The only thing I fear from me being distant and not talking, (not pursuing), is that it’s exactly what she wants. It allows her to be free and lose every feeling she has for me because she doesn’t even have to think about me
Do you believe pursuing her and not giving her space would be successful toward a reconciliation? It's a common concern among newcomers, but I assure you the more you pursue and crowd her with your presence.......the more resistant she'll be.
Read and apply the 37 rules.
Below is a copy of how to detach DB style. Detaching is a key ingredient to DB.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures. _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wanting her isn't going to get her. She needs space. Pursuing her removes space, which makes her feel like she has to run harder to get the space. When you make the decision to D, you're right in the thick of the worst feelings about the relationship. Someone trying to make you talk about it is only going to make you regurgitate those negative feelings and reinforce them from repeating them again and again and again.
My W said she didn't like being at home because it didn't feel 'safe' because at any minute, I would start begging her to reconsider. I had to pull waaaaaaay back. Ever since then, she's been more talkative, happier, and more receptive. She's even softened some positions. Nowhere NEAR talking about recon, but baby steps. She needs space to get there. Without it, she's got zero chance of focusing on anything but the things that drove her to drop the bomb.
As for her noticing, you need her willing to talk to you for her to notice, so you need to give her space until she feels safe trying to talk to you. THEN she can notice. Not until.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
I second all the advice already given to you, I was in your shoes not long ago. I read the advice given to me on this forum but still battled with the logic of it, and once I comprehended the logic I still battled with my emotions. Once I started to give her space, when she did not have to worry about me bringing up R talk, the dynamics slowly changed. We reconciled after a 4 month separation (something she swore was never going to happen), my W is happy being W/ me again (she commutes 30 minutes to/from work - when she gets off work she calls me right away and talks to me the whole commute home).
Use this time wisely, listen to what she has told you and address it and then some, become the husband she would be crazy to leave... she will notice.
This forum changed my life (and continues to do so), the advice and view points given up here are priceless. People around you may get tired of hearing about your sitch... but the people here have gone through it, and truly care.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
I appreciate the ample amount of advice. We talked briefly today, about me going to get the rest of my belongings. That’s all. Still giving space. The advice here is incredible, I really appreciate it
If you can tell us more about the relationship since you were first with her, it would help us to see the story. Do you have any idea why your W has suddenly decided she wants out?
What did your W use to talk about when she was upset at you? Did she complain about certain things you were doing or not doing? Why would she say you were emotionally abusive? What does that mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
