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#118404 02/23/03 10:09 PM
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Quoting jwhetnc:

JJ - I think you are right. I keep getting a tiny glimpse of a big picture concerning all of this DBing and what is all means... with me, my W, everything. I think it is a lot bigger than I thought. But, a lot simpler also. I just haven't quite nailed down the idea that is forming. I think the light bulb is flickering... just hasn't quit gotten to full illumination yet.


You're right, jw, it is a VERY big picture. Yet, the picture is made up of a lot of small, individual frames.

I noticed from your bio that you are an engineer. I am from a similar background. Used to working with calculations, numbers, logistics, and having a very analytical mind. Taking the modulus of elasticity, Fb repetive values, etc., etc. A lot of these are hard values, which, when combined probably, can give us values that coincide with the properties of the materials that we use. (Does this kind of talk excite you, jw?! )

Now, go back one step, and remember that the values that these calculations are derived from are based on tests. Someone had to test each material to derive it's moment of failure, and had to test it more than once to obtain the proper statistics.

That is what you are trying to do right now. Obtain your values from tests, collecting the facts, and ascertain your data from which to make future assumptions.

In other words, you're startin' from scratch here, buddy! The "absolute values" from before don't apply now. The information that you are gathering right now may not be logical, but they are the way they are. Just go with it from there.

Stick with the K.I.S.S. program (Keep It Simple, Stupid!). I tried to over-complicate things way too many times, and found that things worked best for me when I stuck with just the basic stuff.

P.S. I hope I didn't get you too aroused by talking dirty to you, big guy!


JJ

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#118405 02/23/03 11:18 PM
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My w has said that she miised me twice this week, But I am having a hard time figuring out what exactly she misses. I know that she loved taking care of me (making dinner, leaving me notes, washing me in the shower) but these arent things that I can control now. Maybe part of what she misses is my stability, my strength. I have always been the kind of person who never let adversity stop me. If something went wrong, I found a solution.

I really dont know what she is missing now. I guess I will wait for more information.


Stephan one day at a time
#118406 02/23/03 11:39 PM
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smc -

My wife is a gentle "care-giver" type of person, who loves doing stuff for me. That seems to be her primary "love language". I, however, am a pretty independent type of guy, who likes to do stuff on my own. For example, when I'm not feeling well, I tend to crawl into bed, and want to be left alone.

I have a hard time just "accepting" some of the things that she wants to do FOR me, and often feel like I have to "make up" for it, and return the favor right away. This, I've found, is a cheese-less tunnel for me.

I have always been the kind of person who never let adversity stop me. If something went wrong, I found a solution.

Have you ever enlisted her help in finding some solutions? Ever made her feel like there were things you couldn't (or maybe didn't want to) handle on your own, all by yourself, where she could maybe come to your aid? Ways that might make her think that a part of you needs her, that she could help you? Ways to include her in on parts of finding solutions?

Just some thoughts!


JJ

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#118407 02/24/03 12:34 AM
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JJ - All the engineering talk you just did made a lot of sense. Good analogy! That is definitely language I understand.

I'm thinking the simple idea for now is to beat it into my rock thick head that I simply have to shut my mouth, sit my butt down, and allow this thing to play out. Obviously she has been intiating contact, and apparently is still comfortable doing so. Therefore, I need to pull up a chair, and wait it out.

#118408 02/24/03 01:26 PM
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I have been thinking latley that H is not missing me at all.

One of our R problems which I never thought was a huge problem, but now realise that it was to him was... he has a very busy social life, whith work golf and all his interests. All our freinds have always commeneted on how good I was at letting him do all these things.

It has always been my motto that when you live with someone it doesn't give you the right to tske over their life, however .. after the A I started to get clingy, which I think was to be expected. I started questioning his where abouts and putting my foot down a bit.

I think one of the reasons he decided that it was over between us was because of this, he thought he would never have his comfortable lifestyle again.

So Im thinking he has gone off and doing all his stuff he will never get bored and actually start thinking ..HEY!! this single life is great.

I dont think he has time to miss me properly.

#118409 02/25/03 01:09 AM
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Quoting Jamesjohn:
H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together.

Faith, this may have been a special invitation from him to meet in a place where he feels comfortable. He may have been "DB'ing" you, and figured that "changing the where" might make a difference in how things went.

Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?

Night-night time for me now ! Will try to read to read your latest in the a.m., and get back with you!


JJ: Apparently the invitation IS still open. I made a post about tonight's events on my thread. Come by when you have time.

Thanks.

#118410 02/25/03 09:46 AM
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In counseling 2 weeks ago my WAW was asked what she missed by the counselor, she said she missed the way we kissed. Ironically I had planned a special night out for both of us after the session, I had planned to go to a place that gave us good memories and happy times. It was a simple drive to a quiet place that we used to make out at.
I wanted to go there to try an rekindle some sparks, I did want to attempt to kiss her again so I asked her if she would just like to park the car. She was looking for ulterior motives. She said no to parking so we left, I asked her what she thought I was going to do. She said you were probably going to put the moves on me (with a smile on her face), I told her she may be right and she smiled again, then said I am not ready for that yet. As hard as it was to hear, I told her "I respect her boundries". Im thinking, well, if your not feeling it for me then you must be feeling it for someone. When we kissed before we would make out for a couple hours and loved every minute of it, now there is nothing there on her end, I cant begin to describe then pain.
One statement she made a few months ago was "when I'm ready you'll know it before hand", I was totally confused by that statement but trying to look for signs of what she meant.

I know that if we could get affection back even on a slight level that then we could begin to rebuild the feelings she has. I still have all the feelings for her but she has said she has none.

Any advice on how to show her affection that would get her to open up again? She shows she wants to but is afraid of getting her heart hurt again.


#118411 02/27/03 09:11 PM
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Hunter -

Im thinking, well, if your not feeling it for me then you must be feeling it for someone.

Don't even go there with your thoughts. It's more than likely that you're wrong. She probably just misses the feelings that the two of you had together at one time.

One statement she made a few months ago was "when I'm ready you'll know it before hand", I was totally confused by that statement but trying to look for signs of what she meant.

Here's a wierd thought that might take some of the guess-work and mind-reading out of the picture. You could give her a gift certificate for a free "make-out session" with you, redeemable at the time and place of her choosing. Starting when she wants, and ending when she wants.

It might be hard for her to ever "say", in words, "OK Hunter, I'm ready to go make-out with you." However, having something like this in her hand might make it a little easier for her. It could get HER thinking about the exact ways that she wants to redeem it, and puts her more in control of the situation.

Just a thought!


JJ

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#118412 02/27/03 09:28 PM
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Hunter
after reading this post, sounds a little like my W
I would bet the farm she more than "none" of those feelings for you... but likely far less than you have for her. She likely hardened her heart over quite a period of time and it will take much time to soften it again. Move slow and give her space...patience, patience, patience
Good luck and give her hell...
BMc

#118413 02/27/03 10:56 PM
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I would bet the farm she more than "none" of those feelings for you...

Maybe, and maybe not.

Maybe the walkaway has no feelings for you, and they are looking at every "bad" thing you do as reinforcement for the reasons that they're leaving, and focusing on all the "wrongs".

Or, maybe the walkaways DO have some "good" feelings for you, and they are trying to find some reasons to stay, and work things out.

Maybe, it's a combination of the these two things.

What things could you do, what actions would you take, if you were to do a 180 on your thoughts? If you could change your focus from believing them when they say they have no good feelings for you, to believing that they might actually DO have those good feelings, but just need some reassurance that these feelings aren't "wrong"?


JJ

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