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Faith20 Offline OP
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Really struggling this morning. Some tears definitely flowed and it's been hard to find strength to go outside. I feel like I'm in quicksand and looking to grab onto anything that will keep me from going under, keep hope alive.

I am dreading the new year bc with that I know H will put the pressure on things moving forward again. It's been two months of positive interactions (for the most part) and spending time as a family at least once a week. I fear with the holidays coming to a close all of that will end. And it scares the hell out of me.

I keep reflecting on the fact that my IC said it was ironic that the very day H filed for D he showed up at my door step looking like a broken man. If he was fully certain of his decision I don't see why he would do that.

The hardest part of all of this has been how in one conversation I can hear that he wants to serve me and figure this out, and in the same conversation also tell me he would do anything for me and feels a pull to be back with S8 and I. The confusion is killing me. IC says I need to remain the constant unwavering force in all of this. But it's so hard not to be pulled along for the ride.

I almost wish the ambivalence wasn't there for me to see. Because then I think detaching would be easier and believing I don't have the power to change H's decisions would not be there.

I am also struggling with the fact that S8 is not H's son. How will this come into play in the future? Once I meet someone new who hopefully will also want to be a father figure to S8, this will add 3 "dad's" to the mix. Is this fair for S8? For my future partner? With H's future partner be okay with him playing dad to a child who isn't his? All of this seems so confusing.

I also fear that once H does move on, his time with S8 will grow to be less and less. H already works 24 hour shifts making him gone for days at a time. Add into the mix a new relationship, where does my son fit?

Maybe I'm focusing on the bad and dwelling, but I'm having a hard time not to. When you spend the last 5 years believing in something and then suddenly everything changes, it all seems so complicated.

I really wish H will consider going to MC one last time before we end this. We have only ever gone to 3 sessions and in my opinion, that's barely enough time to even begin working on things.

Ugh-- this is all so hard.


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 78
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Faith20 Offline OP
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H came over tonight to spend time with S8. He asked to sleep on the couch and I agreed. After putting S8 to bed I made tea for H and I and then excused myself for bed as well. Naturally I wanted to hang out longer with H and spend time with him but I do this every time he comes over and thought this seemed needy.

I've been laying in bed for the last 10 minutes and H just asked if we could talk about everything in the next two days and said that he would prefer S8 wasn't around.

I have to be honest, this scares the hell out of me. The last time H and I talked about the M was 3 weeks ago when we briefly discussed possibly trying counseling again. But then the convo ended in limbo and the next day H accused me of talking crap about his brother.

So I would say, positives: I set boundaries tonight and didn't sleep with or hang around H. Negatives: he wants to talk. I've been dreading this convo and don't have a good feeling about it.

Pray for me friends.


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
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Faith, that does sound really scary. I remember being freaked out any time I would hear from my XH - just seeing his name pop up on my phone got my adrenaline going. What you need to do is identify and face your fears. What do you fear about this conversation? What will happen if your H says he wants a D? What will happen if you get D? Really think about it.

One thing I have learned through this whole ordeal is that sometimes, though we are in a place where we cannot fathom an acceptable result other than the one we envision, we have to just have faith that it's possible. For a while, I couldn't even begin to think about how I could possibly live after getting D . . . pfffft. 15 months after BD, I am SO much happier than I have been in many years. I know, I know, I thought the same thing you did - no way, you're different, etc. I am not saying that you SHOULD get D, but I am saying that there are things out there for you that you can't even imagine right now. Just because you don't see them doesn't mean they don't exist. Have faith in yourself and in the universe.

I forgot who posted about never trusting, but to that person: you CAN trust again. It is your choice. You can allow the hurt and betrayal you have experienced to shape who you are, carry it with you forever, and keep you closed off from happiness, but is that what you really want?

Faith, I think you are in the "put my H on a pedestal" phase. We all do it. I think you need to take him down off that pedestal, and you need to be honest with yourself. Is he really the "most respectful" person you ever met? He canceled your wedding on short notice. He shows up to see your S8 when he feels like it. He treats you kindly when he wants sex, and then unkindly at other times. He openly acknowledges that he is using you, HIS WIFE, for sex. He leaves D papers sitting on the front seat in his car?? Is he really so respectful and wonderful?

To answer your question, I stopped sleeping with my X three months after BD. Even though he was stringing me along and throwing me little bones to hint that maybe we have a future together, I was beginning to feel disrespected by the fact that he would invite me over, we would sleep together, and then he wouldn't contact me for 4 or 5 days. I did not feel good about myself. On Christmas, which is the day before my birthday, we slept together. On my birthday, we discussed kid arrangements via text, but he completely ignored the fact that it was my birthday. No happy birthday. Nothing. From someone I had been married to for 11 years. It felt awful.

After Christmas/my birthday, I went on a trip with my kids and another family, and while I was there, I really had a chance to clear my mind. I decided I was not going to sleep with him anymore. Turns out, he never tried again anyway. I later found out that the day before we last slept together, he started texting with this woman (married, ugh) from his gym - day and night, thousands of texts. So I think from his end, he found someone new and didn't need to sleep with me anymore. Shortly after I returned from vacation, he let me know that he wanted to move forward with D.

Faith, you need to keep coming to this board, and you need to listen to the vets. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what is going to help you move forward and get through this.

What are you doing to focus on you? Not on whether H's BIL is moving in to your house, but where you are going to live. Not when or whether your H is going to see your S8, but how you are going to help your S8 through this difficult time. He may be confused, but that's his issue to work out on his own. You need to get off his roller coaster and think about YOUR life, and how you want to live it.

Think about it. If you spend this time (while he spins around in circles) to put together a great life, you can't lose. If your H decides he wants to R, great, he can join in. If he wants to get D, well, then at you've got a good place to start your new life without him. I know you don't WANT to start a life without him, but you don't have a choice, so you need to figure out how to do it.

So, what are you doing for YOU?


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Dec 2014
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Faith20 Offline OP
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Just want to start by saying Melissa, I will respond to you ASAP. Lots on insight there.

Really hard day my friends. My dad picked S8 up this morning so H and I could talk. He came over with D papers in hand. He asked how house hunting has been going for me and I told him about the place I applied for. He told me he has had the D papers in his car for weeks but hasn't been able to give them to me because it's been too hard. He felt he needed to today for time restraint purposes.

H started to cry and tell me that he loved me more than anything but believes we still need to move forward. He said this is the hardest most painful thing in the world to do, but he feels he needs to do it because we, simply, "did not work". I tried to validate when we could and told him how difficult this all must be for him. I also told him that one of the things I've been thinking about is marriage and what it means-- promising to love someone unconditionally. I said that if the only way for me to keep my promise was to divorce him, I would do that. That I just want him to be happy and to find out what makes him feel whole again. I said that I wanted to be the thing in his life that did that for him, and that I think one of the things that caused the most tension between us was that I couldn't make him happy on my own, and a part of me knew that. But the more I saw it, the harder I fought to hold on, instead of just accepting it for what it was.

H talked about how he wants to rent the house out and is looking to buy a new truck and camper, and live out of his car for the next year traveling from place to place. I told him that I thought it would be good for him, and that I hope he finds what he's looking for.

H asked for a hug and we held each other for a long time, both crying. He told me he didn't want to let me go. I know I have talked about setting boundaries in the bedroom, but I ended up ML with him in this moment. As sad as it was, it was also beautiful. We cried, ML, and held each other for a long time.

H made us lunch and we went to REI together. We spent some time hanging out and laughing, trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. But it was rough. And as hard as I tried to fight it, my heart just ached.

We came back to the house and ML again. And then when he got up to go, I started to cry. I don't know what came over me, I guess the finality of it all really hit me, but I couldn't hold back the tears. I know I totally screwed up DB wise, because I probably looked weak and pathetic. I asked him if going to counseling was even ever an option and he said no, that it didn't work (a whole 3 times). He said he wishes that we would have met each other just now, that we would be so great together. But that we couldn't go back. I sat there and said "I guess we'll never get that relationship do-over we talked about" and he simply said, Idk.

He said that as far as sleeping together goes, he feels closer to me than anyone in the world when we ML, but we should take it a day at a time. It complicates things. And makes them confusing. I said okay. But in my heart I know I should not sleep with H again. There is no point if we are headed down this path.

He then told me I was free to do what I wanted, and to go out with some friends tonight and "let go a little". I said I would.

The hardest part of all this is that we truly do love each other. Spew aside, we are best friends, have a strong connection, and care for each other deeply. But for some reason H feels he has to do this. I almost wish we hated each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier.

Where do I go from here? I let go. I move on. I move forward. I accept things as they are and not for what I want them to be. I don't try to change them in any way. It is what it is. Whatever will be will be.


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
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Posts: 1,593
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(((Faith))) Sorry you had such a rough day. This whole thing really does suck, and I am sorry you have to go through it. It's not something I would wish on anyone.

I know it is probably impossible to understand why your H is doing this . . . but you are right. You need to let him do his thing, and you need to do your thing. Do let him go, because struggling to hold onto something that is not meant for you is so very painful (trust me, I know!) and keeps you from moving forward. Start by moving forward, one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, or even one hour at a time if that's all you can do that day.

You will be OK. I promise. Make 2015 a year of healing. A year from now, you will be amazed at how far you have come. ((hugs))


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
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Faith, I am so sorry that you are going through this today, I cant even imagine what you are feeling right now.

It sounds very apparent that you two still have a very strong emotional connection. We will never fully understand what our WAS are thinking or what drove them to this. In your sitch I really cant pinpoint any one thing...but sometimes its just what they feel like they must do. It might not have anything to do with you at all.

Like Melissa already said, let him do his thing, and do your own thing. If he is still something you want, then keep doing you, and he may find his way back to you. I hope nothing but the best for you...keeping you in my thoughts.


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Dec 2014
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Faith20 Offline OP
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Mornings are the hardest. H came over yesterday morning and taught me totally off guard. He took down our Christmas lights and spent some time with S8.

He briefly asked me how my NYE was and I said good. I asked him how his party was and he said "just okay". The truth is, my night was horrible. I attempted to go out with friends and once we got to the bar I couldn't shake the feeling that I was totally alone. I ended up going home by 10:45 and going straight to bed. It didn't feel like the new year, just another hard night. The truth is, NYE will always be bittersweet for me. When H and I first started dating, he slept with someone on NYE and lied to me about it. This started our relationship off on the wrong foot and I wonder how much different things would have been have the resentment and trust issues not been there.

I got a call that my dad was being admitted to the hospital last night for a potential heart attack, so I asked H to stay the night in case I needed to leave. He agreed.

A little later after S8 went to bed I went out to talk with H because I couldn't sleep. I debated doing this because I wasn't sure I wanted it to turn into something more or if I was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. It's hard when the only person in your life who knows what you're truly going through is also the person you're trying to detach from.

We ended up ML and it was different this time. I almost felt a sadness from H and halfway through I told him he didn't have to continue but he said he wanted to. When we were done I also told him that we didn't have to ML anymore and he said he loves it but that it's messing with his head. He said he woke up yesterday morning feeling like a dirtbag, even though he didn't do anything the night before (NYE). This made me wonder if maybe he met someone, or kissed someone, or actually did do something. He seems to be feeling an awful lot of guilt for someone who didn't do anything.

H said he wakes up most days feeling like a bad person. And that he questions the decisions he's making constantly. I tried to validate and tell him that he wasn't a bad person, but this was internally hard for me. I kept thinking that the fact that he had done this to me and S8 isn't necessarily the makings of a good person. Should I be validating hear or acknowledging that his feelings are on point with the situation?

I finished the conversation by saying that I was going to keep my distance from him and wouldn't put him in anymore situations where the desire to get physical is there. He thanked me for talking to him yesterday and for "taking the next step" with him. I said of course. Then I went to bed.

This morning before H left for work he came in and told me to have a good day. Then he just stood at the foot of the bed looking at me for a long time so I finally asked if everything was okay. He waited for a few seconds and then asked "everything is going to be okay, right" and I just said "I hope so". H kind of chuckled a little bit and said "me too". Then he left.

I've been trying to tell myself that if this makes H truly happy, then all of the pain I go through will be worth it. Selfless love. But when I see him doubting or uncertain of these decisions, it's hard to think any of this is worth it, or right.

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. So many ups and downs. So many highs and lows.


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,593
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First off, how is your Dad? I hope it was a false alarm and he is OK.

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It's hard when the only person in your life who knows what you're truly going through is also the person you're trying to detach from.


Yes, it is incredibly difficult when you are having trouble and the person you want to talk to is the one who is causing the trouble. But I think you are fooling yourself if you think that your H knows what you are going through. I highly doubt that. In any event, this is why you need to move forward with your life and find other trusted friends/relatives to talk to (and keep coming here!). Talking with your H about how you feel is not going to be a satisfying conversation for you right now.

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He said he woke up yesterday morning feeling like a dirtbag, even though he didn't do anything the night before (NYE). This made me wonder if maybe he met someone, or kissed someone, or actually did do something. He seems to be feeling an awful lot of guilt for someone who didn't do anything.


Think about it. He just dropped the bomb on you and he knows he is f-ing up your life and your S8's life, and yet he is still sleeping with you and getting pleasure out of your relationship. He is getting everything he wants at your expense. Of course he feels like a dirtbag. The problem is that it doesn't stop him. So I think that is where you need to have boundaries.

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I tried to validate and tell him that he wasn't a bad person, but this was internally hard for me. I kept thinking that the fact that he had done this to me and S8 isn't necessarily the makings of a good person. Should I be validating hear or acknowledging that his feelings are on point with the situation?


Validating isn't telling him he is a good person. Validating is saying, "I can see that you are upset by this," or, "that must be hard." Why would you tell him he's a good person? Let him take responsibility and feel the consequences of his actions, Faith. Stop enabling him to hurt you. Look, if he wants a D, you're not going to stand in his way, but you're not going to tell him that it's OK and he's a great person. Are you?

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I finished the conversation by saying that I was going to keep my distance from him and wouldn't put him in anymore situations where the desire to get physical is there.


You said it. Now do it.

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I've been trying to tell myself that if this makes H truly happy, then all of the pain I go through will be worth it. Selfless love. But when I see him doubting or uncertain of these decisions, it's hard to think any of this is worth it, or right.


I think you have to get yourself out of this mindset. He has made it clear what he wants, so you need to accept that and stop hanging on this idea that he is questioning it. He SAYS he is questioning it and he is confused, and he sleeps with you and all that, but in the end, Faith, he filed for divorce. That speaks greater than any of those other things. Unless and until he withdraws his D petition, assume he wants to get divorced and don't drive yourself crazy wondering about the rest of it.

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This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. So many ups and downs. So many highs and lows.


I never had any idea how difficult divorce was until I went through it myself. Just keep moving forward (without your H!) and you will get through this.

Last edited by melissag; 01/02/15 04:45 PM.

me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 78
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Faith20 Offline OP
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Hi Melissa,

Thank you so much again for posting. Really love your insight here.

I haven't heard from my dad yet but I'm hoping no news is good news.

You hit the nail on the head by saying talking to my H isn't satisfying and that he doesn't know what I'm going through. For him, life is sweet. He doesn't have to worry about any of the financial concerns I have, he gets his cake and eats it to, and he gets what he wants... a D. I hear him talk about his confusion and being lost and it's so hard not to want to hear what he's thinking or how he's feeling. I think a part of me hopes he is hurting, hopes he is struggling. Because right now my pain is isolating, and I feel like I am the only one in my world who feels this way. I'm desperate to find another who is grieving the way I do. I think that's why I spend so much time on here. But even so, I long for that connection with someone in my everyday life.

I guess I just felt like since he seems so sure of his decision and what he wants, I find it weird that he feels like a dirtbag. I would expect him not to feel guilt, to be so certain of his choices that feeling like this is the "right thing to do" would release any of that. I asked him if it was the sex that is making him feel this way and he said "it's just everything". Maybe it's just me, but usually when I know something is right I don't worry about anything else.

Part of me telling him he is a good person has been trying to get rid of his guilt. I had read that the more guilt a WAS has, the harder it is to come home because they are so ashamed. So I was telling him he is a good person because I thought this would ease any tension and give me the best chances it could. It's also hard for me to watch someone I love struggle and not want to help. But I guess I have to remind myself that it's all give and no take in this situation. Everything is on his terms, for his benefit. Why should I continue to feed into that? It serves me or S8 no purpose.

You are right-- actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are saying D. Is it weird that I feel like H is walking off a cliff and I keep running after him telling him to stop, to turn back, that this isn't right? I just truly believe in my heart this is a mistake, that this isn't right. That we are giving up too easily. My IC keeps telling me to remember that this isn't my choice. But I always have this urge, this feeling, like I need to keep trying harder to keep him from making this huge mistake. I wonder if anyone else feels this way in situations like this?

The truth is, I don't know how to be assertive without being mean, or hypocritical. I don't know how to set boundaries without coming across as cold or upset. And I don't know how to move on with my life when I'm still so in love and so committed to my H. I think a lot about moving away and running from all of this. I know it would be cowardly and I know it isn't the right choice to make here. But I fail to see how I can move past this and be happy.

I think a part of my enabling H by telling him he is a good person is also me trying to convince myself that I can forgive him. I am trying so hard not to be swallowed by bitterness, anger, and hate that I feel. I am trying so hard to not get lost in all of these feelings I have that cause me so much despair and just lead to me asking Why? Why me? How could he do this?

So many (almost all of) my friends fuel these feelings constantly by bashing H and telling me I should be so angry and upset. Even my family does the same. And my IC has even encouraged an angry side of me. I'm beginning to wonder if there's truth to any of that, or if they are just poisoning my thoughts.


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
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How are you doing today, Faith?

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I think a part of me hopes he is hurting, hopes he is struggling. Because right now my pain is isolating, and I feel like I am the only one in my world who feels this way.


I think this is a very natural way to think, but in truth, him struggling won't help to ease your pain. You are SO not alone in this - everyone here on these boards is there or has been there. Keep posting and reading.

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I guess I just felt like since he seems so sure of his decision and what he wants, I find it weird that he feels like a dirtbag. I would expect him not to feel guilt, to be so certain of his choices that feeling like this is the "right thing to do" would release any of that.


You are trying to apply logic - and your logic at that - to something and someone who will never make sense to you, because in his shoes, you would not do the same. We tend to think that if only we understood it would somehow help, but I don't think you can understand and even if you did, I don't think it would help.

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Part of me telling him he is a good person has been trying to get rid of his guilt. I had read that the more guilt a WAS has, the harder it is to come home because they are so ashamed. So I was telling him he is a good person because I thought this would ease any tension and give me the best chances it could.


You cannot control what he does. Telling him he is a good person is not going to make him come back. Something that took me a very long time to really understand and accept is that once a spouse gets to the point of BD, he or she is just plain done. So really, IMO, all you are doing is enabling him. Let him sit with what he has chosen.

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It's also hard for me to watch someone I love struggle and not want to help. But I guess I have to remind myself that it's all give and no take in this situation. Everything is on his terms, for his benefit. Why should I continue to feed into that? It serves me or S8 no purpose.


Exactly. Yes, you love him and yes, maybe he is struggling. But you did not cause this and you cannot fix it. You know who you need to help? Yourself. Because you are struggling. Focus on you. Not on him.

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I just truly believe in my heart this is a mistake, that this isn't right. That we are giving up too easily.


The sucky part about divorce is that if one person wants it, it matters not one lick what the other thinks. I too, felt this way. But now I look back and realize that I was just trying to hold onto something that wasn't good for me, out of desperation and fear. I am not saying you will have the same realization, but you just have to recognize that you are in a crisis right now and you're not thinking with 100% clarity. Perhaps your H is giving up too easily. But if he doesn't think so, there is nothing you're going to do to convince him.

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But I always have this urge, this feeling, like I need to keep trying harder to keep him from making this huge mistake. I wonder if anyone else feels this way in situations like this?


I am sure we all do. But what I have learned is that you are only keeping yourself stuck by desperately clinging on to something that does not serve you and is not meant for you.

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The truth is, I don't know how to be assertive without being mean, or hypocritical. I don't know how to set boundaries without coming across as cold or upset. And I don't know how to move on with my life when I'm still so in love and so committed to my H. I think a lot about moving away and running from all of this. I know it would be cowardly and I know it isn't the right choice to make here.


The first several sentences are things you should address with your IC. That's where you can really start to learn and grow. As far as moving on . . . you don't have to move on, just make sure you are moving forward. You can still stand for your M, but move forward with your own life. Get what I mean?

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But I fail to see how I can move past this and be happy.


I know that feeling and I can totally empathize. This is where you just have to have faith. Listen to the vets here, read some stories from beginning to end and you will see how people were able to move forward and grow, and who found that they can be happy, and in many cases, happIER, without their M.

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I think a part of my enabling H by telling him he is a good person is also me trying to convince myself that I can forgive him.


You are nowhere near ready to forgive him. Think of that as something you hope you can do someday, but don't focus on it now. Focus on yourself and living your life.

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So many (almost all of) my friends fuel these feelings constantly by bashing H and telling me I should be so angry and upset. Even my family does the same.


This is where you need to set a boundary. If this is hurting you, tell them that you do not want to hear H bashing. Or that you don't want to talk about it at all. There are certainly some people who I just didn't talk to about my sitch, because I knew I would hear the same kind of thing. In truth, it's kind of nice to have a few people like that, because it's refreshing to be forced into doing something without talking about your sitch for a while.

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And my IC has even encouraged an angry side of me. I'm beginning to wonder if there's truth to any of that, or if they are just poisoning my thoughts.


Like I said before, you are in the "put H on a pedestal" phase. When my IC started to ask me the tough questions (and I started to ask myself), and I started to look at things honestly, I realized that my M was crap and that I really didn't even like my H much. This might not happen to you, but I think that you will at some point be able to see him in a much more objective light. Perhaps that is where your IC is going with things?

You are doing great, Faith. This is hard s**t. Just keep swimming.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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