This is just another version of ILYBNILWY. It's part of the same script. Right now she's in a place that doesn't allow her to remember the happy times. Try not to take it personally.
^^^^This!
Nail, she knows how to love. She wouldn't have stayed married to you for 8 years if she didn't love you. But she has convinced herself for now that she doesn't love you and never did love you. Don't be surprised if you get the "we never should have gotten married" tagline too. All script. "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared."
Thanks guys, I wrote her a text today that if S made her happy, I support her etc. as you suggested Stander. I just got off the phone with her and she sounded like it softened her a bit. My greatest fear is that she actually leaves. My greatest hope is that she reacts like you said, because the cage door is open, she feels free and reconsiders leaving. I truly love her and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Heartbreaker!
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Yes, this is the Modern version of a family. My w believes it shouldn't be so "black & white". She has a friend that comes from a divorced family and her dad just moved a few blocks away from their home. It was an amicable divorce and they had family dinners together and the kids still had both their parents around everyday, the only difference is the parents had a platonic co-parenting type of relationship. It's not what I want, but I think it's what my wife wants because she doesn't love me anymore, but loves the kids. It's a best of both worlds scenario. Not what I want, but I can only control me.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
A lot of what you are going through so many of us here are too!
My H has a pie-in-the-sky / cake-eating view of our family as remaining in-tact--holidays together, SUnday family dinner night, together at kids' events,etc. (One of my brothers is D and he and his X are very amicable--he sees this as his view of where we would be too). I don't.
All of us here want to feel love and "in love" again..but w our S, not someone new (at least for now).
My H too has voiced his opinion that the kids will be fine, just to make him feel justified and okay with leaving them/us. It is just their way of trying to find a way to leave w/o feeling so guilty.
I pray for all of us in this M-saving boat!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hi..I am new here, but wanted to add that my H is ALSO saying that everything will be just fine. That this happens all the time and that people get through it just fine. He has even gone and told my D's (14 and 11) that they will be fine and they will get used to it. He has also said that we will have 2 happy homes for them and it will be better as soon as he gets his own place. (H is currently at parents house).
I do think this must be the way to make themselves feel better...I agree with turtle...it helps with his guilt. Especially when he drops them off after being with them and they cry....its easy to tell them they will get used to it and drive away. Im left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts.
I am also anticipating the holidays. H has told the kids he will be spending Christmas morning here with them and he will not miss any of that. Well, sorry buddy, but you will not be here with us. I know that may be sad for the kids (and me too) but honestly, I am not allowing that. If he wants to be gone, then be gone. You cannot come here for the fun stuff. I know it sounds horrible of me, but we have to get used to it and him being around for the holidays like nothing is wrong just isnt going to work. I dont feel like Im hurting my kids, I just feel like Im making a new normal.
I also have a Bro who has his X come to his house with his new wife on Christmas morn and they all spend it together. He was never married to x, but its still a little weird to me. I give my sister in law credit that she can handle that, although they have always done this for birthdays too...some can.
Seems like there are going to be a lot of us in this dilema for the holidays...we will have to use each other for support!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Nail, I too have the its better for the kids this way rather than live with parents in a loveless M. W too has the view that we will still do family things together etc etc etc. Rubbish!!! How can splitting a family up benefit the kids in any way whatsoever.
It is guilt and part of the fantasy. They have to convince themselves that kids will be fine, they are thinking of themselves only. I too have had the 'look at xx, they are D but still do things together, he even gives her a hug when they meet up' etc.
But if I look at my W situation with her ex it had a devastating impact on my stepson. When I met W he had little confidence, was extremely clingy to W, did not like spending time with his biological dad, and cried an awful lot at the slightest thing. So I have had first hand experience with myself and stepson of how damaging this can be. Thankfully things settled after me n W got M and stepson got the stability he craved.
But of course he is now going thru it for a 2nd time, however, he is 19 now and lives away at college. One of the talks I had with stepson was the most difficult I ever had in that he has been caught up in a D and now a S. You wld think that alone wld make W reconsider, but she is fogged out of her mind and only sees what she wants.
My youngest S also has special needs and its difficult for 2 of us to manage him at times. Yet she still insists that it will be in his best interests as opposed to working on the M.
Your W will be extremely selfish and say anything to relieve the guilt (I am sure WAS must feel it)and get what she wants. But remember this is not ur old W as u knew her. I think it was sandi2 that posted to me that the biggest mistake an LBS makes is they still think of their old W who wld not do such a thing. That person is gone.
Well my H dropped the divorce word tonight. I am in so much uncertainty and my stomach is in knots. He is very unhappy and doesn't want to try. 26 years of marriage, no career, no degree. Now what. We both gave made many mistakes, but no affairs. Said things in the heat of the moment. And now dealing with all those consequences. OMG the pain.
