This is my first post. Background is have unmarried partner of 12 years with S7 and D4. We both live in Europe and have families in the antipodes. My partner has on and off complained about my weight 95kg, 179cm and that I have not done enough at home. At various times she has expressed pov that we do not connect.
I am main bread winner and have focused on career and looking after S and D, I do most of the weekend and after office activities, bath time when I am home. W has always been very focused on exercise and spends 8+ hours a week running, gym and yoga.
Last Nov W told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate, she would not consider counselling, said she had suppressed her feelings for 3 years and there were no emotions. Our relation had been non physical for some time and when I asked she had said it was tiredness, exercise and work. I had raised with her that we needed to do more as a couple and sadly let her brush me off.
In Dec I discovered an affair with a work colleague, she promised to break contact physically but has not done this and I have discovered she is still seeing him.
We live in a country where our right to stay is linked to our accommodation status so it has been impossible for us to physically separate and she says she will not move in with OM and will not leave without children. Because we are not married our jurisdiction did not recognise that i had any parental rights over S and D. W would not give them to me and I commenced legal action which resulted in W giving me Parental Responsibility.
I am in a strong position financially but not enough to sell our house and for us both to buy again on this island. The house will take over a year to sell and W wants to move out and is trying to obtain permission to stay on the island in a different type of housing. I do not think this will be successful. I feel we would be better to return to one of our homelands and be closer to family.
W said she wanted to try again and I let her come on holiday skiing with my mum and children. W was detached, admitted has feelings for OM and on return said it cant work and there is too much damage but she still will not leave the house due to her limited housing options. Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory.
I am focusing on me but find I am left to look after the children and W will not agree a new routine for the children so I am being pulled by her routine.
I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.
I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation. Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
This is my first post. Background is have unmarried partner of 12 years with S7 and D4. We both live in Europe and have families in the antipodes. My partner has on and off complained about my weight 95kg, 179cm and that I have not done enough at home. At various times she has expressed pov that we do not connect.
I am main bread winner and have focused on career and looking after S and D, I do most of the weekend and after office activities, bath time when I am home. W has always been very focused on exercise and spends 8+ hours a week running, gym and yoga.
Last Nov W told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate, she would not consider counselling, said she had suppressed her feelings for 3 years and there were no emotions. Our relation had been non physical for some time and when I asked she had said it was tiredness, exercise and work. I had raised with her that we needed to do more as a couple and sadly let her brush me off.
In Dec I discovered an affair with a work colleague, she promised to break contact physically but has not done this and I have discovered she is still seeing him.
We live in a country where our right to stay is linked to our accommodation status so it has been impossible for us to physically separate and she says she will not move in with OM and will not leave without children. Because we are not married our jurisdiction did not recognise that i had any parental rights over S and D. W would not give them to me and I commenced legal action which resulted in W giving me Parental Responsibility.
I am in a strong position financially but not enough to sell our house and for us both to buy again on this island. The house will take over a year to sell and W wants to move out and is trying to obtain permission to stay on the island in a different type of housing. I do not think this will be successful. I feel we would be better to return to one of our homelands and be closer to family.
W said she wanted to try again and I let her come on holiday skiing with my mum and children. W was detached, admitted has feelings for OM and on return said it cant work and there is too much damage but she still will not leave the house due to her limited housing options. Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory.
I am focusing on me but find I am left to look after the children and W will not agree a new routine for the children so I am being pulled by her routine.
I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.
I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation. Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
My situation is above, WAW will not engage and has made it clear that she does not want me and does not find me attractive. It has been going on five months.
I feel that to move on and improve myself I have no choice but to ask her to leave, which she has refused to do to date. She has always tried to control the relationship and I can now see that by trying to placate and support her she has seen me as weak and indecisive.
She is still in contact with OM and I need the house we are in to remain here and work. She has refused to leave the island and I think shee needs to go and live with her OM to find the reality of it.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Hello and welcome, sorry you're going through this, especially with the increased complexity of your living arrangements
Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby
Living like this damaging our relationship, she often insults me and is unable to have a sensible constructive discussion without being derisory
That's often the case, many WAS's are kind, loving and supportive one day and literally overnight transform into uncaring at best; angry, vindictive and abusive at worst.
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I feel now that my only option is to have her out of the house so I can focus on improving me as a person, living my own life and being in a position to support my children. W has said the current situation is hell.
Often a separation brings healing, even if it doesn't heal the M it can heal much of the bitterness. I was in hell until my W moved out, I was surprised to find that even though the S was all about her, it brought me a lot of healing and recovery as well, maybe even more than it did W. W even told me she was jealous of my newfound confidence and stability when she herself still felt confused.
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I have made many mistakes and confided in family and friends about the situation.
That's OK, we all have backslides. From now on just tell them that you're both taking this time to sort things through and leave it at that.
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Is it too late to 180, should I let her stay and risk diluting my rights over S and D, or in worst case she leaves with them and I am stuck with house.
It's never too late for 180's, they are as much about improving ourselves as they are repairing the M. Regarding letting her stay, that's a choice you'll have to make on your own. If you do let her stay, then try and detach as much as you can. Give her time and space. Read DR, read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum) and put those into practice.
WAS has been in tears the last few nights. She does not want to lose her family or house and has said she does not understand why she is not able to find me attractive, she wants to and is clear from her face that she is filled with sorrow a d a lot of stress. She is worried about affect on S and D is separation.
Looking forward to book arriving, trying to remain detached focused on my own improvements.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Hi and I am also sorry you find yourself in this situation. Are you working with a DB coach? It would be so helpful on how to deal with her and make these important decisions, and help keep you strong. They are in your corner, guiding you how to go forward in a way that is most likely to get through to her. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I asked her yesterday if she is still carrying on affair and emotionally attached. She replied if she wanted to it would be, the OM is keen, but she feels she needs to resolve a lot of issues by herself before she considers any other relationship ad that this applies if we are to work on our R as well.
We had counselling via Skype with a contact in the UK on Weds, he was very good, incisive and we have booked another session next week. I think it will take awhile to cut through some of these issues. Have started book now and reading the theory at the start.
Have said it is up to her if she wants to go at the moment, her decision, I am not going to use threats over finances to push her out. I think I need to define this more carefully. If she is continuing the A then I would want her to move out, I am not sure would know as I am not prepared to snoop anymore (did in the beginning)
A db might help for me
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
WAS has been in tears the last few nights. She does not want to lose her family or house and has said she does not understand why she is not able to find me attractive
While we instruct the LBS that DB is about working on becoming better individuals, regardless of the outcome, we also generally do not focus on the distinction between WAS and MLC. Yet there are some very distinct differences.
If your W is a WAS, what you do to "fix" yourself and the issues your W has indicated she has with you can eventually save the M. Of course, these changes have to be permanent / real, and be because you want to, regardless of whether your M is saved.
OTOH, if your W is MLC, nothing you do will "fix" the problem, as the problem truly is within your W. WAS are generally clear on what they want (or don't want) and are seeking to move on or have clearly defined path (in their minds) of moving on, once the LBS gets the BD.
Your W suggested that an issue is with your weight, yet you don't indicate if you are muscle bound or not. Obviously, if you are not a body builder, 195kg is unhealthy for your height... So how would you address this? This would be part of your GAL as well as a 180 and done for YOU.
Your W suggesting that her working out is causing her to be tired? That's script. People generally find that if they are active, they become rejuvenated unless they are not used to the effort. Obviously, your W was just using that as an excuse. Like I said, script. How long had she been working out like that?
As you found, your W found interest in someone else. So this is simply a reminder that often, the excuses for being distant really just point to some sort of EA / PA. The EA / PA is a symptom, so as much as it hurts to know about it, do your best to not take it personally. It was her choice, even if she rationalized it in her head.
Finally, your last post speaks to your W's confusion. Of all the things you've posted, this last one does help put a more clear picture on where your W is at. The being "tired" (which could be very true) and the confusion, could point to depression, which is a primary component in MLC, tied with possible changes in life style and outbursts and EA / PA... well...
The point is, if your W is MLC, then what you do will not matter. Detach, "fix" yourself, become a man that only a fool would leave, and keep moving forward, regardless of whether your M is saved. MLC can take a long time and while you may want to give up, and that is a fair choice if you decide that, I hope you stick it out as long as you can... you never know...
Just back off on any pressure. MLC especially, runs from pressure.
Hi that is useful as had not understood difference between MLC and WAS. I have wondered with MLC, Dshe got into yoga last year and a lot of very spiritual reading such as Darren Main and also Joirney of Souls. She has been talking to a counsellor/therapist and struggled to come to terms with being 40. There are some long standing issues she is resolving in terms of her family and role models.
just to make it clear I am a pretty fit 179cm (5 10) 95kg 44 yr old. Not 195kg if I made a typo! I could lose 10kg which is an aim
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
