Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2752441 07/21/17 09:40 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
S
sophene Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
I've been reading the posts and was feeling hopeful, but each passing day, I'm feeling hurt and sad. I'm still getting used to the abbreviations so please bear with me.

My H dropped the bomb on me in the middle of June, he left to stay with a male coworker on my daughter's 9th birthday after she went to bed (June 25th). He said he needed to cool off for a couple of days. He said he will still come over every night to help with the kids. I did the whole begging and pleading, big mistake on my part, which pushed him further away. I suspected that he's having and EA because I found thousands of text messages exchange between the two of them. When I confronted him about it, he said it's someone that gives him attention. I felt so hurt by his actions because I've remained loyal to him all this time and I thought he would do the same. Anyways, after about 2 weeks of separation, he barely made the effort to spend time with the kids. My son is 10 years old and he's showing signs of depression because of this. I was so hurt by his actions that I threatened to take full custody of the kids.

He panicked and filed for divorced on July 13 and I have 30 days to respond. We saw a licensed marital therapist on July 20, but it seems like he's putting on a face. She told me to be kind and not scold him during this time. I have been very kind to him but I feel defeated and hopeless.

During our 2 weeks of separation, I borrowed DR from the library and implemented the GAL. I went out with some of my girlfriends and he started paying attention, but I keep backsliding and told him that we all missed him and want him to come back home. He keeps saying "we'll see" and says that he doesn't think that I'll every change. I know I have my flaws and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship, but at the same time, I'm so hurt and it's hard to let go and detach. It's so hard for me to concentrate in school and I want to cry everyday. I feel so lonely every night. We have a lot of debt to be paid and I feel like he's barely helping me out financially. I don't know what do to and in the end, me and the kids are the losers in this game.


Me: 37
H: 32
S:10 D: 9
Married: 11 years
Sep: 6/25/17
D filed: 7/13/17
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2752494 07/21/17 03:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Hi sophene


You and your children are not losers in this game. You were loyal and committed. Your husband is not.

The problem is that you cannot make your husband do what he should be doing. No begging, no rationalizing with him, no yelling at him, no guilt tripping. All that will do is bring you down. Trust me, you need to move forward now with your pride intact. And I know how hard that is when your emotions are all over the place. You are angry, and most rightfully so. But also its so foreign for someone to leave the way he did, that you can't help but blame yourself. For not being a perfect wife and perhaps for taking your relationship for granted. Am I right?

Well, I want to remind you that marriage is hard, people get distracted with kids and jobs. Especially when the kids are young. And when a spouse chooses to break his vows and committment, for their own selfish reasons (and that's really what this ends up being about) , please, please don't fall for the crap rationalization and gaslighting they put on you.

All you can do is focus on yourself and your children, and by doing so you guys will come out as the winners.

My advise is to get through this day by day. Like giving up carbs..."it's 3 days and no calls to husband. 4 days and no calls to husband" Write it out for us here.

Figure out what your best moves are legally. He only cares about protecting himself. He was smart to file. And that shows you how it is all about him and that he is putting himself first. You need to do the same. Especially if you guys have shared debt. Very scary stuff and hard to face, but it's imperative.


These beginning stages suck. They really do. There's nothing you can do but move through it. It does get better. Time slowly heals and you won't always feel like this. Vent here. Treat yourself nicely. And maintain your pride.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2752501 07/21/17 04:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sorry you're here,

Your H sounds exactly like mine did the first go around. DO NOT TRUST HIM! I cannot say that enough. Please act like he has been abducted by aliens and he is just a stranger in your H's body. He may come back, he may not. But please if I can help you with anything it is to believe nothing that he says. You must protect yourself financially and protect your children because right now you nor the children are a priority to him.

Your situation is so new, please try your best to not contact your H unless it is an emergency and only respond to him if it is regarding kids or finances. He wants to get attention from his OW let him... let him miss you. Let him see you happy and going on with your life. Fake it as much as you have to, eventually you won't have to fake it. DO not tell him you miss him, let him think you are moving on. I know it sounds like a game but trust me begging, pleading, letting him knwo you miss him will not work.

Good luck!


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2752503 07/21/17 08:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Good advice here. And most of us struggled to follow it in the first few weeks and months, so please don't beat yourself up! Please recognise that you're still in shock and your thoughts and feelings will be all over the place. That's fine...just breathe and take your time before you do anything.

You can't do anything about him right now. You have to focus on you and your kids. Part of doing that is to accept that you don't know what will happen, but you have to deal with what is real today. And then the next day. In the early stages most of us find that life drops down to small chunks because it is all we can cope with...and that's good because it stops us spinning. I think the carbs idea is good...detach even though you'll be faking it right now. Do it anyway. An hour at a time is fine. x


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
S
sophene Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
Thank you everyone for your support, I will do my best to implement the techniques of detaching, healing myself, and be the best parent for my kids. He decided he wanted to extend the divorce process. He says he needs time to think about things. I have a problem of reacting before I think so I really have to work hard on doing that. I believe the main cause of our arguments is because I always act before I think. This makes me feel like I'm a failure as a wife. Since my emotions are super high, I'm always thinking about what I've done wrong.

Is there any detaching technique that anyone can advise so I can focus on my classes? I'm a chemistry major, neuroscience minor and only 3 classes away from graduating. My passion is to do research to find cures for brain diseases such as Alzheimer's, prion, or ALS.


Me: 37
H: 32
S:10 D: 9
Married: 11 years
Sep: 6/25/17
D filed: 7/13/17
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2752598 07/22/17 09:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Like you, sophene, I used to jump quickly to solutions, and talking and fixing. It has been a tough road to retrain myself but slowly I have...I recommend the 'do nothing' for an hour/a day/a week principle along with the STFU smoothie used by others here and the constant mantra 'I don't know'.

You said your H wants to 'extend' the divorce process? What does that mean? What is the impact of that on you and your kids? What do you want?

PS You're not a failure as a wife, or anything else. You've made some mistakes or not done some things the way you wish you had. Doesn't make you a failure, just comes along with being a human and all that x


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
S
sophene Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 15
The extending the divorce process is to extend the response for another 30 days instead of me responding within 30 days the first time around. He says he loves me and not inlove with me. Is it possible for him to fall back inlove if I do this last resort technique? I feel so hopeless and defeated.


Me: 37
H: 32
S:10 D: 9
Married: 11 years
Sep: 6/25/17
D filed: 7/13/17
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Hi Sophene,

Keep posting.

Since you have the coolestt majors and minors around - focus on those. There are also so many mindfulness trainings around and having a neuroscience minor you are going to LOVE the brain training hat mindfulness meditation gives you.
Headspace is a great app.

Disclosure - I'm a chemist, and WISH I had formally studied neuroscience as well (my daughter took some classes), but I find it fascinating.

Focus on yourself. Post here instead of initiating contact with your H. Try to draw a porphyrin like chlorophyll freehand. I cannot - lol.

Mostly, self care is the key.


It's a good sign that he is giving it some time. You can do this.

Last edited by sgctxok; 07/23/17 03:14 PM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard