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#118424 03/29/03 01:51 AM
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JJ,

Is that something to be tried if the R is on "friendly" terms. I mean my W IS divorcing me after all but she always complained that I didn't give her enough affection.

I'm not sure how'd she react to that now. I know when it all started I was still giving her a kiss on the cheek once in a while but she would just do a kind of condescending smile...

Isn't that a bit forward? Or do you think it would be warranted?

#118425 03/29/03 02:14 AM
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hacker -

It's hard telling how she'd react to it now, until you give it a try!

Yes, it might be a bit forward, but that's where "experimenting, and monitoring results" comes into play.

It could be a peck on the cheeck, a squeeze of the hand, or shoulder, a touch of the arm, a stroke of the hair, etc.

but she always complained that I didn't give her enough affection.

I wonder what this means. What do you think she meant by this? What ways might she want to be shown affection? What physical things could be done? What emotional things could be done?

In what ways have you shown her affection in the past that have produced positive results?


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#118426 03/29/03 02:20 AM
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She wanted to show more encouragement and appreciation. She wanted me to comment how clean the house was, or how the dishes had been done, or how the floors had been mopped. Things I didn't think twice about.

I've been trying to be more "complimentary" to her lately but there aren't many opportunities. My love language has always been acts of service and gifts. Hers was always words of affection. Both of us were terrible at speaking the other person's language. (BTW, she refused to read that book).

Anyways, maybe having some minor contact first like a touch on the arm or shoulder might be worth experimenting with....more than a slap on the backside anyways...

#118427 03/29/03 02:35 AM
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She wanted to show more encouragement and appreciation. She wanted me to comment how clean the house was, or how the dishes had been done, or how the floors had been mopped. Things I didn't think twice about.

Have you done or said any things now that have shown her that you HAVE thought twice about it?

If she really does like words of affection, it's ok to let her know that you do appreciate the things she did in the past, and you're just really appreciating them now. That you might have been "ignorant" in the past of really appreciating the things she did, but you realize it now.


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#118428 03/29/03 02:47 AM
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I just feel that whatever I say now is irrelevant because she doesn't seem to care. She's on that freight train to the Big D and her family is providing lots of fuel.

I guess I have nothing to lose. I had written her letters a couple of months back but I never got a response. Quite frankly, I don't even know if she read them. This was before I started DB'ing. Maybe she wants to hear it from me rather than a letter.

I guess I can slip some comments in my frequent interactions with her without being too obvious...

I need to test the waters somehow because I feel that right now we are on friendly terms but nothing much is changing. Again, what have I got to lose, right?

#118429 03/29/03 02:32 PM
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Hacker,

Afetr reading the book I have come to the conclusion that I am words and affection and H is either service and gifts or quality time.

Now, although H had the A and H is the one who is running, I have to admit I very nearly became a WAW a while back, infact it was me who told him to go, however I pretty quickley came to my senses.

How do I explain this...Since I have been DBing I have done some serious soul searching-lol havn't we all?
One of the reasons I nearly became a WAW was his lack of affection and that I never felt he loved me I said this to him over and over.

I built up so much resentment, I caught the resentment FLU real bad, I eneded up resenting absolutley everything he ever did. This is where I start to unfofill his needs and he has A, so on so on so on.

Where it all started.. who knows??
Anyway although I dont think it would be good for you to show too much affection right now, Just like I have to be carefull show my H admiration without looking subbmissive.

I think what you could do is pay very small compliments.
without looking like hey im only paying you a compliment because I want to win you back.

Something like :
is that top new the colour really suits you
Just an example but you know a very subtle compliment.

That would be a good place to start I think.

As i said I think I speak same language as your W and I love compliments... From my H it would of been lovley. I always had to dig for them.

#118430 03/31/03 09:35 PM
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I am trying another possible way to make him miss me. (or at least being in a family) Today I sent a picture of all 4 of us at my graduation ceremony last Dec. On the back I wrote. Thanks for attending my graduation, it meant alot to me. Then I wrote a quote "Happiness is living life free of the blocks that keep us from an awareness of love's presence." (Blaise Pascal) Take care, Lily Now I know this is not funny and maybe too much about the R. But it is our anniversary this week and I wanted him to know he is in my mind. He will get the connection. Any comment JJ?

#118431 04/16/03 11:27 PM
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Bump time!!


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#118432 04/17/03 01:13 AM
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H can email me during working hours (work for the same company). Since the bomb, he has used the email and words as his way of hiding from face-to-face encounters. Until recent R talks, H uses email for most communication.

Now that I am on medical leave, H can't email me. So I have 2 1/2 weeks to make H miss me!

Wish me luck!!

Also,
I try to stay upbeat, happy, positive, and "golden" (what a GF told H that I was). So every time H leaves, I give him a positive, loving, smiling W to remember and miss.


Me 47
Ex H 46
Bomb 9/02
D final 3/04
Ex H now married to OW

------------
This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
#118433 04/17/03 04:54 PM
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Sorry to jump in here, but it is driving me crazy !!!

Afetr reading the book I have come to the conclusion that I am words and affection and H is either service and gifts or quality time.

I have heard this "book" mentioned before and would like to know what it is. If the answer is something obvious, like DB or DR, please don't snicker at me. I'm separated and in therapy...I'm dealing with a lot of s*** here!! Ha!

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