ozman, you are not the first LBS to fight against GAL. Sadly, not GAL usually doesn't end well.
Have you googled "self-differentiation in marriage" before? If not I highly suggest it. Healthy relationships occur between well differentiated individuals. If one or both partners identity is to overly tied up in the other person, trouble usually occurs (thus you are here). Just more food for thought.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cadet. I’m guessing the answer is no. But I feel like I could
Why is she sad?
Oz - she is internally sad.
It is nothing you did and nothing you can fix.
What has been said to me is - "You didn't break her and you can not FIX her"
The why is much more complicated and until she decides that she is going to fix herself, you will be the target of her anger. This is why we are telling you to stay out of the way, GAL, and let her worry about herself. If you try to fix this or her it will end badly.
Again I can only restate - YOU are not the cause of it.
And how does GAL work on Wme. Does it just make me seem more interesting?
Doing what personally makes you happy and struggling to achieve challenging personal goals actually makes your life more fun, fulfilling, and interesting. It's not about facades and how it seems to others.
On my road trip, I rose before sunset to photograph a snowmelt lake, and just before leaving I annoyed my partner by reversing course so I could hike down and swim in it. "I was there!" Life's too short for regrets. My excitement was contagious and it became one of those mini-vignettes that make a vacation.
My partner tends to be distant and avoidant. We average 8-12 minute nightly calls. Yesterday it went on for 23 minutes because I had interesting GAL activities to share. I'm skeptical she and I end up together, but GAL seems to help with her, and makes whether she and I end up together matter less.
Just understand that she is sad (or angry or whatever emotion she is feeling at that moment) and validate.
Keep listening to understand. Do not talk much.
Let her be sad. Let her be happy. Let her be angry. DO NOT LET HER EMOTIONS EFFECT your emotions. Stay cool, calm, happy (be happy she is opening up and sharing her true feelings with you).
Enjoy her story.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’ll google that Steve thanks. Why is it hard to GAL? I wonder why it’s so hard to go do something you enjoy. Makes no sense lol
It is a control thing. You feel more in control of your sitch when you are around your W. The problem control is pressure and pursuit. And pressure and pursuit is never good in these sitches
Originally Posted by ozman
What did you do to GAL?
I went to the gun range. Hung out with friends. Reconnected with old friends. Went up to the hunting property. Visited with family. Volunteered for events at church. Went for a drive. Worked out.
Originally Posted by ozman
And how does GAL work on W. Does it just make me seem more interesting?
Terrible question. This question tells me you still do not get DBing. GAL is for YOU. It gets you away from her so you don't pursue and pressure. So it give her time and space. It helps you let go and realize that that there is a whole world out there and that things will be fine for you no matter what. SOMETIMES it causes the WAS to feel a sense of loss. Or makes them wonder what is up. Gets them curious. But that is a side-effect, NOT the purpose for GAL.
Originally Posted by ozman
Oh BTW. the working hard on my appearance finally paid off just a little. In the beginning she just seemed put off by it
Yesterday though. She noticed. “You smell nice she said”. I guess it really does take time
Did you smell bad before? (This is a joke.)
Last edited by Steve85; 07/17/1903:55 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maintaining attachment. You can not feel connected to someone who is undefined or vague. Nor will you feel understood if you don’t express yourself clearly.
This is something I just read in differentiation in a marriage article
How does this work with answering her “what are you thinking about” with something vague
Maintaining attachment. You can not feel connected to someone who is undefined or vague. Nor will you feel understood if you don’t express yourself clearly.
This is something I just read in differentiation in a marriage article
How does this work with answering her “what are you thinking about” with something vague
Careful, likely the advice in the differentiation article was referring to a healthy marriage. Not post-BD.
We've told you before how to answer that question.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/17/1905:06 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
(This is a joke.)