WAW or MLC Not sure... Left without saying much

[Groov]

Wanted to Start this thread:
This is my original post on 9/16

I am 35, on July 25, 2013 Wife dropped the bomb as I was on the way home from work. I called her to see if I needed to stop by the store and pick up any needed items for dinner. She told me she wasn't at home and said she was leaving me. I first didn't believe her and thought she meant by leaving she was going to spend the weekend at her Sisters. Well.... it's now almost 2 months later. After the first few days into the next week it really started to sink in and I was devastated. I begged, I pleaded, I promised change! Nothing worked. I found DB and DR at the end of the second week she was gone. I have been using the LRT for the past month. I see some signs of improvement. But its hard to know if I'm making progress. We have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. I have contact with them daily as My wife calls to have me say goodnight to them. My wife is 32, I am 35 and we have been married for 12 years. I need all the help I can get. I have read DB and DR multiple times and am working on GAL, and LRT. I am planning on Phone coaching soon. I wanted to refine my goals first. Please help!

Its now a few weeks later... I have been spending every weekend with my kids. Every communication is positive with WAW. I talk with the kids every night to say goodnight and have a goodnight prayer. WAW has been living with her sister, They just finished a remodel on the basement and W moved down there. I thought it would be nice to pack her some memory foam pads (her back hurts) and a few things from our condo. I told her I had a few things for her. She apparently did not appreciate my sentiment, as she said she would like to come and get a few things she wanted. I happily agreed and was supportive and offered help. While I was at work she came with a couple of her friends (Menhaters from current and bad relationships) and took half of the stuff... No discussion or anything... When I got home at about 10pm to a half empty but clean place . I called her and let her know that I was surprised at the amount of stuff she took. I was confused why she took all the cookware without having a kitchen to put them in. Anyway that doesn't really matter other than I believe her friends were egging her on to take half the stuff. She took the shotgun and all the mops and vacuums. Don't understand it... I expressed disappointment that she felt like she couldn't sit down with me and discuss how this was going to go down. I did share appreciation for leaving the place clean. This is so unlike her!!!

I can't decide if this is a MLC or a WAW, I need help with this. She has told me before that she is not happy with her life and she blames me for not making the changes that would cause her happiness. I didn't see this coming. I believe she is seeking her identity and independence. I know that I have a controlling nature but am not mean about it. But when questioning everything I can see how that is a form of control. Another complaint is that I only want to do things on my time (controlling...) She has reprogrammed our past and only see's the negative. I have been using LRT, GAL and focusing on me. When I do interact with WAW I am positive and attentive, I Listen and reflect. The biggest complaints I hear from her now is that she doesn't believe I am being honest as I have been so positive for the last month. I just seek to listen, understand and reflect.

I have finally come to a place where I am not waking up at 4am in an anxiety panic anymore. I have been going out with friends, taking classes, Worshiping at our temple and doing game nights at a local gamestore. I bought a wardrobe of new clothes, replaced the cookware and vaccuum and am not being as responsive to her texts.

What I have learned not to do:
-Question anything that would threaten her independence.

What I have been doing that is getting small results:
-Staying positive no matter what
-Listening and focusing on what she is willing to share
-Taking good care of the kids and anticipating their needs
-Not being responsive to her texts.

She's a hard read as we never really fought or got angry with each other. I did tell her this "I believe that being apart and separated is not the answer to our problems, nonetheless I love and respect you enough to let you go if that is your choice." She replied "Thank you" I then replied "Thank you for the wake up call" Which she said "You know that really rubs me the wrong way!" I believe she has resentments that it has taken this long and she has gone through all this stuff for me to get a wake up call. I Quickly changed the subject and that was that.

Currently as of this last week. She has shared with me appreciation for taking good care of the kids. D6 S4 were with me this past weekend both had fevers and were sick.

An interesting thing occurred that my daughter told me: She said that W was dreaming, rolling around and calling out my name then gave daughter who was sleeping next to her a big hug. D6's Reply was "Mom I am not Dad gosh!"

I find a glimmer of hope in this. But am currently left to my Patience, PMA, Active/reflective listening, LRT and GAL until she is ready to reach out to me.... Thoughts?

[KarenR]

Hi Grooveshadow,
I am glad you found us. I am sure you will get helpful responses to your post. However, I hope you can speak to a DB coach, so that they can help you come up with a plan that is more likely to get through to your wife. If 'you being contolling' is one of her complaints...you might want get expert advice on what works and what doesn't pertaining to your situation. The books have excellent information, but there are layers of issues here that an expert can help you navigate. Take good care.

[Accuray]

Groovshadow,

Do you have any specific questions or are you just looking for support? Your best bet here is to give her lots of space and not pursue her at all. Just take good care of yourself and the kids and treat her as you would a friendly co-worker and no better.

No relationship discussions, no intimacy. If she asks how you're doing (which she's unlikely to do) your answer is "great!"

Acc

[2stubborn2quit]

Looks like you have everything under control and you're on the right path. WAW are difficult to understand so don't spend too much time trying to analyze every action.

[Groov]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice! I really am just seeking validation that I am doing the right things. It's easy to 2nd guess things especially with all these emotions.

KarenR, I have had two coaching sessions and am looking forward to the next one. I have a lot of homework to do and its hard to be patient through the separation and the limited contact. I do have a lot to be greatful for though!!!

Accuray, I am looking for support and also am so new to this that I am sure I'll have questions. I appreciate the experianced advice and validation that I am doing the right things. She has asked me how I am doing a couple of times. My typical answer is "really good". "Great" is better! Thank you for the help.

2stubborn, Thank you for your post, I have definately been analyzing every action!!! I think it's a being impatient thing. I am glad you think I am on the right path, I am hoping for the best odds possible.

One question I do have: The kids... How do I navigate the DB path with the little ones?

[AnotherStander]

I have been using the LRT for the past month. I see some signs of improvement. But its hard to know if I'm making progress.

First, if you are seeing signs of improvement then you're making progress. Remember what MWD said in DR about baby steps, this is all about the baby steps. Don't expect any big moves. Second, you've got to be far more patient. It will likely take a year or more before things start to turn around.

I wanted to refine my goals first. Please help!

You've got to post them before we can help you refine them

and took half of the stuff... No discussion or anything...

That's just as much your fault as hers. When my W said she was going to come by and "get some stuff" I asked her to come over beforehand and sit down with me to discuss exactly what she was planning on taking. It took a couple of hours of negotiating before we came to an agreement on everything. There were many surprises on what she wanted and didn't want, and she too was surprised at some of the things that she didn't think I cared about.

I can't decide if this is a MLC or a WAW, I need help with this.

Doesn't really matter, but probably WAS. Your approach is the same regardless, work on YOU.

I know that I have a controlling nature but am not mean about it.

That doesn't make it any less wrong. How are you doing a 180 on that? What other 180's are you doing?

The biggest complaints I hear from her now is that she doesn't believe I am being honest as I have been so positive for the last month.

This is typical. WAS's see the LBS making changes and assume it's just tricks to get them back, they don't trust the changes. It takes many months of consistent behavior before they start believing it may be real.

An interesting thing occurred that my daughter told me: She said that W was dreaming, rolling around and calling out my name then gave daughter who was sleeping next to her a big hug. D6's Reply was "Mom I am not Dad gosh!"

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I want you to have realistic expectations. Early after BD it's not unusual for the WAS to show glimpes of the "old" version of themselves. Every once in a while the wall will come down momentarily and you'll see the wife you knew and loved. But as time goes on they patch those holes until eventually they've gotten rid of all hints of the old spouse. Getting them back is a long, long road. There will be signs along the way that give you false hope that a reconciliation may come quickly, but they never do. Just be patient and settle in for the long haul. Good luck!

[Groov]

I Replied here, I must be on moderation still. Another test of my patience

[Groov]

Accuray, 2s2q and AnotherStander,

Thanks for the reply! I have questions and need support! I find it very diffucult to see W flip a switch and be so distanced and leave like she did. On my nightly calls with the kids do I attempt to talk to her about her day or do I keep it all business? What would be considered pursuit and what wouldn't? My IC and Coach mentioned doing activities together for the kids, but I do not want to come off as setting things up, pursuing, being seen as manipulative.

What are your thoughts on telling the kids whats going on? Do we sit them down and tell them Mommy has decided that you (the kids) are going to live somewhere else? What is the best way to handle this? Do I try and set something up with W to talk about how this sitch is impacting the kids?

This [censored]!!!! Having a moment here!

[Groov]

Update to my sitch,

Last tuesday had dinner with W and kids, She was taking them on a trip for the weekend and I told her I wanted to see the kids. She is ls living about an hour away. So we met in the middle and D wanted to go to Sizzler. While in the lobby the kids swarmed me excited to see me. I then said lets sit down and eat. My W hesitates like I didn't want her there.... I assured her that it would be for her to sit down and eat with us. Wierd.... We sat down had a pleasent dinner. I had book with me "the 5 love languages for children" that the W took a good look at as I set it on the table. We then had a pleasant dinner in which I mostly listened and reflect on what she wanted to talk about. She directed one question to me "How is work going?" I talked a few min about that. I then turned my focus to the kids and talked with them. I was asking the kids about what I have been reading in the 5 love languages for kids books. I really want to find out their language and give them all the love I can. It had been an hour and I said that I had a meeting I needed to go, so I could be the one to initiate the goodbye's. We wrapped up and went outside. W talked to me about some car stuff, and then when departing she initiated a one armed hug. which surprised me. She then sort of sarcastically said "have fun at your meeting" like I didn't really have one. I said "I will and was going to meet the bishop at our church". She said "Oh ok, Tell him I said Hello" So Not sure what that was all about...

The weekend went by with little contact other than saying goodnight to the kids.

Last night while saying goodnight and having "family" Prayer over the phone I mentioned to W that a counsellor I have been seeing (I also have had a couple of DB coaching calls with Leni) Suggested we do activities as family for the children. I told her I was planning on going to an amusement park with the kids this Sat. I told her she was invited. She told me she had talked to her mom about helping her mom take a piano down to Vegas to her brother. So she gave me no clear answer. I said "either way I am going to the park and to let me know if she can make it" I don't want to pursue her here.... but I want the kids to be happy.... This is tough..

So here I am up at 4:30 am. overthinking things and worrying about every little interaction with W. Being Patient is the hardest thing I have ever done. I would appreciate any input and advice!

[Groov]

AnotherStander,

My 180s...

I am no longer mr fixit. I just listen, reflect and attempt empathy. I am not so good at the empathy thing, but am working on it.

I have a tenancy to shoot down her ideas and think my own were better. I no longer do this. I now validate that her thoughts and ideas and tell her they are good.

The first week after she left, I got rid of my xbox, I would play this a few nights a week. She always told me it didn't bother her, But I know it did as she would say subtle things about it.

I haven't been the most positive person the past couple of years, Haven't enjoyed my job and the economy has been tough. Been digging ourselves out of debt and its been tough. I used to be so optimistic and positive. So I decided that I am going to return to be Mr positive and Optimistic

I have been GAL, going out with friends, going to the gym, I took a cooking class last week.

I am having a hard time thinking of other 180's, especially since she is no longer here to really see the changes I am willing to make.....