Making them miss you

[Jamesjohn]

This was a subject that was brought up on a different thread that I thought might deserve a thread of it's own!

How do you make them miss you? What is the last impression of you that you left on their mind the last time you made contact with them?

We do need to look at what they are missing about us,
I asked my w once what she missed, at first she started in on what she didnt miss, control, meaness, etc etc.then she actually started on the good things , one of which was my sense of humour, I made her laugh everyday.

Her words not mine , so now in any contact with her , I try to make her laugh to remind her of what she is missing.Mostly using small "in jokes" that we only know about.

This is just an example but it is something that works for me, perhaps we should all be looking at what our WAS's miss about us as individuals and start working on that.
More of "what works", it is there if you look hard enough..........

Things had been so bad that last year or two I don't know exactly if there is anything my H would miss about me. Isn't that sad?

Is there a way to figure out what he may miss without coming straight out and asking him?

I think this could be a key to Dbing my H that I haven't tapped into yet.

Hi faith,

Think about it for a while, what did you do that your H liked, what made you special to him.
Forget all about the current situation.
We were all newly married once, what made him smile then ??

This may give you a few clues.

FIP -

Try to think of things before the last year or two. Wasn't there a time when things seemed to be really "clicking" between the two of you? Times when things were going pretty smoothly, or even better than that?

When were those times? What things were the two of you doing then? What were YOU doing during those times? What might you do to be able to recreate some of those times?

Don't worry about coming up with an immediate "the answer" right now. Maybe just start getting your train of thought rolling in that direction, and see if there might be some small clues on little things that can be done.

There might be some ways to figure out on your own what things that he does miss about you. About the two of you together. Heck, there may be an opportunity to come straight out and ask him! If it feels right to you at the time, you can try it, and see if it works! You never know until you try, right?!

Let's work on this some more. It almost sounds like this subject deserves a thread of it's own!

OK, let's roll with this subject from here!

[Jamesjohn]

Well one of the things that drew him to me I think was I laughed ALL the time at his stupid jokes and comments. He knew he was being silly and stupid but loved to hear me laugh. And then the laughter stopped. Getting pregnant and then getting married were not things I had ever wanted. But when I decided that I wanted to M him it was for the right reason and not because I was pregnant. I took my anger for this happening out on him not purposely but subconsciously I did. And then the depression kicked in and H couldn't understand nor I what was going on other than I was just out of control. He would threaten to leave and I would promise to change and for a week or two and sometime a two of months I would change. But then something would trigger me to slip back into my old habits.

But back to the laughter thing. My H is like a big ol' bear. We would sit on bed and I would snuggle up to him and just laugh and laugh. I miss it and that's what he would say he missed about the me he first knew. We were close from the very beginning. It was like the missing puzzle piece in our lives. We just fit together.

I don't know how I can really tap into it that though. After all we are separated and we see very little of each other. He will go out with me anytime I initiate it but I don't know if it's really because he wants to or because he feels guilty.

[Jamesjohn]

He will go out with me anytime I initiate it but I don't know if it's really because he wants to or because he feels guilty.

You know, Faith, from an outside point of view, I would question whether or not the reason is really that important. I would think that what would be important is that the two of you DID spend some time together, and give you a chance to "work your new stuff" on him!

Maybe concentrate for awhile on things that the two of you could laugh about, together, and see where that might lead you. It worked before, didn't it?!

[FaithInPrayer]

One other thing to add to that post is we spent a lot of quality time together. We shared the same hobbies - hunting, fishing, sport shooting, etc. My parents fishing boat is still at my house b/c my Dad hasn't gotten it back yet. H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together. I told him I didn't understand how he could talk about us hanging out this spring when he couldn't spend time with me at that time. And plus I didn't think this special person he was in searching for would like the idea with him "hanging out" and fishing with his W. His come back was this "special" person would have to understand we are friends and I want to continue doing things with you. I told him he was nuts. This all took place back in November for I read DR. So I am not sure if he would still want to go fishing this spring or not now.

JJ, if you have time could you read back through the last couple of posts on my old thread under newcomers and make a comment about the stuff that went on at V-day. Some of those things are mentioned under my new thread here on the Sep forum, too.

Thanks!!

[calico]

But don't they have to want to be with you to miss you? What if they have been gone for a while and are happy in their new lives? I totally agree with this idea of making them miss us, just not sure how to do it. It's been 12 yrs since we dated, I can't remember what he liked about me. I can't remember him ever telling me what he liked about me in 12 years. Oh, that's sad. Will give this one a lot of thought though. All I can remember him saying was he thought I was cute in my high school softball uniform (first time he saw me). Don't have the uniform anymore and I'd look kinda ridiculous in one, especially since he hasn't seen me in a year. lol. And he liked me in a mini-skirt outfit (memories of making out in the back seat during high school) but that was totally 80's clothing and can't find anything like that skirt anymore. My clothes- the only thing he said he liked about me was my clothes. Then we got married and he hated me in mini-skirts. Go figure, men. As far as personality stuff... he never said what he liked, just what he didn't like. Oh the side effects of such bad communication.

FIP, JJ gave you some excellent advice!

[FaithInPrayer]

I would think that what would be important is that the two of you DID spend some time together, and give you a chance to "work your new stuff" on him!

He says that every time he is around me for what little time it maybe he still sees or hears the "old" FIP. Things about her that he cannot tolerate. I have done an 180 to whom I was and whom I am now. He sent me a long email about it. I have come close to putting it on my thread but it was painful for him to write he said and very personal so I thought it best that I not share it. He even told him he wanted to cry after he sent it. He never would answer what made him want to cry though. And this is the first time I know of him wanting to cry about anything since he left.

Some issues have now come up about our S that have upset H with me (Issues are posted on my thread). So I don't think he'll want to be around me anytime soon. I am going to have to decide if the issues are big enough to stand my ground and keep S with me for awhile or let them go so H can continue having him. If I don't give in it may cost me my M but if I do give in I am concern how much more problems I will have to continue to face with my S.

[Jamesjohn]

H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together.

Faith, this may have been a special invitation from him to meet in a place where he feels comfortable. He may have been "DB'ing" you, and figured that "changing the where" might make a difference in how things went.

Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?

Night-night time for me now ! Will try to read to read your latest in the a.m., and get back with you!

[Darkness]

Hi faith,

GO FISHING!!!

You might catch something big!!!!!!

[jwhetnc]

I think the first step in helping my W to miss me would be to leave her with a good impression when she contacts me... and her previous patterns show that she will.

I need to be a good listener... let her talk. Validate her feelings. Not say anything to leave her with a bad taste in her mouth. But... try to end the conversation first, so it will throw her off a bit... make her want to pursue.

[workinghard]

Let's see...

When he first left and we went to a C, he said that one of the things that first drew him to me was my child-like zest for life. You know, he's always been this very "even" kind of guy emotionally...never gets really mad, never gets really ecstatic. I am just the opposite.

Maybe in the last few years, I have kind of lost that "passion for life," or least it has been somewhat subdued. In the last few months, given the situation, I have been pretty down in the dumps, and I know that's pretty unattractive! About a month into dbing, I was really doing GREAT with a happy and upbeat attitude. He definetly noticed, and commented on how much he liked it. Come to think of it...seems like he hangs around more when I have that attitude. If I focus on the positive and the good in my life, I do much better here.

This is something to work with!