In October, about a month after the bomb, H and I were having an R talk. The way we did in the begininning, when I intiated them. He was very open to me talking to him back then. (((Actually I think he would be open to me talking to him now, but I don't think he is ready and it would get us no where just yet. I do think he is waiting for me though. I'm not going there.)))
Anyway, I asked if he misses me. He said not much. That really hurt. Then he did say there were some things....
1) My scrapbooking.
2) My emails to him at work, and the e-cards.
3) The way I help him with things for work, and help him write things.
4) The way I "do it up" for birthdays and the way I decorate for holidays.
I replied that I had hoped there would be more, like my friendship, or talking to me. But I said, I guess she fills that need in you right now, and I am not surprised by your reply.
When H returned in October, we went to one C appointment. He had a list of all these complaints of things that were wrong with me. I turned into one big MAL BASHING session, and it was horrible. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave and I was shaking. At one point the C interrupted him and asked, "What do you love about MAL?"
H replied:
1) She is a wonderful person and has a really big heart.
2) She is a great mother.
3) He listed all the things that I mentioned above.
H left again a week later.
With only that small list to go on, I went to work on me. Fixing things for myself to make me feel better. I also tried to make sure H saw me doing all those things.
The only thing I haven't done are initiating emails, e-cards, and helping him with work. Although I do ask about his work and try to be his friend in that area when we chat over email.
That is all I've had to work on.
Then in January, H sent me the apology email. In that email, he mentioned "STABILITY". Stating he liked that about what we had, and he is afraid he will never have it again in his life. How do I show him stability?
Last week, H sent me another email. In that email he said that the last 16 years were not a waste. Also there are things that we had that he misses. I replied saying I would like to know what things he misses, "but I'm not sure you'll tell me." H never replied.
That is all I have to work on for now. I wish he would have replied to that email.
I hope that the list has grown since October.
I try to leave him with the impression of me looking good, doing those things, being a good mom, smiling, showing him that good person with the good heart (like I did when I talked to him last week, and like I do in all my emails). Trying to show him what he cannot have as long as OW is in the picture.
P.S.
H knows I am doing the weekend scrapbooking thing next weekend.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?
Perhaps as the weather starts to warm up a little more I'll see if the offer is still open.
I'm need to ramble just a moment so I can let y'all understand my H way of thinking.
H is very different than any man I know. He has tried to remain as friends with past GFs. It always bothered me how an old GF would call up and they would chit-chat for awhile. So when he talks about wanting to remain as friends, I know he is serious. And for the most part that is all he wants. It's that dang wall of "damage" as he puts it that will not allow him to get close to me again.
Perhaps if I can remind him of the good things about me this will help trigger some feelings of missing me.
I know he missed the snuggle time we had prior to us growing apart as I previously mentioned. Sometimes I just want to hug him and not let go. But I don't think he will understand that the hug is not for "me" but for "him". He is a very touchy feely guy. One of his major love languages. I wish I could hug the love back into him.
We talk here about showing our Ses the changes we've made and their love languages. How can I really show H both when it would require being intimate and not necessary being sexually intimate but stepping inside that personal space. Does that make sense?
Sometimes I think about having him come over for something I need with him to do around the house. And when he shows up have a bottle of wine, candles, and soft music playing. What could it hurt? This is the only thing I haven't tried differently from how our relationship had become. This would be such a flash back of how things first were. How could trying this REALLY set me back from attaining my final goal?
Stacy, I think you have mentioned before how much you and your H enjoyed going hunting and fishing. I think that is a key factor here. I know that one of the things that makes my W so much more special to me is the common interests we share, such as the horses and working outside. I don't think there are that many women who really enjoy those type things.
I think your H also realizes how unlikely it is that he will find another woman who shares those interests. I suggest that you be his friend right now and cultivate those common interests. Then let nature take it's course.
Wow, there's lots of great thoughts coming up here!
I really like the way that everyone is digging deep, and looking for all the little things that can mean a lot!
I think that when we are "newcomers", there is a strong tendency to look at the reasons our partners "should" be with us as being more along the line of "obligation", and "commitment". Although these are good reasons, it doesn't seem to help to bring them back to having a close relationship with us. Even if it DOES bring them back, it can be a short-lived "visit".
It's looking here like y'all really ARE moving on to the next phase, where you're starting to look at things less emotionally, and are really digging in to find some better solutions, some different ways to "work smarter, not harder". I think this is GREAT!
At this point, I think that everyone has a pretty good list of things that we know DON'T work, right?! It looks like some of your focus is starting to shift over to taking a look at the things that you know DO work, and ways of doing more of them.
I see a LOT of great "stuff" happening over here in this forum in just a couple of days. Here's my "Atta guys and gals" to you all! Keep up the great work!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yep JJ! I think you are right on the mark. I hope some of the other vets will move over from Newcomers as well. I know how hard it is to make that decision. It was difficult for me as well. But, now I agree with the move.
We may have to go and give some encouragement to some of the other vets, so they will see that they really have a lot to gain from moving over here. They are probably afraid that they will not get as wide of a response. But, I think, that here they will get a more experienced response... and it will free up the newcomers thread for what it was intended for.
You're MORE than welcome, MAL! I'm glad that it's helping!
The really amazing thing is that we often don't realize that we're smarter than we think we are, that we often have the right answers, and really DO know what to do, until we ask ourselves the right questions!
Often, it's a matter of balancing out working with an "expert's mind", where we know our relationship better than anyone else could, and learning how to work with a "beginner's mind", where we toss out some of the things that we are SURE of, and start fresh. Take a look at things from a third-party's perspective.
Did that make any sense?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: The really amazing thing is that we often don't realize that we're smarter than we think we are, that we often have the right answers, and really DO know what to do, until we ask ourselves the right questions!
Often, it's a matter of balancing out working with an "expert's mind", where we know our relationship better than anyone else could, and learning how to work with a "beginner's mind", where we toss out some of the things that we are SURE of, and start fresh. Take a look at things from a third-party's perspective.
JJ - I think you are right. I keep getting a tiny glimpse of a big picture concerning all of this DBing and what is all means... with me, my W, everything. I think it is a lot bigger than I thought. But, a lot simpler also. I just haven't quite nailed down the idea that is forming. I think the light bulb is flickering... just hasn't quit gotten to full illumination yet.
It looks like some of your focus is starting to shift over to taking a look at the things that you know DO work, and ways of doing more of them.