Help please

[Maybell]

And I didn't really answer the question. Here's one thought:

Seven years ago we left the town where I was REALLY happy to move cross country. About that time I discovered I was pregnant with our third. H hadn't really wanted a third... It was not a planned pregnancy on my part either. Of course he's a joy but one of the first questions H asked after BD was whether I snuck the pregnancy in on purpose. His mom did that to his dad. I didn't.

I was really depressed for a long time after the move. I blamed him a lot. I did not want to be there and I had a terrible time, pregnant, lonely, with a 4yo and 1yo.

He enjoyed the work. Home eventually got better, but then worse again with financial problems. He changed jobs to a company with a lot of partying. Said he didn't like the culture but it also became his primary social outlet. Since the most recent move he hasn't gotten to know a ton of people in our new town and work is still his primary social outlet. Even more now than at the previous company.

Now home is all about the repercussions of the affair and in my view (we realize my view may be suspect) he doesn't have the skills to help repair the relationship. Plus his travel is more glamorous than it has ever been and I've never gone anywhere.

So there you go. Desire, necessity, and avoidance.

[Maybell]

Dancing Queen, if you have a crisis come here. I like you.

But when you rest your barking dogs hang out with the rest of the puppies! We'll still be here when you get back.

Don't know what's going on with your thread.

[Wonka]

Have I been blocked from replying on my own thread?

No. Threads are locked if posts go over the 100 post limit which means you'll have to start a new thread.

[Maybell]

House & money worries have been on my mind lately. I wake up thinking about them and wondering how long we'll be able to stay in this house after the money is separated, worrying about how I'm going to help my kids adapt if we have to move, whether I'd be able to find an affordable place in their small school zone that isn't a fixer-upper, how to sell this house by myself, etc. all that always leads me to reflect on where I am now and how I got in this mess.

I was thinking about how when H was traveling when we were still together, how hard it was to maintain connection with him, how I always wanted him to know he was missed, that his place here was important, that he was loved & needed. When I woke up this morning I felt aggravated that he doesn't seem to care or miss me when he's gone. That all my effort to remind him that we kept his place open for him was never appreciated.

Now On this board I'm seeing lots of talk of co-dependency and how he should be my frosting & not my cake, and I'm wondering if I did somehow turn him into cake when I thought I was working hard on building our life together? But on the other hand, what kind of frosting is he when he travels frequently, mostly plays video games and watches tv when he's home, paying no attention to me, doesn't share what he's thinking or feeling because he says he doesn't know or isn't thinking or feeling anything, and has to be prodded to do anything fun with me or the family?

What is the balance point in a great relationship? How is it different from co-dependence?

[Ggrass]

Threads lock at 100 posts.

[MamaB]

I think we may have married the same man! I always felt so much guilt because my H traveled and I was able to stay home with the kids and not "work". It can create a weird dinamic.

[labug]

Thanks for answering the questions-I know it called for some mind-reading but it takes a certain amount of understanding and compassion for us and our spouse to get through this intact. By intact I don't necessarily mean R-wise, I mean to get through it as a whole, even better perhaps, person.

There's mind-reading that tries to give a meaning and a crafted response to everything our spouse does and then there's understanding born of many years together. That usually culminates in "OK, I see how we got here, now where to I go from here?"

Often what we see and begin to understand, if we let ourselves, is that some big issues belong to our H. They're things we can't fix. Yes, we have our stuff and we should work on that but all the problems in the M aren't ours. We can take 100% responsibility for our 50% but no more.

Armchair psych 101, worth what you pay-people who do things to excess, be it substances, work, sex, affairs, video games, fixing, hovering, controlling are attempting to fill up some hole in them. Only the owner of that problem can fix the problem. It's so early in your sitch that you don't know what your H will do, let this unfold if you have the patience. He seems to want to work on things but he's lost right now and probably has a lot of guilt. Right now I wouldn't spend too much time wondering if you really want to be in the marriage-that answer will surface in due time.

About the house and the kids and schools, etc, don't borrow trouble. Truly try to take this a day at a time because you don't know what the next hour holds, let alone 3 months down the line. I've had the benefit of a few more years of doing this and I can tell you that most things I worried about (in and out of the M) didn't come true and those that did were handled once I got there. Worrying wouldn't have changed anything.

I'm not saying don't acknowledge that you have some fear around these issues but don't get caught up in the fear. Figure out where the fear comes from and is it rational. I, too. was worried about selling the house. It scared me to think of having to do all that on my own, packing, moving, blah, blah, blah. But when I really focused on what I was feeling, I was angry at H and afraid I'd somehow mess up big time with the sale.

So I let myself be angry for a while, called him lots of names in my head and then knew that wasn't helpful and let that go. Fear about messing up the sale/moving was also baseless, my RE agent is a very good friend, she wouldn't let me do something stupid. As for moving, I've done hard things, including moving, I could do it again.

In simple terms, I quit playing victim.

Your fears may be different, just don't get stuck in the fear. Go further.

DBing is simple, it's not easy but it is simple.

Let him go, let him face his demons if he has that ability. Don't interfere with his process.

Create a life that you want. Move furniture, throw stuff out, eat cereal for dinner without guilt, take a painting class, get a weekly massage, take long walks, fly a kite with the kids, do belly flops in the pool. Let go of the life you thought you had and create a reality-based life.

Will there be sadness? Yes. Will there be giggles and moments of ahhhhhh? Yes. That's life.

You seem like a smart, resourceful woman with a sense of humor. You will be fine, some of this may hurt like he!!, but you'll get to the other side.

Just don't take your baggage with you.

Dig out the Maybell you were before you got married. Get to know her again.

[Maybell]

Labug, WOW. Thank you that was exactly what I needed to hear.

Yes, H has said that most of the problems are his, not mine. OW muddies the waters a lot, definitely for me and most likely for him as well. I really, really like your suggestion that I have patience and let things unfold before I feel like I have to make a decision about the M. Just putting that aside for now takes a lot of the pressure off. It's also helpful to think that I don't necessarily have to reinvent myself, I can just fine tune.

The changes I've made that I think would help the R (if we ever have one again) have made me a calmer parent and more comfortable saying no to things like requests for volunteer time that I may not be super excited about. At the same time I've said yes to things that excite me, and drawn some much-needed boundaries with my mom that have helped me feel more whole. So all in all I'm probably in as good a place as a person in my position could be.

The thing that stings a bit about this is that I was definitely not this comfortable with myself before I married my H. He has had a better opinion of me than any person who ever knew me. Because of his ambition (and sometimes because of his deficiencies) I've had to learn to do many, many things I would never have attempted as a single woman, and although the things I've done aren't earth-shattering, they have built me up hugely. So I'm in touch with a much better version of Maybell than the 24 year old version. The uncertainty around house, money, husband, kids aside... I'm oddly happy and at peace. (Perhaps with the caveat of "for today")

Labug, thank you so much for having exactly the words I needed on the right day. I'll be going back to them every time I need them.

[labug]

About the person you were before, we all have dreams/interests/activities that we let go of a bit when we get married and have children. Those are the things you can get in touch with again, your passions, the things that make Maybell, Maybell.

Have you read This Is Not the Story You Think it Is? It's a good read, I think it's a bit simplistic but it helps to see the mindset in action.

[Maybell]

D11 is in a post-sleepover fit. Ugly behavior got her iPad mini (H's purchase pre-separation) taken away, and then the iPod. Then she was told I wouldn't be buying an app she had asked for (she was going to pay for it, I just was going to input the password). She said she would just ask Daddy to do it. I said I'd let him know that her behavior meant she couldn't have it. She said, "So? He never listens to you anyway."

Ouch.

This is a temporary state of things. By bedtime she will be fine. The parenting struggle is one I've had with her since she was 4 (since the time of the move that started all our problems), it's something I've been seeking help for since then and have only in the last two years or so found some solutions for. The trouble is, to a certain extent, she is right. He & I have a fundamental difference in our approach to parenting that has been a source of conflict for many years now. I'm stricter and more consistent; he'd rather just make the kids happy and keep the peace in the house because he's extremely conflict avoidant. Since I'm the primary caregiver by a long way, it has only been a sporadic source of trouble.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not going to let an overtired, hormonal eleven year old girl get between me & H... but the fact is, it hurt so much because there's some truth to it, and because I don't like the implication that has for HER future relationships with boys & men. That makes me even angrier with him (on Father's Day! Not that that matters because it's the middle of the night where he is).

I know, I don't have to trouble myself with deciding whether or not to stay married to him at this time. Divorce won't change our co-parenting relationship and will certainly make it more challenging. But the underlying conflict makes me so angry with him. It makes me want to just deny him EVERYTHING. He never even gave our difficulties a proper chance to be resolved. If he can't think of a solution off the top of his head then there is no solution, as far as he's concerned.

(she just came in and spoke nicely to me and gave me a hug and a kiss...)

One day after insisting I was fine and happy and in a good place I'm sitting here crying again. I'm so angry with him. He has never been a help to me in solving parenting problems and in fact sometimes has made them worse. Now my own daughter thinks he's doesn't respect me, and I'm sure that scares her some.