that's for sure......
Do we really EVER get to this? Yes we can supress our felling but I don't think (even aftera D) we can detach compleatly
Probably not, Husband.
Don't get me wrong, folks, I love my children beyond life itself, but I feel that detachment would be so much easier to do if my W and I had not been blessed with them. In fact, if we had no kids, then I really feel it would have been too easy to detach -- I would have been gone by now. But I'll never know for sure, because that just is not the situation. It's a mute point.
So I endure this for my two S's. I do this because of my love and my obligations to them and the family we started with God's blessings. Come what may, be it divorce or reconciliation, I will be there for them as their father, making the best of what the circumstances may be.
In fact, if we had no kids, then I really feel it would have been too easy to detach -- I would have been gone by now.
I think this too. I feel I would at least be in full blown separation/no contact with H if we didn't have kids. They are a blessing though, and I suppose they cause us to pause, take a breath, take our time with choices, and give it our all.
heck, she no longer so much as even acknowledges the d*mn A!
A year after my wife told me this...
"I don't love you anymore, I am in love with #### at work," She accused me of throwing it in her face and denied having said it AT ALL!
Ummmm... this is like the fable where the kid and his dad see a salamander in the fire and the dad unexpectedly knocks the heck out of the kid. Just so he will remember the salamander.
You don't forget it because it is just about the most painful thing that can happen to you.
You can probably even remember the clothes worn, the lighting, the time of day.
Revisionist history seems to be a hallmark of the MLC WAW spouse. Just like "I never loved you."
They can't admit it because like LWB said, it could be used against them. Somehow they can revise in their heads what really happened to reflect what they want.
It's kind of scary really.
Last edited by theforlornhope; 11/28/0705:37 AM.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
My W and I tried for nearly ten years in our M before we had our first child, so having them now means so very much to me and W, words fail me. We appreciate them so much, given how slim our chances were. And now I know that the Lord allowed them into our lives for a purpose.
So I take this gift and responsibility with gratitude and duty. If nothing else I honor my obligations, and love makes it both possible and worthwhile.
