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Need help, lost right now. I feel if I move on I'm giving up and if I don't, I'm wasting my life away.


ME 31 / W 29
M 7 / T 13
S 3 / S 5
NOT HAPPY 11/11
BOMB 12/27/11
MOVED OUT 2/12
THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12
W Files D 6/24/12
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Originally Posted By: shockeddad
Need help, lost right now. I feel if I move on I'm giving up and if I don't, I'm wasting my life away.


Hey Shocked. I just read thru your first thread. I'm sorry for your sitch.

One of the things that jumped out at me, and I know it's been a few weeks since you've posted so take it with a grain of salt, is that you seem to be having trouble detaching. You are trying to mind read and paying entirely too much attention to what your W says or does. You should be focusing on you right now. You can't control her, you can't MAKE her come back, you can't MAKE her see it your way. You can only control you.

I've spent the good part of the last 18 months reinventing myself, becoming who I want to be, and just a few days ago, after some discussions with Mach1, I figured out that I missed a major negative in myself. I'm a fixer, and by nature like to have control of the situation....even though I thought I was helping, I was controlling. My point is, two things....1) make changes in you for you and 2) even if you think you've already made all the changes you need to, take another look. If your W hasn't come around yet, there's a reason.

Hang in there...don't get down on yourself. Have some fun for you. Give your W the space she needs. Focus on those boys. As 25 said multiple times, this is a marathon....


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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"I feel if I move on I'm giving up and if I don't, I'm wasting my life away."

It's what you should have done months ago. It's called "detaching". Not engaging her IS doing something. Just because you're not engaging with her, it doesn't mean that you've given up. That is the main thing you need to understand.

Giving her time and space is a gift. She could very well be using that time to go out with someone else, but if that's what she needs to do, then so be it. If you confine and press her, you will push her further away.

And just because you're not engaged with your W, doesn't mean you're "wasting your life away". Even when she was around, you probably kept busy with your kids, your hobbies, your job, etc. That's what you need to do now.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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How are things going?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Not good. Seems like I was doing okay for a while and now I'm falling apart at the seams. I don't want to loose her, I would do anything to get her back. We have to go to court tomorrow for prelim stuff. Then wait 6 months. God I need your will and hand to come down and help me and W.


ME 31 / W 29
M 7 / T 13
S 3 / S 5
NOT HAPPY 11/11
BOMB 12/27/11
MOVED OUT 2/12
THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12
W Files D 6/24/12
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Okay, you need to detail what you're doing more here. We're here to help you and know exactly how you feel.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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"Not good. Seems like I was doing okay for a while and now I'm falling apart at the seams. I don't want to loose her, I would do anything to get her back. We have to go to court tomorrow for prelim stuff. Then wait 6 months. God I need your will and hand to come down and help me and W."

I have always been puzzled as to why people can't take advice. It is an odd thing to think about. So many people before us have walked thru the situation we find ourselves in.. and yet when they tell us the stories of how they did it we doubt them and don't listen. Odd isn't it?

After reading and posting here for a while you get pretty good at seeing why people are having a hard time. Seriously.. take the comment you posted as it stands on its own. Read just that. Now think if someone was saying that to you. Better yet take away that your comment is even about a marital issue and take out the word her and replace it with "something". Based on that.. what advice would you give to the person saying that?

Seems you live in a state with a waiting period. What are your plans for that time?


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


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I'm truely trying to take the advice from here. My emotions are getting the best of me. It's hard to just flip a switch after 13yrs and not seeing my boys all the time. I did have a talk with here about 2 weeks ago, because she was willing to talk. But she made her point that she didn't want it to work. I'm trying to detach agian.

I have not seen her in little over a week. We have just been doing things that we have had her mom switching or getting the kids. I want to avoid her as much as I can. Maybe then she might wonder about me like some have said.

I have been going out a little and doing things I did before this all happened. Which has made me feel better. I just can't stop thinking about her and what the future will look like. It's hard to turn the feeling of love and missing her off. I know I have to if there is any chance of getting her back. I also feel that if I move on that I'm giving up. I don't have many friends, so it's hard to find someone to go out and do things with. But I'm trying.


ME 31 / W 29
M 7 / T 13
S 3 / S 5
NOT HAPPY 11/11
BOMB 12/27/11
MOVED OUT 2/12
THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12
W Files D 6/24/12
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"I just can't stop thinking about her and what the future will look like. It's hard to turn the feeling of love and missing her off."

Shocked I remember this^^^^^. We all go through this I think is normal. The fear of the future, the unknown, all very terrifyng. This is called stinking thinking. Not helpfull to you. You are fairly new at this so don't punish yourself. It will get better it will take some time until your head stops spinning. It has taken me over a year and at times I have those thoughts.

I didn't make friends easily either, guess what? A 180 for me and my social life has exploded. Try it talk to people smile and live....

When you find yourself thinking of W think of a big red stop sign see if that helps


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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"I'm truely trying to take the advice from here."

And yet there was a task I asked you to perform in my post.

"My emotions are getting the best of me. It's hard to just flip a switch after 13yrs and not seeing my boys all the time."

Got it. Understand it completely. This is normal and expected. It is actually one of the first things pointed out in the book. It is the one thing you need to control the most. When you forcibly remove something from someone they want it more. Think 2 kids with one toy. Just as you know there is plenty of time to play with the toy.. they both want it right now.

"I have not seen her in little over a week. We have just been doing things that we have had her mom switching or getting the kids. I want to avoid her as much as I can. Maybe then she might wonder about me like some have said."

Doing things with a "motive" is not the way you want to approach this. You have to think back on when you were dating.. or if you are dating now. What was/is attractive about you? How did you do things way back in the day? My favorite word to describe it is coy. You were trying to get her to talk to you because you found her attractive. You acted silly and said funny things. You most likely smiled alot. How does that compare to you now?

"I have been going out a little and doing things I did before this all happened. Which has made me feel better."

Based on everything you said after that statement leads me to believe your GAL activities are not very good. GAL will pull your mind out of things. It will be something that you could think about doing and it will stop you from thinking about your stitch. Try new things!!

Do or Do Not.. There is no try.


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


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