Thanks, JJ! This board is SO busy! I appreciate you stopping in to give me your thoughts.
Quote: What small, small goal(s) could you set that you might be able to make happen in a week or two? Something that you could see progress with....
This is something I'm really having trouble with. The goals I listed above seem more like behavior changes now that I'm reading them again ???? Let's see....
Goals for our relationship: 1. H would spend more time with us on the nights he isn't working, maybe even spending some time w/me after the children are down 2. several more good conversations (other than children talks, as those tend to go well naturally, but I feel if we could have some good talks about other things that would be a plus in the R department) 3. we will laugh together
Goals for communication: 1. I will continue to improve by not interrupting, by listening and validating
Goals for me: 1. Plant hummingbird vine seeds 2. exercise every night
So, whatcha think? Why is this so tough? I guess one thing that seems hard is that I have other goals in mind (i.e.: he'll ask me out for a date), but I feel like I can't really set these as goals, b/c I can't make H do that. Confused! Thank you for your comments!
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Hi ~ Does anyone have a minute to take a look at my posts above? Just a little confused, and would appreciate some opinions. Thanks ~
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
I see alot of similarities between my situation and yours, Calystra. I've found your story (happy ending!) inspiring. Your goals were very specific and easy to measure when you were getting closer to them. I have tried to do the same.
I don't know how to link to my thread, but it is called "he says it's over."
My goals: GOALS in BLUE 180s In GREEN HOW I WILL KNOW IT IS WORKING is in RED
1. Be friends with H
* When I talk to H, I will listen more than talk--do not interrupt him when he is talking. * When I talk to H, I will validate what he says by reiterating what he says and acknowledge my understanding. * I will not discuss OW or our M with H or his family. * I will not say anything that could be construed as controlling or manipulating. *I will be happy and lighthearted when I talk to H. *Stop telling friends and family about the drama of what H is doing, or not doing. Simply tell them that this is hard, I am taking care of myself and I need them to support me. * Be cooperative with H's schedule for separating and starting divorce proceedings.
* H will be nice to be on the phone and in our contacts to discuss our separation agreement. * H will laugh around me. * H will tell me about his day or something in his life. * H will initate contact about something other than separating or the R. * H will move out of OW apartment. * H will stop talking about D. * H will agree to see a C or MC.
2. Continue to better myself.
* Continue weekly sessions with C. * Start going to yoga classes at least once per week. * Start working out again. * Do one nice, indulgent thing for myself each week. * Keep busy. Go out with girlfriends. Walk the dogs. Turn off the TV. * Call friends to do fun things or just hang out instead of waiting for someone to call and invite me. * Take care of myself. Take baths, keep reading my relationship/self-help books. Keep writing in my solution journal to monitor my progress. * Do not initiate any kind of contact with H. Wait one day to respond to any contact from H. * Study for the LSAT and take the test in October.
* I will not analyze H's actions. * I will be able to go out and have fun without getting sad and missing H. * H will ask me how I am doing or mention my changes.
3. Be a person that H can forgive and trust.
* Do not talk to OM about my M. * Do not talk about any OM with my friends or family. * Do not go out with any male friends alone--stay in mixed groups! *If H asks about OM or my EA/PA, answer him openly and honestly. *If H asks about my plans, answer him openly and honestly--be accountable. But no added details beyond what he asks for. * Keep my word with H. If I tell him I will do something, do it. * Do not make any changes that will affect our finances or M without talking to H first.
* H will not discourage my relationship with his family. * H will be less defensive. * H will acknowledge his share of the blame for the demise of our M.
"You are what you practice most."
I love this! Got me to thinking about new goals! A.Show my H that am his friend. 1. Stay upbeat and happy. 2. Touch his arm once in a while when I'm talking to him. 3. Really listen and show that I am interested in what he has to say. 4. Let him know I care. We have been joking around more lately. No disagreements for weeks now. I give him hugs when I feel it is right: this really works wonders with my husband! I also give him compliments.
B. Have my husband asking me do do something together. My goal is for him to ask me to play golf, go fishing or later down the road camping or a mini-vacation together. There's no sign of this happening yet. I asked him to go golfing and even though he seemed interested...nothing yet.
C. Start getting either new or old hobbies going and doing things to improve myself or make me happy. 1. Go for walks and lift weights. 2. Taking an online class. 3. Pick up either new or old hobbies. I have just signed up for online courses. And I live on a farm and have just bought baby chickens and turkeys. Plan on buying baby geese(gooslings) and ducks. I also have a small garden. Plan to start making baskets and quilts. I have an old house and have been remodeling and fixing it up. It seems I can't keep busy enough though.
I started out making goals, like you say in DR, and the goals I set, he kept, then w/out even knowing what they were, but I feel he had alterior motives. I had surgery on June 9th. H was going to fix my car while I was in hosp, so I gave him car. Hosp told me to send purse home w/ him, he took money in my purse, my cell phone, my checkbook. H called my bank and checked my acct for money. H & OW began forging checks for cash, ow made a lot of long distance calls on my cell phone to her family. When he ran the gas down to empty, he brought car home and parked it, didn't paint it, didn't even come pick me up from hosp in it. (H came in junky old p/u). He locked my purse and one set of keys in my car and he took other set of keys, leaving me post-operatively, w/ our children, stranded at home w/ no vehicle. Called him every day and asked for keys, every day said he'd bring them by, never did. He didn't want me to know he had taken my checkbook and writing checks on me. Now he has disappeared for 4 days. How do I set goals, I've been considering LRT. H is living w/ OW, he's addicted to drugs and I believe sex also. The goals I set he did only 3 wks ago and it made me ecstatic, but H has put me to an all-time low of depression over the past two weeks. I don't know which way to turn now. Do I go back and try setting goals? LRT? Joyful posted to me and told me about detaching w/ love, which I'm trying to understand, but do I need to be thinking goals right now?
Ok all, please let me know what you think of my goals.
I will (continue to) be my wife’s best friend and I will treat her more like my best friend. - I will ask her for advice on personal and professional problems - I will empathize with her dilemmas and frustrations - I will share my (non-relationship) concerns, fears and hopes with her - I will try to cheer her up when she is low by getting flowers, leaving non-romantic notes, etc.
If successful, she will: - Talk to me more about her day, without being asked - Start to make plans for us to do things as a couple and a family - Start to leave tokens of appreciation for me (including caresses when we pass, kisses on the cheek, etc). - Call me at work, just to chat.
I will appreciate my wife for who she is and what she does. - I will compliment her on the things she does around the house. - I will make sure that I do not increase the things she needs to do (e.g., leaving dirty dishes, leaving clutter, etc) - I will remark how valuable she is to her friends and our sons. - I will hug her when coming home and leaving for work. - I will make her tea and bring her nibblies when she’s out of the kitchen.
If successful, she will make the same comments back to me.
I will be a person that she can respect, and eventually, fall in love with again. - I will spend good, fun-filled time with our boys - Try to be more spontaneous in my thoughts and actions - I will work out to improve my personal appearance - I will encourage her to do the things she likes to do (without me) - I will leave her space to figure things out - I won’t jump to relationship talks whenever I feel the need to (let her initiate)
If successful, she will: - Come home from her exercise class and sit to talk with me (rather than going to bed or turning on the TV). - Initiate relationship talks on her own - Demonstrate more signs of spontaneous affection - Stop talking about leaving our marriage and start talking (even hypothetically) about possibilities of giving it a second chance.
1. I want her to feel safe and secure, always. 2. I want to stop any disagreements before they turn ugly, by keeping my acid tongue in check. 3. I want her to be more considerate and make me feel important to her. 4. I want her to go to C with me...and I want us both to learn how to stop the destructive patterns. 5. I want her to move back home before she rents the apt. ( staying with her son) 6. I want to make her feel close enough to me to be able to tell me anything without worrying what my reaction might be. 7. I want her to spend more time with me....and look forward to it.
My sitch has actually changed ( for the better) the last 2 days......even though she has an apt now...( I actually helped her move out for a while...and this action ALONE almost cleared out some of my goals already!)
Action for goal #1: This one is currently much easier than when I set the goal...since I had told her to move out in about 4 fights in the past year. But originally, it was to NEVER tell her that again. That would be the action...( or non action..if you prefer). I was simply going to refuse to be drawn that deeply into an argument to the point where we started making each other feel the pain we are feeling at the time.
#2. That's pretty much addressed in the previous action...but the technique I had thought about was to look at the humor in the exchange of words....over what usually amounts to something petty...when one steps back and looks at it. #3 - This is something she nearly solved on her own...last nite. She had admitted to making ME feel like SHE had felt sometimes in her previous R....and now realizes it. ( the inconsideration..etc.) She said she knows that this was a major contributor to my actions/reactions because it's a terrible feeling to live with. Since I now know she understands this...it's much easier to grin at her when she does something that makes me feel unimportant to her...and she grins back....knowing what I meant. Again...we are now looking at the same page, so to speak. She "gets it"...and if she doesnt right away in a future instance...then I'll just wait for her to do so. She will, eventually.
#4. She has now admitted to some of her baggage...and realizes how it affects the dynamics of the R. Now..we BOTH want to go to C....in the interest of dealing with our own respective issues.
#5. Well...I nearly got that one yesterday. She nearly chickened out...and said so. But this has actually been good for us. I helped her move...and we had a grand old time doing it ! She really knew the depth of my love by that one act of kindness. This is why some of her heart's armor fell off. She felt safe enough to share some of her deep secret feelings and fears with me...which led to a better understanding between us. She has moved....but wants to continue as if she lived here until she heals a bit and lets go of the anger inside of her. She has admitted that it's nearly gone now...because of how I treated her during the last few days..by being supportive, no matter how much it hurt me for her to leave. Thus, this goal needs to be changed or eliminated.
#6. Progress has been made. It was made by my taking the high road....helping her move, in addition to my not REACTING to every little thing that might bother me. I also made certain to tell her how much I think of her capabilities....and that a power struggle wasnt necessary. I said that we are both accustomed to being in control of our businesses.....and both are very intelligent. We are on the same team...and no competition exists between us. I made her understand that I think of her as an equal.
#7- Well...if I am not showing any signs of depression....and smile more...and look for the good in things..I would certainly be more fun to be near. I must stay positive. She has already commented on it...said I smile more.
Hm...Maybe some goal adjusting is in order. I'll think about them. BM
Could someone tell me if my goals are too vague please?
Stop being controlling
a) I will encourage you to go out with your friends once a week
b) I will not grill you on your actions or whereabouts
c) You will reassure me before you leave the house on these nights, by saying how you feel about us.
Stop being jealous
a) I will stop looking for men that are checking you out.
b) I will encourage you in your modelling career and stop worrying that you may inadvertantly be doing porn.
c) You will acknowledge my discomfort with men ogling you once a week, and my positive steps to change its effects on me.
Be more spontaneous
a) I will stop pressuring you to have sex in strange/new places
b) You will at least try one suggestion, once a month.
c) You will plan a date for us by yourself, once a month
a) We will set aside 1 hour once a week to talk about our relationship.
b) We will stop using “you” language when we disagree. Instead we will use “I feel” or “I think”.
c) I will consider your side before answering or disagreeing with you.
d) You will acknowledge my feelings, even if you disagree.
Be more loving
a) You will initiate an “I love you” twice a week.
b) I will not criticize you or your decisions
c) You will reply with “I’m lucky to have as well” when someone writes “Rob’s lucky to have you.”, once a month.
Be less clingy
a) I will stop continually trying to hug and kiss you.
b) I will transfer some of that affection to our kids
c) I will be sure to give you space
d) I will stop following you around like a puppy dog. This includes the internet.
Be more respectful
a) I will stop prying into your private affairs
b) I will stop going to the same websites as you
c) You will acknowledge my work/family/life achievements once a month
Begin to rebuild trust
a) I will stop monitoring your conversations with Andrew, and encourage you to return to pm’s with him.
b) You will restart your diary and trust I won’t read it again.
Give her space.
a) Keep contact to a minimum
b) STOP e-mailing her from work when you get lonely
c) Stop trying to talk about the relationship
Make myself happy
a) Stay positive
b) Re-arrange the house instead of sitting here with all her stuff gone and bare spaces where it used to be.
c) When women flirt with me, I will make an attempt to be cordial in return instead of ignoring them.
Any input would be greatly appreciated as I'm a little confused even after reading DB and DR numerous times.
I kicked the crap out of my wife and blamed her for protecting herself by calling the police. Now I am not providing for my two children.