Yail... what you wrote about mourning something you don’t’ even want... I know EXACTLY what you mean by that. That’s what I was doing too. I have been thinking a lot more about my STBXH lately...before I wasn’t thinking about him at all but now I am having fleeting thoughts. They don’t affect me emotionally though...they are just thoughts. The last steps of completely letting go, I think. I, too, am starting to envision a different future and it’s a great one. You are going to have a great one too. (((HUGS)))
DV: I see that you left a message, but it's not showing up for me. This is what happened when I was trying to post to 97. Is the forum buggy for anyone else?
I don't know if this will post, as the forum has been wonky for me lately. (Hey moderators - am I on some kind of probation?)
Anyway, this weekend that I've been so dreading is wrapping up. And do you know what? I felt JOY during it. Not all the time, but some of it. Pockets of it.
I saw some old photos of when W and I were so happy. A bit painful still, but they were accurate and true. I want to respect that happy time we had. And then some photos of when I know now neither of us were living our full potential. That's hard to swallow - but also was true.
Things are moving quickly now with the D and the house selling and me moving. It has been about 9 months since W asked for the D, and about 13-14 months since BD. So in some ways this is not "fast" at all. Maybe it's just all wrapping up in a few ways?
But when I see my future I see happiness. I really do. I see so much personal growth and authenticity in who I am becoming. I'm still mourning W and what we had, absolutely. But this hopeful feeling I didn't expect to shine through right now while going through a lot of painful stuff. I didn't know I could feel pain and joy at the same time over the same thing.
I'm losing some things. But what am I gaining? Honestly, I don't know but I know that I am gaining something. And because I don't know what it is, I feel hope. I am hopeful for my future which is unknown. What an amazing feeling.
I feel stronger (emotionally) than I ever have. I have more purpose and direction than I ever have. I made some decisions about pursuing my Masters degree, and what kind of life I want to live. I am trying SO hard to be social and make friends. I am embracing the sun and the breeze and my shoulders are golden with my gardening.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is for others who are still so "in it" and can't escape mentally the pain. I understand. I 100% understand. I just want to wish you a few pockets of light even during your toughest hours. Give you PERMISSION to laugh and feel hope, or relief, or joy when you know you're supposed to be sad. It's okay to feel two things at once. It doesn't mean you don't love or care, and it doesn't mean you're giving up. It just means you value your life, and you won't let anyone take that from you. You are living something that is honest and authentic. And that means it's messy.
I'm trying to determine if I'm being pushed around or overly sensitive.
The house is officially on the market. I believe it to be WAY over priced (like...$40K over priced) and my first instinct is that W and her realtor are insane for the asking price. However, I won't be upset if it really does fetch that amount of money as we are splitting the equity. A high sale would be good for me. But I think they're bonkers for the price. I don't know if I want to be right or wrong!
The realtor is a former mutual friend. I don't like feeling rude or ungenerous, but I'm finding him to be a bit of a joke in all this. Not an unkind man, but not who I would work with to sell the house. W told me he would come by to pick up a large pile of trimmed brush that is in the front of the house by the curb. Left me a note that the realtor/friend would be by Monday to dispose of it. I don't know if the friend has flaked out or if W never had clear communication - but it's still sitting there and is unsightly and an embarrassment. I could have taken it to the compost center had I known he wasn't going to do it. Not my job, but I also don't like the fact that the neighbors have had to look at it since Saturday.
Realtor just wrote to me asking for a key to the house so a lock box could be put on for showings. UMMMM hey W, maybe you should have taken care of that and given your key? He asked that I leave it for tomorrow morning, and I only have my own key. I can certainly get him another key - my family has spare - but it won't be until tomorrow evening.
I just don't like that their poor planning makes me need to rush around and potentially give my own key to the house. Sure, I need to collect the keys from family anyway - but perhaps more than 24 hours notice would have been helpful.
When realtor came to take photos of the house he was over an hour late, so it dug into my day.
So these little things just are a nuisance and if I was the person who hired him I'd speak up and say so. But I'm not. BUT I live here, and have a right to some proper notice on things.
At the same time, I'm very aware of the fact that W and I still do not have any legal document outlining that I will get half the equity in the house. So I feel I must play nice. I really don't think she'd back out or try to play "hard ball". I really don't think so. But I also really don't know, and it sounds so crude but I want that money. If she is going to leave me I need it to set up my life because much of our financial planning was done together over the past 10 years. I significantly contributed to our lifestyle, and the fact that my savings is minimal is based on financial decisions we made as a couple. So yeah - despite not "legally" being entitled to it I want that equity.
I also don't have my apartment lined up for September or October and I'm starting to stress. But it only takes 1 successful viewing to snag a good place, so I need to keep at it.
I just need to push through. Get to my next step, which is my own apartment, and get moved in. Once that happens I can breath easy knowing my space is my own once more.
House sale is moving much faster than anticipated, with 8 solid offers in 1 weekend of showing. I wasn't expecting this.
For me it means I may be forced to move out sooner than I had hoped and asked for. This has my anxiety level up. I'm trying to remain level headed, but I struggle with change.
I have my apartment secured for October 3rd so that's a big relief and I feel pretty decent about that. I sign the lease tomorrow. I fully intend on breaking the lease in spring assuming I find my own house to purchase at that time. I just figured I should get through the fall/winter to really be sure of what I want in a house. I'm back and forth between wanting a small home in this city that I live in currently (and love) or a home a bit out in the country that I could get goats for. I'm very interested in both options, and think a bit more time wouldn't hurt me.
I may need to identify temporary housing for September which has me very disappointed. I understand, but I'm disappointed. But, time will tell. I don't know the details yet.
W has been communicative throughout this process. I appreciate that.
1 year ago we were a couple and about to go on our yearly summer vacation. It was the last time we were intimate. 1 year ago things were wrong between us, but not quite fully broken in two. At least not outwardly. 1 year ago is when W started to share just how wrong things were for her and just how unhappy she was. First acknowledgement of it since BD. But still it was just tiny glimpses. We both knew it was there, but she only just started to verbalize it.
I think I need to move forward with my tattoo. I think now is the time for me. Bring some beauty into my life at a time when I know it is all around me, and I see it, but I also experience a lot of pain alongside the beauty. I'm going to get a 4''x6'' upper thigh tattoo of mixed flowers. All my favorites that bring me joy: poppies, roses, hydrangeas, clover, lavender.
(((Yail))) Not much to offer in the way of advice. You are doing so well. Leaving your home is, I'm sure, pretty devastating but when you do decide on a new one and start to make it your own, I predict you will be very happy with it and looking forward to a positive future. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep posting. I very much appreciate all of your words of wisdom and support. (((HUGS)))
You and my coworker are telling me the same thing. I'm strong, and keep going. I'm trying!!
I know my future is bright. I know I have happiness in both the now and the future. I just really am not doing great with the stress of feeling powerless. I don't do well with that feeling - I've realized that's when I tend to spin out of control. Funny, that's the overwhelming feeling I had when W was actively leaving. Powerless. I just pieced that together in my mind.
So I'm feeling very emotional now just as I was feeling very emotional last fall.
I'm so high-anxiety over the house sale timing. I know W is working on it, I just worry she's not pushing *enough* for me. They are inquiring if we (I) can "rent back" the house from the sale/closing for an additional few weeks. This is what I want. I can be mostly moved out of the house - get storage, etc. But finding 1 month or 6 weeks of housing with a pet is TOUGH.
Plus, it's my brother's wedding at the end of September. I'm making their cake. I've done 2 trials already and plan a third this weekend. I need a trustworthy and tested oven for something important like this.
And I put my gardens in, and want to have the rewards.
You never know what the future brings. who knows - maybe after the inspection the buyer will find some tiny detail they hate and will back out and we'll have to start over. You just never know the future.
I'm trying really hard to bring back my emotional crush on the cutie at work. It has waned recently. It is such a great distraction, and brings me that silly giddy feeling that can take over the brain space being occupied by this other *bleep*. But the highly emotional state I'm in these days has brought back a lot of memories and feelings for W, and that's hard to feel. I thought I was "over" her. No. I'm just learning how to move on from her, so the cycles are still there. Don't want to be with her, but miss her.
I think it's time to bring back my "cook down the pantry" game. I don't want to move all this stuff, so might as well eat it all now and save on some groceries.
I've been really emotionally down this week, and just trying to push through. Lots of crying, which I haven't done regularly since winter.
The sale of the house has me and W communicating more than we have in the past 9 months via text. I stopped getting anxious when I see something from her, which I suppose is good. I know it's all logistics, and I don't panic wondering how to respond or over analyzing things. Just simple responses back and forth.
She has been communicative (much more so than the realtor who I'm still beyond frustrated with). I wonder if that is what has my dreams starting. I'm not one to remember their dreams, but I've had a few recently where W is in them and is either apologetic, or I feel my heart forgiving her, and opening up to the idea of Recon. WTF. That's not what is going on in real life. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?
So then I find my waking hours thinking about her, and everything just makes me cry. I realized today I couldn't remember the last time she was laughing really hard with me. How long had she been depressed and I didn't fully see it? I didn't acknowledge it? Was it years?
I sense that a lot of processing and grieving is happening below the surface right now with the house sale and pending D. It's all in the works to approaching those final steps though I think I have a few months to go still before it's truly final. And I'm no longer afraid of my future, which is unknown. That's exciting and great. But I do mourn the loss of my person. I'm missing her a lot these days.
I'm also realizing just how incredibly lonely I am. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about these feelings with and some nights it's just too much. I spend 3 or 4 nights a week going to the lake and knitting which is really great. I'm out and can people watch, watch the sun set, and I love my knitting. Sometimes I have nice little conversations with strangers which boosts my mood. But I'm also drinking more than I should, and while it hasn't reached unhealthy or unsafe levels, it's definitely a crutch right now. Most nights I'm having a couple cocktails to just calm down and feel like I can breath.
I go back and forth between understanding why she had to go and being incredulous that she left.
Today I found out that the OW is working at the place W works at in the next state over. She must have moved so they could be together. They work in the same general field.
I was devastated. Losing W while trying to think "maybe this is what she needs - maybe she needs to grow without me" is hard enough. But throwing in the OW is a knife to the heart.
I know this isn't about me. But my god, it is tough to know this.
And then there's the maniacally hysterical laughing woman in my head who is screaming, "Really? REALLY??? Why are you upset Yail? You lost your W a long time ago when she decided it was the M making her unhappy. This is just a blip in the insanity that is running around W's head right now."
I'm oscillating between rage, hurt, and snippets of understanding. When I think back to some of the insane things W said during our demise, I know that she is not calm in herself. Maybe OW becomes a permanent R, maybe not. Maybe this is a "sign" of her depression, maybe it is legit. I don't know. But I can't stop and try to unearth motivations I will never know.
Forward. Just over two months and I will be in my apartment. Next January I'm wanting to start my Masters Degree. I have only good things in my future.
Next focus: Seriously how do adults make new friends?!? I'm still trying to build my tribe of good, fun loving, authentic people!
There's a lot of heavy stuff going on that has me raging and ready to just tear my heart out and throw it in the road. Drink myself into a stupor with extreme vexation. I won't. Instead, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to put it all on a shelf until I can properly and calmly take it out, examine it, process it, and put it to bed.
I'm going to focus on my successes and what is bringing me joy. Examine what is on my mind aside from the angering stuff. I just really need to write A LOT right now. It may be disjointed. It's better than taking a sledgehammer to the drywall. (Yep, Yail found her rage stage of grief. Let's hope it's a short one).
I had a great conversation with a coworker yesterday about our lives, how we connect with students, how we approach our work. She is also recently out of a long-term relationship and I think hurting, though she is more private than I am. And only after our fulfilling and wonderful conversation did I realize, "OH!! THIS is how adults make friends!". So I'm on my way to becoming friends with this wonderfully intelligent and insightful colleague. Yes. Score a point for me! It was happening so naturally I almost didn't notice it. I hope to continue to chat with her, and maybe we'll grab a tea sometime to solidify the "we're friends outside of work too" vibe. She's very social, so I'm sure I'd meet some really rad other people through her.
I posted one of those anonymous "I saw you around town" submissions to the local online newspaper. You know, the ones that are often near the dating section? So in it I very vaguely put out into the universe my secret crush on my (different) coworker. Just to get it off my chest. No one would know it was me, no one would know it is her. It's 100% deniable. But it felt like a wonderful secret to post the fact that I've been checking her out. She is my favorite distraction in all of this. I've been having a hard time concentrating due to my mind wandering to her.
I'm realizing that in some ways I don't have anyone I can go to. My parents and friends have all proved a tad unreliable - though in different ways. And you know what? That's okay. I'm learning that I can only rely on myself for 100% of my needs, and that maybe different friends and different relationships need to feed us in a variety of ways. No one person can be everything. I thought W was, and maybe that was wrong. This is an interesting process to go through, but I think ultimately it's healthy for me to examine this.
I'm really into examining my fashion and aesthetic lately. I'm embracing my queer femme side. Dressing mildly sexier and feeling good about it. There's a big Pride event in a couple months, and I am really hoping to fully participate and to dress the part. I've got it all planned out: A black tank top that I'm going to embroider with "Femme as F**k". Grey slashed/ripped jeans. Cute boots. My killer lipstick.
I am more confident than I have ever been. I used to be shy, also kind of awkward, especially around other gay folks or cute women. Nope, not anymore. I don't break eye contact. I feel I've become rather intense. But I just don't have fear anymore.
I've never really been prideful. I've just been ambivalent about being gay. But it's hitting me in a different way these days, and I feel a strong need to really examine myself and what my sexuality is telling me. I'm realizing I need to be with someone who is deep-down proud of being gay. She doesn't need to be covered in rainbows (actually....I'm very much hoping not. I'm a fan of something more subtle..) but she does need to have a general comfort with the fact that she likes women. I'm seeing just how much shame exists in our community, and in this moment I don't have the capacity to help someone else along in their journey. A friend, sure thing. But not a lover. Most of us have had a hard road. But someone who is sure of who she is and what she wants - that's what I'm looking for.
In the creative world I am knitting the most amazing sweater for winter. It has gorgeous cables that wrap around the body and the pattern is one of the most fun and interesting patterns I've ever worked with. "Swivel Pullover" from Interweave if you want a photo.
Lastly: I'm daydreaming about my future house/home. Whenever that is. I'm hoping next year, but I can honestly say I have no idea. But I want a bit of land. A fire pit so friends can gather around and drink a few too many beers and talk into the night. An extra bed for a friend who needs a little help. A minimalist but full pantry. New art on the walls that I either discover, make, or design. A place I can unapologetically hang up my lingerie because it will be MY house. Room in my home and heart for animals. Gardens for herbs, veggies, and flowers. Everything will have a purpose or it will not exist in my house. I don't want a disposable life. I want authenticity everywhere I look. And if another woman ever comes into sharing my life I hope she has the same values.
