Wow, it's been 2 months since I last posted on here. Time really does fly! So, I guess I'm back cos I need some support and advice about what to do next.
The situation is that me and W are getting on better than we were in the past and she talks about 'us' in the future rather than 'her' although she till talks to me like dirt most of the time and I can't do anything right, I'm still living seperetly which is what we both still want at the moment. I'm absolutely certain now that this is her having a MLC and isn't WAW wife syndrome, I could write a book on why I think that is the case!
But we/I'm kind of stuck, I dont get angry anymore, we've stopped talking on Sunday evening as that wasnt getting us anywhere and just kept opening up old wounds but because shes been ill I've been round there a lot more and (as she says) she can bear to be around me more now. I just privately get frustrated at times that things are going so slowly and I am getting very very lonely.I think what hasn't helped is although I had got quite detached, I got sucked back in quite a bit while she was ill (gallbladder problems) and it felt like the situation was getting better but I applied a little pressure yesterday and didn't get anywhere and managed to annoy her a bit - mind you everything I do seems to annoy her!
It really feels like shes pushing me away but also keeping me close all the time.
So any suggestions as to what to do next? I still haven't mastered the art of patience although I am getting better at it. I realised that now shes getting better from her gallbladder problem I need to detach more again and GAL again, but any other suggestions will be greatfully received.
DBing isn't really working in this situation as shes so caught up in mental confusion/depression that it doesn't really help but I am very strictly following the mantra " Is what I'm about to do going to help or hinder my marriage" and that has helped me push through some tense and tough times as well as go that extra mile at other times.
If your W really is MLC, don't doubt that DBing is helping. It is likely it just isn't showing results yet, because until your W starts coming out the other side, she will be unable to process and integrate (accept and appreciate) your improvements. My understanding is, if a S is MLC, they remember the positive actions and language in which we conduct ourselves.
If they end up being someone we want to R with, then so be it. If not, then so be it. If they can handle the damage and believe we are truly there for them even with all that has happened and they can forgive themselves, then they might find their way back and ask to R.
If your W is MLC, then all you have is time... how you spend it and how you interact with your W is up to you... the better you handle yourself and the sitch, perhaps the more likely there will be a positive outcome...
Thanks KD, she does notice some improvements but doesn't outwardly acknowledge them positively, eg there's one thing that really annoyed her in the past which I accidently did the other day, so out of 1000 opportunities to do this thing she picked up on the 1 time I did. I guess when I say DBing doesn't work I mean I don't ever get positive results just not negative results and I will keep doing them, but a lot of them are now my natural behaviour. Going to get back to looking for more 180's though, I had fun doing opposites and seeing the reaction.
Theres not much more I can do to be a perfect husband at the moment and I actually ask her if theres anything I'm doing wrong or would like me to do every week and normally the answers no.
You do sound like you are doing the right things to at least keep the road home paved and smooth, as it were...
I find that I can do something positive and not have it recognized or sometimes I will get a "thank you"... it's rare... if I do something negative or really and persistently "poke the bear" I CAN get a negative reaction... not always, but usually... yet even if it is really "bad", my W still will not file or even threaten D... she does everything in her power to outwardly not emotionally connect with me, whether it is positive OR negative...
So yeah, even the negative stuff doesn't get much response... it's like those times when you are out and about, maybe in a bush walk, and see movement in the periphery of your vision, yet when you look directly at the spot you thought you saw movement, there is none... you begin to discount your own senses and instincts...
Have fun with the 180s... and have fun with life... just try to keep on the high road, even if you finally decide you are done... if nothing else, you will know that no matter the results of a R of the M or a D... you had a positive impact...
BTW, my W actually said to me recently, "You're a good guy, you just have some sh1T to figure out." She just can't seem to come up with any examples of the things I need to figure out... ???
Yeah, apparently everything is my fault too! She's got to the stage over the last few months of changing everything else in her life, she wants a new job, new house, re-decorate the whole house, moving furniture around, getting new furniture, wanting to lose weight (while eating loads!), etc etc, all stuff that is not normal behaviour for her. What really throws me at times is she has a right go at me one minute and then doing things like making me coffee the next (which she never did when we were alright!) and then there's the laughing, angry and crying and then back to laughing again in literally 5 mins. What's good I guess is our R is starting to feel like it did before the whole Nick situation, which is a positive I think, and over the last week she has asked me twice how I am, which I think is the first time in about 6 months. And after our big 'upset' Saturday night when I pushed it a little the next day she cooked my favourite tea.
I really wish I could hold a mirror upto her and give her a clear mind for a while so she could see how she behaves at times.
Oh well, back to playing it cool but being available and ready to help where possible.
So I've really got back into this site again reading up more on MLC, been crying like a baby over some parts, which for someone who hasn't cried for over 10 years till the **** hit the fan 6 months ago is really freaky for me.
Over the weekend I got really low and I mean REALLY low which led me to stirring the pot which is when I tested the waters a little on Saturday night where I told her I was feeling very very lonely and she started crying and apologised for making me feel that way, then I tried to get her to talk about her feelings and wouldn't take no for answer for over half an hour, this was due to frustration from just wanting to help her and get a better picture of what was going on and really upset her in the process. Sunday morning I didn't go round like usual for Sunday and she rang asking what was going on and I said I just needed time to think, I was close to giving up on the R and life. But a very long drive and some window shopping (I am a bloke honest!) helped me calm down and went round later in the day to find she was cooking my favourite sunday roast with all MY favourite trimmings! This was nice considering I didn't exactly behave the best the previous night. I then spent most of the afternoon with the kids planting seeds in the garden. Another thing she said was that I annoyed her by going round everyday last week and texting her more often - this was a continuation of me going round everyday when she was ill to look after her/the kids and do housework, as it felt right like things were getting better between us. After thinking about it and kinda been confirmed by reading on here that it may just have been too much and she was effectively saying back off a little. The old analogy of the feral cat/squirrel comes to mind.
Monday I went round in the afternoon to babysit while she went out with her sister and a mutual friend but left soon after the were back. Today I didn't text her all day and at 6pm she rang me asking me about a random tax letter she found on the table, easily could of waited till tomorrow when I normally go round but I hung on till the end- must remember to finish the conversation myself!
Also shes been really confused lately eg. shes been looking at getting an xbox and kinect (2 weeks ago it was a new laptop) and she genuinely thought the 4gb version had more memory than the 250gb version and couldn't fathom it out and yes normally she would know the difference!
The trigger for this whole MLC I'm sure was her dad dying just over 3 years ago so I reckon she has been in it for almost 3 years and thinking back the last couple of years haven't been good and I think it really needed to come to a head and it feels like she is starting to come out of it slowly. My biggest fear at the moment is wether I can hang on long enough - I just need to detach more again, which I've done alright with today and really need to GAL again after her illness/operation.
Over the weekend I got really low and I mean REALLY low which led me to stirring the pot which is when I tested the waters a little on Saturday night where I told her I was feeling very very lonely and she started crying and apologised for making me feel that way, then I tried to get her to talk about her feelings and wouldn't take no for answer for over half an hour, this was due to frustration from just wanting to help her and get a better picture of what was going on and really upset her in the process. Sunday morning I didn't go round like usual for Sunday and she rang asking what was going on and I said I just needed time to think, I was close to giving up on the R and life. But a very long drive and some window shopping (I am a bloke honest!) helped me calm down and went round later in the day to find she was cooking my favourite sunday roast with all MY favourite trimmings! This was nice considering I didn't exactly behave the best the previous night.
That is nice. I hope you were able to thank her with genuine emotion and leave it at that
Originally Posted By: Denton
Another thing she said was that I annoyed her by going round everyday last week and texting her more often - this was a continuation of me going round everyday when she was ill to look after her/the kids and do housework, as it felt right like things were getting better between us. After thinking about it and kinda been confirmed by reading on here that it may just have been too much and she was effectively saying back off a little. The old analogy of the feral cat/squirrel comes to mind.
I don't know that analogy and I'm not sure I want to, but at least she was giving you direct feedback about behaviors that were bothering her. I don't think she was effectively saying to back off, she was DEFINITELY saying to back off! Time to back off a bit!
Originally Posted By: Denton
Today I didn't text her all day and at 6pm she rang me asking me about a random tax letter she found on the table, easily could of waited till tomorrow when I normally go round but I hung on till the end- must remember to finish the conversation myself!
Good for you - see, she reached out to you first! Don't beat yourself up about not finishing the conversation first. It seems like some of the rules are easier to remember and practice once you've messed them up! Maybe set yourself a few goals - 1 day without texting, 2 days without texting, etc. Then you'll feel better after seeing that you can do it.
Three years? That's a long time to keep up your patience. I'm trying to think back to when my H MLC might have started. At least a year ago, maybe 1 1/2 years, but with him being more and more sure he must have a D to move on, it's really hard to detach and still try to have hope.
I wish you the best of luck. Be thankful that she is still giving you the opportunity to be in her life, even if she keeps changing her mind.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
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