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Thanks kml. I'm sleeping better each consecutive night. The over-all adjusting to a new sleep partner is also happening.

I'm only a bit worried about B's need to be rescued. From what I gather - or at least on her side of the story - she did pretty much all the adulting in her former marriage including finances, making appointments etc etc. She was very much as is called on another site, a "wife appliance". She was often over-ruled when he would make impulse purchases of toys like fancy cars and boats. But she paid the bills and more or less kept track of things. Still does to an extent for him and probably will until the house sells in a year or so and they finalize the settlement.

Her financial literacy isn't strong but she knows the basic concepts of budgeting and saving for a rainy day which is tough on her with a minimum wage income. Fortunately the husband of her best friend is a financial planner and a very competent one so I don't expect her to make many poor choices.


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Not much going on but the weekend will be busy so here goes.

Sleep continues to be an issue. I have a CPAP machine and the numbers on it are a "lot" higher with the new mattress than with the old (high teens for AHI vs 1 or lower). It's also been pretty hot (for us) and I've been sweating a lot. I've bumped the pressure on the machine up a tad - not to where it used to be when I was heavy - and we'll see. Is it related to the mattress, the heat, the stress I'm having in other parts of my life? Dunno. Looking at the data that the machine provides me, I can find no correlation between the apnea episodes and any leaks or snore. They seem to happen mostly after I am asleep for a couple of hours so presumably in a fairly deep sleep.

I actually feel rather rested in the mornings but do drag as the day goes on. And that leads to poor choices like refueling with carbs. The giant cookies in the cafe across my building are quite tasty but best avoided.

At least my gout is pretty much gone. A bit of redness, no discomfort. I need to focus on not having it recur. I've "got" to figure out how to get my walking back in to my routine along with improving my diet. Reduced weight, better food and improved circulation are all good things.

Work is frustrating, my boss is annoying and I haven't heard from the company that I applied to. B wishes me "good luck" in the morning but I'm figuring that it will be at least some time next week before they reach out to me - if they do. I honestly don't know if they will reach out. I do have a few people on "the inside" who are pushing for me. B herself is considering changing jobs for more money but is uncertain. She's got a pretty good deal where she is. No weekends (usually) and flexible hours.

We're going away to the cottage this weekend for my first overnight there. It's a big deal for B. She's working in the morning and babysitting GS3/4 until mid-afternoon Saturday. There's an art show that I wanted to go to with her but I'll go alone in the morning. Hopefully I can pick up a nice piece. I don't need much but these amateur shows often have pieces that amaze. B says she'll do the laundry (she folds my socks different than I am used to wink ) and I'll do the running around and groceries and such. I may get a walk in too before we leave.

I'm not sure when we'll get home on Sunday. B has suggested that we skip doing a formal Sunday supper. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's a known fact that B will only have this cottage on shared family land for another couple of years at most. We've been talking about options. Her kids have suggested that they all go in together and get a new cottage. I've suggested that we explore options with trailers from the cute little teardrops that we could pull behind the car to larger ones that we would have to rent a seasonal site for. It in large part comes down to budget. Even though when the cottage goes up for sale, B will have some disposable cash, that might not be the best use for it. Her choice though. If it were just up to me, a small teardrop or rentals would be the way to go. Or, just hanging out in our very nice back yard. Compromises will undoubtedly need to be made, especially by me. B has already compromised a fair bit I think as she was accustomed to a lifestyle where "every" weekend is go away and go to the cottage / camping. At least when her kids were younger.

B has good intentions on making my life easier and less busy on weekends. Thus far it has had the opposite effect and she hasn't been able to deliver on many of the things she initially said she'd help with mainly due to other demands on her time, especially from S38 and his kids who have been accustomed to having "Nona" around all the time doing for them.

I laughed yesterday. B texted me to let me know that the land-line had run and that there was a message for S24 and she wanted to know if she should tap on his door. Instead I texted him from the city. When I got home everyone agreed that everyone having each other's phone numbers was a good thing. The message was from a new food truck around the corner that was looking for some help. Possibly S24 will take her up on it - don't know. It would do him good though. Getting his license and a "real job" would be even better which everyone acknowledges.

I do think that B has developed a small paranoia about my ex. There was a vehicle parked for quite a while across the street and she thought it was my ex. I assured her that it wasn't. There's no indication that S24's mother has taken an increased interest in him beyond the last car practice some time ago. A (far too large) part of me wonders what she's up to, if she's doing well but most of me knows that it's best to know or care. Even SIL1 has been quiet on that front. I need to send her her monthly support payment tomorrow morning while I'm working on my books. One more down and one step closer to being done.

I do wish that S24's mother was more involved with him. But it is what it is. I think that in many ways we both were not as engaged of parents as we could have been as both kids grew up. Thinking of S24 and of D27, they both are fairly independent people but who when push comes to shove are willing to reach out to their parents for help.

A funny vignette. S24 has actually been mentioning his mother in conversation with B even when I'm around. With D27 moving from Norfolk to San Diego in a month or so he mentioned that his mother had, like me, volunteered to be co-pilot which D27 declined saying that 2 might set out, but only 1 would arrive.

I've been having weird dreams lately. My ex and B often get mixed up in them and I get confused as to who I will be waking up next to. Undoubtedly perfectly normal as things get worked through. Home life though is generally harmonious and occasionally awkward as the three of us work around each other.

With stress, changing my routines, changing my diet, and not getting out for my walks, I've actually put on 3 lbs in the past week. I need to do something about that.


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About your sleep - sleep apnea is worst when you sleep on your back. If this mattress if firmer, it might not be as comfortable on your side so you may be rolling onto your back more in your sleep.

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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks kml. I'm normally a back sleeper but you raise a good point. My posture is undoubtedly different even on my back. I bumped the pressure up and my numbers went back close to where they should be. Hopefully over time I can decrease it. B has I think come on board with the fact that I need to make more time for regular moderate exercise and that will help too.

Had a bit of an epiphany this morning. B was going on about how big the house is and how hard it is to clean. I reminded her that I had done it completely on my own for years and that I liked cleaning. That got me a big hug and a comment - which may or may not be true - that she also likes the house.

But we got talking just as she was leaving for work. What I love most about this house is that it is filled with memories. A toddler S24 taking each and every article of clothes out of his drawers and trying them on. A little girl D27 standing on a chair at the counter proudly "cooking" by mixing up some Hershey's kisses into an amazing mess. Laying cuddled up with their mother and realizing and telling each other "these are the good old days". I didn't mention the last story. There are literally hundreds of other stories. Vignettes of a life well lived.

My ex was moved a lot before we met - usually done by an arbitrary decision by her dad. She then spent half her life under this roof and loved the stability and peace that it represented. B's first husband was a house-flipper so she was constantly looking for establishing curb appeal and moved regularly. Husband #2 stayed in one spot for about 1/2 their marriage but then moved her to the back of beyond which she both loved and hated and does miss quite a bit. She does call it "my house" a lot less often these days.

I wrote some time ago about Sunday Supper being a "place". My family has been in this area for almost 200 years. Refugees after a fashion from a failed colony of Scots in Venezuela. The original family farm is now in the hands of one of my first cousins. I can walk down the street of pretty much any town or village around and be pretty sure that I will see at least one relative even if I don't know them personally.

There will come a time when I have to leave this place. Personally, I hope that it is some time in the future. I do know that relationships require compromise. I do think that B is learning what this place means to me. It wasn't my idea to buy this house originally - I was talked in to it by a naked woman who knew where my levers were wink After she left I clung to this place as a source of stability in a world gone mad. Leaving the nest will be hard.

One thing I like about diarizing here is that it give me a place to pull out my entrails and give them a good hard look. I have learned so much about myself over the last 3 years. And as Martha Stewart would say - and that's a good thing.

Well - time to send my ex-wife her money for the month. Payment 21 of 77. Where has the time gone. It seems like yesterday sometimes that the "good old days" were happening. The sheets are just about done in the washing machine and that load will fill the big double clothes lines we have. B is working for a few hours then babysitting GS3/4, possibly here then mid-afternoon we're off to the cottage.

In sha allah. God has been very kind to me.


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Well A look on the bright side I am just sending payment 14 of 109!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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Separation Date: 6/17/2017
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Good Morning Andrew

Best of luck with the job application. Deciding to apply is a great step forward. I like how you think - learning is good at any age.

Just reading along, no real suggestions.

Wait! I got one!

Before going all in with a trailer or motor home - rent one for a trip. It is money well spent. You will learn layouts and designs you prefer, before the large outlay of cash. You could find out that what looked great in the showroom is horrible to live out of. Try before you buy.

If I am ever in the market for a jet plane, I’m going to do that. Lol. Or submarine. Especially a submarine!

What the heck is in my coffee this morning? Ha ha.

Take care my friend.

DnJ


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A bit to process from the weekend. I trimmed this back a bit as I was unnecessarially going on again about food (B prefers pancakes from a box).

This past weekend was pretty much the only weekend that B and I would have to head to the cottage for me to do my first overnight there. There are firm or vague plans that she has going through in to mid-August.

Since she had to babysit GS3/4 on Saturday for a few hours our plan was that I would go to the art show I wanted to see by myself, do the groceries and running around then we would leave around 3:00.

Getting home it turned out plans changed. GS3/4 needed to be babysat the next morning too so rather than change plans, they came with us meaning that our alone time became supervising kid time / getting up multiple times through the night etc.

On Sunday morning B asked me to watch the kids while she tidied up. After a couple of hours (she fit in other things) she came out and I said that I would go for a walk - which I took a nice long one for a couple of hours - got rather sunburned and did a lot of thinking.

The key thing that has been bothering me is that I can't help the feeling that my good nature is being taken advantage of. I'm cutting B a lot of leeway. This is a lot more different for her than it is for me and she does have a lot going on. Not that she's taking much advantage other than the roof over her head, additional grocery budget and help with child-care. There is some reciprocity going on with her cooking and doing laundry and starting to toss a few bucks in to the budget. And of course being loving.

It was also one of the key things that bothered me in my former marriage. I was an "appliance". Useful to fix a door, bring home a cheque, make pancakes from scratch and could be counted on to be there waiting when needed. Otherwise ignored.

On my walk I did really think hard though. My single life was pretty darned comfortable but "flat". Is this indeed worth the effort that it's currently taking and will take? Am I willing to accommodate the conflicting priorities? This stuff is tough.

After my walk B was very happy to see me - her mother said they were about to send out the OPP to find me. And yeah - she's worth the effort. But I will continue to need to be mindful. When we got home, B worked hard to make me feel appreciated I think. I didn't complain, but it was pretty obvious that I didn't have a good weekend. Even without the GK around I don't know if the whole "cottaging" thing is for me.

One thing that came up though is that one of her sisters has a very similar circumstance where her H will show up, not stay but then go off and keep himself busy doing the things he loves while she does what she loves. A big difference I think is that both of us were "farm boys" to whom the idea of sitting still is difficult where B's family grew up on that property and were used to having the beach right there and chilling out and relaxing.

I think B is looking at her sister's successful marriage and what made it work as perhaps a model for us going forward.

One thing that I fear is losing the "me" that I found over the last 3 years. I quite like the guy. I've been finding that I'm minimizing my own wants and needs. Heck - even my sock drawer is being changed around - still processing that. B has not been asking me to do any of this, but to find room for her, I have to shift things around. Ginger - if you are reading this, this might in part be the opposite side of your own story.

-----------------------

On the drive home B shared a bit more of her back story. It seems that her STBX's first affair was waaay back 7 years ago. It lasted a few months I believe and they made an attempt at reconciliation but the seeds were sown for a lack of intimacy, trust and respect. They went off on cruises, he bought B some expensive jewelry etc but a few years later he did it again. B gave up then which would have been about 2 years ago now but really there wasn't much of a marriage for a long time before that. A few things now make more sense.

------------------------

After we dropped the GK off mid-afternoon, we went for a short drive, had dinner out and then got home where I was able to get the flower beds weeded (been 2 weeks), scrubbed the cat boxes (should have been done last week), made my lunch and tidied up the kitchen. B helped dry the dishes. I think she's enjoying the fact that I'm so self sufficient while at the same time baffled that while she can sit and play Candy Crush, that I don't sit too. She said that her best friend had remarked to her on how she's changed from being the take charge / get everything organized and planned gal to much more laissez faire.

---------------------

Well - I got the automated text that my ex has cashed her e-transfer which for some reason she always waits until the due date to do even though I always send it early. The sun is shining on the tops on the cars in the rail-yard. I still haven't heard from the company I applied to - perhaps this week. I've let this entry compost more than enough - time to hit post.

PS - waves to DnJ - hope you had a good trip.


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"It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,"

Steamy and sticky here in Lower Middle Upper Kanukistan where I'm working from my home office.

Time for my Wednesday update for all you Bruce's out there.

There actually have been things going on. B and I are settling down I think. Bumps are to be expected especially with two mature people who have their own particular ways of doing things. B was late getting home last night and had texted me to let me know that and that she would make dinner for us when she got home. I think she was surprised when she got home around 7:00 that I already had it made and pretty much ready to put on the table. I don't think she was 100% fond of the fact that I added hot sauce - but that's the way I cook. She texted this morning thanking me for making part of her lunch. I think she's slowly getting used to having someone who does for her. She's so used to being the only one who gets stuff done I think.

I think B is getting as she would call it "leveled". She has a trip "up north" next weekend I believe to help her STBX sort out some issues with the property and there's a moderate chance that his OW will be there but it doesn't seem to be a cause of concern for her. On the other hand, realizing now that she's 7 years out from her own bomb-day changes things a bit I think. This might be the last trip she has to make up there. I don't know. I am pretty sure that he regrets the fact that she left but not his affairs.

S38 is settling in to his part-time job and has secured some child-care. The first time went well with him coming home to see both kids and the sitter down for naps after she spent the day with them at the park. I believe all the legal stuff will be sorted out finally in the next week or so regarding custody.

My own S24 is trying to get his driving test scheduled. He was talking to me about it last night and how his big challenge is getting someone to go along with him. He's going to ask B I believe. It's weird - to me - how he doesn't seem to count on his mother for anything. But then again, she has a history of not being reliable for anything and presumably that hasn't changed.

One thing that I find interesting is how willing people are to take things that are free. The old carpet out of the living room - which smelled of dog when it got wet and probably had enough cat hair in it to build three new ones was barely put out at the curb when someone had it loaded in to their truck.

I posted the old mattress online for free and there have been 3 or 4 people who have expressed serious interest. Mostly young couples. I did mention that it was "lightly used" which is sort of an ex-wife joke. I expect it to be picked up today by someone. They can get use of it and it's out of my house. Win win as far as I'm concerned. One person asked me if the price was negotiable so I offered to throw in a spare cat. I probably would get in to trouble from S24 (but not B) for that wink

SIL1 messaged me the other day that my ex is posting things online for sale. First some "collector" beer mugs for probably what they cost originally and then an ugly couch. Pick up in OM's city. My assumption is that she's moving in at long last and both making room for the stuff she took from here and purging things she doesn't like. Which may or may not include anything from his deceased first wife.

I must admit that I feel some relief and am somewhat happy for her that she is getting some results for what are in my opinion rather large sacrifices that she made. Assuming that this is the case I do have my doubts though that it will work out or last. She's a difficult person to live with given the combination of anger and hoarding tendencies. I walked on eggshells around her for our entire marriage. As I certainly well know, cohabitation is very very different from dating and overnights. Having B tell me that she's a great cook and then serving me burned sausages and pancakes out of a box is certainly not living up to the advertising wink If they can make it 6 months though it will probably last.

My black currants are now ripe. I'm pretty excited about it and will be spending my lunch today picking. B tried one raw and didn't care for it. I have rhubarb and pie crusts in stock to make a black currant / rhubarb pie. I'll freeze enough so that when D27 comes home at Thanksgiving that I can make another. I think she'd like that.

So the big news is that I have an interview next Wednesday. Not with the company I recently applied to, but with the local nuclear plant which is closer and higher paying. I put applications in all the time and this is from one I did back in April. Curiously it's almost exactly 3 years ago that I had an interview with them. The phone interview on the day before my ex walked out and the on-site interview a week or so later which I blew undoubtedly in part because I was an absolute mess.

The job won't be all that fulfilling I expect but the quality of life improvements would be good. B's STBX also worked at this same place before taking early retirement at 50 so she is also familiar with it.

No telling if the other opportunity will come through or not. I'd rather not have to weigh them against each other. I do prefer simple choices of yes/no rather than door #1/2/3

Well - enough for now. I have a conference call shortly that I need to prep for.


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Quote
burned sausages and pancakes out of a box
The burned sausages are one thing, but pretty certain 99% of people use a box to make their pancakes these days.

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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
burned sausages and pancakes out of a box
The burned sausages are one thing, but pretty certain 99% of people use a box to make their pancakes these days.
That's crazy talk! Next you'll be telling me that there are these wonderful machines you can put dirty dishes in and they come out clean laugh


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