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JujuB Offline OP
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My ex is a high functioning addict. But I never really thought of myself as a high functioning nutcase. It kind of fits though. I went through this whole process without anything. No drinks. No meds. No anything. I relied on exercise. I think the answer is for me to get back to exercise.


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Hi Juju

If it's any consolation, I still go through periods of rage towards my XH more than 3 years after BD. I know it's a consequence of me being a Justice Junkie and seeing him escape the consequences of hurting me absolutely scot-free. I've found a way to make myself feel a tiny bit better with a story that goes a bit like this:

If Judgement Day comes with a payment plan - let's call it a Sin Tax, payable in consequences or pain - I must be somebody who signed up for the "Up front" option. I seem to pay for all of my sins pretty much as soon as I commit them or immediately afterwards. The upside is that for the most part I seem to have managed to avoid really big interest bills, and I may even have benefited from some discounts. Admittedly, I'm pretty sure my biggest mistakes must've been made using the "Pay later" option judging by how I feel right now, but let's just say that on JD I'm going to be pretty much squared-up.

In contrast, XH must've signed up for the "Pay on the Day" option. I don't believe he has ever seen or felt the consequences of his behaviour towards the kids and me, seemingly sliding through life like a hot knife through butter. He is achieving his goals, making his dreams come true and all without alienating those he really loves (so far anyway). What he did to us appears to have gone entirely unpunished by life, by his sons, or by his friends. Three years out from shocking everybody in our world, anybody he cares about still loves and respects him. He sees as much of his children as he chooses. He does whatever he wants. Life absolutely loves him.

The Karma Bus may come along sometimes to pick up outstanding payments, and sometimes to collect them in advance. I think it's a fairly slow and unreliable service though, and it appears as though some folk manage to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty sure XH is one of those, but if he ever gets in its way, I suspect he'll have to fork out. If he doesn't, his bill on JD will be enormous. I won't care by then. It won't be my problem, that's for sure.

Anyway, developing this story helps me to deal with the rage I feel on the "it's not fair" days. It doesn't always work, and it requires belief in a system that is unlikely to actually exist, but for me it's an aid for learning that really hard life lesson - Life Isn't Fair.


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You are not a nutcase!!!!! You are traumatized for sure.

hey, I don't know if it is healthy or not and I often try to think about why I don't care anymore. Am I truly over it? Or is my mind rejecting feelings over this because it would otherwise be too painful? Don't get me wrong, I rage with anger from time to time too. Especially the other night.

My ex doesn't suffer any consequence either. He got exactly what he wanted. It is what it is. One day he might, like DEVVO said. I don't want him to suffer consequences at the expense of my daughter either, though. He needs to stay with his wife and be faithful to her, because I can't have my daughter going through this again.

Do what you got to do to make yourself feel better and enjoy life to it's fullest. We only get one, and I hate to see that POS rob you of that.

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JujuB Offline OP
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I am definitely on the nutcase spectrum. I lied about my age and twins, but have always been honest about my mental status.

And devvo. Thank you for posting. Justice Junkie is my new favorite word. The nutcase factor does come into play though, cause lets say ex did experience some pretty bad karma - like public shunning or an arrest or job loss or being left alone after sickness. I would feel horrible for him and for my son.

I just want to know that i wasnt so easily discarded by the person i devoted my life to. I want him to live with remorse and regret over me. Thats the only karma i really want.


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Originally Posted by JujuB
I want him to live with remorse and regret over me. Thats the only karma i really want.


I hear ya.

I know there are a few long-timers who think that this will eventually happen. I really hope so.


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So i just woke up with a bizarre dream and want to get it written. It left me crying and disturbed and im not sure why.

In my dream, i woke up and thought i heard my parents coming home. I got up out of my bed, and got scared cause it wasnt my parents, it was my ex. We went into our old bedroom amd it had a different colored rug. My ex was talking to me like nothing put of the nornal. And in my dream, i was thinking that my reality...living with my parents, our whole divorce was just a dream. And i wqs so happy that it was the dream.

Anyway, ex was stumbling around and very drunk amd talking to me as a child would -telling me about his day and friend. He made a corny joke about his friend being a tacoholic. And i was just so happy to hear from him. He sat on my lap (which would never happen. He was almost 2x my weight) like a child and instead of me criticizing him, i was just so grateful for him and i hugged him amd remarked about how skinny he had gotten.

Anyone good at symbolism?


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Just journaling. I know im way behind on being over my ex. Im surviving divorce. Just not thriving. You guys are just way ahead of me. Im not indifferent.

I think my anger stems from
1. He did a lot of stuff that someone should be angry at
2. It prevents me from feeling that deep pain of rejection, discardment, not being loved. Like logically, whi cares about not being loved by someone that did and does such horrible things.

Hes taking son away with his girlfriend and her young child. Upsetting, cause i was the one that always wanted to take trips. He would never have money to go, and i would end up paying to get him to go. When we went, it wasnt even fun cause i would have to wait hours for him to get ready, we would get to places late which is a waste of money. He would disappear all the time. I did all the packing and preparing. (For thisbtrip i will once again be doing the packing, as he does nit really have clothes for son)

My narrative was that ex was headed down for a trip to rock bottom. That drugs and alcohol were his demon and mistress. He had taken so much out of his IRA, had tons of cc debt,. But He has a girlfriend (probably younger cause she has a young child) and is going away places. How can that be?

This hurts me tremendously. He does not hurt. He did not have feelings for me enough to hurt, yet i obviously had them for him. Thats painful. And im having troublenunderatanding how i could have feelings, when he was so bad. He lied and squandered our finances. Will he do that with girlfriend as well?


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You may have told us Juju but have you seen someone to work through all of this? People often have behaviors because there is a pay-off - that is they get something out of it. You are identifying at least part of the pay-off in that it prevents you from feeling the pain of rejection. I'm wondering if it's not coming up over and over again for you precisely because you've not worked through it. From what you describe H did not want to travel,with you. It's not that he doesn't want to travel. That has to hurt. How could it not? I also know it gets harder for you around this time of month. Then you feel better again for awhile but then it cones back. It's keeping you from healing.

If I remember correctly you may have said you've tried counciling but never got help. You may not have found the right help or perhaps you are so protecting yourself from the pain that it's not helping. It's not like it has to be you were wrong and he was right but I get a sense you want it the other way around - he was wrong and you did everything right. It's keeping you from moving on and I hate that for you. It's very possible and just as likely neither of you are 100% right nor wrong. It takes two for a M to succeed or fail. Obviously you can be loved as new guy does just that.

Hope those thoughts help a little.


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Thanks don. Theres definatly a hormonal component to this plus some physiological issues that im wondering if are contributing, and im seeing an MD next week.

I never found help with counseling and i dont really have the time or the desire to spend any more money on it. I find that the really good counselors charge out of pocket and i cant spend like that. (The DB counselor was actually one of the best i ever talked to)

I am still sorting through stuff. My ex left 2015. But i never knew about the double life till maybe late 2017. So im still trying to understand, what the hell happened.

Of course i have my flaws. Im not this care free, easy person to live with. I suffer from anxiety and ive been called a hypochondriac. Ive had body image issues and im that insecure chick wanting affirmations that guys dont realize till a bit into dating me. Im disorganized and i am horrible at domestic stuff. I know that. But i was also loyal, and i am good at my job, and im a rational person and was willing to communicate and be a partner with someone, i was always supportive of ex, and a really good mom to his child. So why wasnt that enough? He doesnt just reject me. He does minimal with his son. So surely, it cant primarily be me?

My view of marriage was that its like family. You stay comitted and make it work, unless serious abuse or infidelity. That all people are flawed and annoying and dysfunctional. Yet because you are family you stay committed. So i am hurt that he wasnt committed. I was not happy in our relationship. He was not a good partner to me. And im having trouble understanding why he wasnt.

But yeah. I know. Hes left. So you work with cards your dealt and thats the key to happiness. I know that logically. Its just a hard thing to actually execute for me.


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Originally Posted by JujuB
My ex is a high functioning addict. But I never really thought of myself as a high functioning nutcase. It kind of fits though. I went through this whole process without anything. No drinks. No meds. No anything. I relied on exercise. I think the answer is for me to get back to exercise.



You have given yourself the answer ju.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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