Got back from the trip a day ago, and it was really good. We connected a lot more, and had some very romantic and fun filled days/evenings. Truly wonderful time away with my H. He is definitely more expressive, warm, caring.
In fact, in the morning on the second day out, he just kissed me out of the blue (I was half asleep), and it was so sweet. He's actually complimenting me now, and I compliment him now every chance I get. Our sex lives have come back to life more consistently, passionately, loving and fulfilling.
OK, so what happened?
Well, starting off on the trip was a bit tense, but we got through that. I was a bit late and stressed because I was running late. I then forgot my passport and we had to turn around to go get it. I was ever so apologetic, and fortunately my H didn't freak out - which he would have done in past. I took responsibility for it, and we moved on. I also made sure I explained what had happened that morning and made sure I took full responsibility. Fortunately, we were not charged more for the late arrival for the next train.
The funny thing is that on the way back, and also catching the train, my H wanted to take a detour which I was fully supportive of. It did delay us again, and we again missed our train. He was apologetic, and I repeated that there was no need to apologise as I too was fully in support of his detour. We were not charged for that change of train either. So, someone was smiling down on us.
What I'm doing a lot these days is being very clear in my communication, don't put any blame anywhere, and certainly never shout. If I am late or forget something, I apologise and try to make up for it (if required). I sincerely compliment him, and I am finding myself quite able and willing to give him his time and space. As a result, he is asking me over more, asking me to do more things with him.
I feel a lot more secure with him as a result of all this because his own communication is getting better too (maybe taking cues from me?), and is a lot more forgiving too. I notice the efforts he is making and I appreciate that.
The most wonderful thing I feel emanating from him is his gentleness. He had covered that side of himself up for so long, it gives me feelings of love just thinking about it.
I've kept all my promises of no shouting, and if it carries on this way, I don't think I'll have a reason to shout ever again, haha!
I would say all the effort is definitely far more mutual again, and balanced, and my feelings of love are strong and steady. I'm happy
oh my YC- i have to go read your earlier posts - but just this last one - oh i'm so so delighted for you - so delighted - and for your h too.
this is so wonderful - that you both have reached this point in what seems like a pretty short time - though i know, not for you
i liked so much to hear what you said about your h being gentle and how he had hid it for so long. that must feel so wonderful for you after all the turmoil.
there's a real healing quality to gentleness - and i'm so glad that you have that at play here
keep us updated with what is going on and i wish you both well:)
(((((((( ))))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I feel a lot more secure with him as a result of all this because his own communication is getting better too (maybe taking cues from me?), and is a lot more forgiving too. I notice the efforts he is making and I appreciate that.
Massive high five for this one Yankee, keep noticing his efforts & keep showing him you appreciate them for that virtuous circle to keep cycling!!
Well done for hanging in there!!
Sounds like someone maybe should think about heading over to Piecing
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I had no idea whether we would make it to 'the other side'. However, I can give a recap of my sitch in hindsight that might help someone here who is hanging onto hope - in what appears to feel like a hopeless situation.
First of all, reading DB was a total godsend. It was a true roadmap and I get what she is saying (now). Without it, I would have made all the wrong moves. So, it laid a very sensible foundation down in a highly emotional and senseless time. I referred to it time and again, and I also bought some of the other MWD books to help give me further ideas about about my own behaviour modification.
This forum has also been extremely supportive and helped me to understand the techniques. Reading through everyone's sitch's helped me not to feel so isolated and alone. It was also great to hear about the techniques being put into practice.
On an individual level, deep down I had a feeling it just wasn't over. I've had break ups in relationships before, and this break up didn't feel the same (deep down). This is a tough one to sift through because you don't know if it's wishful thinking or if it's true. Whatever the case may be, I didn't feel it to be 'the end' and I held onto that (as much as was possible).
That was really tough at times because he kept repeating, at the beginning of the S, that he didn't want to lead me on and that he never indicated in any way that we were together or would get back together. He would also repeat that when he was done, he was done and that was that. That was really hard to hear and bear not just because it really sounded like the end of a M, but also because it made me continuously question whether I was deluding myself, in denial and whether I should just get on with my life alone.
When I would go in that single life direction, it felt AWFUL. Not wanting to feel that way, I carried on believing my deep down feelings - that it wasn't over. In fact, right at the beginning of this process, I had a strong intuition as well, and always remembering that intuition helped to reinforce me working for my M.
That's what really kept me persevering (as much as I wanted to give up at times), but at the same time it's like I was competing with this desire to protect my emotions/welfare just in case it didn't work out. So, that is where the true battle was taking place. Maybe that is ego vs soul? Doubt vs. belief/intuition.
I think the most difficult aspect was sifting through the barrage of emotions, seeing clearly, and not letting all the emotions get the best of me. It was a deep lesson in self understanding.
Another factor was the sex. Right from the beginning of our December 2011 S, our therapist suggested to my H that if he was serious about ending the M, to cut off all intimate relations with me. I was incensed by that suggestion, and actually cut her out of my life entirely. Taught me serious lessons about therapists. I managed to restore that aspect 5 months later.
Our sex life was pretty healthy throughout - the usual ups and downs but pretty healthy. This was another reason I knew that it couldn't possibly be over. When previous R's ended, I wouldn't touch an ex with a barge pole - but that's me. Others might be different in this area. In my mind, if I am revolted by someone sexually or in no way can imagine having sex with my partner, there is no way in hell a R will ever recover. Of course, it does help that the partner is taking care of themselves, making an effort to be attractive and all that, but when it's not there anymore, the R is over.
Let me say this - men - toes and feet are VERY important. My H has always kept his feet good looking and I appreciate that. The summer is just about over and I've seen WAY too many unkempt men's feet. So, clean and cut the toenails, shape them, moisturise your feet, get rid of dead skin. Add to that that there are too many men I've seen with nose hairs growing too long and eyebrows completely out of control. There are small scissors that exist for a reason. Maybe it's a summer thing, I don't know. Also, wear things that flatter you.
Likewise with the women - keep yourselves attractive by working with what you have and making the most of it. No cosmetic surgery is necessary. Love and accept yourselves for who you are and work it.
Anyway, I always made sure I was looking my best - even as I was trying to lose weight, I still worked with that I had and made the most of it. Hair, make-up, nails, feet - very important. It is noticed, even if nothing is said and no compliments come your way from your H, keep it up. My H was not complimenting me during the S at all, but it doesn't mean they don't notice.
It all does take time and effort, and can easily be seen as part of your GALing program. It's a personal investment in yourself, and if you don't invest in yourself, why should your S?
That would be my personal 2x4 for anyone not taking care of themselves.
ANYWAY!
Having spoken to my H, he also said that despite all the damage and feelings of hopelessness he felt in regards to our R, that he still felt a pull to keep going with the R, deep down, that he didn't know why but anyway...something he couldn't just ignore.
I did my 180's in my behaviour over the course of the S - which actually started back in August 2010 (our first S). Lots of change and soul searching for both of us since then, lots of back and forth and finding our feet. But when he said he was 'done' on December 31, 2011, I was still in total shock. It's been 8 months of working hard at changing my attitude, changing my communication, developing my appreciation, and eventually realising that authenticity is where it's at. I had tried being ever so nice (the Stepford Wife Syndrome) during our first reconciliation, and saw that it was a dead end and totally unsustainable in the long run. My H also commented on how fake I was and was not attracted to that.
Success comes in being who you are, taking responsibility for your own choices and decisions in every detail, being independent, letting go of the past, being forgiving and accepting and still holding one's boundaries in a non-confrontational manner.
There is a TON of growth here for everyone in these sitch's, and growth is painful.
To succeed this time, I realise I need to see this second chance as a new R, and appreciate MYSELF as well as my H as much as possible. I've learned loads. No doubt, there is still loads more to learn.
Ok, I'm off to piecing but will keep an eye on this portion of the forum.
Thank you everyone, and I wish you well too on your learning journey.
