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NLW - I am sorry to learn that your c were kept in the dark about the passing of their grandfather - its so sad for them to know that they have have no standing within your ex family.

You have given your c love and stability from the start and whilst they know they have 2 families, you are the one that they will look to in the future, they will value that more than anything.

Feel what you feel, its right, but then let it go and help them move forwards from this -

((hugs)) to you

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Thanks Lou, I know you are right... I just feel very shocked that anyone would treat young people who are grieving like this.

I will focus on helping them move forwards, but i worry that this sort of thing is something that scars you forever.

The only reason I can think of for them not to be told of the funeral is that XH didn't want to risk them telling any of his family members that he refuses to pay any child support for them. He is patently not impoverished, so it would be very awkward for him.

On the other hand, maybe they have all just written us off as 'bad' people who XH was lucky to get away from.

Boy this is hard...

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NLW, I’m so sorry to hear that your kids were excluded from such an important “event”. You might be right about your xh’s motivations. As for the family members… you just don’t know what he told them and what they thought. Maybe they didn’t think at all... Maybe they thought that xh would handle it on his own. But, he didn’t. Such an @ss.

Hang in there. Your kids have a great Mom. As for xh and his family… Whatever they did will come back to haunt them. I believe in universe returning back what you send in there… Sorry for the messy post.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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I'm sorry about your dad.

You are an amazing lady. Thinking of you.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I'm very sorry that your children were not informed of the grandfather's passing. People can be so dense when it comes to separations/divorces and not tell family members of deaths, births, etc. because they don't know what to believe by the family member who actually did the splitting up of the family.

The people who walk out on relationships tend to vilify those who were left. Blood is thicker than water and when it comes to believing what they are told...generally they fall in line w/their family member even though we didn't do a thing wrong. Some day, hopefully, they will come to realize that it was him and not you and your children that created his situation.

You are a good mother and do not ever forget that. As for your xh and his family, well...this incident says it all for now...let them go, but pray for them. They need all the prayers that you can say.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bright, Lois, Job,

Thanks so much for your replies, I was really shocked and hurt for my kids.

I find that I still get dragged down into thoughts of "how could XH do this?" every now and again.

One day soon, I will no longer be shocked or hurt. I feel like it will be soon - there's not anything left for him to punish us with. My dad has died - and he didn't even acknowledge the death of this man who was like a father to him. He has cut off both kids financially and emotionally, he has re-married (I think) without telling his kids; he has left the state to live far away (although may have returned without telling us).

We are nothing to him, and yet still I get shocked.

But as i said, nothing much left now that he can do to us.

Your replies have helped me get back to feeling OK about this strange family's reaction to their grandkids.

It is their thing to do with as they wish... and they will now have to play out the consequences. I don't mean this in a retaliatory way.... but what were they thinking? What did they imagine would happen in the future once they'd done this?

Whatever.....

I feel much more like just shrugging and getting on with things today. Back to a focus on us.

S16 has his first school 'prom' coming up next week, and we are trying to organise a suit for him.

S19's boyfriend has a reasonable car, and has offered to act as 'dad' to drive us to pick up S16's date for the before party.

Everything is coming together nicely!

Thanks again everyone for your kindness and support. I wouldn't be able to bounce back so easily without you all.

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NLW - I am so sorry for your losses these past years. i am thinking of you and sending my best thoughts for peace out to you and your children. You are a tough cookie and a survivor. Thank you for posting. Your story has inspired me.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi NLW I am so sorry for your losses this year too. I haven't been reading as regularly as before so I am sorry also that this is coming late.

I want to reiterate what the others have said- you are a wonderful mom. And as I have gotten to know you over the years- I know that you are tough as he!!.

You have walked through it and you are stronger, better, fadter and better for it. You inspire me.

Your children are blessed to have you.

You are beautiful.

(((((()))))))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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NLW - After you posted on Bea's thread I landed here to see if you had an update. My H never filed for D but 2 years later we have all been discarded in a similar fashion.

As time passes their indifference still haunts me but it also reaffirms that H's crisis really didn't center on our marriage. Treating your grandchildren and children that way is not normal when people decide to leave because of marital issues.

Hope life is peaceful for you these days and you've been able to move forward. I am working on it but some days I feel like a snail. Your posts offered me such comfort and I'd like to thank you for sharing.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Wow Gwen, Thanks for getting in touch!

Looking above, it's been almost a year since I last posted on my sitch.

Just to update you - I think I am getting on OK these days.

In retrospect, I think I have probably been pretty depressed at times over the last year.

I had a 6-month sabbatical from work and due to the lack of structure in my day, soon ended up not very motivated to get out of the house.

Once you give in to feelings like those, the spiral into inactivity and isolation can occur pretty quickly. However, I just stuck out the down times and eventually the feelings passed. I am now back on top of things again and interested in life once more.

Money is still tight, as XH continues to refuse to contribute anything by way of child support for either of the kids - who are both students, although now nearly 21 and 18 years of age.

His Child Support arrears now stand at around $33,000. Perhaps one day a miracle will occur and they will get what they are entitled to.

As far as he goes - there has been no contact for a long time. I heard that he had indeed moved to Cambodia to live for a while. So bizarre....

I also heard that he and OW had split up (presumably she didn't want to join him in Phnom Penh!).

Apparently, he is now returned, and living with his mother (he is 46 years old).

He has started another 3 new businesses, each in a different field, and each more fantastical-sounding than the next.

I also get almost monthly calls from a car finance company informing me that our car (that he insisted on taking with him when he left) is going to be repossessed, as he hasn't paid the lease fee. It's a luxury sedan that he needs to keep up appearances. He's paid more for that lease over the last five years than the arrears on the Child Support. But oh, he cares about his children - just ask him!

It's just weird how full-blown mlc seems to strike them.

I am focusing on my kids - giving them as much help to live happy, interesting, fulfilled lives as I can.

I worry, now and then, about how I'l cope when they move out of home and it's just me and the dogs. I'm not really a very social person outside of family.

But I know that I'll manage with the passage of time. That much I'm sure of these days.

Things can be hard - or even seem impossible to deal with. But with time, you mange to cope somehow or another. You might even thrive - if you can just hang on.

So don't worry about feeling like a snail - it happens to us all. Things will change, and you will get there in the end.

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