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After finding out where I stood with my W after the fallout of our argument and subsequent discussions, I feel differently about the whole situation.

Everybody has their own timeline and tolerance levels for what they are willing to take whilst DB'g and standing for your M and I have reached a point where I just don't want this M anymore.

I face the reality that my W is unwilling to end her affair, unwilling to go to any form of counselling whether it be MC or IC, unwilling to commit to working on the M and cannot get past her own resentments for my failings in the M and the guilt for what she has done & continues to do by seeing the OM.

My W wants a trial separation, but she wants it on her terms & this may be a sticking point for me.

This conversation spelled everything out to me that I needed to hear, continuing to stand for this M now is only going to delay the inevitable.

I feel at ease that I did work on a lot of my issues & left the door open for my W to return to our M, but enough is enough & it is time to plan & move on.

I took my wedding ring off yesterday & it is staying off, in my eyes I am now separated.

I know that my focus is now only on myself & my kids, I have an incredibly taxing year coming up, but I need to keep on growing & really stand up & be there for my kids.

This Friday night I had a sleepover downstairs with my 2 kids watching movies & hanging out & this morning I took them to the movies. If one good thing has come through all of this, it is the realisation of just how important my 2 kids are to me & how much I love spending time with them.

I had a busy 1st week on my teacher training course, but got myself out of bed to do 7 miles this morning & feel so much better for it.

I've got lots of UNI work to get through today & this week & I'm going to focus a lot of my energy on this.

This week I am going to speak to my parents about what is happening & I will seek legal advice as to what my rights are in terms of the marital home where both are names are on the mortgage.

I am staying positive, solution focused & going to keep on top of things.

A lot of good people have given me great advice on here & I truly thank them for it. I hope I can still count on some of you guys & gals to help me through this next phase of officially separating.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Bill her terms are only for her. They do not have to be for you and the kids as well.

All those pesky laws and such...... I am a believer that if a person wants to trial separate... There is the door... Go...


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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I agree with you Chatter, she is free to leave on her own.

I've been looking into some of these pesky laws and as much to my surprise, some of them are even fair and make sense.

For example a joint mortgage, means we are both responsible for the repayments on the house regardless of who is living there.

This got me thinking about a few things, if we D I would be responsibly for half the mortgage plus my maintenance payments for the kids. The other big worry of keeping the house would mean that I couldn't get another mortgage whilst I was named on this one.

Child maintenance is something I wouldn't hesitate in paying for and I'm not even bothered about the equity in the house, I just don't want to be paying rent, half a mortgage and child maintenance - I mean you've got to live as well!!

This is all stuff to worry about down the road, but it's stuff I need to think about and get advice about.

I was loving my run this morning, made a point in saying good morning to everybody I passed smile

I know it might seem selfish, but I'm actually looking forward to some of the perks of being single. I'm gonna make some plans with friends to go to a festival in the summer, either Germany or Holland.

I can take my kids away in the summer, I can make my own plans, I can live my life and live by my choices.

Thanks Cutter, feeling really positive today.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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That would be a good reason to be bought out... or sell the house... or buy her out.

Options.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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A word of advice. Mrs. breakdown is going to wonder why your standing on your feet. So she is going to test you quickly over the next few weeks. As things do not go according to plan she will last out at you as 'naturally its all your fault'.

So just be civil , polite and remove yourself from the conversation.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Hey Bill, glad to hear you've found a way to come to terms, if not peace with your sich. I'm in a similar state, anticipating moving onto the next phase. I now see why so much of DBing is self focus, to better be prepared for any outcome.

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Originally Posted By: chatterbug
A word of advice. Mrs. breakdown is going to wonder why your standing on your feet. So she is going to test you quickly over the next few weeks. As things do not go according to plan she will last out at you as 'naturally its all your fault'.

So just be civil , polite and remove yourself from the conversation.



Thanks for the heads up, I fully expect her to start acting out. Today she came home from her parents house after being there only 10 mins after getting into a row with her mum.

I think she's also confused because I haven't acted the same way I did when she 1st gave me the bomb. She thinks the door would've been left open for her to explore happiness elsewhere and for me to just wait and welcome her back with open arms.

I'm not waiting for my W to do anything anymore, I'm done with wondering this or that, now I know. I'm only going to get stronger and I'm going to start GALing for real.

If neither of us can afford to buy the other out of the house, selling would be the best option for me. I want the best for my kids when living with Mum or Dad.

That's a conversation that'll get W's back up.

All options need to be explored, not just for the house and the kids.

I don't want to stay separated for long and feel in any way an option or back up (plan D), separating finances and talking through the logistics of who is going where needs to be sorted out. D's birthday is on Thursday so most of our conversations are about that right now. After Thursday I'm going to bring up the conversation of separation again and discuss the options and finance for how we are going to split. This gives me time to do some homework on options, but also doesn't leave this situation unresolved.

I'll keep you posted

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Thanks Afa

You have to prepare yourself as the LBS for dealing with the very reality of the sitch that we have been avoiding.

DB helps you work on yourself, get back on your feet and get your confidence back.

Most marriages are in a critical state when they are trying to be saved on here, some people get through to their WAS and prove that their changes are real.

Unfortunately when an affair is in full swing, the odds are stacked even higher against you.

It's a horrible way to learn these lessons, but ultimately YOU benefit for going through it and become a stronger person.

Just keep posting here and people will keep your spirits up no matter what's happening in your sitch.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Hey Bill,

It seems like you are taking all of this very well. I'm happy that you are now working towards resolving this and moving on with your life.

As CB mentioned, there might be some lashing out from your W when she sees that she's lost control of the sitch but you sound ready to face it.

Good luck mate!


Freshman Class of 2012

M-49
W-42
1D-10
T 10 YEARS
M 9 YEARS
EA/MLC 07/2010
Separation 28/05/2012
PA confirmed 31/07/12
W Asked for D 31/07/12
D on and off the table since then
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Bill, I'm sorry and glad for you at the same time, sorry you have to drop the rope on the R but glad that it sounds like it's already helping your PMA. I'm not sure if you've read Denver's story, but it wasn't until he dropped the rope and truly decided to move on that his W suddenly did a 180 and wanted to return. Funny how that happens.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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