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Thanks, Root, Husband,

I know. I realize that I shouldn't contact the OM's W -- if for no other reason than it would diminish my effort to truly detach.

And that is what I've got to do. Detach.

I feel heavy guilt for what I have done (or not done) to destroy this marriage. And I know that her actions are her own, and I bear no responsibility for the choices she has/is making. "Every man's soul is his own," to paraphrase Shakespeare. But when one takes those vows, cleaves to another in marriage, becoming "one flesh", it becomes very difficult to segregate the stain on your spouse's soul from your own.

And as a born-again Christian I feel the need to reach out and speak to someone who is about to make a mortal, spiritually damaging mistake. I just have to come to grips with the harsh reality that right now she sees me as her enemy, and will thus do the opposite of what I might advise. If I truly love her, I have to set her free -- even if it means she falls. Detachment protects us from being damaged ourselves by the spouse's actions and behaviors. It is just so hard to do. It is very much as Michele says -- it is the most difficult thing you might ever have to do in your life.

In retrospect, W is very much like someone who has a drug or alcohol addiction, the same kind of denials, paranoia and rationalizations. In that case, I can't really help her, not until she hits bottom and is ready to recognize her problems and become willing to do somehing about them, if ever. I need to work on my own issues in the mean time, and focus on my S's and heal the tattered remains of what was my family.

My gratitude to everyone here and to Michele and others for having this forum is immeasurable. Thanks again.

<journaling>
I woke up just before 5 AM this morning. S6 was sick, had a fever and needed to throw up. I helped him through it, resisting the instinctual urge to call my W, the RN to get her advice. I tried to shake myself from having that reflex, to remember that I was, in effect, a single parent in this instance and that I no longer had a spouse at the ready to help out in such a matter. Not at this time.

I got S6 back to rest for a little while more. I curled up on a cushion beside the S's bunkbed and tried to keep watch. About daylight, S6 awoke complaining of stomach pains. He also had a noticeable temperature. Likely a stomache virus.

Unfortunately, I realized I had pain relievers and other medicines in the apartment that would be suitable for children, but nothing for upset stomaches. I saddled them all up in the car and managed to get them to the nearest grocery store to get something with sodium bicarbonate, to ease S6's stomache pains. I also got some of the pink stuff just in case.

After we got home, I gave the upset stomache medicine and some Ibuprofen to S6 -- it wasn't long before he was feeling a bit better, but his fever was still going.

We didn't make it to Church today, for obvious reasons. This is the first time in months we haven't managed to go. So I'm planning a little devotional with the boys today here in the apartment. S6 seems fine now, but I am closely watching his temperature.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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NoCode

I just wanted to pop in and tell you you are doing amazingly well. I know what you are going through is very difficult. I understand the guilt of your part in the problems in the marriage, but you need to remember that the A is truly on your W's shoulders. She made that choice.

You are an amazing dad and those boys know it.


Kali

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Sorry about S6, its so hard when they are miserable. Glad you took control (You are Daddy!!) and handled it. That will surprise W.

I am getting to the point of knowing I have to let H go, or at least let him know he is free to go. I have to realize that he might not come back (or even stay with OW) but if he doesn't go, he'll feel trapped and nothing will change. How sad.

Our situations are similar (same timeline for A's, although I see you aren't sure hers is PA), and our kids are the same age except mine are girls.

Take care and hope S6 feels better soon.

LL44 #1193503 09/09/07 04:37 PM
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Many thanks, LWB. I really appreciate it.

I had for a while questioned whether I wanted to know more about my W's A with the OM -- whether it had gone PA or not. I still wonder, but it does me no good. I know enough already, and I understand that for a woman an EA is just as threatening to the marriage as a PA. Either way, it is not good for the M.

My heart goes out to you in that you now have solid confirmation of your H's betrayal. And definitely TMI at that.

The thing with the kids though -- that one is particularly painful. I know. I found out the OM had visited my house while I was at work back in June. He was introduced to my S's and the MIL. He fauned all over the boys and was so syrupy around the MIL, showing so much interest in her needle-point work. I wouldn't know about it except the MIL bragged about how he glowed over her handiwork (as if I had never done so in the past. Familiarity breeds contempt, I guess.)

The W blew it off as OM simply coming by to give advice about our kitchen (which I am slated to repaint this Fall.) I see it as sizing him up with the family as my replacement. And mind you, here's the kicker -- if he's been such a good friend to W all these years, why have I never met him in person? I've met all her female co-workers over the years, but why was I never formally introduced to the sole male RN in their organization? And yet he gets invited into my home, when I am not there?!

Yeah, I've got quite a few anger and trust issues to sort out. I know. I've got to detach. I've got to detach. I've got to detach...

Thanks for listening and supporting.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
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NoCode, OM being in your home is just soooo awful. And they just don't see how inappropriate it is.

H spent ALL summer going to the park, the pool, the library, grocery shopping, etc with OW and her kids. I knew he was going to these places (I work in the evenings, he has the kids, I was blindly thrilled he was getting out and enjoying the summer), but he would leave out that it was always with OW. I am talking daily events with her and her kids.

Detachment and anger issues. Let me know if you figure it out. ;\)

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<Journaling>

This weekend has turned out to be pretty much negative. The W and I had another disagreement last night. She's already upset with me for S6 being sick (like I wanted S6 to get sick, even if it is not in my power to make it happen.) She's the RN so she was particularly mad I didn't consult with her before trying to get him some medicine for his stomach. (I can't win.)

Among all the many, many other reasons she stays perpetually angry and distrustful of me, it was the fact that I did not tell her what was going on with my mother that has her upset now.

My poor mom. She just sold her home to move in with my youngest brother in an apartment. She's been through a lot in the last few years and she was tired of maintaining her own home, so she sold her house and took the remaining equity and put it into her retirement. She's leased a new apartment along with my "kid" brother until the both of them can make some longer term decisions about each of their lives.

She had completed her move only this past Friday, and yesterday the entire apartment complex burned down. The both of them lost everything. I spent a good portion of yesterday afternoon trying to coordinate information with my other brother, his wife and my mother and youngest brother.

I finally told W last night when calling at the S's bedtime. She got upset at me for all the stupid inconsiderate things I've been doing of late, including not telling her about this.

I apologized saying that she has been misjudging me of late and that I should not have misjudged her. But she has shown no interest in talking with my family. They had accepted W fully into the family when we married and have come to love her dearly. But since the bomb she has never returned their calls and refuses to talk to them. It is one thing if she has a beef with me, but they (my side of the family) did nothing to deserve this cold, callous treatment from her. So I apologized, but I had assumed she really didn't care.

W called me back later (I'm in the gym working out and should have not taken her call) telling me that I needed to gather all of the digital photos together that I had and to print them all out for my mother. She even offered to put them into an album and she would mail them to my mom for me. Then she told me to tell my mother how sorry she was for this tragedy.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten angry with W, but it rubbed me the wrong way. She was again bossing me around, telling me what I needed to do -- after she had abdicated that role in my life (it was a role I should never have granted her very controlling nature in the first place.) I thanked her for her suggestions, but I told her I resented the fact that she still thinks that I am still too unfeeling and inconsiderate enough to come up with these thoughtful gestures on my own. In fact my brother, his W and I were already in plans to gather all the photos we could among ourselves and the extended family. I thanked her for the album suggestion, and I would take care of that. As for passing along condolences from W to my mother, I told W that if she was truly concerned for my mother and my family, why doesn't she just call them herself?

She said, "I can't do that." I paused and said, "fine."

She also asked about my C session that afternoon, particularly the part about Hosea. I told her that the C meant the passage to have bearing on my situation and not hers. It is a story about humility, compassion and forgiveness. What I gather from the C is that I need to realize that W is going to do what she's going to do, she's made her choice, and that like Hosea with his W and , by the analogy, God and the Israelites, I have to let the person I love fall, make their mistakes, let them suffer for their choices, and be forgiving of them when (or if) they come to their senses and seek forgiveness. W continues to resist this analogy, saying she will never come back, and that it is over between us. She says that I refuse to accept her decisions -- she "knows" that I will never accept that the marriage is dead.

I told her I agreed the marriage was now dead, and that the only way to resurrect it would have been to start over anew, with a new relationship together, but she has not only been unwilling to even try, but has actually been attempting to undermine any such possibility. As long as someone else was in the picture there was no chance she would ever attempt to see any other possibilities.

She got a call from someone else at that point (at nearly 11 PM at night) and said she'd have to call me back a little later to continue the conversation. Hurt, (because I knew of only one other person who would be calling her so late at night) I calmly said, "What would be the point? You've already told me there is nothing I can say to you to change your feelings. And I know that. So,... good bye."

Yes, this was another backslide. A very deep backslide back into the pit. It now sets the stage for for going dark on a very sour note. Unlike W, I have a difficult time not being open and honest. I cannot easily fake my thoughts and feelings; it's so against my nature. The best I have ever been to do was to clam up, hide in my shell, and not say anything. But I know that only makes me angry, bottling it up like that. I've got a lot of growing yet to do. I'm not there yet. Unfortunately, I see that my lack of progress in this area is killing any chance I might have had to help my W.

I've got to detach. Lord, help me.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: May 2006
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GALing will help with detaching. I think you are doing quite well. Maybe you already wrote about this, but why did you move out of the house?


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
why did you move out of the house?


Believe me -- this was not by choice. The W had already signed a lease to move into a 3-bedroom apartment taking MIL and our 2 S's, scheduled for week of July 9. She was dead-cert determined to have her own space -- with the MIL as her cheerleader, she was not bluffing, nor was she going to procrastinate, as some WAS's might do.

This h*ll-bent--for-leather separation was bad enough, but the fact that she was going to uproot our 2 S's to do so was too much for me to bear. It was so selfish and unfair to my children.

So I convinced her to cancel her lease, we'd both "eat" the lost deposit money and processing fees, and I would volunteer to be the one to leave and move into an apartment instead.

Wise or not, I sacrificed my own comfort for the sake of my sons. If the separation had to be, then I did not want them to have to pay for the stupidity of their parents.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,793
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Well, that was kind of you. I'm sure it's much more comfortable for all of them there. But I completely understand you wanting to do what's best for the children. You are a good dad. Try not to feel too bad about OM at your house. Keep in mind all the memories in that house include you. Furniture you and your wife bought, etc... It's never as idealic as we imagine.

I hope you are doing things to help enjoy some of the alone time, but staying busy and GALing too. Have you made friends in your apartment complex? Maybe look for community events to attend? Perhaps you should arrange a party there. Invite people from work and maybe even some neighbors????

By the way, what kind of custody arrangements have you come up with so far? How much time do you get to spend with the boys?

By the way, it's not stupidity of parents, it's parent.... sorry, just had to throw that in. I hate seeing you be so hard on yourself when you have been the one willing to work on things.

Now, go make some fun plans for the week and weekend!!!!!!!


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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Thanks, Root. I appreciate the nice thoughts. I, like most of us here, am trying to do what little I can to make the most of a tough situation.

I have tried a few things for GAL.
  • I was taking (Country Western) dance lessons, but I still suck at it, and don't seem to be improving. It has gotten me out among other folks though, and that's good.
  • I have re-taken up Tai Chi, but mostly as a solitary endeavor -- I haven't yet found the right instructor at the right price yet, but I'm still looking.
  • I rebegan camping, and am going to slowly introduce it to the S's. S6 will be old enough for Cub Scouts next Spring, so by that time we'll have that and camping to look forward to.
  • I haven't made too many friends yet in the apartment, other than being acquantanced with some of the other parents who bring their kids to the swimming pool every weekend.
  • On Monday evenings, I am attending a DivorceCare group at a local church. It is a program for Christian support groups, for people who are either divorced or separated. I've met a few very nice people there as well. (I just got back from there just now. The session was on Forgiveness -- more on that below.)
  • On Wednesday evenings, I am participating in a Bible Study Group with about nine other people.


So I have a pretty full plate right now, and I am having to pick and choose which activities I can participate in without overdoing it.

I am Mr. Mom, taking care of my 2 S's, from Friday evening to Sunday evening, every weekend. Plus most holidays. I'd certainly like more time with them, but right now this is all that's practical, or that W would allow. It means that I am not really all that much available for spending time with other adults on those prime evenings when most people are off -- i.e., Friday and Saturday nights (The W is free though on those nights and has been secretly carousing while I've been her babysitter.) But I really enjoy my S's company and being their dad. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

On Forgiveness:
The lesson tonight really struck home with me. The anger and resentment I've been feeling towards W have been harming me when I need to heal. I recognze that I need to detach from the situation, for real. I have been holding onto the pain and resentment of what W is and has been doing to us, and it has been eating at me and disrupting my peace. I've got to let go and let God. I have to truly forgive my W -- not absolve her of her transgressions, not forgetting, and not codoning the hurtful behaviors either. But giving them over to God to handle, and clearing the debt I may feel W owes me. It's not going to be easy given that the transgressions are still ongoing, but is necessary to allow me to truly detach and be able to become a better person.

Thanks.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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