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#2854099 06/22/19 07:05 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Last edited by Grace21; 06/22/19 07:06 PM.

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Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
Time will bring answers.

DnJ – I originally wrote “Time will hopefully bring answers”, but removed “hopefully”. I’m learning.

Yay!

I agree with job. Your H is one of the slow ones. He is in no rush to end anything or really start anything. You are doing great giving him lots of time and space; ample opportunity for him to figure himself out.

And look at you - moving forward, and living and loving life. Yay again!

I like your decision to become a member of your church. And a 27 mile bike ride, all over the trails, that does sound fun.

What kind of bread you making?

I just got in from mowing grass - 7 hours - it was pretty tall. I am hungry and now all I am thinking about is fresh baked bread. Mouth is watering, tastebuds poised in anticipation, tummy rumbling - I better find something. Think I’ll make a pizza tonight. It’s like fresh bread - with stuff on top - like meat, cheese, sauce, more meat. smile

You are doing great.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi Grace! Wow what a bike ride! I'm impressed.

My H has been keeping the status quo re: finances this whole time. I don't rock the boat. I try not to imagine why he is/isn't doing anything. It helps me stay strong : )

Congratulations on your new church membership!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Met with 2 Elders in my church yesterday and became a member. Spent some time with H.

First my meeting at church. They asked me about my faith journey, and my stand for my marriage came up. One elder in particular was quite amazed, and pressed me about who my mentor was because he thought this is not something people normally just do in such circumstances. I told him a few Christian woman have come into my life that understand and are supportive of my choice, but really it was the internet community. I didn’t mention this place by name, but really, this has been a driving force is keeping the focus forward, and allowing God to work at his own pace. I left the meeting a member of a new church, feeling more validated in my stand, and with a new resolve to live my life in a way where my actions and words reflect God’s love, grace, and mercy. Not just with H, but in all aspects of my life.

H went to brunch with the kids. They came back about an hour after I got home, and when the kids went off to do their thing, H made cocktails and we chatted. I am beginning to think he needs the buffer of a cocktail when we are left alone, but I said nothing, and enjoyed mine!

We chatted about just stuff for quite a while – maybe 30-45 minutes. Then, once again, I felt compelled to say something about our sitch. I didn’t plan to. In fact I was determined not to. But, it happened. After he leaves I can never remember exactly how things unfolded. (I’m amazed and how some of you can replay your whole scenarios here).

I asked about whether he will continue his monthly rental. He said for now. I asked why, after 9 months, he didn’t look into something more longer term. He said he didn’t know. He said he still doesn’t know what to do. He said sometimes he wished he could just disappear (I think he used the word vanish). I did not respond. Just listed. I asked him if he knew what was making if difficult for him to propel him in one direction versus the other. And whether is was fear. He said he was fearful. That he often feels fear. I did not pursue this further. He did say that he was learning to take care of himself, and he seemed proud when he said it. He said it twice. I didn’t respond the first time, just listened. The 2nd time I said that it was a good thing. I got the feeling he said it twice to get a response from me. I told him that I don’t want fear to stop him from talking to me, and that I am here for him if he needs help sorting things out. He nodded, and S21 came into the room about that time. Convo over. He hugged me good-bye as he usually does.

I would have loved to ask him specifically what he is fearful of. I was scrolling in my journal just now and came across a post by DnJ on 4/21/19 specifically about fear. Would I ever love to send that to him. As we all know here, DnJ is very wise!

I will leave H alone for now.

My stand continues for now.

And I will continue to do my best to reflect God’s love, grace and peace to H whenever I see him, and to people I cross paths with evrey day.

Life is good.

P.S. DnJ, I never got around to baking the bread (Again!), but I will share the experience when I do! With D19 home now, life isn't quite as predictable.


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Grace,

What a powerful testimony to your faith. When I shared with a leader in my church, they asked if they could share my phone number with another member. She was told that her H wanted a D. When she called, she acted like it was just over and done. Turns out he said it in the heat of an argument. I didn't even have to tell her about my sitch, I told her about DB, but she texted a week later and said he was very sorry and that he wants to go to MC. I was surprised/kind of not surprised that she was just willing to D because of an argument. Does no one use the Bible as the authority for their life? Anyway, I know that's maybe judgement and not my concern, but it made me realize that we are not the norm, which is sad especially in the Christian community. I love how you are using this as your ministry. That's what it is, your ministry.

ps. the first verse that punched me in the face was: 1 Peter 3:1-2. I cracked up and cried. lol I love using my words!! I've found that it is true, and a DBing technique!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Hope - 1 Peter 3: 1-2 was quoted by one of my elders during our meeting. Those words give complete validation to what us standers are doing. Thanks for posting it. I have not memorized any scripture yet, but I put versus that are meaningful to me in my journal. I couldn't remember where the scripture was from once I left the meeting, so thanks!

I really didn't look at my stand as a ministry, but I can see how my choice to live my life in a way to reflect the love of God is a ministry. I appreciate that.

When I last saw my therapist, I told her I feel a faint call to help others going through the same thing in a more organized manner (like a small group, I guess). She said she would send people my way if I chose to do that. Hmmmm. Another ministry brewing? We'll see. The feeling isn't strong. Yet.


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Hello Grace

Congratulations on the membership. Your meeting and discussion sounded very productive and affirming. I do agree that we LBS are a loyal and an unfortunately small subsection of the general population.

You sound so uplifted talking about your stand, your life, your willingness and commitment to reflect God’s grace and light. Faith is an incredibly powerful force.

An interesting and unplanned talk with H. He is really unsure of what he is doing, and why. His idea of wanting to disappear or vanish shows where he is at the moment; wanting to melt away. As well his inability to decide what to do, shows the paralysis of fear that is gripping him. He’s got stuff to work out.

I will say, his seeming proud of learning to take care of himself, is something definitely worthy of validation and acknowledgement from you, which you did. This is progress for him, and a small step in a positive direction. I agree with you, best to let him be for now. He probably has a few thoughts and feelings swirling around at the moment.

Originally Posted by Grace21
With D19 home now, life isn't quite as predictable.

So, no bread. It’s ok. smile

Unpredictable - isn’t it great? Most definitely not boring.

It’s wonderful to see you walking the path and living in the light.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I will say, his seeming proud of learning to take care of himself, is something definitely worthy of validation and acknowledgement from you, which you did. This is progress for him, and a small step in a positive direction.


I need to be more vigilant for these small signs of progress. I didn't see it that way at first. I see it now. I can see how easily they can slip by along with the opportunity to validate and potentially inch forward with H. The trick will be not to look into anything further than what it is at the moment.


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Hello Grace

These little opportunities can easily slip by, especially when involved in the conversation. Like anything, practice makes perfect, there will be many more opportunities I think.

You are correct with only considering the signs (positive or negative) valid for that moment. Acknowledging and validating his feelings show you hear and are listening. Praise the good stuff and he just might inch forward a bit, because he is ready. It helps to “see” him as a small boy looking for praise for his good deed. Along the lines of reinforcing good behaviour and ignoring bad.


The big thing is accepting him for who he is, which I think you are doing a wonderful job of. The MLCer wants to feel safe and accepted. Once safe they might just grow up. Some of then in their looking for their safe haven runaway and cease contact with their former life. Others, like you H, seemed to like to, and want to, talk and keep in contact. It really depends on the person and whatever demons they are battling.

Your progress is still paramount during all this. Don’t worry he sees you and the role model you are, so keep moving forward and let him catch up.

DnJ

Last edited by DnJ; 06/26/19 10:32 PM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hello Grace

I meant to thank you for the kind words regarding my views on fear.

Thank you.

So, where do you see yourself? How much prison is bathed in light? Do you see your two lights? I see them.

If you are willing I am interested in your fears.

Please do not feel pressured. Acknowledging our fears is tough enough. Facing them takes even more. And sharing is an even bigger step.

I think a common fear is to share them. It makes one so very vulnerable. One exposes their very core and opens themselves up, a pretty uncommon position in today’s veiled society.

How ever, and when ever, you choose to expose those roots of your deep fears and let them wither, you will be amazed at what is on the other side.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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