"I had a DB consultation today. What a great way to spend the money. Laurie was the best and did everything I needed from a counsellor! Talk about a PMA boost! I'm even more focused on making this work!"
To schedule a telephone consultation with Laurie, or any of the DB Coaches, call 815-337-8000 or 800-664-2435.
I am a recent recruit in the last four months to DB, but I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge the efforts of the entire DB team. Over the last few months I have read every book written by you, attended the KLA seminar in March, and been a huge "loiterer" on the DB BB.
I scheduled an appointment with a DB coach and was given the appropriate information to speak with Laurie yesterday. Laurie was very upbeat, cheerful, attentive and provided a tremendous boost of PMA for me. She pretty much affirmed that I am following the fundamental DB principles successfully and she also raised a few points that I had not thought about and promised to contemplate and act upon. And most of all CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! We talked at length about the frustration level I am experiencing since I am an impatient person by nature. Laurie honestly stated the frustration will probably get worse before it gets better and to adjust my expectations and look for those baby steps and improvements and instead of seeking the grandiose gesture.
In her coaching, Laurie used her bright personality and insight to re-focus me on goal oriented approaches and I believe she helped position me so that there is the best possible change of success for the outcome of my marriage. She was able to balance my perspective as well as what my husband may be going through. I learned to look at a couple of situations through a "different set of eyes." She compassionately told me things I could be doing differently and provided some suggestions for retooling current efforts. She has a great sense of humor and we laughed several times throughout the consult. Especially in tense marital conflict it is hard to find someone who can balance the the anger, hurt, despair with the powerful tool of laughter. I felt much inspired and dedicated to DB efforts after our conversation. I look forward to speaking with her again the near future.
Thank you and all the others in your organization for providing a service that helps us all to stand up for and preserve the sanctity marriage.
I had my first consultation with Laurie two weeks ago. She was non-judgmental, helpful, caring and encouraging (that last one was really welcome as I haven't been getting much encouragement lately). I appreciated the way she was able to quickly help me put things in perspective concerning my present relationship with my wife, and then offer specifics strategies for responding in a way to improve the situation.
It is obvious that Laurie has a lot of skill, training, talent and empathy. At this juncture positive results in our relationship have been difficult to create, and my wife is still emphatic that she no longer has feelings for me and wants a divorce ("WalkAway Wife Syndrome"). However, the few "glimmers of hope" that have emerged over the past two weeks have been directly attributable to Laurie's advice and counsel. I am eagerly looking forward to our second consultation tomorrow morning.
I am simultaneously reading "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy." These materials are excellent, but I have been particularly impressed by the tape series entitled "The Marriage Breakthrough." The things I am learning,both through Laurie's counsel and the tape series, include the following:
1. The roots of our relationship problems are very common, and they don't necessarily result from my foolishness or insensitivity, but rather from my lack of tools and strategies for maintaining and nurturing our relationship.
2. I am not alone. Indeed, the difficulties I am experiencing are so prevalent that highly educated people have made it their lifes' work to develop remedial strategies, and then test/refine those strategies. This knowledge is helping me to "de-personalize" some of the criticism I am receiving from my wife. Not taking things personally is helping me respond in a more clear-headed manner. (As opposed to becoming defensive and aggravating the situation--which has been my pattern previous to this point.)
3. I can change, and we can have a better relationship! That is so liberating when you are being told "you can't/won't change, and even if you do it will be too late for us." Maybe it will be too late, but instead of fearing that outcome and doing little or nothing to prevent it, I have developed a formula that I think can succeed: "The desire to improve and create lasting/positive change in me and my relationship with my wife + Supporting tools and strategies = Potential for a true solution."
4. Re-connection with my wife, and restoration of our relationship is possible, though not guaranteed. But at a minimum, the things I am learning can help prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future.
5. Others, in similarly desperate situations, have beaten the odds and re-connected. Many of the "failures" have been largely ignorant of the principles that I am learning. Holding on to that truth has helped me face the future with more confidence.
Now, this may not be the best idea, and I didn't get the idea from Laurie, but I have had opportunities over the past two weeks to share some of these things with my wife. I can tell that she is favorably impressed. Last night we had a very positive conversation on "communication and gender differences," after which she said she wants to watch the tape series! Now, she was clear that she wants to watch it alone (which I agree is best), but for the past several months she has avoided counsel from any source that she thought might invalidate her divorce decision. I am hoping she will follow-though and watch the tapes because I believe they could help her as much as they have helped me.
Thanks Michele for pioneering this research, and for developing the platform for its dissemination. And, thanks again to Laurie...I'll talk to you tomorrow morning!
"This morning, I went to see a highly reputable family attorney in New York City to better explore my rights if my wife pursues a divorce. The attorney has 35 years of experience and charges $400 per hour--very reasonable for his experience in NY. Part of our discussion concerned my hope for reconciliation and the steps/advice I was taking per Divorce Busting and my DB Coach Laurie. While I never mentioned Divorce Busting specifically, the attorney remarked that whoever was advising me was giving me tremendous advice and probably represented my best hope for saving the marriage. I guess you can take that as an endorsement."
"I called for a telephone consultation with a DB Coach because I needed to talk to somebody and feel safe about it. No one in my family knows what I'm going through. Laurie was wonderful. It was so nice to have her really listen to me and to hear her encourage me to save my marriage. She helped me set some goals and make a plan to achieve them."
Quote: I had just one telephone consult with you, but wanted you to know that I am 90% there. H is back emotionally and committed to working on our M. It's all because of DBing and my wonderful, productive tele meeting with you.
Thank you, Laurie, I just didn't feel right not thanking you and I didn't know how else to get this msg to you. Hope you are online soon and see it.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
As the heading indicates, me and my wife are getting back together, her words even. She actually said,'So and so said they are so happy we are getting back together!'. I was doughtful often as to the outcome of our situation, but at this time I must say that the outlook is as good as I can ever remember. The books say in different was that if you make it to the other side of one of these sitch’s intact that the R will more than likely be better than it has ever been. This is yet to be seen, but has all the tell tail signs of being true.
Marriage has to be one of the hardest things in the world, in that it is so much easier just to walk away from than it is to stand and fight for. That’s what I believe that all this comes down to, the fight is not fun, pretty, or fair, and I guess if my marriage and family were not as important to me as they are, I might not have had the strength to get to here and to go on through the rebuilding that faces me. All of those out there still in the trenches of the battle, weather you feel you are making progress or are getting beaten, fight the good fight, because as we’ve all read if at the end, no matter the outcome, you’ve done all you can, you will be the better person for it, and will have no self regrets.
I’m counting myself very lucky at this point, because my sitch could have very easily gone the other direction. I have a few things to thank for where I am at this point. First and foremost is God, for showing me humility and leading me closer to him, so I could have the strength to do what I needed to do. Prayer is a powerful thing. I’ve learned this through the trials of the last eight months, and am a much better person for it. Don’t knock prayer until you’ve tried it, there is always one that will listen to your needs. Divorce Remedy comes in second place for without it I wouldn’t know the rules to this twisted game, and never would have had a chance. It along with this BB guided me not only into doing things that helped my R, but more often than not, stopped me from doing the things I was doing to sabotage it. I often said, ‘I’m my own worst enemy’. I don’t post often, but I read a lot. I got some of my best advice from reading what others had on their threads. I would like to thank everyone her for their stories, but a few people need special thanks, so thanks Nicole, Chris100s, and Renegade. You guy’s made time for me and answered many times when I really needed you, so THANKS.
I’m not a huge fan of advertising, unless the product had a significant result for me. So it takes a lot for me to do this, the phone consultation I had with coach Laurie helped, and helped a lot. Not just our initial conversation but her ongoing updates on my thread told me I had someone in my corner. If you can swing the fee, than I recommend it, even if all you can do is one time, that’s all I did, and it did help a bunch.
I’m not going into to many details of the big turn around in our R, because I’m still reeling a little bit from it. But I am still going to continue to post when significance happens, and when I continue to need advice. Seems there is still a million ways to screw up, but at least I’m not hanging out over a cliff anymore.
I hope this finds you all in a happy place, and that you’ve had the opportunity to smile today.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I just had my first DB coaching session with Laurie this morning. I want to process it all here, so this should be VERY LONG....
My goal for the session was to find out what I can ask H for during his Thanksgiving visit (in 9 days -did I say I was going to stop counting?).
The things I want to ask H for are (in order of importance): *an indication of if he sees us living together again after he transfers in 20 months. *to spend 2 or 3 days alone together during his visit. *to call me 1X a week after his visit. *to replace my wedding ring which was lost when I moved with H to Alaska. (this one was scrapped to keep my list shorter)
I came out of the session with the following plan: *Set the tone at the beginning of H's visit with with flyby words of affirmation and work myself up to one or two fuller compliments/thanks if I can. *Use "One-downmanship" to ask for what I want. I LOVE THIS ONE *Match H's tone instead of taking the encouragement tack.
Basically, Laurie helped me explore what has already been working and getting results from H and expanded on that. I've had great success giving H the words of affirmation via email, thanking him and complimenting him on little things. I have always been impressed with H's ability to compliment me (note to self-tell H this!). Once I figured out that I need to compliment him too (DUH ), I started adding little compliments/thanks in my emails. And he just got more and more affectionate in his messages. But I'm afraid to reciprocate over the phone or in person for some reason. I guess I feel like I'm making myself too vulnerable or something. But after I described my H to Laurie, she said that because he's a words of affirmation guy and also very sensitive and fatalistic, it's obvious that my lack of words deepened his fatalistic thinking and even looked critical to him. So it makes sense that the words of affirmation I've been sending him via email for the last 6 months have had such a positive impact.
Laurie said that since I'm trying to get more comfortable giving words in person, I should take the pressure off myself by doing "fly-bys." Quick, off-handed comments that don't require a response, or even me to stay in the room. Then I can work up to something more if it feels right. So, I am making a list of possible compliments/thanks and turning them into quick comments. It's so dorky that I have to be so contrived. But, I know I'll get better.
Hopefully, this will set the stage so I can start asking for what I want. Now...how do you ask without looking like your asking...
This is my favorite. A new term that Laurie introduced me to... ONE-DOWNMANSHIP . I had already noticed that when I sort up put myself down to H and say things like "I don't think I can do it, I'm not gonna be good enough," H has been coming back with "Yes you can. You're great!" A few months ago I wrote him about an open mic I wanted to perform at, but was too scared too, he told me to do it and that my writing was getting better and better... I've never heard H say those words to me, ever!
It occured to me that when our R was antagonistic I absolutely did not want to appear vulnerable infront of H. I armored myself up. I had to be my own cheerleader. What else was I going to do? Crumble? Did he think I'd lay down and die? (oh, stop me) Anyway, it left H no room to be MY savior. I was acting like a pillar, so he didn't see any way to help. And since he wasn't getting words of affirmation, he felt criticized by someone who thought she was perfet. So, he wanted to pull me down. And so I had to pull myself up...etc, etc.
But one-downmanship doesn't have to be putting myself down. It's really just opening up and letting him in on my insecurities-and god knows I have them. And I noticed that when I asked for advice, especially after voicing my insecurities, he becomes more supportive than ever. A couple months I asked him about whether or not I should apply for a certain job this way. H came back with a very thoughtful response advising me to do exactly what I had already figured was the best move but basically said I'll support you whatever your decision is. More words I have never heard from him before!
So...I am going to ask for what I want using one-downmanship. I haven't figured out exactly how yet, but I'll have it down before H's visit. Asking for 2 to 3 days alone during his visit is the easiest to figure out (although the least likely to happen in my mind). I can say that I'm scared about being on the spot infront of family, and does he think it would be rude if we spent a couple days alone? About calling me once a week, Laurie suggested I say something like, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I get so lonely every Friday night, I just wish I had someone to talk to sometimes. I don't know what to do about it." The living together thing is harder. I'm going to have to think on it more.
The last point I got out of the session is that I need to match H's tone instead of taking the positive/encouraging tack with him. This has been our history...He says he/we can't do it, it's not possible. I say yes you/we can, you have great skills, we can work it out, etc. He gets more adamant that nothing is possible. I get more admant that it is...I get exhausted and give up. This goes for any subject.
Soooo....If I ask him for one of my goals and he responds with pessimism, I need to match his tone. If he says he doesn't seem to want to leave the comfort zone of his parents house to spend time alone, I have to validate that he just wants to relax during his hard earned leave. If he says he doesn't know if we will ever be able to live together well, I'll just say, "I worry about how hard it could be too..." I will resist the urge to say, "but I know we can figure it out..." I will resist the urge to try to pull him out of his state of pessimism.
What I need to remember is that I CAN BOTH match his tone and not be positive and encouraging when he is not, AND STILL give him thanks and compliments. It required me to think a little, and not get into an all-or-nothing way of thinking.
Anyway...I'm all fizzled out right now. I know there was more. But my brain is fried. I'm sure I'll be back on very soon trying out some one-downmanship lines and building a fly-by compliment list.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I had a great conversation with Laurie this morning. I encourage you all who haven't yet decided to make that step to call for coaching - to just do it - you won't regret it.
But i wanted to share one really useful nugget she told me - so here it is.
She warned me to expect a backlash with my W if we had a nice time, or an intimate moment. For example, If my W and I have a tender cuddling moment or even make love - its very possible that the next day she will tell me "I don't want you to think that meant anything. It doesn't mean that I am not thinking/planning on leaving you." Your S will say this because they're scared and confused about their own feelings and they don't want to lie to you.
Laurie said its very important to watch for that backlash and its even more important how you react to it. Say something like "I know, I just enjoyed the moment." The worse thing you can do it react negatively.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you all of this because I would not have thought about it and I would have gotten hurt by it. Now that I know what can happen, I'm prepared.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Dear Matt, I am so glad that our session was helpful to you!
Also, I always appreciate understanding what my clients find the most helpful, as that aids in my continuing to help others.
You have a great handle on DB'g and you have my (and if you noticed - JamesJohn) support.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
-did I say I was going to stop counting?). 
), I started adding little compliments/thanks in my emails. And he just got more and more affectionate in his messages. But I'm afraid to reciprocate over the phone or in person for some reason. I guess I feel like I'm making myself too vulnerable or something. But after I described my H to Laurie, she said that because he's a words of affirmation guy and also very sensitive and fatalistic, it's obvious that my lack of words deepened his fatalistic thinking and even looked critical to him. So it makes sense that the words of affirmation I've been sending him via email for the last 6 months have had such a positive impact. 