I thought I would jump in and tell newcomers about the importance of goal-setting. And there's no better way to do this than to give you an example of goal-setting in action. For those of you who haven't read the thread regarding Joanne's goals, here it is!!!! Read it. Set goals. come back! Michele
I have 3 goals and the ones that I have to help improve my marriage are 1)Make the most out of C sessions with W. 2)Try to establish friendship with W by continuing to be nice and giving her space. 3)make the most out of phone coach with A DB'ing coach scheduled for monday.
What will this consist of? What are your specific goals on this? Learning communications skills? Getting her to hear your side? You hearing her side? Becoming more comfortable with each other?
What specific things would you consider to be "getting the most out of C sessions", and what actions could you take to get there?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
27882, Re-read the goal-setting thread with Joanne. Your goals aren't specific enough. Ask yourself, "What will I be doing when I ______(Fill in the blank with your goals)?" what actions will you be taking? If I were a fly on the wall, what would I see you doing.
Cooper, Goals 1 and 2 need more work for the same reasons as above. So, go back to the drawing board!! Michele
And by the way, veteran DB'ers can help here too!!! Michele
1. W will accept my invite to our house for dinner once a week. 2. W will invite me to join her piano practice. 3. W will chat with me about things happening during her days. 4. W will stop talking about D. 5. W will give me her phone number. 6. W will continue to try the "feel good" things we learned at C with me.
Embarrassingly, these goals are steps back of my previous goals back in late October...
1. Be friends with my H. * Try to stay happy and light in conversation. * Listen more than talk. * Give H full attention, make eye contact if in person. * Validate H's feelings. * Validate H's wants and needs. * Let H know his wants and needs are important to me.
Current Progress: * Have been happy and lighthearted, even joking around, in conversations with H. * Struggling with the listening more than talking - I find myself sometimes interrupting H (I do this to everyone) when he is expressing feelings, must learn to shut my mouth. * Always give H full attention, no interruptions. * Trying to validate H's feelings, wants and needs by reiterating what he says and acknowleding my understanding. * Need to work on letting him know he is important to me.
Results: H has begun to open up more to me about R and feelings - admits to being hurt and vulnerable. H has become honest about his feelings finally. H contacts me to tell me about things going on in his life. H jokes around with me.
2. Be a person my H will -want- to forgive and be with. * Stop tangible behaviors that led to feelings of distrust. (Talking about the old days, flirting with friends, talking online to others daily.) * See #1.
Current Progress: * Stopped all tangible behaviours that led to H's distrust.
Results: None yet. Most behaviours aren't visible to H on a regular basis, we have little contact and I just started most of these.
3. Develop my personal interests and self. * Workout regularly with friends. * Make new friends. * Go out more frequently with friends. * Take interesting classes (art class!). * Get involved in hobbies again. * Get involved in a sport.
Current Progress: * Working out every free evening after work with coworker. * Making new friends through coworker. * Going out with these friends as much as possible (which isn't much yet). * Taking an art class at the local college. * Started some crafts, picking art back up, reading frequently. * Looking into this (darn winter makes golfing difficult).
Results: On the PMA rollercoaster but it's usually fairly high. Art class is a lot of fun, enjoying myself there and in my new hobbies. Enjoying hanging out with friends again. Enjoying experiencing the nightlife of downtown Chicago and all the neat clubs available. Lost 30 pounds, would like to get into some kind of sport league.
My sitch is wierd because I can't trust him at all. I mean, even beyond the betrayal of the affair. Just from his behavior since this whole thing began. He has done nothing but lie and try to manipulate my emotions to keep me in a position where I won't upset the apple cart and get him into trouble.
But I know that I need to set goals because it is in the kids best interest for their parents to have a civil relationship at some point in the future. And the truth is - I still love him. Not the him that he is now, but the him that is buried somewhere down there. And I can only imagine that it's about to get very ugly since I'm no longer willing to play the role of victim in his game of emotional blackmail.
So my goals are:
1) Make a clean break from the past. I will know that this has happened when:
- he does not attempt to call for any other reason than to leave a message regarding the kids.
- he takes care of all of his personal affairs (parking tickets, legal issues, car registration, taxes, etc.) on his own.
- he changes his official address with the department, the car, the insurance, the kids schools to his actual physical address (not use one of his parents addresses as a cover) and land-line telephone number.
- he provides the children with some way of contacting him directly (either a pager or a cell phone).
- he makes an application to the court for visitation and if there are to be overnight visits, the location where the children will be staying is inspected by a guardian ad lietum appointed by the court and the address, telephone number, and persons who will be in the apartment at the time of the children's visit will be known to me.
This last one will be the tough one...to be honest, after the whole incident with the kids seeing him in bed with another woman there is a chance the court might not allow him to have unsupervised visitation. I told him the other day that the things he had done represented his own parenting decisions and I didn't have to like them but he had to bear the responsibility for them.
They are all things on his end, not actions of mine, because I have already taken my actions. I have filed for custody and support, I turned him in to the Department for fraternization. The whole ball of wax is starting to melt and while I hope that he's able to pull himself out of the fire, I don't think he'll be able to this time.
I dont think I can look any further ahead than that at this point. The wheels have already been set in motion because he cannot be trusted to act in a mature, repsonsible manner on his own. Once these things have been achieved and a sense of blissful normalcy has settled down over everything for a while, then I can look to potentially entering into a civil (albeit cool) direct relationship with him. And I can start to look at goals like building a friendship and co-parenting the children.
Calystra, I don't have lots of time to post, but I want to say that your goal-setting, progress towards your goals and results post is precisely what people need to do in terms of being specific. Way to go!!! You go girl.
If you're here for the first time, read the books and the articles on this site as well as people's advice and then set your goals. It's said, "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." So get going. Michele
I think I speak for the group when I say I'd love to see your appearance on the Today Show on Monday but unfortunately I don't have local network stations here (Dish Network Satellite subscriber) and can't tape it! I imagine most folks can though. But what I was thinking was one step above that, and that's having the appearance recorded and provided here on your web site where we can each download it and watch it from the comfort of our PCs! Any thoughts about this? Sorry to post this question on this thread - perhaps I should have e-mailed you directly instead. ;-)
Thanks for your post here I like the format of your goals and keeping track of what's going on, how you're doing.
That said:
My 3 Major goals.
1) Continue to explore how my family of origion affects my present day relationships. (was raised by alcoholics ) Continue to work through these issues for me. So that i may go into any R without subconciously sabotaging it.
2) Continue detaching lovingly from R with W. Hard to stay in this, work at trying to focus on me. My goal here is to become the person I have visualized myself to be at times in my life. That person is a more loving caring self
3) Develope love for Mitch. I think I need to become more realistic about how my self image affects my needs, wants, and desires.
These goals are all aimed at becoming the person I was potraying at the beginning of our R and somehow lost those parts of me that were that person. CoDependance????
Let me know what you think. thanks
Till change hath broken down
All things save Beauty alone
Goal 1) make a clean brake from the past (see post above)
Goal 2) Maintain a stable environment for my children. I will know I have done this when...
- DD#1's grades improve in school
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Special education assessment is being conducted by the district and should be completed within the next two weeks. 2) New tutor on Thursday nights for the rest of the school year. 3) Review her homework with her as soon as I get home from work and have her make any corrections.
- DD#2's increased mischeviousness is curtailed somewhat.
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Enroll her in the after-care program three days a week at the center where I work. 2) Modify my work hours occassionally so that she can have playdates after school.
- Mom is less stressed.
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Make a job chart for kids and call from work to make sure that they are doing them. 2) Do chores like food shopping, sorting clothes, laundry, etc. in the mornings before I take #2 to school so that I have more time in the evenings to spend with the kids. 3) Hire a mother's helper on the nights that I have class after work so that she has some free time in the afternoons.
- continued good relations with his parents
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Don't talk to them about sitch with their son unless absolutely necessary - keep talk happy and light - focus it on the kids (what they're doing, funny things they say, etc.) - tell them that I love them.
2) Give them unlimited access to their grandchildren - overnight visits whenever they want. - invite them to special events (DD#1's First Penance, Grandparents Day at school) - ask them to help my mom out with kids on occassion (Grandfather come up and take the two big ones out to dinner, Nanny J. take the baby during the week if Mom has an appointment)
- More time with the kids
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Do necessary housework alittle each day in the mornings so that my evenings are free 2) Let them sleep with me one night a week. 3) Keep them on a regular schedule so they know generally what to expect when and cut down on fights. 4) Weekly family day - when we go out and do fun things together. 5) Organize playdates at our house so I know their friends and are involved in their lives.
Goal 3) Work on myself as an individual. I know that I will have achieved this when....
- I'm more independent financially
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Second job 2) Application to court for support. 3) Putting in applications with city, feds, state courts, etc. for full-time employment 4) Assets in my name (own apartment instead of living with mom, own car instead of his name on it, own credit card, own cell phone)
- I'm independent emotionally
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Limit my interaction with him 2) Continue on my anxiety medication 3) Continue posting here to keep up my PMA and detaching.
- I'm more confident and secure with myself as a person
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Go back to school 2) Make new friends (on-line, around here) 3) Keep in touch with old friends 4) Carve out time for myself each day. - after kids go to bed - when kids are with him/grandparents/other friends
Those are my goals. Since there's not too much I can do with #1, I can concentrate on #2 and 3.
To listen to W as we discuss our separation. To really listen. To see the pain in her, and try to feel it too. To put aside, for once, my hurt feelings in all of this....and just see hers.
And to apologize from the depths of my heart (if I can find it) that I have not seen her side of the story for so long.
To sit across from her, make her comfortable with some smiles and warm talk, and to really see what she wants.
To not scoff at her demands, but to take everything she says under consideration. After all, she must feel strongly about it if she is saying it at our meeting.
And to do all of this with no thought of getting back together, but more as a closure of the unhealthy M.
1) Continue to explore how my family of origion affects my present day relationships. (was raised by alcoholics ) Continue to work through these issues for me. So that i may go into any R without subconciously sabotaging it.
Although it's great to try to understand WHY we "may" be the way we are, try not to get too stuck on it. Sometimes, a lifetime of studying the "whys" isn't enough to really understand, and usually doesn't take us to where we need to be.
Don't stop exploring, but try not to make it your main focus.
Set your focus more on the "whats". What doesn't work for you, and what does. What things might you be doing to either improve your relationships with those around you, and what things do you do to sabotage those relationships. From there, do more of what works, and less of what doesn't work.
I don't mean to make this sound simplistic, because I know that it's not. However, try not to get too stuck on changing, or "healing", what has happened in your past. Place your efforts in trying to change what is going to happen in your future, the things that you can do to make it better for you.
Michele, or one of the other professionals that frequent this board, may be of more help to you in this area. I DO want you to know, though, there there ARE ways to get a jump-start on things, without having any unresolved family-of-origin issues holding you back.
As for your other goals, try to break them down into more doable, smaller, action-oriented steps. Again, I find that adding "I will..." to the front of each helps. After you write each goal down, look back over it, and see if there is any way to break it down even smaller, make it more specific, and more achievable.
General, lofty goals are great, but they are less attainable, and make it more difficult for us to gauge our progress, and to keep the positive momentum going.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
1. My W stops the divorce proceedings. 2. My W finds Jesus again by going to church and picking up the Bible. 3. Once my W finds Jesus and stops the divorce, she finds me to reconcile our marriage.
My goals for myself: 1. Lovingly detach by not calling, emailing, or being lured into a fight when she calls (because she is angry a lot lately). 2. Pray daily for my W and my relationship, fast once a day every week to show my dedication to God and my marriage. 3. Go to church weekly, go to Bible study, become active in this new church, and find new friends at this church. 4. Watch what I eat, lift weights, and exercise. 5. Keep busy by finding new activities I always wanted to pursue.
Are those proper goals to have, especially for my wife?
TXAggie97
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Obviously, the long-term goal is to have my wife return with the kids. She filed for a legal separation 09/02
My three immediate goals are to:
Make my wife laugh (my sense of humor was one of things she liked) Have her inform me of anything going on at the kids' schools Have extended pleasant conversations beyond "formalities" of exchanging the kids.
Since we are having a settlement conference on Feb. 28, I'm looking to accomplish these goals within the next 7-10 days. Then I can move forward from there. One step at a time. Baby steps... Already I can see that she has mellowed in her discussions with me and that she is actually doing things for ME now (dropping off the kids, returning my video card, asking about the health of my mom). During the first three months of separation, that NEVER happened.
My personal goals are simple: forgive and forget. I'm 95% there. Forget about the influence of the MIL and SisterIL and work on the things that she liked about me originally. Stay healthy, exercise, boost my self-confidence, be cheerful and stay true to the serenity prayer. Daily Mass and rosary have been staples for 3.5 months already.
Make my wife laugh (my sense of humor was one of things she liked)
This is a GREAT one! It's probably one of the most important, yet most overlooked, parts of a relationship. Especially with all the tension that going on under the situation.
What things can you do to "tickle her funny bone", to remind her of this part of you that she liked?
Already I can see that she has mellowed in her discussions with me and that she is actually doing things for ME now (dropping off the kids, returning my video card, asking about the health of my mom). During the first three months of separation, that NEVER happened.
So, it looks like you may have been doing some things already that have been working! What do you think they are? What should you be doing more of?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Read a number of Here's my goals 1) increase communication with H - interaction with a "real conversation" at least once a week. Currently H doesn't talk to me. He's "dark" and he's the one with the EA. 2) Recover PMA more quickly when down 3) Increase displays of affection with H 4) Improve relationships with friends as an individual, not as one of a couple. Don't hole up in the house.
interaction with a "real conversation" at least once a week.
What would you consider a "real conversation" to be? What were they like in the past? What is the best that you would hope for? What would you be satisfied with?
Recover PMA more quickly when down
What things will you do to help recover your PMA? What things do you enjoy? What would you like to try that you haven't done before? What things really give your PMA a boost?
Increase displays of affection with H
What are these displays? What things could you do that by his definition, not yours, would be displays of affection for him?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Here are my goals. I need to add more and rework my old goals to reflect the current situation. I need to break down my relationship goals and my personal goals. I find I have a hard time making myself sit down and make goals even though I know they are critical for success. I wonder if I am scared to make my hopes tangible? I don't know, but I am going to try and refocus and work on preparing better goals. Oh, I refer to my W as HA throughout the goals.
Current Relationship Goals-
Primary (Overarching Goal):
Be in a married relationship with HA where we are both happy, fulfilled, and share equal power/responsibility. I want to build a family with her.
Issues in Relationship (Problems):
·Lack of Passion and Intimacy ·Lack of Ambition and Planning for Our Future Together ·Too Close to Family of Origin ·Poor Communication
Secondary Goal #1: - Lack of Passion and Intimacy
Desired State: To be emotionally and sexually passionate/intimate with HA at a level we are both satisfied with.
Current State: Somewhat awkward friendship. Good conversations about non-intimate, non-relationship topics. Friendly hugs, an occasional kiss on the cheek, an occasional touch on hand or shoulder.
Cause Analysis: The cause can be attributed to several factors:
1.Lack of and/or poor communication (dealt with later in goals)
2.My depression (Working on PMA & Worked out some issues alread)
3.My Resentment (Worked out some issues with C this summer)
4.Lack of Playfulness and Flirting-Fun in our Intimate Life – Stagnation oToo little physical contact – sex, kissing, and holding hands, etc.
Intervention(s):
Intervention for - Lack of Playfulness and Flirting-Fun in our Intimate Life – Stagnation
Flirt ·Touch ·Comment on her looks ·Eye Contact ·Use her name often ·Be emotionally present when with her Make myself new to her – add some mystery ·Do new and unexpected things ·Don’t disclose too much information Make myself really physically attractive ·Workout and dress better
Performance Objective:
When around HA I will increase intimacy through flirting by: ·Touching her in some manner at least 2 times ·Comment on her looks at least once ·Eye Contact whenever I am talking to her oNote think “I love you HA” when looking into her eyes – I believe it will be communicated through my eyes. ·Use her name whenever addressing her. ·Be emotionally present (focused on her) when conversing with her. ·Listen to her (really listen – draw her out).
First baby step indication of success:
If my interventions for Lack of Passion and Intimacy are working HA will:
·Want to be around me more. She will try and set up another time we will meet. ·Will allow some physical contact – she will also touch me back in like manner.
Like I said I need to rework these goals and add on to the goals.
What would you consider a "real conversation" to be? What were they like in the past? What is the best that you would hope for? What would you be satisfied with? Right now, it's like talking to a rock. I would be happy if he would look me in the eye, start sentences and make replies to my comments. He's totally withdrawn, and I want to start seeing him come out.
What things will you do to help recover your PMA? What things do you enjoy? What would you like to try that you haven't done before? What things really give your PMA a boost? When I'm on my own, not with H, I have much less problem with PMA. It's when I'm in the house with him, and he's a rock, that I get fustrated. That's the area where I am stuck. I've found and reinitiated recently a number of outside activities that make me feel better about me, but I don't know how to feel good when his silence is beating me down.
What are these displays? What things could you do that by his definition, not yours, would be displays of affection for him? Sex for one, and cuddling. He used to be quite a cuddler - up until very recently when he told me about OW.
Right now, it's like talking to a rock. I would be happy if he would look me in the eye, start sentences and make replies to my comments. He's totally withdrawn, and I want to start seeing him come out.
How are you at asking him "leading questions"? Questions that require, or elicit, more than just a simple yes or no answer? Are there any topics of conversation where he has more of a tendency to open up, and respond to you more? Any fields of his expertise that make him shine more, get to bragging a bit about what he knows maybe? Any subjects that you can get him talking about, and he just won't shut up?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yes, I've asked leading questions. They get nowhere. Yes, I've brought up subjects he's interested in. They get nowhere. Yes, I talk about where he shines. He's a great talker, but not to me recently.
I'll start off with my final goal first. The goal that we can be back together as a family. The goal that my W and I can have a sucessful new R.
My short term goals.... 1. To continue to improve the R with my kids 2. To continue to improve the R with my W as a friend first. 3. To continue to improve myself emotionally, spiritually and physically 4. To have the daily PMA to work on the LRT to stop this downward spiral that our M is in. 5. To be able to be closer to moving home when I must vacate my parent home
Here is a list of my goals it is more then three but most are dealing in the changes within me.
I will stop drinking completely (haven’t drank in eight months) I will watch what I say this involves what is said to others and what is said in front of my children I will not put myself in a situation where I could look to be deceiving I will not discuss relationship with my wife I will use the BB to vent my frustrations I will not put myself in a situation were I can become emotionally attached to anyone I will detached from my wife (feel I am detached things she does don’t really effect me) I will continue to do as much as possible with my kids I will go out more with friends (basically get a life) I will continue to exercise I will quit smoking with by February I will go Dark as such as not start any conversations not involving the kids
I would like my wife to become my best friend again I would like to spend more time alone with my wife I would like to have more conversations about things going on in our lives I would like to have intimate conversations with my wife discussing feelings I would like we spend time together going out as a family
Wife will call me to see how I am doing Wife will start conversations Wife will look me in the eye when conversing Wife will relax when talking to me and not forget what she was going to say all the time Wife will invite me to dinner Wife will hug me Wife will go out to dinner with me Wife will include me in future plans not just events involving kid’s birthdays
Thanks for putting this on the BB! My goals..... Do not talk about OR and A with H. Do not ask H to move back home. Think of a stop sign when I think of OW and A. I will not call or email H on the days I will not see him to give him his space and time. I will give him 2 compliments each time I see H. I will thank H for things he does for me, the dog, or the home. If there is a negative reaction from H, I will say to myself that it is okay and continue to be positive in my attitude. I will tell him "It makes me happy that you...." whenever he does something nice.
I get a bit stuck on this one. I am trying to set goals, but at the moment the main thing on my mind is to stop him wanting a divorce and wanting to sell the house so that he can buy a 3-bed to have the kids when he wants to. So: baby goals!
1. I will maintain my PMA - by conversing with friends; by going out regularly to do things I want to do; by having fun with my kids; by occasionally treating myself to something nice
2. I will compliment H when he does something nice (make a cup of tea, cook supper etc) or when he looks good
3. I will read and re-read DR and get hold of DB for extra support
#1 My self-confidence. I will feel like I am SOMEONE, like I am the one H wants to be with. I will be more secure and more outspoken about my needs.
#2 Communication. I will learn to accept H word as truth. I will agree to disagree and not always want to be right. I will learn to give the benefit of a doubt. I will respect his differences and not make him feel "wrong" or unappreciated.
#3 Relationship. I want H to come home (BIG goal!). I want more cuddling, hugs, kisses and ILY's. I want to be comfortable with H no matter what we are doing. I want him to initiate contact.
Progress so far: #1 I have been working on me and I do feel more secure and my self esteem is up. I have used various aids i.e. books and audio tapes, and I am more like my old self, though I have down days.
#2 Not doing so well here. H refuses to talk about R or anything remotely to do with "us". I have been taking him at his word instead of always doubting him like I used to.
#3 H has kept in contact. He calls me, sees me and when we have our weekend "dates" he will cuddle, hug and kiss, but no ILY. We still are not totally relaxed around each other.
A quick update on my goals of last Sunday's meeting with W:
Quote: My goal for this afternoon:
To listen to W as we discuss our separation. To really listen. To see the pain in her, and try to feel it too. To put aside, for once, my hurt feelings in all of this....and just see hers.
And to apologize from the depths of my heart (if I can find it) that I have not seen her side of the story for so long.
To sit across from her, make her comfortable with some smiles and warm talk, and to really see what she wants.
To not scoff at her demands, but to take everything she says under consideration. After all, she must feel strongly about it if she is saying it at our meeting.
And to do all of this with no thought of getting back together, but more as a closure of the unhealthy M.
I amazed myself at really following every one of these! We had our talk....and it went as well as possible. There was no R, but I think the foundation for a healthy M was finally started. Or perhaps the ground was cleared for such an event.
We haven't talked much since, as work has taken all my free time. But I truly think some sort of breakthru occured. She said that being friends with me is a possibility, whereas a month ago it was not.
So it seems that listening intently, (and beforehand trying to see HER point of view) is a powerful tool, changing both people involved.
Another meeting will be tomorrow...she is pushing for it. She says there is "something big still hanging over her", which is whether I am moving back in or not.
So for tomorrow:
I will again listen intently, not letting my ego get in the way of our R. If she pushes too hard, I will let it slide by, lovingly.
I will not give in to anything with the intention of gaining something back. No expectations.
I will treat her as an adult....which means no walking on eggs.
Like Edna says it is very impressive how you utilized your goals to set in motion a change in your wife’s thinking. In a month’s time you were able to go from not being friends to a possible friendship. Keep up the good work
Goals for Shay WEll I have been at this for over a year and things are working!! My h is very stubborn and distrustful in general so quite a mountain to climb...... I am afraid if I dont refresh my goals then I will aim at nothing... goals revised:
1. give H space 2. focus on me and not OW: if it becomes part of my thoughts then redirect towards something ahppy in my life 3. do things I like to do running, redecorate, go part time 4. dont ask H to spend the night- PUSH him out the door! ( he likes this- makes him want to stay) 5. be back together by april 6. H doesnt go out every friday ( already seeing signs ) 7. Have a difficult conversation with H wi/o resentment and total acceptance (without supporting his actions either) I think I keep letting him off the hook becuase I have really worked on forgiveness. 8. Go on a trip together
what does everyone think? ??? BTW, my H wouldnt even sit in the same room with me 1.3 years ago. now he says he thinks about me more and more and would not rather be with someone else. He even has more happy memories of us together now.
Goals for February 2003 1 DB in lighter shade of gray. Evaluate progress on 2/15
2 Continued contact with H at least 5x per week via email, phone, personal visit (prefer initiated by him - I rarely initiate)
3 Be a friend to my H. Make him want to be around me longer. Do this by being kind and pleasant, upbeat, ask how he is doing, show interest in him as an individual, give him some loving attention (w/out mentioning OW or R).
4 Make home feel like "HOME" for H. By making it cozy and comfy. Candles, clean, decorate a little bit. Play games with kids when H arrives, and hopefully encourage his participation.
5 Make H feel safe here, like this is his "HOME" and his refuge. By accomplishing goals 3 & 4.
6 Look great whenever he sees me
7 Go to 2 PWP events this month
8 Do something with a friend 2x this month
9 Deal with new car thing w/ my H if H initiates.
10 Walk again 2x/week, weights/toning 2x/week, and TaeBo 1x/week
11 Lose another 5 pounds before Feb 28th - almost at my goal weight
12 Laugh as often as possible
13 Continued interest from my H. He will ask ?'s about me, not just the kids.
14 Complete the sep papers if H initiates. Keeping the R and business separate in my mind to get through it.
15 Let H see me doing things he likes about me. Let him see what he is missing in me. Particularly things OW cannot offer him.
scrapbooking being a good/fun mom decorating the house good, kind, and loving heart ask about his work and offer to help him if I can
16 Speak in H's love language "Acts Of Service":
offering to assist with advice about his work (something he liked about me) offering to help with things at house completing projects in the house (which also makes me look independent, important to H) take care of things in house on my own thank H for things he does here
17 Maintain patience even if I see some progress.
18 Be the OW!!
Ongoing 1 Closer walk with God. Will see signs that He is there. 2 Work on changes in me, for me, because that is what God wants me to do 3 When OW around kids pushes my buttons, find somethig to occupy my mind 4 Pray until I get the answer on how to proceed with OW (no answers yet) 5 Keep seeking out and enjoying laughter wherever you find it. That old cliche, "Laughter is the best medicine," 6 Pray for God to soften hearts of H and OW, and for them to see their sin. Pray for their salvation. 7 Pray that the enemy will not be present in my home or in H whenever he is around us.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Can you still set goals if you are already in the Attorney phase? My H is the one that wants the D, I am not. My H is the one that has an OW and he lives with her. I feel I beat my head against a brick wall because I can't get answers out of him as to why this happened. We have two small children that mean the world to both of us and I feel it is important for my H to try to work this out and have a fresh start/new beginning. He just seems so into being selfish and having his freedom and I guess enjoying his life thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. How do I try to pull him back if we are at the stage of Attorney's? It has spun so out of control and I don't know how to get it back or to help him figure out why he fell in love with me, etc. How could all be gone? I try not to live in the past and I love him so much even though he has been doing this to me. Am I a fool for still loving him when there is an OW involved? I know for a fact that she makes a decent living for herself (they met at the job) and I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. Could that be the reason he is with her. I don't get any of this. I need some guidance. Thank you.
I also forgot to mention that we have been on this roller coaster ride since Aug. 2001. My problem is I have been trying so hard to figure out what goes on inside of his head and why he would be doing this to us. I just need answers. Is it wrong for me to want answers?
My goals:
1. For my husband to fall back in love with me.
2. Correct the lack of communication we have in our lives.
3. Start Marriage counseling again. (He only agreed to go 3x's in the way beginning)
4. Stop PURSUING my H, it obviously doesn't help me when he doesn't want to return.
5. Stop being intimate with my H because it isn't helping the situation with him having his cake and eating it too.
So if W says she wants to leave, I should not try to stop her?
Just accept it, and talk about how we will arrange it for the children and pets? From all I've read, that would seem to be the right attitude. I just hope I have the strength to do it. I fear that that is what is coming. I'm doing my best to act positive when around her. On the phone today, I asked how she was doing, and when she asked me how I was doing (a good sign), I was almost unsure how to answer. I said OK after a hesitation.
She has said before that she might like me, but would never love me again. I guess the goal would be to have her like me as a friend, before thinking of anything bigger. But since she has also said that if she leaves, she is never coming back, I've never been able to respond positively when she speaks of leaving.
I guess I got trapped once when I said I wanted to respect her wishes, and have her be happy. Her reply was that we should get divorced then. I didn't have an answer for that.
Still living under the same roof, but with little contact, and no talk from her, its hard (or all too easy) to measure her attitude towards me.
My goals: 1. Pray for guidance for me and WAH twice a day. 2. Meditate daily 3. Take care of my health by resting, sleeping well, eating healthy food, being in nature, practicing gratitude. 4. Focus on what I am learning from this situation 5. Practice the fruits of the spirit 6. Visit DB site every day 7. Participate in the KLA group 8. Take Spanish lessons each week 9. Do things that will improve my PMA such as listening to uplifting music, being around little kids, cooking for friends, seeing a play or concert, viewing a funny movie. 10. Exercise by doing weights 2x/week, yoga 3x/week and cardio workout 4x/week 11. Read up on growing orchids 12. Accomplish goals at work 13. Concerning my WAH: I will not display anger, I will have a soothing voice when we talk, I will listen, validate and not defend, I will use words of affirmation, I will show him the small ways in which I need him, I will put no effort in fixing his depression/confusion, I will nourish him in the form of small love gestures, I will give space and then tap in with rich and precious positive gestures.
I will know I am making progress when he: 1. Inquires or shows interest in how I am doing. 2. Informs me of his plans/schedule. 3. Agrees to go out to have a meal or drink with me. 4. Shares information about his family and his work. 5. Discusses a future plan that includes me. 6. Joins me when we run into each other at the coffee shop. 7. Initiates friendly contact with me on his own
Progress from October 6th-February 4th: We have made progress in the past 4 months of separation. My H just today for the first time inquired about how I am doing today via email! Last week he informed me of his travel schedule. More recently he sat next to me at the coffee shop.(twice he went as far from me as possible) He has declined an invitation for a beer (in Dec and I have not re-initiated the invite) and has not discussed any future plans that included me. So far, he has not called, emailed or sent a card to me to initiate contact on his own.
I will continue to seek out activities like my book club that fulfill my need to have my own life
I will volunteer for the towns ambulance co.. (the town will pay for the needed education and though they don't pay for the work done, I will use the certification (emt) to seek employment with a paying company 2 nights a week to set money asside to pay for my masters degree)
I will continue to look for the possitives
I will continue to make improvements in the home
I will continue to go to the gym and get back in shape (summer is comming after all)
I will try to do something creative and fun with the kids at least once a week.
I will "try" not to let h's mood (or lack there of) get me down.
h will initiate an outing (rather than just accepting my ideas) h will express some thoughts, feelings, etc to me h will ask me to put my ring back on h will go to c with me, or at least be open to real discussions about us. h will fall "in love" with me again h will no longer keep ow as a customer h will get rid of appartment h will initiate hugs for no reason (is doing this on occasion) h will say i love you without prompt (has done this only three times since his deiceding to "try" and come home and those were only at the begining h will let me know what his needs are, both those that are being met and those that aren't or weren't (after all it is not likely that one would seek another if their needs were being met) ---when asked still now h's need is simply to ensure that kids and I are ok...this to me does not sound good...
I know that the goals that involve h are not mine to attain but they are what I want...any ideas on how to accomplish those goals?
Just wanted to remind everyone to revisit their goals and update them every so often. I just updated mine, you can check it out on my thread at: Forgiveness Received! (Divorce Started)
I will again listen intently, not letting my ego get in the way of our R. If she pushes too hard, I will let it slide by, lovingly.
I will not give in to anything with the intention of gaining something back. No expectations.
I will treat her as an adult....which means no walking on eggs.
I will breathe deeply, and smile warmly.
Seemed to follow thru on all of them to some extent. And she responded well. She is starting to open up a bit. I think that I am hindering things now by dwelling (in my mind) on the past.
Now for this week:
1. I will see how she views the world...how she could have said the things she has said to me. I will spend some time each day pondering this issue exclusively.
I love this thread. It's so constructive. The more you plan, the less you complain, the better life becomes and the more likely you get where you want to be. So keep setting and reaching your goals. I'm rooting for you! Michele
Quote: Now for this week: 1. I will see how she views the world...how she could have said the things she has said to me. I will spend some time each day pondering this issue exclusively.
I will become an expert on how my W feels, and why she feels the way she does. I will become my W for brief periods each day, seeing how she saw the world as a kid, a teenager, a young wife, and an unhappy wife. NO judgement, just feeling and insight.
Various strategies: 1) Grovel 2)Share how much it would mean to me 3) Do a 180, say I don't need a moderator to stop by my thread. 4) Try something different, humor maybe.
Michelle- Thank you for your books, especially Divorce Remedy. I have been married 20+ years and have a near-WAW (and two teenagers).There seem to be some MLC issues involved with her, but she is not quite yet to infidelity. I appreciate your solution-oriented strategy, and not just focusing on problems in relationships. I just started posting in the newcomer’s forum, and wonder:
1) how I might deal with pent-up anger/resentment in my W? I don’t see strategies for diffusing that in your book (I probably missed it),
2) would you please check my thread and please comment on the goals and strategies? I have been following the principles of your book for about a year, and it seems that OR is "in neutral" at present. It feels like I’m missing something, because I haven’t seen small incremental progress for a while, and in her social group "all husbands are still jerks". Maybe you could make a suggestion that I could experiment with, or help refine or refocus my goals? I’d like to move OR outside of that stereotype and hopefully diminish the negative influence of some of her friends on OR (i.e., people can’t change).
I appreciate any help or insight you can provide. Thanks again for this resource and for your books; I hope I use them well enough to be successful. I’m trying very hard to build a better relationship for all four of us.
My H and I are separated. (For about a month.) Last week I had just 2 goals:
1. That he ask how I was doing. 2. That he stay and talk with me after he helped put the kids to bed.
Both these goals were met on Sunday. (3-2-03) Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to read too much into obtaining these goals in fear of allowing myself to have false hope...but I guess they are good signs.
Unfortunately, I can't seem to get past my anger with him in order to figure out what my next goals should be.
Quote: I can't seem to get past my anger with him in order to figure out what my next goals should be.
From what I know, KMP, anger is based in fear. So what do you fear? Abandonment (that's my deal)? Whatever it is, it is in your control. That thought alone helps me tremendously.
Not much luck in seeing things from W's point of view. Will continue. But in the meantime, I'm trying to see what MY point of view is. What I believe. Who I am.
Doing some meditiations....one of those "Active" meditations, reciting a mantra as much as I can. Whenever I feel uneasy, I usually remember to say it. And bring the negativity from my head down into my heart where it melts away. Meeting the negativity head on like that seems to be better than using diversions....it'll just crop up again.
So, a month from now I hope to read this and say to myself "Good job, you are still practicing this."
In reading thru this goal section I am aware that my goals have not been specific enough or action oriented. Shame on me, but it is never too late to start.
1. H will show interest in my life, actions that would indicate this are: asking me about the things I am working on like school, calling to check in on me or our D, will actually have a conversation with me face to face that lasts for at least a few minutes to start. 2. H will agree to have dinner or share a meal with me and D. I am looking for him to be willing to spend just a fraction of time with us in a positive manner. I know he is fearful, afraid of caring, but I want to see signs that he can move past this. 3. H will respond to a positive email I send in kind, it can just be words of a positive nature about our D, but I want to see him at least share something positive with me. This is one of the things I miss most, he says nothing, shares nothing 'good' with me. I want some sign that the shut out is ending.
Well, I did only 3 goals as Michele suggests.
For me, I want to continue to work on patience in this and all areas of my life, I want to continue to work on my education and building a more complete picture of me. I think that was one the of the things missing, I was putting so much of myself into the relationship, I forgot I had to be complete on my own before I could be a contributing member of anything.
I also promise to review and update my goals on a regular basis, so I have a target in mind to hit.
I think I am ready to update my goals. Basically my old goals were: 1. My self-esteem. 2. Communication with H. 3. Wanting more affection/contact.
I made quite alot of progress on those. I feel more like my old self, confident and worthy. H and friends all notice the way I have improved. I feel GOOD!
As far as the communication, H started talking more about R. I validate his issues and he also started validating some of the things I said. Only a few times did I stumble and backslide. Both of us were quick to make up, whereas before he would REFUSE to apologize and let it go.
H also started initiating contact, to the point of pursuing ME! He is really loving at times, generous with hugs, kisses and cuddles. No ILY but that is not so important when I FEEL the love from him. And I do feel it. We are alot more comfy with each other now, too.
Ok...new goals. Small but important. #1. Occupying myself so I can stay sane and not want to push when the good stuff happens. I want to detach easily and back off, work more on my elusive patience and stay busy.
#2. I want H to put his ring back on and agree to commit to working on M again. I do want him home but I will settle for a commitment to come home one day.
#3. Communication...still a bit of a problem as far as handling some of the "sore" subjects. I want us to learn to discuss R productively and not get angry and frustrated.
That should do for now. I plan to accomplish them all.
How can I think of goals when I'm not sure I want to be with my H. How I can I love him again? would that be a goal. I can't even bring myself to talk to him without being angry. He had the affair with a now X friend of mine who lives near by and works in the same school system as I do (how can I ever get away from his A with OW being so close to my home, work and life?), H is still living in our house, and we have 5 children, 18b, 16b twins, 14g, 12b. My daughter is afaid I will leave although I have reassured her I'm not, she chases after me everytime I go out the door. One of my twins can't stand to see me so unhappy, I just tell him to focus on his school work, He is an "A" student and I don't want this to interfere with his future. I need help with these goals. I need help with applying your principles from your DR book.
So, a month from now I hope to read this and say to myself "Good job, you are still practicing this."
Yep, still practicing this "Heart-melt" meditation. And also saying "I demand peace and joy right now." Gets the subconscious working for us, not against us like it is prone to do when left alone.
After a rough few days, where W is now firmly and adamantly intent on D, I have a certain calm....maybe temporary, but very peaceful right now. And, in that framework, my goal is now not to save the M, but to choose to have a good attitude, to be grateful for all. And if that brings my M back from the brink, great. I choose, tho, to be kind and upbeat. Even thru any D proceedings.
Goal: To choose the kind, loving path in every interaction, in every thought.
Hope that this goal is still at the forefront of my mind one month from now!
Goals 1. Improve my R with my D's 2. Improve myself physically and emotionally 3. Improve my PMA so that I have a PMA daily 4. Improve my R with my H so that we can be freinds above all else
I will have to take some time to think about how to get more specific about how to attain these. I will re-post once I have something.
Well here goes. I've tried to work through what is happening in my marriage - what needs to change - and what I can do to make the changes more likely. I hope I'm on the right track
GOALS
1. H says he does not feel the same way about me anymore that he feels like he is just my best friend. He can't (or won't) explain what he means by this or why he feels this way. He says it is not something I have done (or not done). I can only guess at this. so.....
* he needs to see me again as a woman and not just as a mother (complete with PJ's at 3pm, baby spew and greasy hair) * he needs to see that I have more than enough love in my heart for him and our son. * he needs to see our life as a family instead as a couple doesn't have to be all baby, baby, baby and that sometimes spending time as a family can be fun too. * he needs to see that now that my hormones have levelled out I am still the same fun person that he loved.
I will do that by.........
# Always looking my best when he comes around. I have aleady lost 40lbs and have started working-out to tone up. I think I look GREAT # Being loving towards him whatever he says or does. # Getting a sitter and going out with friends to have some FUN (as he will not spend time alone with me at this time). Giving him the option to come on outings with me and our son. # Talking to him about things other than his work or our son and try to make him laugh. I should take time to keep up with stuff we used to enjoy together.
2. H is confused about whether he wants to stay in our marriage or persue relationship with OW. At the moment he is choosing the OW
* He needs to see that if he chooses to work on our marriage I can forgive him * I need to give him time and space to work things out and come to his own desision
I will do that by........
# not mentioning OW or asking questions about OR or our future # not speaking about my feelings right now # not complaining about how hard it is being in this sitch and looking after baby # appearing happy when I talk to him/see him
Probably more goals I could set needs some for thought. Any feedback appreciated as I've wasted a lot of time and would like to start on the right track.
Yanni
Yesterday has been and gone Today's here for the taking Tomorrow's just a dream away And dreams are yours for making.
Be friends Do not initiate contact unless urgent and then by email Listen intently and repeat back to show understanding Try to be happy and upbeat when talking to W. Do not talk about R. Exude PMA at all times, especialy when with W. Never talk in anger Count to 10 when upset, never repond through emotions
Be a person my W. will -want- to forgive and be with. Stop all behavior that has caused resent and hurt - no more angry outbursts
Develop my personal interests and self. Continue musical development, write more, play more. Counselling for anger and sex/porn issues/addiction See more of my friends Read more, develop more
Hmm, i have seen results before - started to open up to me when i tried to "just be friends" Then I slipped and we went back to noi contact so starting again now, will keep posted!!
I am going to update my goals in the pattern of Calystra and Yanni - thanks for the good example.
I want to do this as an exercise for myself. I am having a hard time separating goals from "things that are working," maybe because they overlap some.
Goals for the marriage: 1. that our marriage will survive and flourish (leave behind the old R, and build a new, more healthy R together) - Some smaller goals within this BIG and ultimate goal - ~H will end relationship w/OP ~H will move back home w/me and the children (not much I can do here - H has to do this. I am trying to nudge H in this direction w/ some of the other goals and behaviors on my list.)
2. to improve our communications skills - some smaller goals w/in this BIG goal - ~Have conversations without arguing/seeming angry ~To really listen and validate w/out giving my opinion, trying to fix, or thinking of what I will say next ~ No interrupting, finishing H's sentences Progress here: ^Have had several conversations, including the one in which H told me about OP, w/out geting angry ^Noted he wasn't wearing ring today (the first time I've seen this), asked "where is your ring?" and then said nothing more ^Doing better at not interrupting ^Have been validating H's feelings, showing empathy, even when I feel he should feel guilty 3. for H and me to have regular time together as a couple (Here again, not much I can do on this one right now. Just a goal for the future.)
Steps I am taking to try and accomplish these goals: 1. I have stopped doing what wasn't working: *pursuing *pleading *trying to convince H we can work this out,etc. *initiating R talk *asking H to go to C/Retrovaille or to talk to his friends 2. giving H time and space 3. acting as if I'm happy and OK, whatever H's mood; trying to stay steady, and not let H's mood swings affect me 4. trying to be H's friend w/ no pressure 5. not letting H see me cry/be upset 6. I have stopped saying ILY, unless H says it first
Goals for myself: 1. to appear and feel more attractive 2. to appear and feel more confident, serene, calm 3. to detatch lovingly, to keep my hopes and expectations in check 4. to be someone H will choose to be with again (By working on the list below - See #####) 5. working on the house 6. exercising 7. staying busy
##### Behaviors that led to H's unhappiness (I am including this list for my clarity. It helps me make the other goals more specific): 1. me acting as if I am always right 2. not realizing what H needed, not being supportive of H's needs (acting sad when he went out for time to himself, instead of enthusiastically encouraging H to go) 3. answering an "I need this" statement from H with "OK, but I need this." 4. Being jealous of H's female friends 5. being insecure/having low self esteem/being needy and clinging (doubting/questioning his love for me - "I can't believe you picked me;" saying negative things about myself) 6. Snooping (a cheeseless tunnel) 7. getting angry in conversations, instead of talking about things rationally (not controlling myself - this is "one of the things" H "doesn't like about me.") 8. our cycling behavior (arguing instead of discussing; he withdraws; I become desperate and fearful, cling, cry, etc.) Steps to take to change these behaviors/patterns: +not acting as if I'm always right (I wasn't aware I did this, so I'll have to keep thinking on this one +realize H's needs/be mre conscious of them/be and act OK when H needs "a night off"/let H see from my responses that I am truly supportive of his time away +When H tells me one of his needs, say, "OK," and that's it +I'll have to work on not being jealous, especially now, but feel I had made some progress, even before the bomb. +Improve my self esteem - working on this - some progress +stop snooping - Accomplished! +doing fairly well here, see above +by actually accomplishing some of the above steps, I will help break the cycling behavior; also, I should work on being less needy/being more OK w/just me
My idea is to incorporate/translate the list of things that led to H's unhappiness into goals for me.
Please let me know what you think. Just writing this has helped alot. Thank you for reading this and for your input.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I would ask, though, what small, small goal(s) could you set that you might be able to make happen in just a week or two? Something that you could see progress with that will keep you inspired to keep on going?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks, JJ! This board is SO busy! I appreciate you stopping in to give me your thoughts.
Quote: What small, small goal(s) could you set that you might be able to make happen in a week or two? Something that you could see progress with....
This is something I'm really having trouble with. The goals I listed above seem more like behavior changes now that I'm reading them again ???? Let's see....
Goals for our relationship: 1. H would spend more time with us on the nights he isn't working, maybe even spending some time w/me after the children are down 2. several more good conversations (other than children talks, as those tend to go well naturally, but I feel if we could have some good talks about other things that would be a plus in the R department) 3. we will laugh together
Goals for communication: 1. I will continue to improve by not interrupting, by listening and validating
Goals for me: 1. Plant hummingbird vine seeds 2. exercise every night
So, whatcha think? Why is this so tough? I guess one thing that seems hard is that I have other goals in mind (i.e.: he'll ask me out for a date), but I feel like I can't really set these as goals, b/c I can't make H do that. Confused! Thank you for your comments!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hi ~ Does anyone have a minute to take a look at my posts above? Just a little confused, and would appreciate some opinions. Thanks ~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I see alot of similarities between my situation and yours, Calystra. I've found your story (happy ending!) inspiring. Your goals were very specific and easy to measure when you were getting closer to them. I have tried to do the same.
I don't know how to link to my thread, but it is called "he says it's over."
My goals: GOALS in BLUE 180s In GREEN HOW I WILL KNOW IT IS WORKING is in RED
1. Be friends with H
* When I talk to H, I will listen more than talk--do not interrupt him when he is talking. * When I talk to H, I will validate what he says by reiterating what he says and acknowledge my understanding. * I will not discuss OW or our M with H or his family. * I will not say anything that could be construed as controlling or manipulating. *I will be happy and lighthearted when I talk to H. *Stop telling friends and family about the drama of what H is doing, or not doing. Simply tell them that this is hard, I am taking care of myself and I need them to support me. * Be cooperative with H's schedule for separating and starting divorce proceedings.
* H will be nice to be on the phone and in our contacts to discuss our separation agreement. * H will laugh around me. * H will tell me about his day or something in his life. * H will initate contact about something other than separating or the R. * H will move out of OW apartment. * H will stop talking about D. * H will agree to see a C or MC.
2. Continue to better myself.
* Continue weekly sessions with C. * Start going to yoga classes at least once per week. * Start working out again. * Do one nice, indulgent thing for myself each week. * Keep busy. Go out with girlfriends. Walk the dogs. Turn off the TV. * Call friends to do fun things or just hang out instead of waiting for someone to call and invite me. * Take care of myself. Take baths, keep reading my relationship/self-help books. Keep writing in my solution journal to monitor my progress. * Do not initiate any kind of contact with H. Wait one day to respond to any contact from H. * Study for the LSAT and take the test in October.
* I will not analyze H's actions. * I will be able to go out and have fun without getting sad and missing H. * H will ask me how I am doing or mention my changes.
3. Be a person that H can forgive and trust.
* Do not talk to OM about my M. * Do not talk about any OM with my friends or family. * Do not go out with any male friends alone--stay in mixed groups! *If H asks about OM or my EA/PA, answer him openly and honestly. *If H asks about my plans, answer him openly and honestly--be accountable. But no added details beyond what he asks for. * Keep my word with H. If I tell him I will do something, do it. * Do not make any changes that will affect our finances or M without talking to H first.
* H will not discourage my relationship with his family. * H will be less defensive. * H will acknowledge his share of the blame for the demise of our M.
I love this! Got me to thinking about new goals! A.Show my H that am his friend. 1. Stay upbeat and happy. 2. Touch his arm once in a while when I'm talking to him. 3. Really listen and show that I am interested in what he has to say. 4. Let him know I care. We have been joking around more lately. No disagreements for weeks now. I give him hugs when I feel it is right: this really works wonders with my husband! I also give him compliments.
B. Have my husband asking me do do something together. My goal is for him to ask me to play golf, go fishing or later down the road camping or a mini-vacation together. There's no sign of this happening yet. I asked him to go golfing and even though he seemed interested...nothing yet.
C. Start getting either new or old hobbies going and doing things to improve myself or make me happy. 1. Go for walks and lift weights. 2. Taking an online class. 3. Pick up either new or old hobbies. I have just signed up for online courses. And I live on a farm and have just bought baby chickens and turkeys. Plan on buying baby geese(gooslings) and ducks. I also have a small garden. Plan to start making baskets and quilts. I have an old house and have been remodeling and fixing it up. It seems I can't keep busy enough though.
I started out making goals, like you say in DR, and the goals I set, he kept, then w/out even knowing what they were, but I feel he had alterior motives. I had surgery on June 9th. H was going to fix my car while I was in hosp, so I gave him car. Hosp told me to send purse home w/ him, he took money in my purse, my cell phone, my checkbook. H called my bank and checked my acct for money. H & OW began forging checks for cash, ow made a lot of long distance calls on my cell phone to her family. When he ran the gas down to empty, he brought car home and parked it, didn't paint it, didn't even come pick me up from hosp in it. (H came in junky old p/u). He locked my purse and one set of keys in my car and he took other set of keys, leaving me post-operatively, w/ our children, stranded at home w/ no vehicle. Called him every day and asked for keys, every day said he'd bring them by, never did. He didn't want me to know he had taken my checkbook and writing checks on me. Now he has disappeared for 4 days. How do I set goals, I've been considering LRT. H is living w/ OW, he's addicted to drugs and I believe sex also. The goals I set he did only 3 wks ago and it made me ecstatic, but H has put me to an all-time low of depression over the past two weeks. I don't know which way to turn now. Do I go back and try setting goals? LRT? Joyful posted to me and told me about detaching w/ love, which I'm trying to understand, but do I need to be thinking goals right now?
Ok all, please let me know what you think of my goals.
I will (continue to) be my wife’s best friend and I will treat her more like my best friend. - I will ask her for advice on personal and professional problems - I will empathize with her dilemmas and frustrations - I will share my (non-relationship) concerns, fears and hopes with her - I will try to cheer her up when she is low by getting flowers, leaving non-romantic notes, etc.
If successful, she will: - Talk to me more about her day, without being asked - Start to make plans for us to do things as a couple and a family - Start to leave tokens of appreciation for me (including caresses when we pass, kisses on the cheek, etc). - Call me at work, just to chat.
I will appreciate my wife for who she is and what she does. - I will compliment her on the things she does around the house. - I will make sure that I do not increase the things she needs to do (e.g., leaving dirty dishes, leaving clutter, etc) - I will remark how valuable she is to her friends and our sons. - I will hug her when coming home and leaving for work. - I will make her tea and bring her nibblies when she’s out of the kitchen.
If successful, she will make the same comments back to me.
I will be a person that she can respect, and eventually, fall in love with again. - I will spend good, fun-filled time with our boys - Try to be more spontaneous in my thoughts and actions - I will work out to improve my personal appearance - I will encourage her to do the things she likes to do (without me) - I will leave her space to figure things out - I won’t jump to relationship talks whenever I feel the need to (let her initiate)
If successful, she will: - Come home from her exercise class and sit to talk with me (rather than going to bed or turning on the TV). - Initiate relationship talks on her own - Demonstrate more signs of spontaneous affection - Stop talking about leaving our marriage and start talking (even hypothetically) about possibilities of giving it a second chance.
1. I want her to feel safe and secure, always. 2. I want to stop any disagreements before they turn ugly, by keeping my acid tongue in check. 3. I want her to be more considerate and make me feel important to her. 4. I want her to go to C with me...and I want us both to learn how to stop the destructive patterns. 5. I want her to move back home before she rents the apt. ( staying with her son) 6. I want to make her feel close enough to me to be able to tell me anything without worrying what my reaction might be. 7. I want her to spend more time with me....and look forward to it.
My sitch has actually changed ( for the better) the last 2 days......even though she has an apt now...( I actually helped her move out for a while...and this action ALONE almost cleared out some of my goals already!)
Action for goal #1: This one is currently much easier than when I set the goal...since I had told her to move out in about 4 fights in the past year. But originally, it was to NEVER tell her that again. That would be the action...( or non action..if you prefer). I was simply going to refuse to be drawn that deeply into an argument to the point where we started making each other feel the pain we are feeling at the time.
#2. That's pretty much addressed in the previous action...but the technique I had thought about was to look at the humor in the exchange of words....over what usually amounts to something petty...when one steps back and looks at it. #3 - This is something she nearly solved on her own...last nite. She had admitted to making ME feel like SHE had felt sometimes in her previous R....and now realizes it. ( the inconsideration..etc.) She said she knows that this was a major contributor to my actions/reactions because it's a terrible feeling to live with. Since I now know she understands this...it's much easier to grin at her when she does something that makes me feel unimportant to her...and she grins back....knowing what I meant. Again...we are now looking at the same page, so to speak. She "gets it"...and if she doesnt right away in a future instance...then I'll just wait for her to do so. She will, eventually.
#4. She has now admitted to some of her baggage...and realizes how it affects the dynamics of the R. Now..we BOTH want to go to C....in the interest of dealing with our own respective issues.
#5. Well...I nearly got that one yesterday. She nearly chickened out...and said so. But this has actually been good for us. I helped her move...and we had a grand old time doing it ! She really knew the depth of my love by that one act of kindness. This is why some of her heart's armor fell off. She felt safe enough to share some of her deep secret feelings and fears with me...which led to a better understanding between us. She has moved....but wants to continue as if she lived here until she heals a bit and lets go of the anger inside of her. She has admitted that it's nearly gone now...because of how I treated her during the last few days..by being supportive, no matter how much it hurt me for her to leave. Thus, this goal needs to be changed or eliminated.
#6. Progress has been made. It was made by my taking the high road....helping her move, in addition to my not REACTING to every little thing that might bother me. I also made certain to tell her how much I think of her capabilities....and that a power struggle wasnt necessary. I said that we are both accustomed to being in control of our businesses.....and both are very intelligent. We are on the same team...and no competition exists between us. I made her understand that I think of her as an equal.
#7- Well...if I am not showing any signs of depression....and smile more...and look for the good in things..I would certainly be more fun to be near. I must stay positive. She has already commented on it...said I smile more.
Hm...Maybe some goal adjusting is in order. I'll think about them. BM
Could someone tell me if my goals are too vague please?
Goals
Stop being controlling
a) I will encourage you to go out with your friends once a week
b) I will not grill you on your actions or whereabouts
c) You will reassure me before you leave the house on these nights, by saying how you feel about us.
Stop being jealous
a) I will stop looking for men that are checking you out.
b) I will encourage you in your modelling career and stop worrying that you may inadvertantly be doing porn.
c) You will acknowledge my discomfort with men ogling you once a week, and my positive steps to change its effects on me.
Be more spontaneous
a) I will stop pressuring you to have sex in strange/new places
b) You will at least try one suggestion, once a month.
c) You will plan a date for us by yourself, once a month
Better communication
a) We will set aside 1 hour once a week to talk about our relationship.
b) We will stop using “you” language when we disagree. Instead we will use “I feel” or “I think”.
c) I will consider your side before answering or disagreeing with you.
d) You will acknowledge my feelings, even if you disagree.
Be more loving
a) You will initiate an “I love you” twice a week.
b) I will not criticize you or your decisions
c) You will reply with “I’m lucky to have as well” when someone writes “Rob’s lucky to have you.”, once a month.
Be less clingy
a) I will stop continually trying to hug and kiss you.
b) I will transfer some of that affection to our kids
c) I will be sure to give you space
d) I will stop following you around like a puppy dog. This includes the internet.
Be more respectful
a) I will stop prying into your private affairs
b) I will stop going to the same websites as you
c) You will acknowledge my work/family/life achievements once a month
Begin to rebuild trust
a) I will stop monitoring your conversations with Andrew, and encourage you to return to pm’s with him.
b) You will restart your diary and trust I won’t read it again.
Give her space.
a) Keep contact to a minimum
b) STOP e-mailing her from work when you get lonely
c) Stop trying to talk about the relationship
Make myself happy
a) Stay positive
b) Re-arrange the house instead of sitting here with all her stuff gone and bare spaces where it used to be.
c) When women flirt with me, I will make an attempt to be cordial in return instead of ignoring them.
Any input would be greatly appreciated as I'm a little confused even after reading DB and DR numerous times.
I kicked the crap out of my wife and blamed her for protecting herself by calling the police. Now I am not providing for my two children.
I have just got the DR book and I am really determind to save my marriage and for W to get ride of the OM.
For starter her are my first goals.
1. To be calm and handle situation without getting fruatrated and not to yell....
2. Spend more time with my kids... They are very active and frustarted, I feel they see what going on with W and myself and this is the way they show it.
3. Try to keep good communication with W as a good friend but still giving her space. Also dont show any feeling when she is going out even if I know she is with the OM.
4. Start looking into our finacial sit. and start paying the bill but making sure she understands that she has been doing a great job, just helping out.
Thes are four to start with and I reaaly would like your thoughts if I am heading on the right track. Please speak freely .... Thanks. Flyer
These are great ideas..............they are great things to do.
Let's refine your goals to be the things you want to receive/achieve....what will she be saying, what will she be doing?
For example.....what does good communication with your wife look like and sound like....what is the body language...what are the words....where are you when it is going on.......
Then......list the actions you want to try to achieve these goals (similar to what you have already listed.....but do it AFTER listing what you want to achieve.
great start!!!!!!!!!!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks sgctxok for commenting. I hope I am going to do this right, feel free to slap me in the head if I go off track.
1. To be calm and handle situation without getting fruatrated and not to yell.... W will respond in a better tone of voice and she would talk alittle longer but not long. the kids will be less frustrated but more playfull. when things are calm she responds alot better. I try to start it off with the kids out of the room but I normaly let her lead, she will show alittle smile sometimes.
2. Spend more time with my kids... They are very active and frustarted, I feel they see what going on with W and myself and this is the way they show it. With a calm attitude I try to reason with our children and I do some things with them that they like to do... W seems to notice this alittle and does not comment but complains alittle about them recently. I must show that I love being with them and enjoy doing things with them. W does not spend too much time with them to entertain them as I do but I am hoping to change that.
3. Try to keep good communication with W as a good friend but still giving her space. Also dont show any feeling when she is going out even if I know she is with the OM. When W and I communicate its normaly in the kitchen or family room, sometimes the kids are present. When she initiates the talk I get a better attitude, she is more calm and looks normal with no anger...then she will spend alittle more time talking. the words are never about me unless she wants me to do something.
4. Start looking into our finacial sit. and start paying the bill but making sure she understands that she has been doing a great job, just helping out. This one I have to be carefull how I do things, she may get upset about it. I have started to look at some bills and slowly increasing each time, I started to pay a few as she is. She shows a slightly a better attitude and does not question me why I am doing it. she has lately gives me some bills to take care of and I make sure it gets done, I will just mension to her the status of them and end it. I will start taking on alittle more and especially if their in my name.
I hope I am doing this wright, please guide me if I am wrong. I am still reading DR and find it very usefull.
One question I would like to ask is about the OM. I know who he is and he work with my W, she sneaks out to see him evry night and talks to him on her cell. My question is, do I confront her on this or I should not. I feel alot of times that the longer she is doing this the worse it's going to get. Please guide me on this question, it's the one that is bothering me the most. She does not know that I know their is OM.
Quote: One question I would like to ask is about the OM.
I know who he is and he work with my W, she sneaks out to see him evry night and talks to him on her cell.
My question is, do I confront her on this or I should not.
I feel alot of times that the longer she is doing this the worse it's going to get. Please guide me on this question, it's the one that is bothering me the most. She does not know that I know their is OM.
For this, always refer back to the question, "Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer to my goals, or drive me farther away from them?"
It's usually best to not concentrate on your partner's R with an OP. You can usually make more headway by concentrating on strengthing your R with your partner.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for replying..... That part i dont know what is going to happen but she seems really inlove with OM and she does not even notices me at all. I try to keep the communication going but it's hard when she goes out every night and and see's him and works with him... Any Idea's to help me on the right track james.... Thanks. Flyer
Help. WAW. Married 11 years. Received the "I don't love you; I never loved you," scenario. Reading DR and trying to develop SPECIFIC action goals. Here are some brief thoughts I jotted down. ALL thoughts and HELP are appreciated.
1.) If I hug her; I want her to reciprocate. (NO physical contact for at least 2 months +) Should I ask or just hug her?
2.) Ask for help with children.
3.) When she asks me if I'm ok with her doing or not doing something and I'm not; say no. (Rarely did this. Did not want to rock the boat. Harbored resentment.
These were specific goals I believe I could strive for this week?
Sounds like you are still in denial about the sitch but that is normal. It does hit like a brick and you need to find the will and courage to pull yourself together in order to DB. Find whatever works best, meditation, prayer, shouting alone, crying, etc... once you have gained the inner peace w/it, the pain subsides in your stomach.
Now for the goals...I would say they may be too vast for now.
1 - If she hasn't had contact w/you for 2 mos, she is more than likely not ready for any yet. Think about this, have you hugged her recently and how did she react?
2 - What is the action you are trying to receive? Her to help willingly, her to help without asking, or just some help coz she doesn't do it now? This may be more of a discussion that you need to have regarding the care of the children and who does what.
3 - Sounds like a good one. You do not need to elaborate to her if you don't want to but saying NO will give her an understanding of your emotions.
I would think smaller. For example, if she doesn't generally hug you, is she touching you at all? How could you get some sort of physical contact from her? Could it be for her to touch your shoulder or bruch past you in the hall, etc... smaller will work to bigger.
A female perspective. No, I have not tried to hug her or intiate ANY physical contact. One of the issues her mother mentioned to me was not enough TLC, of course I thought I was loving, hugging, squeezing her hand, etc, but I was thinking about ME, not her, something we clueless men tend to do. She is moving out in Mar, but I want to let her know I still care for her. I was thinking of saying, "I am not looking for a response. I know what you are going through is difficult. I do love you and thought you might like a hug?" Something like that? Children. Sometimes I FEEL like I do all the work; I am the stay at home Dad, so I know I do the lions share and I'm ok with this, but it would be nice if she would pitch in and help with bedtime or baths without me asking, which I have not done. I like her to be involved and I know the children do. Defintely still in denial, trying very, very hard to be strong, supportive for me, but it is difficult. There is no communication except for mandatory items, school, children, schedules, etc. I know time and patience are key, but I feel helpless and hopeless, but I must go on. I do want her in our lives. Any ideas on baby steps?
One of the things I just read in DR, was if your marriage is on shaky ground, or your spouse does NOT want to talk about the M, (where we definitely are), do NOT ask your spouse for anything.
This is very hard. I did it for months before I feel my H even began to acknowledge any of my goals. In short, I work FT, have 3 kids and have been doing everything for them for the past 18 mos. and keeping the house up. H moved out and that was it. Have no choice. He does get them a few days a wk at the house but short from dinner and bath (coz he's there and I'm not) nothing else. Am I tired, YOU BET. It's unconditional love for me and no alternatives. Just wanted you to get a feel for where I am and how it is. But the air is "thinner" and we've started talking. He actually has done a few things that make me feel less stress (small though they are).
I wouldn't talk to her about it. She will know you care coz you are giving her space. Ask her how you plan on dealing w/time for the kids, etc... Baby step would be for her to offer info on this area and not you to give her ideas.
Start acting interested in her day- small things about work or a hobby. She'll still be cold but if it goes well, she will start convos w/you about those things to keep you "in the loop"?? Good luck!
Will she know I care (because I'm giving her space) or giving her "permission" to get out of the R? She says she will come by in the evenings and some mornings to take them to school and have them spend some weekends with her. She has offered ideas; I have not asked. I have asked about work or school (she's in Grad School) in a long time; is this a "safe" issue to ask about, even if I do not get much response? I believe I should set some type of small action goals even if she is not aware of them, because if I continue without purpose or direction, I feel even more helpless. No telling her I still love her and/or offer a hug? Thoughts? Thanks
- To not be tense at all when I talk to him on the phone. - To not slip back into making excuses when we are talking. - To be able to see him without feeling overly emotional.
I've been much better about the not making excuses or trying to rationalize my point of view, but I can still feel myself sliding on that one.
And althought I've been much more pleasant on the phone with him (I can already tell a difference in the last week), I can still sometimes feel myself slide out of the happy, serene, everything-is-okay mentality. I think getting those two completely licked will help even more.
The last one is the hardest for me right now. I am supposed to take him some things that I accidentally packed, but I've been putting it off until I can handle it better.
Thank you for this forum, your work, books, etc. You were recommended by my C. She is terrific. I almost slipped and called her "Michele" last time I was in. She is helping me focus on GOALS and how to evaluate live-in WAW's reactions, responses, behavior, etc.
I have seen an amazing turn around in W's attitude toward me. We talk, she laughs sometimes, no tension between us (drastic contrast to pre-DBing). However, W said last nite that she feels I am playing games by being nice, doing house work (I've always helped her with this area!) and it won't work...she's not changing her mind. She very coldly, matter-of-fact said "If you don't make some decisions as to who moves out, I will do what I have to do". Yikes!
Is this just a progression or, as in your chapters on OP's and MLC's, she has closed the door to R? I know there is an E attachment to a young atty she works/travels with (geesh, am I just naive or what?).
I have mtg w/C (my in-person DB coach) tomorrow nite. She encourages active participation here on the BB.
I thank God for you and your work. You are awesome!!
I am new and I have read Divorce Busting. I feel I am ready to post my goals.
1.Stop pursuit 2. No more ILY 3. Go to bed before H gets home from a night out. 4. Eand all phone conversations and visits first. 6. No talk of R or OW. 7. Upbeat and attractive around him. 8. Spend time with kids only on "My days" 9. Spend time only on me on "his days." 10. Will not be overly available for H. 11. I will become a good responsive listener even when what he says is dufficult. 12. However i will not take to heart confusion on his part. How will I notice improvement in R. 1. H will intitiate a visit. 2. H will innitiate not sexual affection. Small steps but large meanings.
What have I done to work towards these goals?
Last night for the first time I did not call while he was out with his friends. I always do. I went to bed before he got home. When I felt the urge to call I instead called to friends to discuss unrelated topics.
What was the outcome of this 180?
H was very surprised to find me in bed. "Woke" me up to say he was at home. And was overall pretty warm with me. All usual tension was difussed.
How did I feel?
This was very hard to do because I felt the pangs of worry that the OW may have been at the outing. But I did not verbalize this or even ask anything about the night. Was troubling at first but felt powerful too. I was in control of my emotions, not subject to them. I hope i can keep this up!
Thanks for listening. Any feed back is appreciated.
1. Overcome the need to push issues, to contradict H when he is not being provocative or accusatory. 2. Maintain a positive, upbeat, and loving attitude towards him. 3. Remain objective and focused when discussing the R and future with him. 4. Support his needs as much as possible while being sure my own are not compromised. 5. Through example, show H that things can change and improve, and that growth and the ability to say anything are not the same as conflict, hate, and disrespect..they are the foundation of loving another person for a long time.
I am new to the bb and am dealing with a WAW. I have started DR and am somewhat stuck on the goals. My goals started out too broad; save the marriage; get my wife to agree to go to counseling right now my goals are to: 1) Go on a date with my W once a month 2) Compliment W on appearance, what a good mom she is, how hard she is working. My question is: with a WAW should my goals be different? How do I achieve these goals and still give my W space? I am having problems coming up with small goals that I can achieve. I would love to hear of other people -- especially H of WAW of what your goals were and more importantly, what was the outcome?
read all the posts in walk away wife thread, and post in the newcommers thread. Before you do anything, figure what you have done wrong. Also use SBT couselor only.
1. Continue to be strong and become stronger. 2. Always remember that I can't control what she says, does or thinks. 3. Continue to stop snooping. 4. Whe I see baby steps just relax, observe and know I'll see more. 5. Continue to let her do the talking, the calling, the emailing. 6. Keep hope alive. 7. Don't let a bad day get me down. Keep my head up! 8. Know that no matter what happens I will come out of this a better person. 9. Continue to stay positive around her. Show her that I'm doing well no matter what.
Hi EHP! Not a bad start! Just a couple of quick comments on a few of these.
1. Continue to be strong and become stronger.
What are some of the specific ways that you are being strong? That is, what things are you doing that you can give yourself "a pat on the back" about?! What will it look like when you become "stronger"? What things do you see yourself doing then?
7. Don't let a bad day get me down. Keep my head up!
What things do you do that helps you to keep your head up? What is it that you do to keep the bad days from getting you down, that you can keep in mind for when you need them?
Good job! Keep pluggin' away!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hello! How am I being strong? Good question. I pulled a pretty major 180 about 2 weeks ago. Just posted about it on the 180 forum if you want more info. Anyway, I quit doing all the things that push her way - crying, snooping, begging, etc.- and I've kept it up. That took a lot of strength. It looks like it may be working, too. Those changes helped me start focusing on myself again. That will help me become even stronger. I will continue to be more positive an be percieved that way by my wife. she will see the changes.
7. I'm not the most religious person but I have strong beliefs and and have learned to pray during those hard times. I've also started working out - running, eating right and just staying fit. When I'm having a hard time I go running it REALLY helps. I also keep thinking about the goals I've come up with over the last month.
I guess these 2 goals kind of go hand in hand. What I do for #7 gives me strength.
Thanks for taking time to respond! I have a lot of respect for your advice. I could use some more input so If you have time check out in the Do a 180 workshop forum. Experienced 180ers help! Good RESULTS??!!
Mrs. Hopeful, if you're still on these boards, your goals list was very helpful to me.
I am still waiting for the book to come in the mail. However, I can say this:
I feel like a complete idiot at the goal setting things. My goals are contradictory and/or unimplementable, so far.
For example:
1. Do not be the one to initiate R talk.
2. Have a R talk.
Obviously, those two put together mean:
3. Someone have H initiate the talk (I can't have a goal that's for him to do!)
How do you know when the relationship is so fragile that you should stop initiating relationship talk? My H. says he's willing to have such talk, but his behaviors speak volumes otherwise.
Anyway, the Stop Pursuit goal works.
Not being so emotional in his presence is a true goal - sounds unachievable to me right now. (He's a very emotional person, too, and does everything he can to provoke emotional responses from people around him, usually in a good way).
I'll be back later when I have some goals. Any suggestions at all would help. Reading everyone's goals does help.
Ooh, see, I thought of one:
Go on vacation (with H) next week with no expectations and just enjoy what happens. That's a good goal.
WAIT. I need some help here. Anyone?
Here is a goal from WishingWell that totally sums up what I want/need to do, but can't:
Quote: 1. Overcome the need to push issues, to contradict H when he is not being provocative or accusatory.
My H is almost never provocative or accusatory. He brings things up in his sweet simple way because he doesn't know what else to do. I get pushy and want to contradict him anyway.
Example (from today):
H: Are you feeling ---- are you still feeling ---- are you feeling better? (he asks this because yesterday he ascertained that something was bothering me, because he asked if I was feeling "bad" and I said, "I've felt better.")
Me (this is what I actually said) I'm FINE. (I might as well have said, I'm fine, g+ddammit).
He's trying to initiate some kind of R talk, I guess. I'm being evasive and hostile. In other words, he's trying to say he knows something is amiss, and I'm doing everything I can to contradict him because I'm so pissed that he doesn't know what it is, and if I tell him, he'll have a fit and we can't both be off our rockers at the same time, can we?
He's about to come home (from surfing, which he immediately went and did when he saw I wasn't home when he got home from work, because he knows something is odd - usually I'm here and we go to the beach together).
He'll say, "How are you, my baby?"
And, frankly, I'll want to spit in his face. Okay, maybe that's a bit strong, but it's been 5 days of me moping and avoiding him (a total 180) and he doesn't seem to even notice, beyond casual inquiry.
I'll say: "Fine, babe."
I will be lying (although I'm in no danger of dying or anything - so aren't I fine in some sense?)
HELP. I can't make it a goal to be totally truthful with him, he'd freak.
I'm new to DB, My situation is described in the thread below. Here are my initial goals that I'd like feedback on if you would: 1) W and I will become friends: - be trustworthy - by always telling her the truth, no more hesitations/hiding, being genuine. - lightening of mood/weight of importance of our interactions. - be better listener/focuser on her: listen, understand, validate, & respond. 2) I will stay in consistent 180: -stop pursuit behavior - project positive stance about life (including “as if” stance with W). 3) I will enhance self-care/get a life: - improve physical health: maintain weight loss (lost 15 lbs!), add muscle through weightraining 2x/week, run for fun 2-3x/wk. - Increase friendships - Pursue guitar again. 4) I will decrease our financial strain. - Obtain license & work extra job to increase income. - Focus on paying off credit cards. - Allow W to get a realistic view of going it alone financially by not trying to rescue without a communication (although I will still pay mortgage). 5) I will maintain solid fathering - Overnights 1x/wk, Weekends 2x/mo, M-Thur outings 2x/wk - Provide her a break when she asks so that she can develop self.
Goals.
1. Lose weight.
2. Take a class or find another activity that gets me out.
3. No backsliding
4. Will not involve kids our problems
5. Be her best friend.
..When with W will not talk R
..Try to stay happy and light in conversation.
..Give W full attention, make eye contact if in person.
..Let W know her wants and needs are important to me.
6. Learn to flirt.
7. W will invite me over to visit at her new place
8. We will go out on a date.
Last edited by pegasus; 01/06/0510:26 PM.
Cool link-->DANCING ALIEN Read and relate-->MY THOUGHTS
Here are some of my short term goals. 1. Be more financially secure. a. picking up some overtime at work. b. try to save money instead of spend on frivious things. 2. Working on being a better parent. a. spending more time with them. 3. Keep the house clean and inviting. 4. Wear make up even if I am only going to the store. 5. Spend some time by myself-without kids. 6. Become a Register nurse. (this is more a long term goal). 7. No more fighting with Hubby. 8. Stop defending myself. 9. Be my hubby's best-friend again. a. listening to what he is saying. b. validate his feelings. c. be there if he needs me. 10. And have hubby home by MAY!!!!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
-Philo
Accept that even though I did not actually physically cheat on him, what I did can be considered cheating because I did do it behind his back and out of anger.
Lose weight
Not be whiny
Stop bringing up his faults. The past is the past.
I sure feel that I want to work on myself not just because of my wife. My wife's action is the hardest kick in the butt. However, my wife feels she doesn't have it for me any longer and views any change that I exhibit with suspicion and anger. While she says that I can just be myself and it is she who doesnt want it that way and so wants an out, I see that she will appreciate it if I were to be different than what I am now. This is something she doesnt quite want to face. How do I handle this part of it? Here are the goals I have set for myself: 1. Communicate Communicate Communicate: - Talk to W abt work/goal/aspirations and actions taken towards that (she is mighty irritated abt me sittin on stuff and not doin anything abt it and frankly I am too) - Be spontaneous in thoughts and actions - Talk abt interest and future plans While I have started doing the above things it HURTS when she says that while these things are fine why only now and that it may not change the way she feels. A small fear I have here is that I feel if I start being true to all I say and start being successful in my actions she may see that as an oppprtunity to get away!
2. Develop personal interests and self: - Work out in the evening - Making firends through a new orgn and gym - GOing out with friends - Form a good band of friends - Maintain a more cordial and outgoing relationship with existing acquaintances - Develop hobby - martial arts, mountain climbing, swimming
1. BABY steps and PATIENCE. This is hard for me. 2. Zero pursuit behavior 3. lovingly detach- it is hard to detach and to keep loving. 4. stop the thoughts and worry about that which I can't control- drop and give me 20 method. 5. eat. I had to go buy new clothes I lost so much weight. Cannot believe it. My jeans are a size 2! I was between 7-9. I will eat at least 2 times a day. 6. email contact with hubby goes ok. Each face to face contact has gone BAD. His tone and his comments hurt my feelings and I get weepy. I interject too much. Have face to face with him. Look good. Feel happy. NO ILY. Listen. Validate. Do not mention my feelings, thoughts,etc. Do not ask for anything. No R talk. 7. GAL and PMA kind of go together. Begin re-establishing my life. New job and place to live. Rekindle old friendships. Take dancing lessons and Yoga. 8. Learn to not stress and have anxiety. Keep myself calm. Still learning what methods are effective here. 9. H will decide to separate from OW and me. To keep promise to get counseling. To only be "open to possibilities" and to not do more damage. Yes, this is out of my control. Other than I can plant those seeds of doubt and hope he will choose this. DBing all the way for this!
H and I are meeting tomorrow to discuss an offer on the house. Goals for meeting: 1. be cute and in a good mood 2. end it b4 he does- I have plans afterwards so this works to my advantage 3. ask nothing of him- no demands, no pressure 4. no R talk, no ILU 5. listen and validate 6. do not ask if he plans to continue to live with her, stay here or go back to to YS. Act as if it makes no difference. I have my own life and my own plans right now.
check for each goal listed for meeting with H. Response- he said he wanted counseling. He mentioned he did not want to live with OW HE asked ME for a hug. Go me!
Next goals: Do not email him unless I have to for an offer on the house. If he emails me...don't even check my email for a few days. Make him wait. Enjoy each day for myself. Read Men are from mars, women are from venus. Re-read DB techniques. Continue my method for stopping the thoughts. Continue to do no more harm. Patience, patience, patience. keep GAL and PMA continue to lovingly detach. Try to go for a few days without even thinking about this. Just enjoy the day.
Hi, my name is Ann, I'm new here. This is the only place I could find to post.. sorry I'll illiterate at this. I think I'm doing it wrong. Will make this short.. Hubby left on March 8th(me and our 3 kids).. just started taking them for his weekends as I had to file for divorce on March 31st to try and get some money from him as he left and wasn't speaking to me or giving me money for bills or food(still no child support yet). He has taken the kids twice now, and last Saturday(the 21st May) he did actually talk to me, and "other things" went on, even though he said no, he didn't stop me. He is seeing another woman, although he denies it(this is per his family telling me) and I suspect he may be using cocaine(the girl he is seeing is for sure). I still want him back, the kids want him back but right now he says he has made up his mind, and he doesn't love me anymore, and he wants a divorce. I have not handled things too well up til now.. and I tried giving him the book, the Divorce Remedy last week but he would not take it.(nor did he take the card or gift I bought him) I feel like getting his prescription of Viagra filled tomorrow so he will not have it for HER, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not? Please anyone who can email me I'd really appreciate it.. I will try to find my way back here but not sure I'll be able to.. my email is Annibelle71@aol.com. Thanks everyone
Ann, I am sorry you are going through this right now. My suggestion to you is this: Do not ask anything of him right now. Re-read DB and start with the basics. I know it is not easy. Don't give him reasons to justify why he feels angry. I know you are hurting. Dont let your emotions control what you do or say. Get strong enough to control your emotions and then think through a good plan of what you should do. Read the newcomers thread. If you can, call and schedule a phone session with one of the counselors here. Ask for help from those you love, but don't ask for advice. You can't make good decisions right now when you are in such a spot. By beginning the DBing techniques, you will find yourself more able to take care of yourself and your kids and be more able to start making choices. I wish you lots of luck.
One GAL goal that is going great- dancing lessons. Was nervous I would feel stupid and awkward, but everyone in the beginning classes do so it is no big deal. Meeting very very nice quality people who have positive things going on in their life. I find I absolutely love the latin dancing- learned salsa and merengue tonight and it was great. Also felt like the hot chick in the group, and received quite a bit of male attention, including from the handsome latin instructor, which was a nice boost to my esteem. Meeting all these nice men actually makes me think...well maybe I don't really need you, ya loser. Not only am I looking good, but I am pretty intelligent- was working in a molecular diagnostic lab extracting, purifying and testing DNA. So I am at least average intelligence, at least average looking and I am fun and like to do things. I have got to keep up these dancing lessons. Make me feel so much better about myself. Let H be my only social life before...gave his opinion of me way too much control. Next hobby I plan to pursue- rock climbing. My best friend has a buddy who is an instructor and he offered to hook me up with lessons. So, so far in GAL...which def. helps with PMA... lost weight and looking good new wardrobe new haircut and highlights manicure and pedicure contacted old college friends- one is bringing me back a gift from Kenya, his home dancing Next...rock climbing, new home, new job, meeting with old childhood friends.
Thanks for the reply.. took me forever to find where I posted at again! Any advise on getting his Viagra filled? We also have our house for sell, and it is in foreclosure now because he has not paid a payment since Feb. His mind seems SO made up I just feel like I'm fighting for something that is unlikely to happen. I keep praying but nothing is happening. I only see him every other weekend when he is picking up the kids(he actually waited 3 weekends from his first visit), so we'll see if he comes next weekend or not. He has not attended one school function since he left.. or any of the kids soccer/baseball games.. he has not once called them to came to visit.. just the 2 times now when he took them. He does not even want to step foot in our house.. he acts like he'll get the plague or something(although I did talk him into it last weekend) He still says he wants a divorce and nothing is changing his mind. I just don't know what to do anymore.. and I feel like I don't see him often enough for anything I do to make a difference. Any advise is needed.. thanks!
Now things are tricky. I need to tread very very carefully. I was a bit risky in telling H that the door was still open, but not if he was living with OW. I do think this may pay off, if I can be PATIENT. I must be so careful here not to blow it. Yikes. I am a bit nervous now. I am really good at following through once I have a goal set. Not sure what to make my goal now. I need to carefully think about it so I don't make goals too loafty and become pushy. If any are interested, my sitch is in the "I may have started DBing too late" I would welcome advice here, I need to take baby steps. What should my goal for our next meeting be? Should it be solely to enjoy eachother's company? That is where I am leaning.
May be meeting with H today. Goals today: be happy and relaxed no R talk, be a little more aloof than I was last time listen and validate if the timing arises, say "I want to thank you for the separation. It was a shock to me at first, however I realize now how happy I am to have this chance for personal growth and to re-evaluate my life" Tell him that I will not be returning to the house, so if he could please water the plants once a week, that would be great (also gives him a clue that there are other places he can live besides at OW's- he claims he doesn't have anywhere else to go- this is just his BS excuse though) Do not bring up his living arrgmt or OW even though I want to tell him- you don't move out, the door is closing. I will keep my trap shut on this. During my next session with Michelle, I will tell her where I feel I stand on this. Maybe she will discuss it with him. I will not. I am goal oriented, so I can do this!
Baby Steps-within the next week or two 1.He will initiate conversations on the computer or the phone. 2.He will come visit me or us. 3.He will be positive toward us. 4.He will hug or kiss us. 5.He will compliment our changes in attitude/house.
Bigger Steps-Farther in the future 1.He will want to do family outings (like watch a movie/Morrison Lake). 2.He will want to spend the night again. 3.He will talk about the future with us as a family.
do not freak out. a set-back does not mean the end. do not take anything personal. H is so confused and conflicted. PMA- only smiles and cheerful VALIDATE- this means acknowledge his view. Dont take it personal, dont interpret. Acknowledge his feelings and view. Show him I am still the girl he fell in love with. Show him that change is very possible. Make him feel safe with me. Give him space. Let him know I am ok with that. Keep up the curiosity. Consider going dark. Screw up may require that. Keep strong. Keep faith. Love myself and know that I am worth being loved. Try not to give up. I can be patient. I can.
H is letting me borrow his truck tomorrow while he is at work to take care of some business things. Goals: Upbeat and cute NO R talk NO ILY Validate Admire, appreciate Recreational companionship Build safe and trusting friendship Set MC appt together (his request)
Today's goals...going to be a struggle because I am angry. 1. be happy and bubbly 2. make it short 3. set some boundaries...I am going to say that I am hurt that H told me he would limit contact with OW to group activities outside her home and the very next day he was there. I will say that I am sad that he has chosen to disregard what he told me and that I had really thought we had a good conversation and understanding. I will say that I believe he is continuing an EA and that I have my boundaries and feel that I do not need to accept lies. I will tell him that he had agreed to be completely honest and that I believed him. I will say that if he is going back on his word here, it is difficult to believe he is not going back on his word elsewhere. I will say that I have to take what you say with a grain of salt because so far they have only been words. 4. No matter the response I will remain calm. I will not attack. I will not take it personal. I will get out of here and say I have some plans and be happy no matter what the liar says. LIAR LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!
Hi Michelle, I'm new as of yesterday, 08/13/05. My W left me only a month ago and I see from this forum that I have been doing all the wrong things. If you look at my posts you will see that I want to save my marriage but all seems hopeless. She responed in an e-mail that she was Done.
I ordered the DR and DB'ing books last night, I hope they arrive quickly before I drive myself crazy.
My W has made it so I cannot contact her or know where she is. She replied to about 3 of the many e-mails that I sent to her work.
So here are my goals for now. 1) Stop trying to contact W. 2) Read and understand the books when they arrive. 3) Put the methods to work immediately. 4) Try very hard to get back into my work. 5) Realize that I can't control this sitch and accept it. (That's going to be real tough). 6) Wait.
I'd like to have my W back dearly and for our marriage to work. I guess that is about all I think I can do at this point.
I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different.
My Sitch
1. My ex will be comfortable around me. I will know this because there will be an absence of "Don't fall back in love with me" and "I'm really glad that we're friends" kind of comments thrown into our conversations.
2. I will be confident within myself. I will know I am when I am more willing to take good risks for me - good conversations, trying lots of new things and when I'm happy with whatever outfit I choose.
3. I will get a life. I will know I have when I am desperately struggling to find time to be at home and chill out.
And I'll come back and look at these goals often... just to stay on track.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
For my wife: 1- I will complement her dircetly. (I have an tendency to assume that she has the praise already) 2- I will clean up the house more to relieve some of her stress. 3- I will stop trying to ask her about our marriage constantly. 4- I will be more positive and continue to go to the gym and look good for myself. 5- I will accept the criticism and be an active listener. 6- I will stop trying to analyze every situation and try to find an answer. I will let her find her own solutions. 7- I will stop telling her that I love her so that she is not constantly reminded about the feelings that she can not reciprocate. 8- I will stop looking at her cellphone. 9- I will spend more quality time with my children. They are feeling the stress and it is only hindering. 10- I will not give up.
I will start small 1. I will not contact H 2. When I do talk to him, I will not talk about R 3. I will get emotionally stable enough to bring D6 home with me instead of at her Grandparents.
Dear Michele and everybody, Please I need your advice. I and my wife have separated a month ago. My short term goals are 1) My wife stops talking about divorce, 2) We do not fight, 3) My wife becomes more “physical”. I am trying to achieve this through the ‘last resort” strategy (not annoying my wife with my presence, not asking her of anything, and staying cool and friendly), but she works next door and I see her quite often. Besides we have 2 years old daughter and I come every day for at least 30 min to play with her. Should I schedule day or two a week when I am not coming? I love my daughter, and enjoy playing with her, but I afraid that if my wife sees me so often even “last resort” may not work. What is your opinion? Thank you Art P.S. Is it OK to offer small favours like clean her appartment, tank the car, or do for her shopping???
Hope someone can help. I have been looking for a series of postings entitled "Michele and Joanne." I ran across this a couple of months ago, and found it very helpful in giving examples of how to work through devising a set of goals, but have been unable to find it! I see several references to it, but when I click on the link to the thread, I get led back to the main forum page. Any suggestions?
Thought I'd revive this since nobody has posted since 2012
I'm going to attempt this...I welcome advice.
I'm into month four of MLC but he has been in it for at least two years prior to actually moving out.
1. Try and not contact him for anything.
2. Really focus on my house, cleaning and maintenance
3. When he contacts me, STAY detached. Think of him as one of those friends that are needy. Be respectful, keep to boundaries and listen. Let him lead any conversation.
4. Do NOT allow him to bait me into anything! Do NOT allow him to emotionally blackmail me.
How to # 1. Stay busy, come here, dance classes, homework, school, spend time with daughters...
How to # 2. Make a cleaning schedule...STICK to it! List what needs to be accomplished and make a check list
How to # 3. Do not answer the phone when NOT calm, and relaxed. I do not have to respond, I can wait and think things through. I do not have to respond to emails, wait a couple of days , let things sink in or see them for what they are
How to #4 I cannot be baited if I do not allow him . Keep distance. Think to myself, if he were not your spouse, would you really want this guy as a friend? At present...NOOOO WAAAAY!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Why I'm Not His Friend And Why I don't Want To Be His
When I think about friends that I have, I think about what the friendships are like.
Many are based on activities or tastes we share, others are based on like mindedness such as politics, child rearing , or hobbies/sports.
Why some are fulfilling and others not so much. Respect, intelligence, admiration, and companionship. Selfishness, competitiveness with material things, and them wanting something from me that I don't want to give.
Why I would not choose my H. as a friend. He is selfish, examples...makes plans with people and then blows them off for something else HE would rather do. Uses his friends, borrows money, wants to use their connections ( perhaps this is a man thing, but I find it distasteful ) , needs to be constantly admired for material things.
He can be a bit of a bully and is competitive in areas I choose not to be. Has got to be up one on stories, or situations.
As a spouse, I like his family loyalty, his generosity of wealth and knowledge. He is patient, and generally kind. He is a pretty good provider. Where he is considerate in the little things, he is inconsiderate in the big things. He can be humorous and loving. He has some real insecurities and rather than discuss feelings he holds them in. He is not very passionate when it comes to LM. He is not creative, nor innovative. He is not willing to step out of his comfort zone. He is human.
By looking at him from a distance it helps me to detach. I'm not desiring of the old marriage. I really have allowed myself to just go with the flow, not push for more, settle for the day to day. Why? Because I tend to make the best of a situation. If he is not home, I always had interests , many many things peak my curiosity. So I just kept busy.
What makes this different? He was always gone, emotionally absent and even physically absent. So Me, WHAT is SO different?
NOTHING other than knowing it isn't a business trip, sport, or out with guys...
Has he brought up D.? NO! What is the worst that can happen?
He files for D.,I lose the house, can't find a place to live because I have several animals. Our family is forever fractured.
What is the best that can happen? He figures things out, and is ready to engage in a new marriage with us. One where we respect each other and try to meet each other's needs. All of them? NO! That's impossible. Passion, travel, compliments, and yes even a no occasion gift now and then! I get the opportunity to be a better spouse, meet more of his needs...after he decides to be specific! Ha! I actually help him meet mine by doing the same!
Where are we really? He is staying in a apt. of a friend foc. I'm in house. No filing, no other people coming between us ( to date). We have been apart four months with no direction or sign of any plan/future/ . LIMBO So I guess things could be worse as much as they could be better.
What I can do? Enjoy not having to decide what to do for dinner. Not pick up everything and tidy up. Run around the house or yard naked if I want! See any movie, and go where ever I want to dinner when ever I want. Not have to tell anyone where I am or what I'm doing.
I think I'll find a place to skinny dip before the weather turns cold!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
HI amb.... Just to note that the "baited" is related to being pulled into his spew/arguement/disagreement. I have failed at this many many times, I have finally gotten the hang of it. Good luck to you on this one!! It wasn't easy. But, I have arrived.
A few back up statements for your back pocket:
1) Seems like this isnt a good time for us to discuss this. Can we talk about it later when we have calmed down?
2) YOu know what? lets talke about this later. I was in the middle of something that I need to finish up.
3) I'd be happy to talk when we are in a better place (if in public).
Hugs, Magic!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Generally when he baits me, it is in writing. The last go 'round was him venting his perception of a disagreement of an incident.
He will button push on the phone..."your relationship with D1 is like your relationship with your mother...
You are getting into Swing like your mom got into square dan.
He knows how I feel about my parents. Came from abusive relationship, and took charge of it years ago.
My relationship with my oldest is NOTHING like what I didn't have with my mom. I gave more to my girl's than my parent's ever considered giving to children. I was present, and I was neither physically abusive nor did I emotionally blackmail my kids. I was involved, supportive, and loving.
I loved and love unconditionally! My oldest has had more issues, high IQ, OCD, depression, no executive functioning skills, obesity, yadda yadda yadda. I gave so much, private school, coached, lead, home schooled, etc.etc. I had burned myself out. My parent's on the other hand would tell you they were selfish, and put themselves before any of us.
Sooo when H. button pushes in that realm, he is truly trying to hurt me/lash out. He is doing this because he is hurting and doesn't like seeing me move forward. He probably has guilt over not being there except for b-days and holidays. I get it, and yes it IS very difficult not to want to smack him down one.
I could so easily lash out how he left us just like his dad left his family, or he is going through MLC just like his dad, is he going to get married three more times too? Or , at least I'm not your mother and have no intention of poisoning girls against you! Oh it could get nasty, but I bite my tongue and desperately try not to do that. I would just be stooping to his behavior and allowing him to see the hurt. NOT gonna do it. It is so juvenile, very late adolescence.
Tell me Magic, how are things going with you? Your signature says lipservice, is it or is he ping ponging from tunnel to field? Is he prairie dogging?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
???? Let's see....
I love this! Got me to thinking about new goals!
What will it look like when you become "stronger"? What things do you see yourself doing then? 
