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KAW,

I've stopped by a few times in the past day or so and didn't know what to say...I still don't know what to say other than you rock!! so keep that in mind...be the best KAW you can be...let w sort the crap out...and hope for the best..but know that no matter what you've got the power to be happy right within yourself...

LL

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Thanks LL. I, too, wish I knew what to say that would help with your struggles as well.

Jethro, not much new this week. W is still being very obvious about remaining distant to any signs of affection and doesn't initiate any. She will engage in friendly converstion, however. One evening D17 dropped by for a visit. Her BF is interested in a job position I have open in my department, so she had filled him in some about what the job was about with some exaggerations thrown in. These gave W some good laughs. We had a really good time.

W has been having a couple of stressful days at work, so I offered some sympathy hugs, but you can sense didn't have much effect on her, so last nite I picked up a floral arrangement in a mug with all kinds of words that mean hugs with a little stuffed bear hugging the handle to replace my physical hug as a sign of support. When I placed it in front of her (she was sitting at the dining table doing some work related paperwork), she said, "That's nice" and looked back down at her paperwork. She did, however, accept a back rub afterwards.

That's about it ... so the big tip here is Roadtrip ... well it is a holiday weekend and I did ask her what she would like to do and her reply was "absolutely nothing." ... so maybe I need to take my 4x4 offroad this weekend, altho they are saying rain pretty much thru out the weekend. If so maybe, I'll take in a movie with D9. If W want to join ... fine ... if not ... fine too. At this point it really doesn't matter to me either way.

So Big-j, thanks for the show of concern and wish I could join ya for that beer as well.

Same goes for you Bridget ... would luv to visit your beach, but its more like 3000 miles and couldn't swing there and back in three days. but I do appreciate the invite. I do wish I had friends like you "guys" close by.

Bob, my family is closer to your neck of the woods than mine just outside Myrtle Beach. My parents do keep a summer home in Vermont, so I'll be able to see them in a couple of months.

... but I'll be fine. As the song goes ... Don't worry ... be happy. 'Dis is gonna have to be my new motto.

'til later,
KAW

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KAW:

Sure hope the weekend goes well for you. A movie with d9 sounds great if the weather turns out to be bad. Maybe a Blockbuster weekend at home with W and d9? See ya.

bb

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KAW..thanks for checking in on me..that means alot..

Sorry though that things are not going too great with you..
Beleive me I know the wondering thing..the signs that something is not right..
But..(unless I am really being taken big time for a fool)all my snooping..accusing..making myself sick proved that h was not really sneaking around..he was having something with the ff..but not an a..I don't care how many times people say it...just becasue two people are close friends..supporting each other..talking to each other..DOES NOT MEAN AFFAIR..again maybe I am the blind stupid one here...time will tell with my m..I am only saying to think about what you would say to your w in regards to the cell number..think it all out..I know that you have the patience and wisdom not to jump into something could really set everything way back..

My thoughts are with you..

Sue

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Jeez KAW, seems as though many of us are having some challenges these days. I hope you had a nice weekend and that your W has decided to come around a bit. Stay strong, my friend.

jethro

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Unfortunately, Jethro, it wasn't as good as I would have liked. Still very unclear where this R is heading. W is still pretty much in a funk and said the weekend sucked but personally there were some high points for me.

Saturday, W & I had come down with colds, so laid around much of the day. Did do quite a bit of reading. Played a game of chess with D9. She's getting pretty good.

Sunday, we went out. D9 wanted to go to new Marshalls that open this last week. Shopping for girls clothes isn't quite my thing, but did the best I could to offer input. Strange thing is I was the only one that didn't walk out empty handed ... I got socks! After going to various stores, we past near a Chrylser dealership. Lately, W has been mentioning how she wants a Wrangler. I mentioned we should look, to which she replied, "You would never let me have one!" I responded, if we can afford it, you can drive whatever you want and suggested we see what was at the dealership. Unfortunately, they only had two and they both were black. After that D9 & W wanted to go home.

Kept busy at home, worked on the truck, baked some corn muffins, help W with some computer work for work. After diner, I set up in the bedroom to get ready to watch the Nascar race. She came in, settled down on her side of the bed and started sulking.

Usually, I can recall what was said during our conversations but this one turned out to be emotionally draining, so my recollection is poor. Basically, I approached her with how she's been acting for the last week and she broke down in tears. I embraced her and told her to let it out. She cried for nearly a half-hour before talking, but it was her usual cryptic garble. It sound all very familar to what I heard last year. Basically, I could sense she wasn't going to come right out with it, but I sensed she want me to ask her directly. I couldn't! I felt if I did, the conversation and our R would end up with a sense of finality of being over. I figured if that is what she wanted, she would have tell me on her own. So I did a 180 myself and remained quiet other than validating her. When she asked a direct question about what I was thinking or why I was quiet, I remained as cryptic as she did. This threw her a bit. She is use to hear me say what is on my mind. Not this time. Let her wonder some what I am going thru.

Monday, it was raining again. W woke up with a massive headache that remained with her all day. I help D9 sort thru her clothes to see what fits, put away winter ones, make room for new ones. (She's growing like a weed!) Did the laundry. Paid some bills. D9 & I played some more chess. Burned a couple of CD's with custom mixes. At one point after W woke up from napping, when D9 was busy watching some TV in the living room, W started showing me some attention and one thing led to another ... . ... but not long after, W started sulking again and said that was a mistake! After that, I distanced big time. Came dinner time and W said she was hungry but to lazy to make anything. I said, I would help. I started heating up some dogs and beans. She came out and put some fries in the oven. Afterwards, she started cleaning the dishes, just as I took a call from D17. Then I came over to help rinse. She said I didn't have to. I said I know, but I wanted to help. She replied, I don't want you to feel obligated. So it seems some of my scorecard mentality has rubbed the wrong way. Later on, she wanted to shave her legs. I offered to do them. (Actually, I've been doing them since last summer, but in the last couple of months, she would do them without letting me know she wants them done.) So she said she would do the bottoms and if I wanted she let me do the tops. She seemed a little apprehensive as I shaved, but I was the perfect gentleman...

From here on out, I am going to continue to help in all her daily tasks, but this time I'm going to try to tear up my scorecard and not expect for her to want to help me in my tasks ... not to ask anything of her. Hopefully by doing this, she will consider that things are not so bad at home and maybe then she will be willing to voluteer her assistance.

Any input and insight would be welcomed...

'til later,
KAW

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Kaw,

I noticed that once I stopped keeping score and doing my stuff my W started to notice that I was doing things to do them not becuase it was my turn. In turn I noticed that it helped me start to be more loving. I wasnt always mad that she hadnt done this or that. It mellowed me a lot.

Lee

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I agree. It's harder now that I'm seperated, but I don't keep score and that's helped. As a matter of fact if I was keeping score I'd be mad now that I think of it, because I've pulled ahead about 100-0 in the past month.

The point is, you just have to be the best H you can be. Create your own good karma and know that it will come back to you someday, maybe not in the way you expect, and maybe not immediately...but it will come back. I'm a firm believer in that concept. In fact, having the bomb dropped on me was probably the result of all the bad karma I've built up over the years. Anyways, not to get too philosophical on you...but you get the point.


A dream it's true But I'd see it through If I could be Wasting my time with you -Band:Phish Song:Waste
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KAW,

Man, your W seems very confused.

I think you have the right idea now. No more score cards. Think of it this way, if you're keeping score, then you are trying to win, and there are now winners or losers.

Heres a thought that I think might help out a bit. If your W starts to do something and you tell her you will do it and she tells you that it is ok, let her do it, dont persist. But on the other hand, dont set back and not do anything, just if you get to it first go for it, if she gets to it first, let her do it.

Just a thought. I think it might help cut down on some confrontation and she might be able to relax more.


FLoyd
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Hey KAW. I have a few random thoughts...

Quote:

"You would never let me have one!"

She came in, settled down on her side of the bed and started sulking.

I approached her with how she's been acting for the last week and she broke down in tears.

W woke up with a massive headache that remained with her all day.

W woke up from napping

W started sulking again and said that was a mistake!

she was hungry but too lazy to make anything.
KAW, I pulled out these quotes because they tell me your W remains in this bout of depression. Maybe this is the source of all of the difficulties lately? She just seems so sad and unmotivated. How is she doing with her meds? I know that you made some mention that you wouldn't remind her anymore to take them or pick them up at the store, but... Also, it's interesting that only just a few weeks ago, you had a nice talk with your W and she seemed to be trying a little harder on your R. Then, all of a sudden, she's done an about-face. What's that all about? Depression? Counseling?

Now to the nitty-gritty...

Quote:

She cried for nearly a half-hour before talking, but it was her usual cryptic garble. It sound all very familar to what I heard last year. Basically, I could sense she wasn't going to come right out with it, but I sensed she want me to ask her directly. I couldn't! I felt if I did, the conversation and our R would end up with a sense of finality of being over. I figured if that is what she wanted, she would have tell me on her own. So I did a 180 myself and remained quiet other than validating her.
KAW, I can understand you hesitating about asking certain questions, but it seems to me that your W expects you to take the lead in many situations between you two...and perhaps she wanted you to take her cue. I'm just not sure that it does much good to hold back on bringing up certain subjects. You know, whatever it may happen to be about, you'll have to deal with it sooner or later. Wouldn't you rather address it now before things can potentially get worse?

IMHO, we're in a different spot when Piecing. In our cases, most of our Ses have recognized the wrongs they have done and are trying to atone for those wrongs and move forward with us. However, as we both know, to do this requires effectively communicating, which your W seems to have a difficult time with. I think it might benefit you to take advantage of those opportunities in which she's ready to talk. Who knows, maybe her "issues" lately having little to do with your R, but just that her depression is getting to her.

Like I said, KAW, just my humble opinion. You are a DB master, but in this case maybe being more "assertive" is the answer rather than acting "as if?"

jethro

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