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Can you please give me advice for my marriage crisis?
(I might post before but could not find it, so let me do it again)

H: 33y/o and W(me): 33y/o, No children but 3 large dogs (for us, they are kids.) Married in 2005.

December,2011
He started to complain about sleep difficulty. First, he mentioned pain of heart. It seemed so painful like someone was hitting his heart. Then, complained severe headache.

January, 2012
Since he had a history of car accident 15years ago, we went to our family doctor. Did MRI and EKG. nothing is remarkable. He started to drink alcohol to induce sleep but of course it didn't help.

He is the type of person who works too much, care family very well, loved me and dogs so much (our friends and families said we were always like newlywed.) He also has had a dream to start his business so studied so hard.

January-June, 2012
He worked too much and his personal project (for his new business) got so behind schedule due to lack of time. I knew he was getting so frustrated and stressed but could not change his working style (even I told him to go slow down.) We had set every Saturdays were family day which mean we spend together (like going shopping together, taking a walk for dogs together, etc) but it seemed this just once a week family thing also frustrated him because I think he thought he could not get time for him. But he was so responsible person so did family time a couple of hours on Saturdays. He still said me many "love you" and cared our dogs well.

July, 2012
He completely became different person after coming from his business trip (he goes to business trips every other months and spend 2-3 weeks there.) He was the same person I have known when we talked over the phone during this trip but something changed him.
After he came back, he did not make any eye contact with me, smile, or talk to me. He looked down (tilted head) and seemed so tired. I observed him for two weeks but nothing changed so asked him to sit and talk what happened to him.

He made a speech "I don't know I love you any more." and then "I met ex-girl friend. She has kids and family so I don't expect anything with her, but I don't know if I love you."
I got so mad because we had a plan of birthday trip (even he asked me to make estimate over the phone during trip) but he canceled (I was ok to cancel because thought he got so tired but now he said the speech and it made me so mad.)

Everything was changed from that day. He seemed so confused and shut down his mouth (he, anyway, always hold his feeling inside his mind to avoid any dispute.)

August, 2012
He has been getting like monster. He complained everything with really nasty words and finally started to talk as everything was my fault. He made so many irrational and mean words to me.
Since I was reading so many MLC related book and divorce busting, did not respond with anger, instead, just listened to him.
He finally made a decision of divorce, which I did not agree.
He went to see a lawyer to know how to proceed divorce. At that time, he seemed to understand what his responsibilities were so was planning to rent a house for me and dogs and share his benefit, etc.
One week later, he suddenly changed his mind and said he would not rent a house for us nor share benefit (basically he started to think like "everything is mine! Save the money for new business.")
I am housewife/part time worker so no 401K or something like that.
Then, he left a paper which pretty much explained how to divide asset (which was not equal) and went to another business trip.

September, 2012
I started many activities like meditation class, fitness, etc in order not to be so desperate. Even started divorce busting telephone coaching and then told to see MY lawyer to know what my legal rights were.)
I saw a lawyer and learned I had a right to get equal property asset. He could not force me to leave the house.


I don't know if saving marriage is best option for me any more but since he has all symptoms of depression and MLC, I could not just give up. Part of me keeps saying "You should be patient and he will realize he needs you. He is just having a difficult moment."

I can be strong and patient if he just has difficult moment. I am also ready to fight for him (not fight him) for next a few years. But I don't know how to help him. He seems to want to restart his life. He started to watch all his album and videos and even remembered his suicidal moment after his car accident. He told me if he kept living with me, he would be dead due to so many pain. He told me he did not want to say so mean words to me any more or he might start DV.

He doesn't want to go to a doctor maybe because I asked (he wants to refuse my idea anyway) or he think strong man will not be depressed.

Can you give me some advice? If anyone had similar experience, could you share?

Thanks,


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
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Here's your other thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...130#Post2280130

Hard to say if he's starting MLC, but it does sound like it. Unfortunately MLC can take 2 or more years to resolve. It sounds like you're doing the right things as far as detaching, listening to him without judging and just avoiding getting swept up in his craziness. I would suggest you refuse to leave the house, if he wants to leave then he will have to do so and suffer the consequences. It's good that you've talked to a lawyer to know your rights. At least you know now that what your H proposed is not fair to you. Don't initiate any divorce or separation talks with your H. If he forces the issue then just validate his emotions, say things like "it sounds like your angry, I'm sorry you feel that way and I support your decision". Don't agree or disagree, jsut validate. Keep working on GAL, sounds like you're making progress there. Give him space and time to sort through his problems. Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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This thread is in Newcomers and your other thread was in MLC.

I posted a bunch of links and homework there.
Please take the time to read it as there is an awful lot that you can learn.
The advice on that thread will help you if you choose to follow it.

I would choose one thread or another to post on and stick with it.

There is more traffic here but the advice in MLC may be slightly different.

Knowledge is Power.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks, AnotherStander, to find where my post went.
I was about to file a legal separation today or soon. I was so scared after the talk with a lawyer. I was like "I need to do this, this and this to protect me" and kind of in rush to do anything I can do right now.

Thanks, again


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 9
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Thanks Cadet for homework. I will read the links you provided. As for my thread, since I am not sure if H is in MLC, I will stick to in Newcomers.

Thanks


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
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" I was like "I need to do this, this and this to protect me" and kind of in rush to do anything I can do right now."

What's the rush^^^???? Take a deep breath and calm down. Yes protect yourself but don't rush into anything.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thanks, Rick, for your post. H is in business trip and will be back within 2days. The lawyer told that I should take advantage of his absence (He will be out during in October too.) According to the lawyer, if I file a legal separation soon, H cannot force me to leave from house (he cannot do anyway) and he, instead, will not have right to stay home for a while.
I was like pushed to "take actions NOW" in order to protect me and 3 big dogs (so hard to find place to live with 3 big dogs in our neighbor).

But the other side of me asked "Do you really want to force him to move out?"
I don't want to leave house (I cannot do) but cannot be so mean to him either even he has been super mean and selfish.

After I saw the lawyer, fortunately I had a meditation class so could be calm down and sleep well. But this morning, I was still not sure what to do so decided to post my situation to here.

H emailed me last night (called me 2 times but I didn't take them). I know he wants to see me to discuss how to divide asset. Of course, I am not ready. I am not willing to fight him so not try to get more than I should. My answer is probably to bring our property/asset information to court and have them decide what equal division is.

I would like to ask one thing to anyone who can read my post.
I have been told so many mean nasty words by him and so shocked and heart broken. We did some conversation after the speech of "not love you". Every time I see him, I become so scared and my heart beats go high. My body just cannot face him as usual.

I know I am getting stronger and detached from him but probably unconsciously my body feel scared and says "I don't want to be hurt anymore."

I am not sure how my mind and body start to react when see him next time. I may be fine or may not be. Under conscious mind, I think I became stronger (I know I need to be more) and ready to see him. Under unconscious mind, not sure.

English is my second language so hope you can get "idea" of what I am saying.

I don't know what he is going to tell me but assume he wants to move forward to D.


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 9
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I forgot to mention something.

Last week, I found his memo about how he felt me.
- So much responsibilities and high expectation in work
- tired of taking care of dogs (He decided to adopt them. I guess he felt some guilty not able to care them.)
- sexless (I will say it is not my fault..he was always so tired and wanted to sleep immediately.)
- instead of husband and wife, now is like teacher and student relationship (I probably became "we" person. I thing I depended on him much.)
- tired of my ups/down mood (I am also the type of person who hold my feeling inside so I think he didn't get why I got so angry.)
- need more time for his dream

It is just scratched paper and he, I think, tried to figure out how come he started to question about his life and to seek for new life.

He also told me in last August that I would not change so we could not live together."
How different am I compared to myself a few years ago? He didn't say anything. He thinks "good people will not get angry or yell" so does not tell exactly. Then leave from any dispute.

I am reading a book which explains how important dispute/argument is to vent feeling. Quiet people likely think and conclude how other people think without conversation. He is exactly that kind of person.

I found another paper which explained how men should be. It says:
- Men should be quiet and should not complain.
- Men should bring money to home. etc

I know both of us need to learn how to communicate each other. But right now, how we can set up time and moment we could learn communication skills is my goal.

Since he still believes that kind of philosophy, I have no idea how...


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
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What about trying to go to a Retrouvaille weekend together. See www.helpourmarriage.org. They teach marital communication skills there.

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Thanks, unbidden. That's interesting. I don't think he will go with me for a while. His mind is no trial and just set a goal to D. I know he is not flexible person, he always thinks he is right.

Maybe many people encounter the feeling and wonder if the marriage is worth saving. I don't know...

Today, I started Zumba. I finally found something I can make laugh and enjoy by myself. H and I have done so many things together so everytime I restart something I enjoyed before remind me the time of "us".

I now really don't mind if he has EA or PA. I really don't. I just want to protect me and 3 dogs lives. He is the one who wants to live w/o me. He is the one who started to stay different place. He is the one who fall out love. He is the one who wants to restart his life.

So my opinion is he is the one who should leave, not us.
He thinks he is perfectionist but it does not mean he can do whatever he want to get "his world". He is now about to get rid of us in order to make life as he wants, "perfect".

To me, it is not perfectionism but is just selfish. He now complains as everything is someone's fault, and make himself good person.

I know today I am in "angry" mood.


M:33y/o
H:33y/o
M:7year
No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
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