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Joined: May 2012
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Hello everyone.

It's been a long time since I posted and I feel like it's time for an update.

My mum passed away on 7 May. It was, of course, very tough. H was by my side and with me and my family the whole time.

Since then I felt something switch inside of me. Like I had unpeeled yet another layer of myself. In a nutshell I felt really done with the past 5 years of my life. I felt completely ready to put it all behind me 100 percent with or without H. No more drama, no more standing, just...no more. And I can say it was honestly the first time I felt that way so completely since this started - I had no more fear.

In the meantime, H was moving back home for good. He packed up Dubai ( although that also had to do with several bad business decisions over the past 2.5 years) and moved back home. I had heard some whispers of Ex Ow being here and there...H speaking to her.... Having to pack up Dubai as well... Anyway....

I called H before he came back from Dubai and told him I had come to a decision - my boundary for him to come home was absolutely zero contact with ex OW, transparency and the rebuilding of trust. I said I am ready to break the family up for it because I was DONE. No threats, no ultimatums. It was his choice. I respected it whatever it was, but this is how I want to live, and if he wants to be a part of that, great. If not, that's fine too.

He did not like it at first, but that was fine with me. It wasn't the OW, it was that I was putting a boundary. He said ' I have no choice then' I said ' you always have choice, no one is telling you what to do'. ( he doesn't like to feel like he is being told what to do-- who does. But he realized I really was NOT telling him what to do, only what I wanted and if he could not accommodate then that's ok ).

He returned from Dubai about a week after that phone call and before he unpacked I asked him to chat. I repeated what I said on the phone. He said 'yes' I said ' yes, what?'

He said ' yes, I will not contact or speak to OW and if she contacts me I will tell you'. He agreed to be more transparent and rebuild trust.

Since then, it's been calm and warm. We have been alone as a family on summer holiday for the first time in 5 years. He is an amazing father ( touch wood). I can't believe it in fact. I stop and just watch almost in awe. It's awkward to have him show interest in me again. I can't remember him being kind to me and it almost seems weird ( The past 5 years really dominates my image of him and I know that needs to change). We enjoy quiet time together, watching tv shows, chit chatting and spending a lot of time together as a family. We have not been intimate, we do not sleep in the same bed still. He is still a it private and he is withdrawn. He has lost a lot of money over the years, and has made very poor decisions which have left him with not much. He has us though and I think he realizes that finally.

He doesn't talk a lot about what happened, not at all. I know that needs to happen. It's almost like sparing with someone who has come out of a horrific accident and just needs to work through it before they can talk about it.

There is a tremendous amount of respect being accorded by both of us which I really appreciate. I still read these forums and have been reviewing the 6 stages again, and I understand my role is fundamental to his recovery as well. Especially now. Sometimes that is hard because inside my head and heart I want to just shutdown and have someone tell me that everything will be ok. But I know that I am my own person and I don't actually need that. I am strong and independent and wow- have changed so much.

So I am sitting here now having a drink with H as the kids play in the garden. Thank you God. I am forever a believer, and grateful, and humble and thankful.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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I am so happy to read this for you. God is good and I am grateful that you have grown AND have your family back.

God Bless You


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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Thank you Heavy. I have not read your sitch yet, but I hope you are getting through this journey with love for yourself.

((((()))))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
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Busting!

I'm so happy for you. smile And, so glad you came by with an update.

So, the crazy train finally reached its destination? Sounds like you were the one to decided to disembark.

Enjoy. What a long strange trip this has been, huh?

Hugs to you,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather! I just posted on yours!! Lol

It does seem so..although I don't think H's both feet are fully on the platform yet .. :-)

What a ride indeed... Could you have ever imagined...? But you know? I am better for it, and that is something that I will never want to lose again...ME. Xxx


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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Bustingout, thank you for your post! I will need to read your story, it's been a long road for you indeed! It is stories like yours that give us who are in this the encouragement to keep going, to keep improving and to be patient.

I wish the best for you and your family, please keep us updated when you can.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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busting,
I'm very sorry that your mum passed away. It's never easy when you lose a parent or a sibling. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

As for your h, it's going to take some time for him to feel comfortable in his own skin before he'll actually talk about some of the things that went on. Give him plenty of time and space. There will come a time when you will be able to have that talk w/him...but please be patient. Okay?

Please continue to post as we would like to see how you and your family are doing. Don't hesitate to ask questions because reconnection is the hardest part of the journey. Sending you much love and plenty of patience shovels today!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Job :-) it is so comforting to know that you are out there.

I am trying as much as possible to keep a level head and focus on the rationale rather than the emotional right now. I don't think I have really grieved my mum's loss to be honest and I know that will come.

I have so many questions and to be honest, it is the voice of you, J3B, Cadet and starsky I hear when I imagine the responses :-)

I guess my most pressing question is is this 'normal'? Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on the best years of my life, intimacy, adventures, etc, and then I think, does it really matter..?? It will come with time. But How much time? A part of me is very content having my space and own bed but another part of me wants to be wanted by him.

And I also think, why if this is as good as it gets? I suppose a part of me imagined a sort of joy from his end that we were coming back together as a family and a couple. I don't see joy though. No excitement. I am excited inside. My family has a chance..! But am afraid to show it so I don't scare him off. Sometimes I feel like he does not realize just what the hell was actually going on the past five years. He still talks about Dubai as a 'business decision' which is only partially true. He does not acknowledge anything else. Well, that's not completely true. He has said that he knows he has to clean up his mess. He has also acknowledged that he tends to be a 'yes' person and does not want to be that anymore- making promises to people that he can't keep, just trying to please others. I see that as growth.

I suppose more than anything I am just feeling done with this and his crisis. I want to continue growing and learning and living and until he faces it and leaves it behind, it's still there, still a part of me. Is that selfish?

Job how are you? How are you spending your holiday weekend? I hope filled with love and joy. How could you not be though? It is who you are (((()))) xxx


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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OP Offline
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Posts: 2,595
Mleigh4 thank you for your post. I have followed your sitch and felt very close to you at times in your journey. I hope you and your son and H have a fabulous holiday weekend and the BBQ turns out great!

Xxxxx


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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OP Offline
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
When H came to the ICU before my mum passed, my dad said to him ' she was your biggest supporter'.

And it was so true. My mum kept me going and standing even when I didn't think I could. She truly believed in H and in Our marriage and family. God rest her soul.

Sigh.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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