Some good advice in here...however...I've only been married 4 months and my husband and I are physically separated we have been for nearly a month with minimal contact...he wants to sort out finances etc and seems to have clearly moved on whilst I'm still in shock. He said he was sick of all the arguing and bickering and we're incompatible and he's independant..he was confused and in tears one day then went to clear his head for a couple of days and came back with this stuff. I'm not entirely convinced this is 'all of it'...I don't know whether he is seriously disallusioned which can occur after even honeymoon etc...or he feels he's made a mistake marrying me...it just seems miles away from our wedding day which he still said was the best day of his life and he loved me very much! He's a pretty independant person, and I just think he thought marriage was for him, but clearly isn't...surely if there is arguing and bickering being the only problem you can sit down and resolve it...but he didn't, he wanted out completely! I didn't get a say in it. Anyway next week he has to go and collect our wedding album which is ready...not sure it will do any good...but I don't want it...it seems a bit of a joke now my wedding...I can't think of anything I can do to make him miss me...even in a few months...although it's been a month, he's moved on...without a backward glance. This is what he wanted.
I agee with this post. My W and I are piecing (1mo.) after a 7 month separation. During the first four months of the separation, I was viewed in a negative light. She didn't see any positives to our R. The emotional distance was obvious. She sat in the attorney's office and agreed to the separation agreement and proceeding towards D.
I began to move forward with my life. I outwardly supported her decision to move to Florida. I set limits by having an attorney draft a separation agreement. I experimented with different social activities, and found two that are meaningful. We refinanced the house in my name to set the stage for separate lives. I continued to enjoy my professional life.
I guess she was reminded of the positives of our R and life, during her most recent visit to Ohio. She had every intent on returning to Florida. I had some help from luck as her car needed extensive repair, so her trip was extended. I treated her well during her trip, in a sincere desire to maintain a friendship. Something changed her mind, as she has announced that she does not want a D, and intends to move back home. She has returned to Florida to retrieve the cats and her belongings. I believe that posting on this site, following the good advice given to me, moving forward with my life, finding meaningful social activities, and beginning the legal process, played a role in influencing her decision.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This is an interesting thread all of this, I do agree and don't agree in some areas. If your spouse has left you and you're separated...you can either choose to hold on to them until divorce is granted..or you can walk away. In terms of making them miss you...um..tricky one as you say they are filled with negative feelings...however, think back to why they fell in love with you in the first place? Often time apart and distance can make both parties really take stock of a situation and even if there is a minimal contact, I'm not saying you can resurrect a situation but you can help it along in your favour positively...getting on with your life clearly is key, and it's not too bad a notion for your WAS to be aware of this...often it's not that they don't love you anymore...they have fell out of that in love feeling...sometimes the thought of losing you can win your tide in your favour...it's different for each relationship, different dynamics etc...but it's a choice to love so if you choose to hold on as best you can I think that is noble at least you can say you did your best before giving up...as time goes by...you will know when is the right time for you to give up and move on. Whilst in the early weeks perhaps months your spouses can't wait to get away from you...once they've had distance and there is positive communication between you, no matter how minimal, puts you in a good light, if no reconciliation is apparent, then at least you can walk away knowing you handled the situation with dignity. Often, feelings rule our lives...they are not necessarily our desires and that goes for WAS too.
Quote: However, if it truly is too late, if they have truly moved on and won't look back at all, it gives you a chance to move forward, too, with grace and dignity intact.
My question is how do you move on with grace and dignity? How do you know when its truly too late? If someone could answer these questions I would be very happy.
My Background: Married: almost 9 years Lived Together: 14 years No kids, Me 35 and H 36 Separated since August 2003 WAH asked for D January 7 2004
When my H left in August we agreed to no contact for 2 months but when we meet in October we both stated that we wanted to work things out. From October to November we had a couple of dates that went well, then I guess I pushed him too much. I asked that he moved back home and he said no. I then asked that we start going to therapy together he again said no. Of course this upset me and made him back away.
He changed his mind in mid November and said that we could start counseling in January. We spend the holidays apart then he asked me to meet him at Starbucks to tell me that our marriage must end. No explanations, no nothing! I have asked numerous times for some type of explanation but he just says that it was too painful, that once he calms down we will talk and lastly he said we could go to counseling to end our marriage on a good note.
I went dark about 2 months ago because I could not take anymore rejection. He has not contacted me at all except in March to inform of his chosen lawyer and in April by sending a lame birthday card. Advice Anyone? Hopeless in Horsham Cheryl
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
Shakespeare
Hi Cheryl...been following your posts etc...you've got one confused man...it's not a good place to be for him, but it's not all too negative for you...he's clearly having trouble letting go...only time will heal. Everyone acts on their feelings, not their true desires...all I can suggest is stay dark and see what his next step is. Be honest with yourself too...I know you want him back, but do you want him back all confused?? Michelle says it takes baby steps sometimes one forward, then three steps back...only time and being receptive and not reactive will give him confidence to sort his head out...I know that doesn't help..but I wouldn't give on him yet if your heart won't let you, BUT you can 'wait' in your heart but get on with your life, with or without him...Michelle also says it can take months ...only you will know when it's time to let go, if you're not ready then don't...but in the meantime waiting doesn't mean pining by the phone and have expectations of what you think your husband should be doing or trying to second guess what he's thinking...it's clear he's confused...nobody can sort that head out of his other than himself. You've also had quite a long history, I expect like you, his head is fighting with his heart and trying to figure out if he's able to come back and sort out alot of the hurt and resentment that must've have built within both of you if he feels there are insurmountable differences...he won't want to fail again, failure to a man is deadly..that's probably what he's battling with now, and sad as it seems he needs to find the clarity and confidence again..some people don't let go until they are served with divorce papers and it's final....whatever you feel you are nobly fighting on, but you must take care of YOU. too
Quote: I believe that posting on this site, following the good advice given to me, moving forward with my life, finding meaningful social activities, and beginning the legal process, played a role in influencing her decision.
I'm moving forward to! For awhile I thought my H was reconnecting and then bam, he shifted gears and is pushing me to get the D. So here I am in shock for the second time.
I've gone dark; no contact at all and he has done the same. with the exception of his one call that said he had a missed call from me, not! Other than that nothing. H was coming over at least 1-2x a week and between Oct-Dec 3-4x. Whatever happened I will never know, maybe he thinks he will get rid of his pain, who knows.
All I know is I'm moving on with my life. Finding I don't need him as much as I thought, LOL.
I have to agree with most here; when the WAS has it set in their minds to move on without the LBS, it's best to leave them to it! Let them go on their merry way! Some end up deciding that maybe they should rethink their choices, some don't.
It's best to act as if you are moving on, not only for your sanity but for all envolved. Sometime when we do this, our S's decide they need to work on the M. So no matter what happens it is a win/win situation.
My advice~move forward and detach. Build a life; someday if we so choose, maybe our S's will end their journey and come back.
Cherlypd, to me walking away with dignity is just that - walking away. No more crying over the WAS, no more wondering what they are doing, no more sleepless nights. No begging and pleading for them to come back. Nothing they do can effect you emotionally anymore. Its your choice.
Walk away knowing that you did all that you could and thats that. The LBS needs to realize that they CAN live without their WAS- and maybe get a better life. Detach. Once one gets their self esteem back, they realize "Why would I want someone back that treated me like that?" We didnt ask for this to happen to us, the WAS made this decision and so be it. The LBS must now decide whether to wallow in self pity or take the sitch as a learning experience and move on with their lives.
Sure it will take some time, we have all been there, but there will be a point when you just get tired of all the nonsense and decide to make a better life for yourself. My advise- get lots of excersice, eat right, get therapy for yourself - not marraige counselling, have some fun and stop worrying about things you cant control. Once you feel better about yourself the whole picture will change for you.
Thanks Tom, Your advice is right on the money. I am finally feeling more like myself and I realize that I deserve better that this. So no more private pity parties and staying home to mope. I promise myself to get out and have fun.
On monday, my MIA WAH stopped by to drop off a note. I happen to be leaving for a session with my counselor. The good news is that we are meeting on saturday to discuss our present situation. Wish me luck. Cheryl
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
Shakespeare
I then asked that we start going to therapy together he again said no. 
Of course this upset me and made him back away. 
No explanations, no nothing! I have asked numerous times for some type of explanation but he just says that it was too painful, that once he calms down we will talk and lastly he said we could go to counseling to end our marriage on a good note.