Well, I'm back on this board. Been gone about 6 years. And I want to walk away from this M again. Not sorry that I didn't before but the lies are back and H has huge debt. H was downsized over 2 years ago and we are in a tight spot financially. H is lost with his career. H keeps taking commission-only jobs that don't pan out. I have become the family breadwinner and I have a hard time accepting this. H contributes nothing to the family coffers. All bills are paid from my accounts and money is really tight.
I feel like I have no future with H. However, I continue because of our kids although I'm not positive that's the right thing to do. 4-year old D often sings and made up her own song - mommy has no money so don't ask for anything.
I only found out about H's debt because of checking our credit. He has cards and loans that I knew nothing about. The bills go to a p.o. box. I have no idea what he bought or what he did with this money. Welcome to my nightmare. Does anyone know if I can be held responsible for those bills if my name isn't on the accounts or loans?
I don't know the answer, I think it might depend in part on your state - community-property states are different I think.
Seems to me like you might need a divorce just to protect yourself financially, even if you stay in a R with H. Do you truly have no idea what he spent the money on? What's your guess - gambling, drugs, strip clubs?
Perhaps legal aid could answer your questions about liability?
What is H's response to your discovery?
Also - run a credit chck on your name to see if anything coms up in your name.
I speak from experience...although I was able to work this out eventually with my H...of course this followed his losing his career job, taking commision only jobs, getting involved with an OW online and eventually having an A...he ran up about 120,000 in debt...I had just lost my job and we had to sell our home to keep from forclosure...sound familiar so far???
What I can tell you is that if you are in a community property state you are responsible for 1/2 of all debt even if your name is not on the account and even if you had no knowlege of the account....
The only difference is IF you can show a S...I filed a legal separation to protect myself...as it was explained to me by an attorney if I was legally separated at the time he aquired the debt I was not responsible...of course this won't stop creditors from trying to collect from you so you have to be strong...then what we were advised to do is keep the LS in place until H filed bankruptcy...this way it only knocks his credit and not mine...
I know how heart breaking this is...and how uncanny it is that you are dealing with this...my H did a number on me about 6 years before the BIG BOMB...I am so glad now that he can't get credit so he has to live within his means...but right now I would settle for him getting a job...which he is currently looking for...
I don't think this has to be the end of your marriage...but there is definitely some serious issues going on here and you definitely need help...and H has to agree to work with you...
I'm guessing he spent the money on potential business start-ups because he's always wanted to have his own business. Or, maybe penny stocks. Definitely not drugs. He's mostly home so strip clubs doesn't seem likely, either. We already worked through his MLC about 6 years ago and that's when he did spend money at those clubs. He traveled with his job back then and that is not the case now. I've looked for statements but haven't found anything yet.
I've asked several times about this debt but can't get an answer out of him beyond he did what he had to do to cover expenses. There's nothing tangible I can see that he's bought or done - no fancy car, clothes, electronics, etc. My own credit check is fine. In part, I'm dumbfounded because I don't charge more than I can pay. I like zero balances even more than shopping.
I'm trying to get up the nerve to call a counselor or an attorney. Which is difficult for me because I've always been the person to give help not to need it. I am angry about having to work through more problems again because of what happened before in our M. We went through M counseling and Retrouvaille. It took a lot for me to work through MLC with him and honestly, I don't know if I have the energy for more.
I need to find out if we are a community property state. I live in fear of the unknown - what else don't I know? Somehow I have to face this fear.
You can find out online if your state is community property or not...but the fact is most are these days due to be fair to women...what's his is hers and vice versa....including debt!
I would like to see the law changed...if it is a card that the other party had no knowlege of...and had no way of knowing of it because the privacy act still protects spouses from spouses!...I don't think that they should be responsible...or if it is proved that the charges were not to the benefit of the household but for OM/OW or selfish desires...
This goes beyond the enormous debt. I feel devalued as a partner. In the business world - how would one partner feel if the other partner made decisions solo and put the enterprise at risk? I feel like H has allowed the wolves to come knocking at our door. I don't feel safe in my own home. The phone constantly rings with callers looking for H and money. One spouse should not make decisions behind the other spouse's back and leave them out. I have had no voice in this. I do not want to be held accountable for H's actions. The trust is gone. If H was a business partner I would dissolve the relationship. However, I must consider our children. H is a loving dad to them. Which he would continue to be whether I stay with him or not . . .
This is my first post.... I've been lurking on these forums for months... Your thread is the same story as mine except I am the husband and the stay at home wife was draining all the finances. I felt compelled to reply since I have often used the same exact business analogy on how the partner was "embezzling from the business". You're not alone, and it sucks. In my case, I have completely taken over all the finances, but the trust is completely gone and I am being told how "tight" I am... Oh well Good luck to you... I will keep an eye on your thread since I'm at a loss as well and she refuses to go to counseling.
Thanks for responding. I lurked for some time before I finally got up the nerve to create this thread. I'm sorry to know that someone else is in a similar situation but in a way - I don't feel so all alone. It helps to know that someone else is trying to cope, just like me. Things are not good lately. I invited H to dinner and a movie to try to lighten the mood between us. The better mood lasted a day and now we've slipped back to barely communicating. About being "tight" - I get that from my H, too. However, H has started dipping into the checking account (only my paycheck goes into it) and using my credit card to pay for his expenses, like car payment and gas. I want him to stop but am afraid to tell him. H has a short fuse with me and the kids, lately.
Suggestion for What2DoNow: if your W won't go to counseling, how about a weekend away dedicated to working on your M? H and I went to Retrouvaille (means new beginning)some years ago and it really helped at the time. Kept us together and me from walking. Website is: http://www.retrouvaille.org. It is faith-based but is open to all faiths. It is not counseling but teaches communication between the couple. You don't have to tell anyone your "story". I have recommended this program to coworkers and they found the weekend worthwhile. Check out the site and let me know what you think. Good Luck to you, too!
Tomorrow is our Anniversary. I am uncomfortable "celebrating" it alone with H so I suggested taking the kids on an overnight trip to a new waterpark. Make it a family day, play with the kids, no work, no bills, just have fun. H agreed and I hope we do have fun. This will be our only family vacation for this summer. I wish I could do more for the kids.
Of course I'll have to pay for the trip so I'm glad there's an extra payday this month. I don't think either one of us was up for the romantic candlelit Anniversary dinner. H asked what he should get me and I said nothing considering what we've been going through. I'll give him a card and maybe he'll have one for me.
I've been burned on "nothing" before. It meant, "I'm not getting you anything but you'd better get me something good."
If you really want to exchange cards, "A card would be nice" is a good way without seeming like a trap. You will think you've given away the farm. He will think it's a subtle hint.
Perspectives from guy-land.
Openguy, the gift-shy
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
