Quote: Has your H read Sex Starve Marriage? I sure hope my H picks it up soon.
ya he picked it up...when I threw it on the floor sunday night...after trying to be subtle about my desires...and having been told so many times...I'll be up in a while....I'll be up in a while...do you get it h???
I threw the book down on the floor...went upstairs alone...came back down...appologized (ya me appologizing for having needs and expecting him to uh! help out) then went to the store bought him butts and then went to bed...he did cuddle me told me to just relax...etc...but nothing!!
so h did pick up the book...but not to read it...don't think he even bothered to glance at the title he simply picked it up and put it on the counter with the rest.
that was that...it's now friday and I'm at the point where I almost don't even want him to initiate anything...cause then it's on his terms...and not mine!! when he wants it...when he's in the mood...
if I knew what made him in the mood I'd do more of it...but there is no pattern...can't even connect it to the moon or anything..not what I'm wearing...cause I could be dressed nice and be ignored...I could be dressed like a slob and be advanced at...it could be morning...it could be night...it could be afternoon...it could be the third wed of each month...I don't know???
I do still wonder...did he ever make an advance physically toward ow in a sexual manner??
How often is H in the mood ? He never volunteers to satisfy your... ahem... urges... voluntarily ? Unselfishly ? Man... I love if that's all my W wants... even just that. I love doing it. I guess some men are really crazy...
Anyways, just after reading what you wild women do for your unapreciative H's - I will probably not be able to concentrate at work... I am trying to imagine my W in a thong in front of the fireplace... Oh boy....
I know tims stuff and read that thread while it was current...it concerned the whole love you not in love with you theme...
when h's reason for d was stated to me as "i love you I'm not in love with you" my response to him was simply this...I'm not in love with you either...I just happen to love you.
didn't matter to him...suppose now those "in love" feelings he had for ow don't matter much as he is home now...
thing is I want him to have those in love feelings for me!!
despite the many times I felt like giving up...not doing for him anymore...I still do...when he angers me..frustrates me...I still return home from the store with a nice work jacket for him...did he ask? no, did he need it?? he may not have thought so but he sure did appreciate it when he wore it out plowing..and even commented on how comfy it was.
when do I get mine??
by all reasoning...I should have been a waw...the only reason I wasn't is because some how somewhere along the way I learned what love was really all about...I knew this long before I even reached marrying age...I even wrote a note to h about it...though then I didn't use such terms as love languages or love vs. in love...I used words like comfortable...give and take...respect...etc.
I kept giving...h kept continuing to stop giving...gave in his own way on his own terms...resentment grew from me...pushing him away...it's a wonder we even got married...guess that was the love still holding strong...but even after all this...I'm still not feeling like I'm getting as much as I give...should it matter??
I didn't think I was going to need a cold shower tonight, until I read your new thread!!!!!!!!
I copied some interesting parts, and will comment on them!
sometimes I wonder if h and ow actually belong together
Does that sound like some one you know? Some one you have been trying to convince otherwise? You are better than OW!!!!!
make him some calzones to take with him so he'll eat lunch
I knew it, I knew it!
this is a loosing battle with h...this is not a new issue...has been an issue for probably 10 of the 14 years we've been together it just got worse once we married.
I was wondering if I missed this in all of your posts! This is something I REALLY don't understand. OG treats my W like that, and she says she appreciates not being treated like a piece of meat. Please don't take this wrong, LL, and I'm not stalking a serial poster, but it is possible that we marry the wrong people? My W needs a H like yours, and I need a W like you!? Even then, would we be compatable? Putting aside our age difference, it would be great, but I assure you, there would be something else we would argue about! THAT'S LIFE!
It IS possible that H wasn't doing the nasty thing with OW! Maybe she understood. Maybe he told her you were always pressuring him for sex, and she wasn't! Maybe she has an average build (oh yea, she's small) and you are built like a BSH! Maybe H feels like you are too good for him! Maybe, maybe, maybe! Who the fu** knows? You said it on one of my posts, "people suck", "life sucks"
Miss Chevy Tahoe told me that 13 of the 14 years she was married to H2 they didn't have sex!!! During a counciling session, H saw an attractive secretary, and wanted to keep going back! That secretary was enough to make him start having sex with his W?????? After 13 years, maybe that's what killed him! I told her I couldn't be married to her for 13 SECONDS with out having sex! If we went for it, would I feel guilty? Maybe! Could she make me forget W? Maybe! Would she care if she might ruin my chances of W returning? Maybe! Would the novelty wear off? Maybe! Would she possibly be my last chance for eternal happiness? Maybe! Is my W comming back? HELL NO, SHE DIDN'T PASS UP HER CHANCE AT ETERNAL HAPPINESS! Will she ever regret it? Maybe! Will DB'ing help? Maybe!
when we were first married I cooked dinner everynight even dessert...came home from work...gave him my check..took care of him...even gave him a damn pedicure one night... all he had to do was stay awake long enough to ravish his wife in some physical way but did he?? nope...
LL, W did the same for me, and I ravished the hell out of her for 30 years, and look where it got me! NOW she tells me our M was all about sex for me and nothing else! Hell, and I thought she appreciated it! Since this happened between us, I told her she spoke my love language, but I guess I never knew hers, AND STILL DON'T! Now she won't even give me a chance to learn!
I think we have hit a language barrier ? You are disagreeing or just disappointed (UVISION)
No language barrier here, I understand you LOUD AND CLEAR!
through out the years let's just say I've tried everything...
W has DR, so I can't give you the page number, but Michelle says "If you think you've tried everything' I'm here to tell you that you haven't" IMHO, you're trying pretty damn Hard! Read DR again!
though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot
Holy Moley, LL, I'm glad I didn't finish hooking up the water heater!!!!!
LL,
I really don't have any advice for you! I ache so bad to be holding my wife every night, like I have for 30 years! Is there any one else that could replace her? Yea, yea, yea, MAYBE! After she dropped the bomb, she has only let me hold her once! That meant more to me than sex ( ? ). Is love sex? Is sex love?
I guess just back off! Don't treat him like a "piece of meat" Don't "grump" when he is watching TV, and not paying any attention to you. DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX! Don't go out with out him "dressed to kill". Get your chores done early ( so I'm macho )so you can go to bed right after he does. Don't talk in bed! Don't touch him , but let him know by your actions you want him to hold you! Look good, smell nice, put clean sheets on the bed! Ask him if he would be willing to put one night a week aside for sex! He will! Then ENJOY IT! Every Sunday, change the day of the week! Make it romantic! Send kids to MIL. Get a hotel! Tell him you want this M to work! Ask him what HE wants!
GOD! WHERE'S W!!!!!!!!
T ny
(though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot
tony, you are right it's not all about sex I realize that, I don't look at h like a piece of meat though sometimes it does come across that way...when it comes to sex sometimes it's just for the sex and other times it's for the way he hugs me and kisses me afterward. what I'm looking for is the holding hands, the gentle kiss on the cheek, his arm around me...I guess I notice these things more when we go out and it had been so long since we left the house together...why does it just have to be when we leave the house?? why can't h put his arm around me in our back yard?? h built a bon fire in the back yard last night...asked if I was comming out...I did...I sat on a stump while he poked at the fire..tossing on more leaves etc...it was nice but I would have enjoyed it more if for one min h stood next to me or even snuck a little kiss...
all the things that h used to do...and honestly is starting to do again...just slowly and because of all this I leave all initiation up to him why?? he doesn't reject those offerings from me...just the sexual ones.
Quote: I don't think your C had any business telling you what H said! Sounds more like a troublemaker than a C! Look for another one!
c didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. and h did a good job of repairing things afterward.
we have a joint session in a few weeks...we'll see how that goes..if c is a trouble maker then we'll find a new one with no problem.
also something to keep in mind...c has been listening to me regularly since june every week or every other week...this was the first time he got a chance to talk to h...I do understand h's feelings...fears...etc...I know the feeling he's looking for (at least I think I do) I just didn't do a good job of hearing it from c and c didn't do a good job of calming me down (but then again I didn't give him much of a chance cause I wouldn't shut up to listen)
Quoting lostlove: when h's reason for d was stated to me as "i love you I'm not in love with you" my response to him was simply this...I'm not in love with you either...I just happen to love you.
didn't matter to him...suppose now those "in love" feelings he had for ow don't matter much as he is home now...
thing is I want him to have those in love feelings for me!!
There are so many definitions of love/in love that it’s hard to figure out what the missing piece is. Your post got me to thinking… Love is based on how you feel about your spouse. S/he is caring, responsible, loving, etc. etc. etc. “In love” is about how your spouse makes you feel.
If your H has those in love feelings for you, you feel loved and will be in love with him. If you can throw away the scorecard, you will continue to love your spouse. But if things seem to be one-sided, you can’t maintain “in love” for very long.
Quoting lostlove: despite the many times I felt like giving up...not doing for him anymore...I still do...when he angers me..frustrates me...I still return home from the store with a nice work jacket for him...did he ask? no, did he need it?? he may not have thought so but he sure did appreciate it when he wore it out plowing..and even commented on how comfy it was.
when do I get mine??
Why do you want yours? If you want a jacket, go out and buy one. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is that you want to feel loved and appreciated. You want this so you can be in love with your H.
Quoting lostlove: by all reasoning...I should have been a waw...the only reason I wasn't is because some how somewhere along the way I learned what love was really all about...I knew this long before I even reached marrying age...I even wrote a note to h about it...though then I didn't use such terms as love languages or love vs. in love...I used words like comfortable...give and take...respect...etc.
I kept giving...h kept continuing to stop giving...gave in his own way on his own terms...resentment grew from me...pushing him away...it's a wonder we even got married...guess that was the love still holding strong...but even after all this...I'm still not feeling like I'm getting as much as I give...should it matter??
I suppose not...but sometimes it does.
Comfortable = love Respect = love Give and take = in love
I wasn't aware that you had such a long standing relationship with C. The joint session may do H some good, I hope so!
STBXWhore tells me NOW that the only reason she had sex with me is because it was the only time I gave her any attention! If that was the case, she sure got a lot of attention . I did a lot more than that for her, but she has blocked out ALL good memories! (Typical WAS reaction)
You and everyone else tells me to have patience, patience patience! How much longer can you and I be patient? Eventually the time comes when we know! STBXWhore says M is like a job, either put up with it or get out! I told her there was a better option: FIX IT! She choose to get out!
Quoting Andy: If your H has those in love feelings for you, you feel loved and will be in love with him. If you can throw away the scorecard, you will continue to love your spouse. But if things seem to be one-sided, you can’t maintain “in love” for very long. ...
Comfortable = love
Respect = love
Give and take = in love
here's the letter I mentioned before...it was written in 93 we were married in 97 and it is now 2003 (it's taken h a while but I think he gets it) I belive I was 20 when I wrote this so forgive it's ignorance if you find some...
dear bf,
I don't know if I should actually be writing to you since you've just left my house angry at me but I don't know what else to do. It seems that whenever I try to tell you how I feel about our r you just get pissed off at me and we end up in a big fight you leave and I feel worse because I know you don't listen to how I feel you listen to what I say makes me feel that way! when I tell you that I am unhappy and that the reason I am unhappy is because I am bored and tired and feel insignigicant/unimportant not very interesting etc/ when you do certain things that you do ie watching footbal (or other sports) watching the weather, falling asleep, not wanting to do things w/me, or even just talk to me. It bothers me even more that not only do you do those things/or not do things/ you don't realize how they might ake me feel. and even when I tell you (time and time again) how they make me feel you continue to do them because you want to. that is when I feel as though you don't care how I feel, like I don't mean anything to you anymore.
look- it is very obvious that we do not have much in common at all.we don't share any interests we don't like the same things and quiet frankly it sucks because we are both two stubborn people set in our ways- you will continue to wathc sports when you are with me despite the way it makes me fee you will continue to do all the things you want to do that hurt my feelings because those things are a part of you. you will continue to not want to do certain things that I want you to do because they are not you. what it all bears down to is this- when we first met we enjoyed eachothers company shared eachothers interests because they were new (although even then I hated when you watched the news, weather and sports) In the begining we where very concious of eachothers feelings because we were new to eachother and didn't know just how the other would react to certain things. there was a comfortable amount of give and take now after almost 4 1/2 years we are comfortable enough with eachother that we fail to realize that all the little things we do that hurt eachother are insignificant the don't really matter. you want to watch football because that's YOUR interest so you do, despite the fact that it is not MY desire AT ALL, I know that you don't realize how what you do affects me, and that it is not at all intentional but it still hurts me. I just wish you could spend some time to really think about how I feel and maybe then I wouldn't be feeling this way! I don't mean to blame you for everything and I'm not I am simply pointing out how what you do effects me.
I do love you, Love LL
ps. please don't get mad just think about what I've said Im not trying to hurt you I just don't want to feel hurt anymore.
keep in mind that this letter was written 4 years before we married...at the time I was living at home and h was too...so when we were together wich was not every night...I was devistated to have h come to my house or me go to his so he could fall asleep or sit and watch football or the weather...I have since accepted the fact that no h is not at my disposal everynight and it is ok for him to go watch and do what he wants to do...I don't have to sit through it unless I want to...but h has only now started to once again give...now he will accept invitation to go to a movie or out somewhere and not just sit on the couch and fall asleep...actually lately...I've been the one to fall asleep on the couch!!
ny
. I did a lot more than that for her, but she has blocked out ALL good memories! (Typical WAS reaction)