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My H and I are going through some rough times these days. Seems every other day we have a disagreement. He told me recently that he thinks I spend too much time alone and need more friends. I have friends and do spend time alone, but I also like it. He said he didn't want to use the word "smothering". Tonight he said something odd, we were talking about open-mindedness and he asked me if I thought he was open minded, I said yes and he said "well however open-minded you think I am, I'm more than that".

I told him he was mysterious. He said he has no secrets from me (this is not true) because I am around him all the time.-that was said slightly sarcastic. I got mellow for awhile to process that along with what he said the other day about me needing more to do and more friends. I said that we have both kept too much from each other over the years. He accused me of being mad, I said I was thinking and got over it pretty quick. I said I am going to give him space. He said "did I say I wanted space"?

I've never been a match for him in a disagreement. He tells me I always take everything he says literally. I told him to say what he means then. He says he learned years ago to not say what's on his mind because it gets him into trouble. That one is true I admit. We have the Marriage Breakthrough tapes but haven't watched them yet. He also told me that he is changing for himself and not me or the M, and that I am trying to change for him. Not true, I didn't like the way I became and it took a wake up call (the bomb) for me to see how I'd become. He has changed, because he did start trying for the M many months ago. He just doesn't know that he's been DB;ing himself.

Most of the time these days we are very loving and affectionate to each other. But you know when these times hit you feel like you've lost all ground. I was afraid he was going to say he was giving up and throwing in the towel tonight. He is gone to a meeting now so we can't talk about this tonight. what to do?


tielbeagle
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Just a quick post...

Yes, it is hard, when things feel like they are backsliding, to not believe that it isn't a permanent condition. But it isn't. All relationships have their ups and downs, the downs just feel worse because of all you have been through.

One thing, you might try listening even more then you already are and instead of giving a complete answer, merely nod your head and smile sweetly or say something innoccuous like, hmm, or really? or anything that shows you are deeply interested in what he has to say without offering an opinion or solution. It sounds like he needs to talk things through in his own mind and just wants a sounding board without any solutions being offered.

Keep your chin up honey. Things will improve. They did before and they will again.

We are all cheering for you.

Hugs, Kansha

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Kansha, yours was a very uplifting reply. I need to think about being his girlfriend again too I suppose. And I will try your method of shortening my responses. Thanks, Lisa


tielbeagle
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Hi Lisa,
Everyone has their off days. Sounds like your H felt like being a little confrontational. No matter how you replied, he would see it in a negative way. Kansha's advise is excellent way to try to diffuse H reaction. However, it is H's issue and if he brings it up again, like you being mad, redirect it back at him ... "Sorry you read me that way, but it is not true. Why do you feel I'm mad at you?"

'til later,
KAW

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thanks, Kaw, yes it did seem like he was out of his norm. He is not a confrontational person but he was pissed off. Maybe because his guilt is getting to him. He's been lying to me, and he knows it. This is a guy who was always honest and full of integrity.


tielbeagle
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Hi, Lisa...I saw something you wrote on KML's thread...don't know anything about your sitch except that post and what I've read on this one. BUT, you said your H is still emailing the OW, says it's only friendship, etc.

I don't know if you know my sitch, but I'm the SAM in the M, and am learning SO MUCH about myself from this - SO GRATEFUL to my H for fighting so hard for the M (and for me! ), and I've been TRYING to learn about me for YEARS - DECADES, actually. This has been quite the catalyst.

Anyway, don't know if your H reads any of this stuff, or if you want him to at this point, but if you want to print out Sadbuthopeful's thread and mine (started under SBH's login ID, called "Sadbuthopeful's SAM"), then let him read this -- maybe it will help him --

I have been TRYING to get my OM to stop contacting me. When I was caught in the A, it took me about 2 hours to choose my H and my family (D5 S3). Took me better part of the past month to get rid of OM, and still not 100% sure he's gone. But, in trying to cut him off, the parts of me that were still connected to him became more and more highlighted. And as I continued to say "no," and he continued to say "I'm not going to abide by your wishes," I also learned what a sick/misguided man he is and it has made me even more (and MORE AND MORE!!!!!) grateful for the strenth, steadfastness, and devotion my H has given me through the past months of my A.

I was moving towards ending the A when H found out and confronted me. The fears, the self-doubt, that you face when you have to say goodbye to someone you thought meant a lot to you, well, they are excellent learning opportunities. And if you have the courage to face them, you become SO MUCH stronger. And your M does, too -- WIN WIN WIN!!!!!

I hope this helps. Wishing you well...

SBH's SAM

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Oh, yeah, I also wanted to say to your H, if it's only friendship, then it should be not such a big deal to end it. Plenty of potential cyber friends here!!! And your W has hurt enough - she (you, Lisa) shouldn't have to have any more pain from her H contacting the OW.

Not to minimize how difficult it might be for your H to do this - I know it can be hard when you have had things in your M that were not keeping you feeling safe/loved/desired, but, as I said, I sure learned a lot about myself when I cut off contact with OM and faced the demons that were left over.

Don't know if this is great DBing or not, but thought I'd throw it out for consideration...GOOD LUCK!

SBH's SAM


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