My other thread locked. Same title but #3.

Patti,

The answer is to let him contact you. At least in my case that was what I did. Don't forget everyone is different. Go with your gut!!!!

Just got back from a little pampering. I got my hair cut, colored, highlighted and it looks great!!!! I love when I do that and it was about time for something for me!!! Selfish, huh???? LOL

Y

yeah for being a little selfish. I think it's great! Hope things keep looking up for you YR.

BFM

Hi YR,
Glad to hear that things at your end are looking up again. You have the patience to pull this through, and in the end everything will be fine again. Take care.

BFM

Thanks, I think I needed to be selfish for once!!! LOL

TL

I think things will be fine for me and h. No one knows what tomorrow will bring!

Y

Dear Twin:

Well, guess what I did today? Yep, hair cut, colored, highlighted and trimmed. I swear we are leading parallel lives!!

I heard from H twice last night (first time in over a month). The first call (OW was listening in) was about the D settlement. I won't agree to settle out of court, which means that OW will be subpoenaed to testify. We hung up, and a short while later, H called me back. He was much nicer, so I guess she had left in a huff like she did the last time H called me, lol!

Hugs
Val

Twinny

You are my twin!!!!! See, we do the same things!!!!

I am glad you are holding firm in regards to your h. I know you have a very smart head on your shoulders and will do what needs to be done!!! The ow probably ran and now has her head up her butt!!!

Y

YR:

The OW is the type who thinks she can control men but is scared to death of other women .. especially irate wives!! She will do anything to avoid going to court to testify. H has told me many times that she is scared of me (as well she should be). If anything will send that ho packing, it's the fear of having to testify in a courtroom. The next few weeks should be interesting.

Has your H seen your new 'do yet? I'll bet your hair looks great.

Val

Val

No my h hasn't seen the new "do" yet. He called a few minutes ago and asked how I liked it and how it looked. I really like it....it's really soft and sensual looking! The stylist I usually go to can look at you and know what will look good on you and even takes your skin tones to get the highlights and colors that look good on you.

The ow better be scared, your h better be scared because I feel like the judge will give both of them a dressing down that they both deserve!!!!!

Y

Hi Yellow, I was wondering if you heard from Holly at all. I know she was moving but I thought she would be back on the bbs by now. I hope she is ok.

Hi YR,
Just checking in on you. Take care.

Hi YR, haven't checked in in a while, hear that things are looking up for you !! Enjoy the new hairstyle ! I always feel like a million bucks when I leave the hairdressers !! ENJOY !!!

Love yah !!! xxx

MrsH

Holly is fine. I heard from her this morning. Her D's wedding is this weekend so she is pretty busy. I forgot to ask her if she has her cable and internet working yet.

Y

Cinders

I love the new haircut. I just wished I had the talent that my stylist has to fix it!!!! LOL

Y

Patti

I am glad he is telling the ow. Now be prepared okay???? She will try anything if she is like the ow in my case. It will take a while for him to really get over her so be very patient!!!!

Y

Patti

They hold on for dear life but eventually when our h's really release that R things change with the ow. Make any sense??? I don't want to scare you I just want you to be prepared.

Y

I think the letting go of the OP is more than just the letting go of the A partner. The MLC-WAS really believed they were falling for someone else, enough to justify taking the huge leap of faith.

When they see it was not what they thought or not what they now desire, they feel many things, including foolish maybe. But they could be hurting someone else now as much as they were hurting you before. Remember how we say the MLCer hates feeling guilty so they re-write history and bash the LBS into believing there was never any love?

Well now the MLCer is not crazy. Now they are quite alert and aware of the pain or anger they are going to cause their LB-OP. Just because they are no longer MLC does not mean they won't hate feeling the guilt or sharing the pain. They will also of course remember those times when they believed they had found nirvanna in MLC. Back in the real world, they will miss nirvanna. The OP is just one part of what they are having to leave behind in order to return to reality.

I think it does take some time for them to feel comfortable with their return, and to feel safe loving and being loved again. Think about how much trouble they have recently had in getting that part right. They don't want to fail again. They don't want to hurt again. They don't want to feel guilty again.

Let's see, what will the MLCer feel safe feeling? What can you do to create some safe contact and communications? The OP will not be trying to do this. They will be trying to do those things we did wrong ... begging, screaming (if you did that :)), and reasoning. I can just hear them repeating to the MLCer of how unhappy they were in the M and how unhappy they will be again. They may be reasoning that being unhappy forever is not worth trying to keep the family together. And of course I assume there will be repeated cries of "what about me?"

Your MLCer will have no more good answers to this than he did to any of your original questions after the bomb. The good news is, he is your MLCer and you will do the right things. Give time and space, unconditional love and comfort ... and boundaries.

W2S

Thank you for that. I think my h is almost there with letting go of the ow. He said now he thinks about her once in a while but each day it is easier. It has been almost 7 months since he let her go with no contact in person since January and only a limited comtact by phone to tell her to leave him alone.

He is doing well and really trying.......finally!

Y

Patti

Just like Snodderly told me, this part is going to take alot of patience and time. You have gotten this far. We will help each other through this. We can do it!!!!

Y

YR
Glad that your H is doing so well with the letting go of OW.

This is a huge problem for mine.
W2S thank you so much for that post it is so true.
mine said in Feb..."I feel guilty for leaving the kids and I feel guilty for hurting the person I was with"
I did not know at the time that she had dumped him....
yet he was feeling guilty?? makes no sense at all!!

The part about being ashamed. I read somewhere that if they never get over that there is a chance they can never reconnect with us. Do you think this happens?

so the break up is hard on them and N2M sending you and your H lots of strength to get through this. Give him all that safety and security and a soft place to land when he starts to fall.
Be that loving wife who is not nagging at him but supporting him and comforting him. You are doing great and I am taking notes... hope to get the chance to use them!!

thanks all
hb2

hb

Just hang in there, my friend. It's a long hard road and I am still hanging in there!

Patti, I wished I heard those words!! Good for you!

Y

Patti

I answer to your question, yes I did say to myself is this what I want. Then I thought back to all those wonderful years and memories that we shared together and I knew it was so very right. You will get those feelings. Remember I posted not to long ago that my feelings had changed for my h. They weren't as strong as before. They are still there but very guarded!!!

Y

Oh Patti, the suspense is KILLING ME !!!!!!

I am so thrilled for you, and I really, really, really wish that I will one day be as cool, calm and collected as you and H finds his way back to that !

YR, in need of some fairydust across the pond I think !!! xxxxx

Love you both !!!

I sure hope so !

I think it is great that YR and you are going on similar paths. It is like having an accountability partner.

kiki

Yes, it is. We have to keep each other on forward paths and pull each other off the brink!!! LOL

Y

Cinders

*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'**'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'
'**''*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*''**'*''*'*'*'*'**'*
*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*''***''*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'
Hows that????? I know it will happen for you!!!

Y

Patti

Yep, let him set the pace. It will happen, no pressure, okay???

Y

Patti

There you go!!!

Y

Hi YR,
Thanks for checking in on me. - Have a lovely week-end.

Hi everyone! Missed you!!

Everything is going will with me and h. I see inprovements everytime he comes over on his days off. He is more open but the ILY's haven't came back yet. I know they will.

He has been going faithfully to his C. She even bought him a journal. He talks about his C appts sometimes but I don't ask him unless he wants to share. I think it is so much better with him coming over on his days off and taking it slow. We enjoy each other so much and when he isn't here he calls me a couple of times a day. He is really trying to regain my trust and that's all I can ask for for now.

I feel in my gut we will make it and I think he is rounding the bend and making great strides!

Y

Yeah. So happy for you. You give me hope!

BFM

Yep same here !!!! Haven't been here in a while, I forgot how much calmness and hope you always brought me ! Thankx ! Keep going, I wish you the very very best !!!

Yellow this is great!!!! Same thing happening over here too!!!

Calls during the day...texts at night or phone calls at night...but going slow...

Trust is hard to build and it is best to move slowly this time...

Good things come to those who wait.....

Hugs,
Vali

BFM

I waivered so many times and so did my h during this. I am finally feeling alot more comfortable with things after almost 2 and half years! Don't give up hopem give it up to God and let him work on your h!!!!

Y

VALI !!!! YES YES YES !!! Please tell me that you may be becoming a success story of a restored marriage !!

Keep us posted !!!

You girls better stop making me cry!

((( )))

Cinders

Thank you!! i need to catch up on threads. I have been so busy with refinishing my cabinets in the kitchen I don't have much time.

I am glad I give you calmness. You are going to be okay!

Y

Vali

So your h is finally slinking out of the tunnel is he??? LOL

That is a good sign. You know enough to know that slow is better. I have you in my prayers for the future you deserve with your h!!

Y

W2S

Please don't cry!!! LOL If you do just make it tears of happiness!

Y

Seeing other H come back is totally inspiring..gives hope that maybe it can happen to more of us
peace

YR:
I have followed your threads for over a year but have never posted to you before. I am so happy for you. Patience is paying off. If you ever get a free moment and can check out my thread, I would love your opinion. Part of me feels like H is inching but I am so skeptical.

God bless you and your family.

Mopsey

Patti

He will do it, he will be home but don't forget that this is just another part of the journey. Be very patient and understanding at this point and don't pressure him.

You will get to C, he knows this is a part of his probation! LOL

Y

Peace

I am so grateful that my h has finally getting there. It takes alot of time patience and understanding on our part. They are way out there in a far away place. This board has helped me so much to find myself and to understand what my h has been going through. I really think that this has made all the difference.

Y

Mopsey

Thank you, I will check out your thread.

Y

Hi YR,
I am so happy for you that all your hard work will finally pay off. You are doing so well. Take care.

If you have time, could you please have a look at my thread? I think I blew it completely. But I also think that there was no hope anymore. Whatever I would have done would not have made any difference. Thanks a lot.

TL

I will pop over to your thread.

Y

Hi YR,
Thanks for your comment on my thread. I think you are right. Take care.

YR just catching up. Things still sound good for you and H. Thanks for the fairy dust on my thread

YR:

I'm so glad that things keep looking up for you. I know it will all work out.

My D is still scheduled for mid-September. It's funny, though. H has started to call a lot more lately. He asked me last week how badly he has hurt the kids. He's stopped being vindictive, and even told me I could have the boat (we were having a "custody" battle over the boat, lol!). It's only a small glimpse of the old H, and I don't think it will last, but it's nice to have some normal conversations with H again.

Hugs to you
Val

Val

Thanks, I think me and h will be fine, just trying to get there is the whole thing!lol

Isn't it funny that your h is calling more often?????? I still say that things might turn around but all of that is entirely up to you now, not him. It will all come crashing down on him shortly like a ton of bricks on what he has done to his family. I feel sorry for him.

I just wanted to tell you how strong I think you are and what a great job you have done. You have had so many ups and downs with your h, alot more than I have and you have held it together!!!

Hugs to you too!

Y

YR, if you think back....can you give up a glimpse of what happened when H started turning around...it's SO HARD to find in the old threads and maybe it's easier for you to summarize...if you have the time of course...What was going through YOUR mind, YOUR life ...and HOW or WHY did your H make a re-entry ....

Maybe it's not possible to answer - just wondering !

Cinders

What I remember is that h started reaching out about March or April 2006. He sat at my kitchen table sobbing and saying he was sorry and very confused.

This is when the touch and goes started. He was home for 2 weeks and at the ow's the other two weeks without warning. He would be very anxious when he was here but every time he came and went I would see baby steps and progress.

This went on for a couple of months and then he kind of withdrew. Then he was home for 5 weeks in August of 2006. In September he got a room at the barracks at the prison where he works. In my mind I think this was the most important part of my h's journey. He was distancing himself from the ow but still had contact with her. The contact got less and less. He had time to think when he was by himself.

In November 2006 he called me sobbing so hard that I could hardly understand him. Mind you my husband doesn't cry. He told me that he had made a C appt because he couldn't stand it anymore. He goes every week still which I believe it really has helped him go through this.

As you know he moved back in January but still kept his room at the barracks and just dressed there for work. Things were going fantastic but I would say around the middle of May he started acting distant again and I felt like he was going to leave again. I also thought there was contact with the ow because of his actions and I was right. He hasn't seen her since January but there was VM's from her and he didn't return her calls. He discussed this with his C and she told him to talk to her the next time so he could tell her to leave him alone. There hasn't been any more contact.

When h left this last time he felt like he moved to quickly and wanted to take it slower this time. He comes over on his 3 days off and stays at the barracks when he is working. He calls me everyday at least once.

He is doing very well and has come a long way. He still has a ways to go but I think we will make it.

I hope this makes sense to you and isn't too long!!!!

Hugs

Y

It makes perfect sense thanks !! Also I think a lot of newbies will like to read this story of yours !

As you know, I wish you the very best and know that you have the love and patience to get through this !!!

Kisses xxx

Thanks Cinders!!!

Y

Hi YR,
Have a lovely week-end. HUGS

Finally read through all of this thread. It seems like others are now starting to follow in your footsteps and that is such good news.

YR, so glad your H is taking is slower this time...that must have been hard for you to go through....

I think things will be fine for you and him...

I am glad that you have not been negative about his coming and going...I think I would be tempted to think that way....

Hope you are having a dry weekend! Yesterday was beautiful but today I woke up to thunder and it is drizzling outside...

Hugs,
Valentine

Alison

I see that many h's are finding their way again. Hang in there!

Y

Vali

It pours here every day! I am really tired of rain!!!!!

Since my h has made progress I don't mind him coming home on his days off. He has had no contact with the ow and he told me last night that even though it might seem like sometimes that he isn't trying he said that he really is. I told him last night that I want our life back and he said he did too!

Y

YR

I am so happy that things are moving along for you, i can see from what you write that your husband is really trying.

Hope you had a good weekend

Nicky

Congrats - that is great news! Good luck!

nicky and JMC

As you might or might not know that we have been working on this for a long while. My h seems to be finally getting it but not out of the woods yet. One day at a time one baby step at a time.

Y

Patti

Just let me say WOOHOO!!!!!!!! You are doing fantastic. Your h seems sincere. Now there will be ups and downs be prepared. You have come so far!!!! Glad your home safe.

Y

Patti

My h really put a strain on our finances too during his "trip." I kept it together here and he is finally digging himself out from under his mess.

Things that the ow bought for him or things that he bought while lost in space????

Y

You're the best, YR!

Patti

That is right, sit tight and see what happens. Your h has come a long way already!! You are doing fantastic!

I remember my h brought stuff in my house that the ow bought him. Cologne, stuff like that. I do know that one of the times he left with out saying anything to me and went back to the ow, the STUFF went into the trash!!

Y

PS

Thank you, how are you holding up???? H is here on his days off for the week. My parents are coming the beginning of September and he is going to see if he can get some days off. I haven't seen my parents since all this stuff happened. My parents hold nothing against my h and still tell him that they love him and he is like a S to them.

Our 25th Anniversay is less than a week away. Unfortunately h has to work but maybe we can plan something later in the week! I am anxious to see how he handles this anniversart because 2 years in a row he didn't acknowledge it at all. MLCMLCMLC!!!! LOL

Y

Patti

Don't worry about it. Let things unfold as they will. I used to make myself sick over the worry, and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Y

praying for ya, Yellow

I am always praying

Lissie

I really missed you!! I am glad you are back. I am praying for all of us to make it one way or another through this.

Y

Patti

Yes, I went through this too. My h was uncomfortable at first. He said that he didn't feel at "home" here anymore, but as time went on he grew more comfortable. He was gone for so long that it took time for him to adjust to the "family" life again.

I held back some too. It's normal because we are so afraid to open up after all that we have been through. You will see the walls you have put up come down little by little as your h starts coming around. It does take a while and lots of hard work. We are still working on it too and it takes both of you. Hang in there it will be fine.

Y

YR,
When is your anniv? I didn't realize it was coming up.

As for your parents, mine are the same way. The love my H and hope we can work it out. I don't know about you, but my parents have been the most supportive people throughout this whole process (aside from the folks here), and they're the ones who've seen their little girl get hurt so badly.

It will be nice to have them here and have your H with them as well. It will reinforce that family feeling.

How's your D doing these days? She happy to have her dad home more often now?

Hi YR:

I know that your 25th Anniversary is coming up, that is so exciting. I'm very proud of you for your strength and for getting to this point in the journey. Happy happy Anniversary!!

As for me, H has begun to call at least once, sometimes twice a week now. Only one phone call (about a week ago) I could tell he was drinking; the rest of the time he has been sober. His calls are about how badly he hurt the kids. He says he wants me to be brutally honest about it so that he "feel the pain" of his actions. He even asked about my mother last night (a first).

I do know that things are falling apart in H's family. He has cut ties with his "evil" sister and his brother won't have much to do with him anymore. OW no longer drives the truck that H bought for her but I don't have any other information about her because good SIL doesn't associate much with the family anymore. That family is a mess.

I do think H is waking up, but I don't want to speculate beyond that. He told me two weeks ago that I was the only woman he ever loved. I asked him if there was any other woman in his life that he loved (I didn't dignify the OW by calling her by name), he hesitated and then said "no .. no there's not". Of course, I take this with a grain of salt because H has lied to me a lot over the past two years.

Anyway, our calls are friendly now. The D is not mentioned anymore, even though it is hanging over our heads.

Sorry for the long hi-jack, YR.

Hugs and love to you
Val

Val,
I am happy to hear that. YOur H is not evil. Just really messed up. I hope he continues to reach out to you. I'm glad to hear he wants to feel the pain. As well he should.

YR,
How are you today?

You are all so lucky to have supportive parents. Mine, especially my mother, just want me to D H and get on with my life. I know they are hurting b/c I am but I wish they could support me in the way I want them to.

Val it's so good to hear that your H too might be waking up

Mine are the same way ACJ. They always badmouth H too. I've gotten to where I don't talk with them about it much anymore. They are starting to pi$$ me off royaly. I understand they are mad, but geez louise. Let me live my life and don't bad mouth the father of my children when my kids are around. It's not healthy for anyone. I've had to bust their chops pretty hard about that lately. It makes it tough.

BFM

Butterfly, my dad does the same thing too about my H...he doesn't bring it up...he just calls him names...but they NEVER bad mouth him to others...

They respect my decision for standing. they've been married for 43 years and understand that marriage is very hard as they have had some hard times of their own.

Sorry for the mini-hijack Yellow!!!

I hope things are looking peachy for you and your H!!!!

Hugs,
Vali

PS

My anniversay is on Monday. Wow 25 years!!!! I can't believe that we have made it through the last 2 and a half!!!!

He is working that day but we are going out to dinner and who knows what else!!!!

Y

Val

It sure sounds like you h is waking up! It sounds like he is getting to the point where it all falls apart. That is what he needs, to hit that bottom!!!

At least there is more contact. I hate the D is getting closer but maybe that is what is weighing heavy on his mind right now!

Take care twinny

Y

Hey girl,

how 'bout you! You are holding things together and even making a milestone moment out of it. God bless you and your H. Yours will become one of those M we read about that becomes stronger by the test of fire and better than it may have been without this life challenge.

And how about the fact that is is the silver one, to go with a silver lining in all this just for you. Congrats!!!!!!

W2 you are a good man. You will find a good woman who deserves you and you her.

Mickey

W2S

Thank you. We have really come a long way. H is doing well and really yrting. I feel like you do. I think my M will be a stronger one!!!

Love ya
Y

Mickey

I agree with you. W2 deserves only the best!!!!

Y

Hi YR, Oh, you are so lucky! I wish you all the happiness in the world and another 25 years oh HAPPY marriage! Take care and have a nice week-end. HUGS

almost time for you to pop in unless...youre busy....ghaads would you believe Lissie asked me what base i was on???????

Hi Patti

Your right.....I am popping in. Everything was great on his days off. I feel so much better as time goes on. He is so much more at home now.

He took me to lunch and did alot of shopping, which is great! We hung out with the neighbors and had a great time.

So what base are you on??????? LOL

Y

TL

Thank you so much. I never thought I would be at this point. I never thought I would reach my 25th after these last few years. See what seemed hopeless for me turned around!!!! It can happen!

Y

Yep!!!!!! LOL

Y

YR,
Of course you will have a stronger M. That is why you're going through all this, right? You and your H have both grown so much and you will be one of the ones in 25 years that people look at and say, "I wish I had that at 50 years of M". I have faith in the two of you.

25 years... WOW! I'm only at 7. I can't imagine what 25 feels like. I may never know. But I'm glad you do.

PS

My parents just celebrated theie 51st anniversay last month. That is such a long time. I remember they had some very rough times when I was growing up and didn't know if they would stay M but here they are growning old together!

I know my M will be stronger for all of this. I see my h growing. I know I have grown a great deal!!!

Y

Just catching up. Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary and many, many more..............

Alison and SF

Thank you for the Anniversary wishes!!! I can't believe it has been 25 years and we are going to make it!!!!!

H let it slip that flowers will be delivered today. He hasn't bought me flowers for a ever long time. We will celebrate this weekend since he is working and couldn't get off. He did call this morning and was very silly on the phone and wished me a happy anniversary. He is doing so well!!!!

Y

25 years.

(sigh) I am so happy for you.

I pray always mamma.

Congratulations, and enjoy the flowers.

You deserve them and much more.

A new pair of shoes maybe.

Lissie

Thank you. I can't wait ot see the flowers. I was hinting toward a journey necklace, whether he got the hint I don't know. I though that would be a wonderful idea since we have been on this journey together, last few years a rollercoaster ride but the rest was a wonderful journey!!!!

I pray for you too Lissie. You are a strong woman!!!!!

Y

Okay now I am boohooing!!!! The flowers just arrived. They are gorgeous. 12 red roses and other flowers in a crystal and silver vase. H put in the card that "things are only going to get better." Love, H

Need a kleenex, bbl......

Y

I WILL NOT RUN HIM OVER.

ENJOY them !

Can you kinda smooch him from me, but don't say it is from me.

But I am proud of him.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Lissie

Now that I have composed myself!!!!!! Thanks for not running him over. He is doing so well. I sneak a smooch from you on him!!!!

Patti

The romance will come. Just wait and it will tire you out!!!!

MrH

Thanks my frined!!!

Y

I'm so happy for you.

Happy Anniversary!

BFM

Happy Anniversary !!!!

To the most wonderful of all Fairy dust Fairy's in the world !!!!


Luv yah ! xxx

bfm and Cinders

Thank you so much. I really thought this day wouldn't get here. I thought we would be D by now after the last 2 and half years. I could picture me and h standing in fromt of a judge instead of me getting those beautiful flowers.

See there is hope, but in God's time!!!!!

Love ya all

Y

OH YR,

I am SO HAPPY for you, I so wish that God has that kind of plan for me too !!! If only we could know....but then ....

"If good things are coming they will be a pleasant surprise...if bad things are, and you know in advance, you will suffer greatly before they even occur" Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

Hi YR,
Happy Anniversary again. How wonderful to get flowers, and how lovely of your H to call you. HUGS

Cinders

God has a plan for all of us, in his own time. Detach and live for you!!!!!

Y

TL

Thank you again! It was a nice surprise!!!!

Y

Happy Anniversary and many, many, more. God bless you and your H.

Patty

Thank you so much. I hate coming on here when so many are hurting and I am finally getting there with my h. I remember when I was in their shoes. Like I said give it to God and let him work!!!

Y