Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

I think my other thread has been locked.

I am not that great with computers how do I bring my previous thread over for reference to this new topic?

[Cadet]

Heres the link to your first thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...353#Post2397353

[nit84]

Thanks so much Cadet!!

[labug]

Brought this from your previous thread.

The reason she goes to the gym so much also could be a possible A. No concrete proof but signs sorta point to it. I am choosing to let it go for now till I have a better handle on this

You've said something similar to that several times. It's a big accusation. What signs are you talking about?

If she is, is it a deal breaker?

[nit84]

Ok Here is last night and this mornings goings on.

Last night I was cleaning up more of the room I am sleeping in. I came across two storage containers the top one was filled with things from our Honeymoon the bottom one had my W wedding dress in it. These haven't been touched since right after our wedding I'm sure. This bedroom has been a room where everything just has gotten thrown in there. Many times we both wanted to clean it but we were just lazy.

Anyways, seeing these things really threw me for a loop especially the wedding dress and pictures. I had a good cry, then got angry, then leveled out.

I told the wife right after the S I would clean that room and donate all the clothes. She has always been on me about never being able to throw away clothes. They all seemed to have a memory attached I thought. She said don't worry she would do it. Well, when I returned home after 6 months at my Parents the room was still not cleaned. That is why I am doing it now. Maybe going through the room like I have been would have been too painful for her and that is why it remained cluttered during my absence.

I stopped cleaning that room and did other things to get my composure back. When the W returned home she mumbled something about all the lights being on I was in another room so I know she wanted me to hear but not respond.

When I do my dishes if there are some of hers there that need washed then I just do them it isn't a big deal. The W told me not to do hers she can get them. She told me this while on the phone with somebody. That is pattern I have noticed with her since the S, if something is bothers her she waits until she is on the phone to say something to me. This has happened 3 or 4 times since I have been back home.

This morning I went to empty the garbage like I have done every week since returning. She told me the compactor wasn't full enough to empty yet. I said alright how do I know when it is ready to be emptied for future reference? She said She just knows. I said ok and went to take the trash to the curb. When I got to where the cans are they were already taken out to the curb. I went back upstairs and thanked the W for doing this through a closed bathroom door.

Upon leaving for work I noticed the driveway could use a brooming off of snow. I started to do this when W came out to start her car. She said "I don't think you have to worry about that" I said "No biggie its now or later so it might as well be now."

I guess what I am struggling with is. My W has always thought I was lazy and didn't help around the house. This was partly true I am embarrassed to admit. I changed that about two years ago and started helping more. I did not however do some upgrades to our home for a couple reasons, minimal extra money and lack of skill and patience.

The pattern we fell into in our M was if I thought she should do something and didn't I would attempt to do it. She would I guess take this as a slap in the face and would get angry and say "leave it I will get it" then I would respond "its not a problem" she would get more upset then I would just go to another part of the house and tell her "Ok fine then do it." Unfortunately, she wouldn't do it and neither would I so it did not get done and it built up resentment on both our parts.

My question is my 180 on this is to do things. Help around the house and start some upgrades. She seems to be getting upset that I am doing these things and is beating me to the punch so to speak.

I am no longer going to allow myself to get frustrated with her when doing chores or upgrades.

I think the 180 is working but I also can tell by body language and attitude that she is upset about me doing all these things.

If she confronts me about this how should I react? If she does confront me I think she may parlay this into talking about other R aspects. I am a bit nervous if this happens and don't want to mess it up.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

[nit84]

labug,

It is not a deal breaker.

I think the signs are her unwillingness to attempt MC, Going to the Gym 2 times a day everyday, The interest in the gym has steadily increased since the S. Before the S she was mentioning a particular trainer she was working out beside a decent amount. I supported her when she spoke of him because she was losing weight and he seemed to be helpful and was not charging her a training fee

Other friends who use that Gym say that he has a child and might be M or have a girlfriend. Not that that matters but It could make an A with him pointless if she has designs on remarrying or having a family. I am choosing to trust her on this.

Back in Oct. I did tell her I thought she was acting as if she had someone already or had someone in mind. She said if she did she would have had him moved in and paying some bills because she had no job.

I haven't mentioned anything since.

[nit84]

labug,

Another thing is certain posts she puts on Facebook that people tell me about. Also, she was seen having lunch with this trainer a couple of times by family members. She has talked to them and given my family members hugs while with him but has not introduced him.

Also, as far I know he does not have a job other than training people at this Gym. It is rumored that he lost his steady job before our S. This was told to me by friends not by W.

[AnotherStander]

My question is my 180 on this is to do things. Help around the house and start some upgrades. She seems to be getting upset that I am doing these things and is beating me to the punch so to speak.

The problem is that she no longer wants your help, and your efforts are seen by her as "too little, too late." She wants to prove to herself that she can do everything without you and you're interfering with that (from her perspective). Also she thinks these are just tricks to get her back after which you'll fall right back into old behavior. That's why we say it takes lots and lots of time. Consistent changed behavior over a long period of time is what will convince the WAS.

If she confronts me about this how should I react?

My W did exactly that, and I told her that I knew she was moving out and that I needed to be able to do everything myself, and I wanted to do that while she was still there in case I had any questions for her. I also told her that I wasn't changing to try and get her back, but because she had opened my eyes to problems I didn't know I had and that I wanted to change those things for ME.

[AnotherStander]

It is not a deal breaker.

Then the rest doesn't matter, you're just driving yourself crazy with the spinning. To this day I don't know how involved W is with OM (she's always insisted they're just friends), but I was doing all that spinning to. I finally stopped and asked myself if it was a deal breaker. I decided it wasn't, that I would DB regardless. So at that point I assumed the worst- PA. I spun into a dark place for a few days as if I had actually walked in on them, but then after that I let it go and I've been fine ever since. Since deciding that it was a PA, I've never had the urge to snoop or dig or ask questions. Not sure if that would work for you but think about it.

[nit84]

AS,

Seriously Awesome advice!! Thank you very much for keeping me grounded!!