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#175348 09/04/03 08:50 PM
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Hi Gang...is it possible I've been locked out already???

Wow!

Well hopefully my wise and wonderful friend Sage will link up my old thread for me as she did last time

I guess I'll have to post my summary next as I forgot to copy it over .

Shiny

P.S. Thanks for the thread title Idea, Jethro!

#175349 09/04/03 08:54 PM
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Hey Shiny Will I do?
Shiny's last thread


Pam

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
#175350 09/04/03 09:00 PM
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I thought you said something about having your summary in a word processor so you didn't have to keep redoing it everytime. I thought that was where I got the idea to do that with mine was from you!


Pam

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
#175351 09/04/03 09:02 PM
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Now what was it you told me the other day about bragging rights????????



Pam

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
#175352 09/04/03 09:05 PM
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#1

She scoops them all!

Here's the lengthy summary:

I’m 40 H (CJ)is 41. (M #2 for him, #1 for me)

Married 12 years. Three cats, no kids (by choice).

I teach psychology at a local University, H’s job has been “restructured” so he is currently unemployed. White collar professional. Now earning an M.A. in distance learning on-line.

Up until Aug of ’02, I would have rated our marriage at a 7/10. Shows what I knew!

We had ups and downs, arguments, issues surrounding my sarcasm, controllingness, perfectionism, anxiety (which were much bigger than I knew). Issues with physical intimacy, with me wanting more, H offering less.

Nothing dire, or so I thought. I’d bought marriage books, mentioned counselling a couple of years ago…H didn’t seem all that interested.

August 22 '02 Bomb #1 ….Three weeks after I have kidney surgery H comes home from a 2 hour trip to the beer store looking distant and depressed. I press ( ) and he admits to wanting a D! Talk about 2X4, I thought he was going to say the job had finally gotten to him!

My world falls apart, I ask, he says there “is” no OW. Was there? Yes, a one time only dinner and kiss on a business trip. He thought he was in love. I am crushed, beyond hurt. All of my anger disappears under a swirling vortex of self-loathing and despair.

Aug 25 ’02 , took H to our doctor, we both start on antidepressants, Xanax for me as well. H takes sick leave from work. I think we’re “working on things”, I assure him that leaving his job is fine with me. H is uncertain. He loves me but…is not IN love with me, you know the drill.

Things are good/bad, up/down, VERY uncertain and odd for months. H is going out to bars without me, staying out late, I’m not sure who I’m married to anymore.

Sept ’02 I buy DR and find tremendous relief in the MLC and Depression chapters. Start Dbing (which I’d been doing since the bomb without realizing it)

We start MC, (H promises to put 100% into repairing our M) which turns into private C for H. Things seemed to be going well for us, I thought his depression needed attention most. Dumb.

, ” Nov 27th ’02 “Bomb #2 OW calls our house. Message I hear is “CJ, I don’t care if Shiny hears this, are you moving here or not!”

I pick up,. H tries to hang up the phone. OW and I have a loooong talk. Seems they met on a chat line about 18 months earlier. She’s the second OW he met there. EA’s turned to PA’s in both cases. All supposed “business trips”.

He’s told her an astonishing array of lies. Here’s a small sampling: we are separated, he’s moved out, our house is for sale, I’ve cheated on him, I won’t give him sex……


She e-mails me his latest messages to her and some digital photos of herself, her kids, and the two of them together…He has a ticket to fly out there (across country), bought her a diamond ring….daggers to the heart, my head is spinning. My anger returns for the night.

CJ figures he’s lost us both. Next day she calls again, and they’re on again! More head spinning…

Next day I talk to him, feels like a battle for good over evil, for his very soul. Something changes in him and he vows to keep his word, to no longer lie, to no longer be driven by fear, to stay in town whether our M can be salvaged or not. He tells her (with me in the room) that they shouldn’t see each other any more. I feel it is a weak ending, but take him at his word.

Dec ‘02 We see another therapist, once…a miserable, expensive waste. I pull back, give him space, start doing more things on my own. Wishing he would join me, asking him to. But made the big mistake of telling everyone what happened (he didn’t want to be seen as “true blue” when he wasn’t), making it uncomfortable for him to socialize.

Family and friends are united in supporting my decision to try to work things out. Can’t believe this behaviour of H, totally out of character, not who they thought he was.

No reassurances from H, he swears there’s been no further contact, but strange behaviour continues….long walks, (this is Canada in the winter) 2 hour “runs to the video store”. No Christmas gift for me.

Jan ’03 , we find another C. Much better. 1st session H reveals that he wants to try to work things out…I weep with relief.

Much blame still rests on my past behaviours which H classifies as “abusive”, so hard to hear. I was unaware of the extent of the damage I was doing at the time. Have a much better appreciation now.

Things start looking better. STD tests clear, we resume intimacy, start talking again, start connecting. All the while, I’ve done major 180’s in a variety of areas, most notably the anger, sarcasm, “freaking out over small stuff”, anxiety is well in hand, I’m much more laid back, criticism is almost non-existent. Lots of internal and external changes I am proud of. And although H doubts it, they are REAL!

Valentine’s day '03 …lingerie and wine. Just a card from H, but a very nice evening.

Things are looking better and better… .

February 25th '03: Bomb #3 . I wake up to another phone message (our machine is always on) from OW. This time she’s asking for our address. We talk again, she tell me that “this time” she’s breaking it off for real. And wants to send back the stuff H had sent/given to her (including family photos of his childhood).

My heart pounds, but it’s nowhere near the experience of Aug and Nov. Instead of “freaking out” and showing him the door (which H expected, and so too, probably would any sane person who doesn’t know about Dbing) I sit down and ask him to explain.

He does. Seems they were back in touch two days after their “break up” in Nov. She says he reached out to her, he says she called here while I was at work. Either way, it was back on. Since I now have the cell phone (which was my birthday gift to him in Nov. ), she calls while I’m at work, he uses phone cards on our fax line, or he goes out to use pay phones. And e-mail, of course.

She sends me more e-mails, including a booked (then cancelled) plane ticket, professions of deep love for her from H, more lies (me catching him packing), nick-names, sickening, hurtful words.

His rationale : Early on in December he tried to cut loose from her, but she insisted they maintain contact. She does appear to be very controlling and more than a bit scary. She’d moved back in with her H and 2 boys, and was still insisting on talking to my H. He finds out she’s been married 3X, has cheated before, slept with her FIL!

In late Jan, H tried to end it with her again (saying it wasn’t fair to me, or her H and kids ) but she threatened to send me e-mails. Then demanded $500. H sent it. Lied to me when I asked about the bank statement. The A continued.

H says his end was just trying to keep her quiet, hoping she’d find someone else and disappear from his life.

She leaves her H and little boys again, tells my H all about the guys constantly trying to pick her up, starts dating someone.

Feb 24th ’03 , my H calls her and says it HAS to end (her new boyfriend insisted she stop talking to H, but she was willing to go behind his back)…hence her call to our house the next morning.

She likely thought I’d kick him out, and he’d turn to her for solace. Clearly she knows nothing about DB!

We rejoice, celebrate having her out of our life. H is pleasantly shocked by my reaction.

March ’03 …ups and downs, trying to “piece” this M back together. Trust issues, trying to process all of the hurt, all of the incredible details. H projects his behaviours onto me and accuses me of “flirting” on the bb, private messaging etc.

April ’03 We take a weekend trip together. Mostly good.

May 1st ’03 We celebrate our 11th anniversary…I start a marathon of teaching.

Managed the extra work load this summer just fine....already prepping for Fall courses. Things have steadily improved over the summer.

Sometime in July we started e-mailing and I received several very heartwarming, tear-jerking, wonderful messages from CJ voicing his feelings about what he'd done and how he feels now.

So all in all I feel I AM getting Closer!!!

(Closer to the life and M I want!!! )

Shiny

#175353 09/04/03 09:15 PM
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Pammy Pam..you silly muffin...you're supposed to add #1 when you're the first poster on a thread. I thought I was, but you snuck in while I was re-adding the colour and emoticons to my summary!!

Well today was nice. I went to a local diner for lunch with my parents. Wonton soup...yum! Then did some grocery shopping, dropped off my "jug 'o pee" to the lab and then met up with my Mom to go visit Nana.

She's been in a transitional nursing home for a couple of weeks, and sad to say, I was a little afraid to go visit her there. My aunt had painted a picture of utter despair and horror, but the place wasn't that bad. She was up and dressed and walking around in her walker.

We took her outside and visited with some other patients, she really seemed to enjoy our visit.

Now I'm just about to start dinner...poor CJ, he kind of miscalculated on the prep time for the Calzones last night and by the time they were done (I HAD offered to help!) it was nearly 10 p.m.

I'd started to feel nauseated and light headed at around 8:30. (9 1/2 hours is a long time to go between lunch and dinner )...thus I didn't enjoy it as much as it deserved...and felt pretty lousy for the rest of the night.

Oh well, today's better!

Shiny

P.S....in giving the weight gain more thought the other similarity that jumps out at me is that on both of those other occasions there was a sexual implication. The first time, last year with x-fiance, our sexlife had ground to a halt (he was depressed, I had a relapse of Ulcerative Colitis)...the next time was after things "cooled off" with CJ and I our second year together....hmmmmm.

Things are STILL very much lacking in this department and I imagine I had HOPED it would be much better as things ARE better in most other areas.

#175354 09/05/03 05:58 AM
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As I finish my 3 a.m. tuna sandwich, I'm revisiting the notion of replacing sexual urges with food.

Tell me, has anyone out there actually managed to siginificantly improve a lacking sex life? Even if it's been lacking for many years???

I'd LOVE to hear something that will give me HOPE!

Shiny

#175355 09/05/03 06:57 AM
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Okay, now it's nearly 4 a.m.

Just couldn't get to sleep until I journalled a thought that came up.

Now bear in mind the time and the fact that I'm a little fuzzy...


I’ve been pondering the issue of forgiveness. I know that it is not an “all at once” experience for me. Something Dr. Phil says over and over on his shows about Infidelity, and that is that it is very hard to forgive and move on until the hurt partner KNOWS that their spouse GETS what they put you through.

I know that the very same is true of US getting the stuff that our S’s have been aggrieved about for years. To THEIR satisfaction…true validation and ownership, sincere apologies. I feel I have done this when the subject of my former control (and current slip-ups) sarcasm, hurtful words and deeds has arisen. I have validated and cried in shame and remorse.

This particular issue came up the other day and has been reinforced for me by TV programs about people having to pack up, sell their house, and move.

CJ commented that it would be a nightmare to pack up and organize all of our 10 year accumulation. I agreed with him, made comments about our books alone…

What caught me inside, at that moment, was the stab of terror that I felt when CJ was ready to hop on a plane, leave this place and our three cats and me forever and somehow let the lawyers and ME figure it all out!!!

I was barely functional, still ill with kidney problems, awaiting news on further surgery.

Does he have any real grasp on HOW that possibility made me feel? Panicked, shocked, overwhelmed, gut-wrenching (looking at the painting BIL did for our wedding, our initials in a heart hidden on a tree)….AGONY, FEAR.

Is there ANY point to sharing this? It seems to me that if I WERE to share it (I'd craft an e-mail as that has been working well with us) and CJ was to validate how terrifying that must have been and apologize….I could probably say those words…”I Forgive you”.

Is this, perhaps how it needs to go? Not all at once, but as it comes up for me?

Will this drag CJ down, or can this move BOTH of us further into a more intimate and mature M?


Feedback please!

Shiny

#175356 09/05/03 07:03 AM
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Quoting shinybear:
Tell me, has anyone out there actually managed to siginificantly improve a lacking sex life? Even if it's been lacking for many years???
Shiny


I have, actually. But the solution may not be quite applicable to your situation.


Jade Rooster
#175357 09/05/03 11:48 AM
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Hey Shiny,

Thanks for posting about Minnie1 on Tiel's thread...I tried to put out an SOS to you yesterday am to go visit Minnie but your thread was locked!!!!

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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