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#118464 - 05/26/04 10:57 AM Re: Making them miss you
jvadner Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 153
Loc: Wisconsin
How do you make H miss you if we are not speaking? Here is my situation:

M - almost 14 years
H - 34 yr old
Me - 35 yr old
OW - 42 yr old and co-worker with H
H - moved out and started A 4/9/04

1st week or 2, very little contact except heated conversations. Then we started talking, long phone conversations late at night, a few sexual encounters. On 5/17/04, H came to house and asked if we could still try working things out, if I wanted my H to move back home, if I would be willing to go out with him more often when we worked things out. I said yes, you're not going to change your mind? H said no, but I have to be patient. Didn't hear from him at all so on 5/20 I called H to see if he had changed his mind. He said no (but I know he hasn't ended R with OW yet). We talked a little. On 5/23 he took our daughter for a visit. Gave me a kiss, told me he loved me when he picked her up (he's been telling me he loves me, misses being with me, misses having sex ever since we started talking). Daughter asked him questions about if he was going to move back home, why OW daughter gets to see him more than our daughter does. 5/21 he calls me and wants to know what I've been telling her about OW. I said nothing, our daughter just has questions and I tell her she's got to as him. He starts talking about how he's going to come and get the rest of his stuff and give me the key to the garage and I say "you must have changed your mind now, huh?" He says yes, he thinks it's pretty much over, he's going to open his own checking/savings account and get his name off of mine, he's going camping this weekend (he'd never do that with me when we were together), he said we needed a neutral place to exchange our daughter for visitation until I felt more comfortable being around him (I think he said that as he is not comfortable being around me - makes him more confused about what he's doing?). I agree and say fine, if this is what you want, I WILL NOT contact you again.

I don't know how to make him H miss me now? I plan on filing child support papers and getting that in place. Am kind of hoping it will be a wake up call for him and make him start thinking about what he's leaving behind but it could also backfire but I feel it is something that needs to be done. I really do love this guy. I'm a very soft hearted person and I know to take him back would be very hard for me but I am willing to try.

Do I just stick to my gun and leave him be, do not contact him at all, file the child support papers...or should I wait with the papers and just stick to not contacting him. I am assuming he will contact me this week, probably a text message on cell phone, to let me know he has put $ in checkign acount for child support (as this is what he has been doing). I will not respond to his message. If he would happen to call, will try to be happy and up beat and end the conversation as quickly as possible. Should I mention to him, though, that I would like to be friends through this or just forget that for now and totally back off. This is so confusing for me.

Julie
_________________________
Julie

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#118465 - 05/26/04 11:34 AM Re: Making them miss you
DBB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 848
Quote:

Walk away knowing that you did all that you could and thats that. The LBS needs to realize that they CAN live without their WAS- and maybe get a better life.




T,

This really is what it is all about. WAW moved out in Mar and has filed. Taking long time for me to understand and work through the pain. I miss her and what I thought was our family (3 children). I know intellectually I MUST go on for me and these children.

She will always be in ny heart just maybe not my life.

Thanks

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#118466 - 05/27/04 08:40 PM Re: Making them miss you
cherylpd Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 544
Loc: Horsham, PA
Julie,
This is so hard! I never know what to do or say. I am tired of trying to figure out what he is thinking or doing.
Quote:

Do I just stick to my gun and leave him be, do not contact him at all, file the child support papers...or should I wait with the papers and just stick to not contacting him.



That's what I did, I did not call or email him for over 2 months. It was the worst 2 months of my life. Your WAH will contact you sooner because of your daughter. The only reason he contacted me was because he knows what he did was wrong (cancelling my health and auto insurance).

We are to meet on saturday but I am not sure if I want to meet him now. I am afraid that the meeting will devastate me again. Any advice????
Cheryl
_________________________
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none. Shakespeare

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#118467 - 05/28/04 10:17 AM Re: Making them miss you
Tom_Servo Offline
Member

Registered: 12/06/02
Posts: 1212
Cherylpd, I have not seen my W in 6 months. If I were to meet with her, I would not only act happy around her, I would actually BE happy. Be strong and upbeat when you meet with him. Be the kind of person that would make him think twice about wanting to leave you. Remember, the whole idea is that its just fine with you that he wants to leave. Its his choice and you are absolutely fine, no, HAPPY with his choice.

Have some confidence in yourself and get your self esteem pumped up. Its his loss. Remember, you are a happy, confident, great person, so he must have his own issues if he doesnt want to be with you. Show that side of you Saturday, dont wallow in misery or let him know how unhappy you are. You will do just great- the best part will be seeing his reaction to the "new" you.

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#118468 - 05/28/04 10:48 AM Re: Making them miss you
jvadner Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 153
Loc: Wisconsin
Cheryl,

Thanks. I'm taking your advice. Not calling or contacting him (unless an emergency) and when he does contact me, I WILL be happy. I did file those child support papers today with the child support office though as he didn't put give me our agreed upon amount this week but I have not heard from him to find out why yet.

I hope everything works out good for you this weekend. I just can't see that far ahead to where things are going to work out yet. I hope for it, even wish for it, but it's so heartbreaking. It's been two months and I've made some changes in myself but don't know if he really knows about them. One of his reasons for leaving (he says) is that I never went out with him so I've been going out on the weekends, trying to meet people and have fun (I'm terribly shy and meeting new people is extremely hard-usually end up talking with people I already know which isn't a lot because when you are together so long you lose touch with all of your personal friends and become friends with people you both know as a couple and most of them were H's friends before we met so). H used to tell me all the time that one of the reasons he loved me was that I got along with all of his friends so well so I figured that's what I should do, become friends with his friends.

Hang tough, let him see you are happy I guess. I know my H is real bothered by seeing me happy and laughing with other people. At our daughter's school program, I sat with my uncle and cousin and we were laughing. H called me after and said it looked like I was having a good time without him (could tell he was feeling sad about it). I screwed up though and said not really, that I missed him terribly and our life we had together. So I know it's hard and trying to figure out what they are thinking and doing IS so hard, so someone told me you can't think about what they are thinking, think about yourself (easy to say, hard to do).

Let us know how things turn out after your meeting. That's why we're here, to give and receive encouragement and advice.
_________________________
Julie

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#118469 - 05/29/04 11:41 AM Re: Making them miss you
cherylpd Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 544
Loc: Horsham, PA
Thanks Julie and Tom,
I did not hear from my WAH yesterday so I don't think he is planning to meet with me today. But I will not let his decision ruin my day. It is a great day and I am going to spend it outside with my dog.
Cheryl
_________________________
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none. Shakespeare

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#118470 - 06/03/04 08:00 AM Re: Making them miss you
molly01 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/09/04
Posts: 439
I don't know how I can make my husband miss me...we've been together 3 and a half years, only married for 4 months! He wants out saying that he's sick of all the arguing and bickering...there hasn't been much of it..but I guess we haven't spent any fun time together as we've been so busy with our demanding careers...I guess he thinks the time we do have is when we argue! Anyway he told me we're incompatible, that he's no longer in love with me and that he's indepedant. Basically he's telling me I'm too much hassle or our marriage is and he wants to be on his own! He wants out of the marriage and he wanted me out of the house and said for me to go and live with my mother! I did the usual pleading, sending letters etc...but stopped all that weeks ago. We've been separated nearly 2 months. I did a 180 a month a go in which I told him whilst I've wanted to save our marriage I realise for him it's impossible and asked to get the ball rolling on the separation agreement and to return the rest of my belongings he said he'd deliver. He said that he would try and get things sorted in a reasonable amount of time and asked how my trip to Italy was etc. That's the last contact I had with him as I'm working hard on my LRT...haven't contacted him for almost a month and still waiting for the rest of my belongings and the separation agreement to come through. The only piece of contact to the both of us was from the priest that married us saying that he's saddended by what has happened and hoped we're mature enough to sort out what is interfering in our marriage...this was a letter sent to the both of us. I've heard nothing from my husband and I've not initiated any contact either. I don't know if there is any hope in my situation...but my LRT doesn't seem to be bringing any baby step results...I guess I'll hear from my husband when he's going to deliver my stuff or on the separation agreement. Our wedding album is ready and he's had to collect it. I just don't know. I think he's moved on and is not missing me one little bit...in fact he couldn't wait to get away from me, he didn't want to talk about our marriage with me...he just dropped his bombshell after an argument...help, advice please. I just think he thinks I'm too much hassle to be married to!

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#118471 - 07/08/04 02:05 PM Re: Making them miss you
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
^
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JJ

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#118472 - 07/12/04 07:18 AM Re: Making them miss you
zbaby44 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 466
My situtaion:
Male 45 (2nd M)
Wife 38 (4th M)
Married 2 years
Together 3-1/2
My post: Can I win her back! (In marital Support)

I guess what I like to know is this! My WAW of 3 weeks left me saying she needs to raise her trouble kids 16 and 14 and they want there mother and always have. I got the old saying I love u but Im not in love with you cliche! Would love to know what the hell that statement really means!

We had big blowout last tuesday over the phone in which I was blamed for everything! We ended that call where she said again, give me my space. I asked her again if she wanted to keep the doors open and she replied yes in a quick hesitation. Sunday she called me out of the blue (4th call in 3 weeks) telling me her child support was recieved in her account and not mine...well I knew this already a week ago. So I did a 180 of talking pleasant to her, validating her situation and I even made her laugh one time. Brought so much hurt inside to me and i did everthing not to get emotional! This is my first baby step of winning her back I guess!

My biggest problem is she doesnt realize how selfish she is. It's all about her and her life and not once has she asked me anything of how I was doing or what I was doing! It was like she didnt even care. She has always been this way for a year now. Good example, one week gone and its fathers day, not one mention, my sons graduation, not one mention, my visit to PA for my mothers surprise Bday party, no mention..Really hurts a guy when you think of all that you have done or what you have done for her troubled kids in 3 years goes so unaprreciated! The counsling, the support, cleaning, cooking, etc. Wife always works until 6 so Im home first most of the time!

The only contact I have is when she will call me! The phone is not the way I can show her the NEW ME until she decides to meet if ever, because her statement is I cannot promise you or guarantee Im coming back! I think I need to 180 this and say you're absolutely right because I cannot promise or guarantee I may want you back!

Does total absence make the heart grow fonder? Does it really work or can if you detach to someone who is all about her? I love her so much and dont know what to do next! Any advice?

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#118473 - 07/12/04 07:36 AM Re: Making them miss you
zblue Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/04
Posts: 277
I don't know yet if the space things works but give it to her. If you don't she will only become more determined. Yes, waiting for the communication to start up can be hell but...it lets her anger and dertermination cool. Things are too hot and emotional right now. Just agree. Now's not the time to point out her flaws so bite your tounge.

She will see that you love her if you give her this space. Read DR and you will understand this. And let her statements to hurt you roll off you. Don't plead, beg, profess your love, none of what you instictivly do. Apparently that just highlights for them what they are not feeling at the moment and pushed you further apart and helps them to rationalize leaving.

Don't strike back, though you want them to hurt too just don't. Believe me I know what you mean about having a self centered, self absorbed, selfish spouse. But right now you just have to let them be and do what they are determined to do. Mine may never come to his senses and come back but if he's bound and dertermined to be so callous and thoughtless, I guess I really don't want him.

It's too soon for you to do anything. By not running after them you are showing them a change. According to the DR they see these things even if they aren't around. Be patient, this isn't going to be over in a day or a week. It's not easy but you can do it.

Hang in there!
Z

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