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Vanilla #2646056 01/22/16 07:47 PM
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Hey everyone, it's been a while again and not much new to report here - I just seem to be in a regular day to day now, which isn't a terrible place to be, but not very dynamic.

V-I used your precious advice when I went to meet my friend. She graciously accepted my apology and we talked for hours.

I updated her on my story, which she was shocked by. I think she though W & I would have worked things out, I gave her all the bloody details as I stopped telling her my stories in January of 2015. She was shocked by this, and I think pleasantly surprised by my actions and movement.

She surprised me also that she had a six week old baby too. How life moves when you aren't watching. I felt a little bad for missing all of the excitement (though she does live in Rio currently (Olympics) and I wouldn't have seen much anyway). She invited me to go out on Friday and then again on Saturday, which I did both. On Saturday I went out to dinner with her entire family and some additional friends too. It was such a good time. She headed back to South America today and I wont see her for a very long time. I hope we can keep some kind of communication.

On Saturday I also saw another friend and her family that I hadn't seen for 10 years. I used to work with her too and she introduced me to her kids as her friend, mentor and had so many compliments about who I used to be I almost choked up. I remember that guy too. I have to find him again, wake him up and see where he can fit into my life.

Since last weekend, there has not been too much action. Busy with work, busy with kids (they are with me now), busy with finances, but I am not panicky about any of it currently.

I attempted to talk about cutting back or stopping my IC sessions, but she easily convinced me that it may be best to keep coming. I do not want to backtrack, so as forward movement goes, I will not make the change.

I will be taking a trip in mid march to visit my (former?) brother & sister-in-law in FL. I have been talking with her almost weekly now, and that's comforting for me too. She doesn't want me to disappear, and says she would love for me to come down with the kids. I have not talked to her much about our situation, it has mostly been catching up about the kids and generally fun stuff. She does know that we are divorcing and that WW went off the deep end, but I have not told any details. I'm sure some will come out while on vacation (I have not taken a vacation in 2 years - and the last one I took was horrible, (It was when I discovered OM and confronted W about their A crazy ).

I think this one will be good. Just D15, S18 and me.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2646059 01/22/16 07:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
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Cali - Thanks for stopping in.
That apology, yeah, it was out of the blue and just a one time event. I was actually worried that I didn't respond enough, but then as there was no follow up by her, I knew that a simple thanks was enough.

I am plodding forward (at a snails pace)

Funny thing about 2016 - you are probably the 5th person to say that "hey - it won't be too hard to have a better year than last" or something of the sort. I think that is true.

Thanks brother - I hope for a good year for you too.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2646075 01/22/16 08:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
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Ah Jelly - thanks for sticking with me and my erratic timing.

Getting out last weekend to visit with my old dear friends was great for me. It was certainly out of my normal pattern, but I wasn't completely uncomfortable either. I wasn't meeting any new people (besides all of their new kids who I haven't met before - but I love being with kids. I felt like the bad-influence-uncle that was having who can crunch the chips the loudest competitions at the restaurant). With all of that company, I didn't really want the evening to end. I sound a bit pathetic, but I haven't really been around people socially for a very very long time.

---

Yes - Amy Winehouse, you can never go wrong there.

So being stuck indoor a lot, I listen to a lot of music - I get board and reach back to some things from my past. a bit melancholy tonight for some reason:

Damien Rice, just about everything, but how about - 9 crimes

Aaron Copland - "the promise of living" (c'mon give it a try)

Brandi Carlile - the story

and then

Bruce Springsteen was in town this week - so how about - badlands

oh - want fun ...... how about everclear - santa monica

Lots of love
u-turn


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2646328 01/23/16 05:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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How is dad and D R going?

Sounds like you had a really thought provoking weekend with great repair.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2646396 01/23/16 10:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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Hi U,

Just catching up on things. Sorry I have not been too present. I think we have a lot in common- we are both less frequent posters. But this especially resonated with me:
Quote:
I actually do have a fear of asking for things from STBX or stating my wants. I still think that it will seem like weakness or she is doing me a favor if she gives into something that I want. I do not want her to do me any favors. I do feel that she takes advantage of the and did so last week.
the dynamic between me and STBX seems very, almost eerily, similar to the dynamic between you and your STBX. You just happen to be a bit further along and your kids are a bit older.

I am always wondering whose sitch is closest to mine. You are definitely not alone here.

Now for the real reason I am writing. I love the game you are playing with JellyB suggesting songs to each other. For some reason it made me think of a song that I love and can't believe that I didn't post it sooner. It's an old one but I think you will like it.

The Grapes of Wrath - All the things I wasn't

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2647962 01/28/16 03:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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U OK?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2648675 01/30/16 08:37 PM
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Hi V.
I am doing alright, I think. I feel like I am just plugging along and being as safe as possible with everything.

My relationship with D15 seems strong to me. When she is with me, we have a great time. She also accepts no as an answer from me when warranted without too much fight. (pretty normal teen stuff).

I hope my trip with them in March will bring us closer. That is how I envision it. Creating new memories of the places that we used to go as a family. I will be visiting W's brother and SIL.

D15 had a choir performance today and both STBXW and I were there separately. She offered me a seat next to her, but it was full of coats, so I sat down behind her. Before they started, I leaned forward and I told her one of my sarcastic witty one-liners about delay. WW laughed out loud. She used to love my sense of humor and I showed her that I still have it.

I helped her carry some of the coats she was holding for the girls, gave them to the girls and we both left without a word toward each other.

I always prepare myself to run into OM & OMW at events at this high school. (It was in their town today). I usually mentally prepare responses to all kinds of scenarios but didn't see them today. Politely introduce myself to her as someone who has some great stories to share and to look me up if she'd like to hear them. Sometimes I feel like I have their fate in my hands and have the ability to destroy their family at any moment. This has been a burden on my mind for almost two years now.

All that aside, I feel as if I am still moving forward, but have so far to go. I still have times of sadness and loneliness when the kids are not with me. I keep myself busy all the time. I have a couple new commissions that will keep the bills payed for the quarter, I have volunteered to run a couple student competition groups at school, S18 and I are designing and building some cool furniture for some past clients of mine (S18 is fabricating and welding the steel for this) and I am teaching D15 to drive.

Sometimes I feel bad for W because she is missing out on our awesomeness. smirk

Thanks for checking in Lady V - good luck with your deadlines

u-turn


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2648927 01/31/16 09:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Posts: 8,855
Your WW is losing out on her family, for nothing but fresh air.

I think this kind of OM has dalliances real and imagined a plenty, and his W is a put up and shut up. Any other kind would reign him in, he has it really cushy. I doubt he would change for a new version, that might clip his wings!!! Or something!

I doubt OMW would hear you even if you used a megaphone, unlikely so I sense you could put that fear to rest.

Rest easy dear U. No apple carts to upset.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2650681 02/06/16 03:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
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Hey U-turn

I hope you don't mind if I stop by your place. It feels like we haven't really connected in a long time. I guess we are both drifting away from this place.

Life is moving on, wounds of loss and grief are healing and closing and scarring up nicely.

In saying that there is a huge lump of grief in my throat today.

I'm not sure what it is but it's there and it's overwhelming and there is no reason for it.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed reading people's pain and troubles and seeing them fight so desperately to have a control and influence over their situation, that in all gods honest truth they have absolutely none. And they fight this fact.

Will the pain of this ever stop U. Not my pain. I am fully at ease with mine. But the people here their pain.

I am at loss to post on people's threads at the moment because it seems to me that to let go of the pain seems to them to let go of the love they have of their beloved. To let go of pain means giving up hope that they will have their lives back. And future, a family. Who wants to pop that bubble, but saying you know what walk away and live your life and it all might come back.

I want to say this is all just a moment in time. It ends all so quickly. Why are we all so scared of just being, afraid of having that conversation where we are vulnerable and openhearted.

Does the fear of the loss of the other, superseed the loss of the self in not fully honoring one's own truth, to provide oneself with release from the pain.

I am learning that expectation and over attachment to another person brings nothing but pain. But true love and connection without expectation and over attachment is divine.

I don't know U, some days I feel like the smallest child in the smallest boat on the biggest ocean, under the most expansive sky. I bob up and down in my little boat, wondering why. It makes me so sad at times. And yet I am in complete awe that we have this strange, odd experience that is life.

U, I didn't know who else to share this with. It is likely too much.

I hope your children are adoring you and I you finding some joy and love in other places too.

If you ever find I'm not around. I am easy enough to find on DB FB. Follow the Hobbit.

So much love for you. You have become a friend and I am happy for that.

Jellyxxx

JellyB #2651041 02/07/16 05:50 PM
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Oh dear JB - mind?! why on earth would I mind? I always love to hear from you - and today this especially made me feel as if I have a friend. We surely are traveling down some of the same overgrown paths on opposite sides of the world.

I am finding myself drifting away here. I guess that is the process that I see anyway. I started here several months after bd completely broken-hearted and obsessed with fixing everything. For such a long time I felt that my ww was different from others and this will pass when she realizes what a mistake she has made. Every - single - day - I waited for this thinking - today's the day she will walk through the door crying and say that she is sorry. I was always trying to control the situation and fix it. It could never have been done. I didn't listen just as most newcomers don't. I clearly made my situation worse by trying. I clearly made myself worse by trying (nearly to the point of being x-u-turn). I was so scared of losing this woman, this family. I was so ashamed of being beaten by OM. I was no longer a man. I could not face this.

When I read the newcomer's stories, I remember and sometimes re-feel those terrible feelings. Sometimes it just opens up those old wounds and I want that to be just ancient history to me.

I felt no peace - none, until she left. and then slowly I have been becoming me, though that guy was always there, just hiding away. When the sh!t really hit the fan it was like I my brain was scrambled and I was locked away - barely functioning. I thought at the time it was happening, I wasn't that bad, but looking back from where I am now, I scoff at that guy, what the fnck was I thinking?

I really do feel like I am healing now and there was no healing until I let go. There was no figuring myself out while living in that situation. In-house separation was the worst thing for me, for us, for the kids. There was barely any movement and the only movement that happened was cyclical.

Now I can evaluate what is broken and what is salvageable. I can attempt to re-build myself and continue being a great father.

I understand that the level of attachment that I had was not healthy for our relationship (i think) but I sure do miss doing this for someone else. I miss having a muse. I miss being loved and sad to say, I miss putting someone else's wants and needs above my own.

I worry about how I have changed. I used to be so trusting, I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now, I am doubtful of peoples intentions so often. I don't want to be this way - though maybe this was a developmental exercise in street-smarts. (ex. S21's gf has waved giant red flags of wayward behavior that I can see - do I warn him? or am I just jaded?)

hey, I spotted you over in fb land - I was going to tap you on the shoulder there, but my page is very old and un-used (even my profile pic is still of w&I - yeesh). I haven't used it since bd, but maybe it's safe for me again???

Sorry for this ramble - and thank you so much for coaxing me out of my cave and sharing some time with me - I am up for it.
BIG hugs and lots of love to you JB.
u-turn


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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