So I get over myself and finally improve myself to be a better person so I can I get over my controlling issues, my depression, and all the crapp that is inside me. Get more motivation to be who I actually want to be bc I have issues with that.
Then and only then I can achieve what I would call a "chance" to find out with open hearts if me and my wife are actually made for each other or not.
What's your thought on what I think?
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
What you just said sounds like you are still focusing on changing yourself so your W will come back. In my experience, that won't lead to being happier. You need to stop thinking about what she did, what she is doing, and what she will do in the future. Make a 180 because you don't want to be the guy you are...not for a reaction.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I have to chime in here too - it's you who you need to focus on. It does not matter if your wife notices any changes or not. You are the priority. Regardless of the outcome you will be a better person.
What you just said sounds like you are still focusing on changing yourself so your W will come back. In my experience, that won't lead to being happier. You need to stop thinking about what she did, what she is doing, and what she will do in the future. Make a 180 because you don't want to be the guy you are...not for a reaction.
I knew the answers myself I'm just not there yet. And down the road I want to be loved the way I deserve it and for who I am too.
She told me she loves me, just in a different way...
Time to focus on myself and myself only
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
What you just said sounds like you are still focusing on changing yourself so your W will come back. In my experience, that won't lead to being happier. You need to stop thinking about what she did, what she is doing, and what she will do in the future. Make a 180 because you don't want to be the guy you are...not for a reaction.
DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!
There might not be anything "wrong" with the guy that you are. But the guy you need to be might not put up with this crap, even for a second.
I can promise you this, you will have to remind yourself of that all...the...time. I'm 15 months from BD and made the mistake more than a little of focusing on W instead of focusing on me. Its a long road, but that is why we say this is a marathon. Keep posting. Just remember think about what you learn here before you say and do things and you will have a lot less cases like today.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I also read Mozzas post multiple time to hammer it in my brain. NO MORE TALKING. I told myself that multiple times. And I ALWAYS catch myself wanting to talk. I was always like that tho. I HAVE TO MAKE A 180. This is it. I'm mad at myself. But guess I'm human after all and real change is very difficult. I do steps baby steps. Not enough. I have to make big steps, and baby steps in my M might/will follow.
My security is on the line big time too. She's the provider, I'm on a greencard. Not much income, house debt, car debt, cheap health insurance through her job, I need to get out of this. I think I made a decision regarding a job. I'll go back to college and become a teacher. I always wanted that and I left college in Germany for her. I have a job with opportunities right now, helping an entrepreneur, I will continue to help him bc I am commited but I'll go get a degree now. Decision made. Sry if I bother you with my life details. But I'm so mad at myself making all these mistakes. I slacked so hard. No freaking wonder my wife doesn't want me anymore. I need to wake up!!!!!!!!!!
Hello complex
Sorry you going through a lot with your wife betrayal and affair, but trust me it does get better with time. I'll share this with you though. Your wife is far gone and nothing you can do or say (now) will change her mind. She will come around when she's ready to do so. she's lust now and in fantasy land ( affair made happy relationship) The focus now should be you and your green-card.
I never shared my experience concerning green card on this forum but I went through similar situation. I came to the U.S. with a student visa (Undergrad and meds school) I had the opportunity to get my green card after completing residency and fellowship at the same teaching hospital I trained (H1 program) not sure if you're familiar with this program but basically your employer file on your behalf. It does take a little longer than spouses sponsor program but you're guarantee to get your permanent residency so far you keep your employment and meet all the necessary requirement for the program.
Together with W eleven month and madly in love when this opportunity was presented to me. In fact one of the most loving and successful relationship I've had in yrs due to time and training. My wife suggested we get married and avoid all the commitment from the new job. She promised to be supportive and do everything for me then. So I decline the offer and took a job elsewhere. My wife soon follow my footsteps and took the mcat. I did everything to help but her scores was too low so she ended up going to med school overseas.
Our problems began the day we both made the decision for her to travel out of the country for school. My green card journey took almost 7yrs due to some stuff my wife kept hidden from her past. I got a temporary green card 2yrs ago and now working on my permanent. Here is the good news complex, you can get your permanent residency card with or without her! So far you able to show evidence of her affair and others thing she did why you guys were married.
Don't allow her push you around using this green card as a weapon. She will do it if you allow her. Stop talking about it with her. My wife did all that and never offer to help. In fact she said she's willing to go to my next interview just to open up that our marriage is over and since our marriage lasted for 9yrs should help me get my permanent lol. Normal script from a WAW. Anything just for you to leave them alone so they can continue cake eating.
Pls do take care of yourself man! All this shall pass. You'll be fine with or without her. Out of our suffering we emerge. Our struggles are really our only hope. Let the hurt soften you instead of hardening you. Let the hurt open you instead of closing you. Let the hurt lead you to love, and not to hate.
