Marriage and Money

[Violet1]

Thanks for the perspective. That's a really good point about communicating. I need to remember to be more direct. I received a card plus a box of chocolates. That was a nice touch. My concern with H is that this happens to be a milestone anniversary and I didn't want him to feel bad about not being able to buy expensive gifts for one another. The main thing is that we did spend time together as a family!

[Violet1]

H charged the chocolates to my credit card.

Violet's heart says:
That's okay. He'll pay you back when he gets a commission check. He's your friend and is going through a rough time. Give him a break and things will get better. Things have not been good for 3 years so the pendulum is bound to swing the other way and things will get better.

Violet's head says:
Run, Violet, run. 3 years is long enough. H should be gainfully re-employed since the downsizing. Get out of this M now. H has maxed out his cards and will do the same to yours. You have 3 kids to provide for and H will take you down. Abandon ship.

Welcome to my inner-conflict.

[crazedmomoffive]

lol Violet where did you think he'd get the money from. IMO you should cancel the card he's been using. ANY cards he has been using.

What does he say when you mention he should look for a job with a steady pay check?

It seems to me like separating your finances is the only thing you can do.... I read an article about some one in that situation once and now I can't find it unfortunately.... Unless you want to file bankruptcy it seems to be the best option.

[Violet1]

Well, I guess the joke's on me, Crazedmom. I decided to let the kids eat the chocolates! I know that I should ask H not to use the credit card but I'm afraid he'll blow up if I do. He'll threaten to leave and live out of his car and become a homeless person . . . I guess that's supposed to make me feel guilty.

This morning on my way to work I saw the neighbors walking together and holding hands at 7 a.m. This incredible feeling of jealousy overcame me. How many times I have asked H to go for a walk. Spend even 10 minutes with me, just the two of us. H doesn't hear me or take any action. H just doesn't get it.

I went to the hardware store regarding a home project and the sales associate took the time to make suggestions. He was young and cute and a little flirty and made me laugh. I quickly left the store because I realized I've become vulnerable to other men. This scares me. I see that I am craving attention and probably affection, too.

Maybe the revelation here is that I don't feel much like a woman around H and here some total stranger did make me feel like a woman. I am tired of all of these problems in my M and feel like I've done what I can to fix it. Maybe it's just too broken and I need to face that.

[dadtotwo]

Violet1,

Have you made any decision about your M? I am the H that created financial hardship for my family and my W moved out with my kids. It is difficult to explain for a man when he doesn't feel confident in his abilities and the finances get out of control. I also made poor choices without consulting my W but there are times, and this is no excuse, that we feel the need to keep things going while getting the finances under control.

I regret my choices and it probably cost me my M. My W no longer trusts or respects me and started, in her words, "something new" with a neighbor that recently divorced. She moved 30 minutes away to her parent's house and has no desire for reconciliation.

I let her and my family down but I only wish she sat down with me to figure out a plan of action. She told me that I didn't have a plan but it was up to me to "fix it".

I miss my family terribly but she chose to be a WAW and get involved with OM. Sometimes men have a hard time swallowing their pride and can't admit that they can't do it alone and must make tough choices(selling the house etc.) that I regret I didn't have the courage to admit I couldn't do it alone.

Don't give up on your M yet. Try as best you can and don't give in to temptation because it will cloud your thinking. Give your M the best chance for survival by reaching out BUT he has to take action by earning back your trust and respect.

MY W lost both for me and I have to live with the guilt of causing our family to break apart.

TRY TRY TRY but it takes two to make a M work.

[sgctxok]

It probably doesn't have to be all or nothing. The truth is if you don't face him now with his threats, you will do it months or years from now, because it must be done. And right now, you may be able to set some boundaries, and even get them set in place legally, and yet do it with love... and still keep your marriage together.

You still need to tackle the tough things....this is part of your self care and the care of your family.



I am so sorry you are in this situation. I will be praying for your family.

[Violet1]

Thank you for your input because things are really tough for me right now. I am trying to find the courage to make a move. I see that my doing nothing and hoping for the best is not the answer. I keep thinking that if I hang in there long enough and if I continue to work hard enough that things will change for the better. The pendulum will swing the other way.

However, I am losing my faith and have taken off my wedding ring. There is no OM for me which is the right thing and I will protect me and my kids from that. I do have my Mom and sister who listen and give support but I need professional help.

I made three calls to potential therapists but none of them work with my insurance. Money is a problem so I need someone that will work with the insurance. I am praying for the strength to make more calls and find a therapist.

Thank you for your prayers.

[sgctxok]

Think about what you actually want from a therapist.

Perhaps your EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) at work will cover the first few visits and then give you a discount as well. They will usually even link you to a therapist.

If you don't have an EAP, sometimes a church will offer assistance...you may not need to belong to the church, it may be part of an outreach. My first thoughts would be a Catholic Church or a 'mega' church--they often have professional counselors on staff.



Many counseling centers have sliding scales.
Try googling a Center for Human Services in your area. A friend of mine is a counselor for one such center. His therapy is very similar to Michele's style of therapy.

Make sure YOU are comfortable with whoever you choose.


While we are not professionals, please feel free to join the KLA 2007. No matter what you use the tool for, it may be helpful, and we're on your side.

Treat yourself well.

[Violet1]

I have not written for six months. However, I made an appointment to attend a seminar next week at a law office. I want to know what my rights are concerning H's debt.

Two weeks ago my D asked me why I don't get a divorce. You are so unhappy all the time - she said. You and dad don't even talk to each other. So much for staying together for the sake of the kids. They see. They know. What kind of life am I living? What kind of example am I giving my kids? I think even Dr. Phil would say that I've earned my way out of this M. Nothing will change unless I change it and once again I must step up and be the responsible one.

Feeling numb . . .

[Mamabear]

Violet,
How are you doing?
What steps have you taken to improve your situation and communication with your H?