I'm sooo anxious to share our progress the last 2 days....H wants to work on "US"!!!!! Whew!!!!
Could one of you list my past posts to connect my story? (Not at all skilled at that! )
H came out Fri night after work....called to coordinate time and dinner plans. My Mom is here too, until Tue...so she is always part of the plan.
H was actually about 15 min. early....dinner was "take-out"...and he was totally happy to be included. We had a nice evening....H was kind, warm....come gentle affection.
Sat. a.m.....we woke up early, had coffee...and he suggested we talk. I asked that we NOT ASSume anything about each other....and share where we each are at, at the moment....this slice of time. H said, good idea....he was ready to "talk" (I initiated carefully, and he seemed to like that....180 for me)
H shared where he was at and said many things, that pretty much laid out he wanted to work on "US"....so many things, but will highlight his comments: ...."I have always respected, cared for you..." ..."We have such a long, great history together..25+yrs.." ..."Those years have been the most significant in my life." ..."I want our foundation to be about US, not just because we have kids together.." ...."We are very wired very differently....and that is a very positive things in our R...we compliment each other." ..."WE are very compatable....and should considerate ourselves lucky....(he read an article in Wall St Journal about that...finding long term compatability...something to hold on to.) ..."It took us time to get into our R problems...so we need to take time to work things out." ...We both have communication issues from time to time...that frustrate me, but I'm trying to not get so keyed up about them." ...."Still plan to keep my apt for the summer, but wants me to come in the city often...and he comes out here." ...."Wants to take a vacation with me in late July..." ...."Remembered our anniversary that is coming up...(25th!)
Some of my responses: ...."I sensed you were drawing closer...testing the waters." ...."I think it will take time to build up trust, communication, and figure out what it will take to make things work." ...."I am working on me...my communication skills, but fall into old patterns when stressed. Will always keep trying to change my skills for the better, but I am human, and we will make mistakes along the way." ..."We will probably take 3-4 steps forward and 1 back as we go through this process." ...."let's just take things slowly....one day at a time."
Then we went for a long walk with the dog. Came home, continued our work-out.... ML ....and just hung around all day. He suggested running errands together....d's graduation next week....got gifts. We sat out on the deck, read, took a nap, went golfing late in the day. Had drinks and BBQ with Mom and son. Just a nice, nice...day. Occasional affection throughout the day....little, but some.
This a.m., we both got up, read the paper, coffee....then he got out his calender and we discussed all our plans for the next 2 weeks....his work, golfing, trip to Seattle for d's graduation....all the events surrounding that. Our anniversary date (he travels that evening...he said we'll pick another day to actually celebrate.
He is sleeping here until we leave for Sea...(Tue)...I will stay with him in his hotel most of the week, except 1 night....bringing my Mom to her place.
All in all.....a great turning point.
No talk about OW....will tread on that lightly, until the time is right. That's something we will have to cover soon. If you read my last post....there is absolutely NO sign of her at all. She may have left the Co. or moved....waiting for him to bring it up, for now.
Well couldn't wait to share this with you. Will keep you posted, but after Tue, will be outta touch for about a week.
Thank you for all your continued help, prayers, and encouragement....I know that between God and DBing pals and councelor...this is what guided US back on track.
Very hopeful...some hard work ahead....but exciting!
C has told me some of the same things but is not quite to the place where she will say she is working on US but I hope she will get there soon. Keep praying for her and me and maybe she will come off the fence on my side soon.
Congratulations Mooka! Very happy for you. Maybe it's something in the water. Or maybe the mother ship finally came back to return some of our spouses, huh? YAY!
May I suggest an excellent book to aid in your reconcilliation and healing? It is titled, "How Can I Forgive You?", by Janis Abrahms Spring -- author of "After the Affair." It is the most interesting, logical, and easy to understand book I've read regarding forgiveness.
My H and I are almost two years into our healing. I put my own needs on hold while my H overcame his severe depression. I assumed that after he got his head together, we would work on my issues. That wasn't happening. My H simply wanted to "forget it." He didn't want to talk about it. His thinking was that by bringing up the past it would just serve to perpetuate bad feelings and recriminations. I couldn't get him to understand how important it was for MY healing for him to talk openly and honestly with me.
I guess I finally got his attention when a couple of months ago I told him I had made an appointment to see a counselor -- just for me. I felt stuck in my healing process and since he didn't seem willing to help me, I would seek help elsewhere. He said he would do anything to help make things better for me. I stumbled across this book, and it laid out in print exactly what I had been feeling and trying to express to my H.
Basically, it talks about "cheap forgiveness" and how ineffective and destructive it can be. "Cheap forgiveness" means exactly that -- those who chose to forgive without making the offender "earn" forgiveness. That doesn't mean making the offender grovel and beg for forgiveness. It just means there are certain steps that should be taken by the offender to demonstrate remorse to the offended. And, it is more than simply ending the affair and promising to never do it again. It takes some hard work on both part of both parties.
I encourage you to get the book. It has helped me tremendously. As my H works to earn my forgiveness, I feel the resentment slipping away. We are beginning to share a much more intimate, much stronger bond than ever before in our history. My H is actually feeling empowered as he sees his efforts to "fix things" having an affect. He is a "fixer", and for him to have felt unable to fix the mess he created was extremely hard for him -- made him want to run from it, avoid it.
I have also put myself in the role of the "offender" I know I had a great part in the state of our marriage at the time my H succumbed. So, in essence, we are both working towards "genuine forgiveness" from the other.
The hard work is really just beginning, but if you do it right you be incredibly surprised at the rewards. Good luck.
)
ML 
