Hi, I only found this site 2 days ago - because I suspected my H of 4 years was cheating or doing "something". It was weird because he's always been more of a homebody, always made me feel so loved and special - and as much as I've always had trust issues, I never felt he was being unfaithful. I still get jealous, but that's my stuff. I will need to work on that. I was looking at his cell phone records, because he's been going out after work more frequently (works late in a restaurant); and I just had a weird feeling. I just thought for someone who didn't like to go out that much, 1-2 x a week was a lot. So I noticed a number I didn't recognize, and it began appearing 5 days ago, and showed up every day until today when I confronted him.
The caller had called him a few times, really late at night, like about when he gets off from work. A few of the calls were 6 min, then one was 12 min. 2 days ago when I had left to meet a friend, there was a call from him to her - 45 minutes. That might not seem strange to someone, but my H does not speak on the phone. To anyone. Even when we speak, it's always quick. We always joke that he never uses his minutes on his cell. Anyway, when I confronted him about who he was speaking to (didn't tell him I had seen her #) - he said he didn't speak to anyone, much less any women on the phone, never went out w women after work, just the guys. He flat out denied it 50 times. I begged him to be honest, and said that I just wanted to know if there was anything he wanted to tell me. He assured me there was nothing, and that he loved me so much, bla bla bla. So I (falsely) told him that someone had gotten in touch with me anonymously to tell me he was getting cozy with a girl; by now I knew her name because I called the # and her name was on her VM. He still denied it, and wanted to know who would do that, because he'd make sure they were fired. Bla bla bla. We talked about it yesterday, and last night, and then this morning. When I went out to run an errand this a.m., for a few min, he changed his cell website password which showed the phone records. I couldn't take it anymore, and told him I had her number and showed it to him. He still denied it and got avoidant. I kept asking him to just tell me the truth, and told him I knew more. He kept asking "what do you think you know? tell me what you know?" To me, that was solid proof. Who says that if they're innocent?
I then showed him the phone records of their calls (I had saved some) and he still denied it. It was ridiculous. It ended with him saying that I should move out. (we both know that wasn't going to happen). I told him that he should (although I cannot afford the rent here). Consequently he packed up his stuff, took our 2 dogs who I love like children (we have no kids) and left. I was so angry. I kept asking why he couldn't just be a man and come clean. He was indignant. I texted the girl to call me and when she found out who I was she said "u have the wrong #". I'm so angry, hurt and kind of numb. I'm like, did that just happen?
I know there are 180 rules we can abide by here. I just chose to be confrontative because I wanted this resolved one way or the other. It's torture, and it's the only way I could get "some" kind of answer. The truth is I love him and we had a really good marriage. We do/did fun things, are (I thought) in love, and are always doing nice things for each other. Sure we have fights, but ultimately I always felt it was genuine. So that's it. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I haven't told anyone but you guys.
He probably has nowhere to go (she has a boyfriend she lives with I think). I'm kind of glad that he has nowhere to go, but I'm so sad. I just wanted a good marriage. I don't want a divorce, but I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with lying and/or cheating. Please give me your insight. Does this kind of thing change? Do they admit it after they leave? I know he adores me, but why would he leave unless he was caught? I'm so confused. I've read a lot of great things here in the past couple of days and I could use your help.
This is going to sound funny but I have an update since yesterday. I found out the truth - my H was fooling around with a coworker for the past 3 weeks, in their cars. Really disgusting. I spoke to both of them. They both say they didn't have "sex" but he admitted they were intimate. She only called me back because I threatened to tell her boyfriend of 2 decades. (I still really want to tell him). My H has since called me, crying and apologizing, and sounds like he's having a nervous breakdown. He said he's going to end it with her today and that he led her to believe he had feelings for her when he didn't. He said he didn't know why he did what he did. I was surprisingly calm, and thanked him for being honest finally. I told him that he could continue to see her if that's what he chose, but I want no part of it. If there was ever a chance for a future together, there would need to be NC. Period. They work together so I really don't know how it will play out. I'm trying not to have expectations, but what I really want to do is go down there tonight and tell the whole place, and see who she is and yell at her - and make them both feel bad. (yeah right). The sad part is that I don't want it to reflect badly on my H. Maybe because I don't want it to make me look bad. It also might sound horrible to say that I'm kind of enjoying that he's in pain. Maybe it will make him realize what he's done. Anyway, I wanted to ask for some feedback or advice from the forum - two things: where do I go from here with my H? As of now he's not living here, and I don't want him to think this is ok and all is forgiven. It's not. But I don't want to D if I don't have to, and if things improve.
Secondly, I don't know if I should pursue telling her partner? She's beside herself about that, and I have to say I really don't care. I feel like she participated in hurting not only me, but her partner - and according to my H, she thinks they're going to be together. (her and my H). I don't want to do anything that will backfire on me, but I really want to be firm and strong. Right now I'm dying to text her that she's going to pay for this.
i don't really have much advice, as i'm in a similar situation, but my h is still living with me. i sent the ow an email telling her never to call or contact either of us again. i feel a little better, but i am careful not to get sucked into more drama. i realized that ow LOVES drama and excitement and if i get into a knock-down, drag out fight, it's just giving her what she wants. so after i had my peace, i blocked her email and phone numbers. i don't feel the need to contact her h (he knows about the ea, but not that it turned into a pa) and let him know. that's her marriage to repair or destroy. she'll do one or the other soon enough. i'm focusing my attention on my own marriage for now. ow has had enough real estate in my head, so i don't want to give her any more.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Bestgal, if you believe you are jury, judge, and executioner, then tell the OW's BF.
The harsh reality is, disclosure of affairs can very often lead to some form of physical violence. There is no telling this BF you want to tell isn't prepared to be violent with his GF... or your H... or even you...
Please think long and hard about that. Would you want to be responsible for being his trigger?
Also, please try to understand that cheaters lie. If he says they talked, they probably hugged intimately, if he says they hugged, they probably kissed, and so on...
So you need to decide, is cheating a deal breaker for you?
If not, then it is time for you to take a moment and understand your part in this. Did you "cause" him to cheat? No, of course not. But...
People do things because they are filling some need for themselves. What was this OW giving him, that he felt he was unable to get from you? He is not innocent by any means... but in order for your M to work, it's time to work on yourself and become a woman that only a fool would leave...
Please pick up and read the book "Divorce Remedy". And keep posting here as things continue for you. Others will be along to help support you through this.
Thank you for the feedback...I was totally listening. I held off on creating any more drama and trying to get in touch with her BF until I was thinking more clearly and/or heard a more sane opinion, and I got it! I don't want to be the arbiter of anyone's conduct, because that will likely backfire and it's not the high road that I want to take. I thought it might have been the right thing to do, but I get that it isn't. I don't want to be the catalyst for anyone getting hurt either. Although if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind her getting hurt. Because I'm hurting so much. It's how I feel.
I ordered both books as soon as I found this board a couple of days ago, so they should be here soon. This pain is almost too much to bear, and I'm still kind of numb, so I want to be ready for anything, and I definitely want to react the right way. Why have two married clueless people walking around, when there can be just one?
I never thought I'd say this, but no - cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Repeated cheating? Probably. Because to me that says, "I have a ticket to walk all over you, thank you for the free pass." At this point, I don't know if he broke it off. I told him the other day before we spoke on the phone that I wasn't ready to see him in person. Part of me is confident he'll stop this affair now. The other half of me doesn't believe a thing he says. I was relieved that he was remorseful, but that's only a small flash of hope.
I'm getting that I need to focus on me - and not for him. I'd really prefer to focus on him, but how's that been working out for me? I think that although his cheating was his choice, I have a huge part in why this M has been rocky on some levels. I have been jealous and distrusting and angry when I got scared. I probably backed him into a corner, or smothered him, or both. I hate that I have. But all I can do is the best I can do starting today. I have resisted the urge to text, call or email. Today I'm going to try to get out and GAL!
I appreciate that this board is here, and that you guys are listening and sharing your stories for us newbies. I'm sure it's not going to be smooth sailing, and I need the support. I'm not planning to tell my family or friends (I've told one) unless all is said and done and over. For now, I'd like to think that this M is salvageable, I just don't know how yet.
I totally get wanting the affair partner to feel some pain. Like I said, the harsh reality can lead to serious domestic violence. I don't keep count, but in our community (of under 5000) over my short lifetime, there have been combinations of murder and murder / suicide and plenty of other violent acts due to infidelity or jealous spouses.... so yeah... not good... In fact, police are instructed that domestic violence are some of THE most dangerous situations to be called to. Crimes of passion...
I don't know what the worst part is... I know what you mean about being "numb"... my sitch was that I walked in on what I felt was an inappropriate sitch, even if it wasn't a blatant, physical display of infidelity... I did the whole "deer in headlight" thing... then walked out...
It gets better. The pain eventually goes away...
Understand... really, really understand... even if the affair spouse denies or somewhat admits... often, in their mind, they aren't REALLY cheating... because they have rationalised WHY they are having an A. That may or may not be the case for your H. And even with the rationalisation, they may feel some guilt...
But what I'm trying to get at is, don't expect an apology. From EITHER your H or the OW. You MIGHT get one. But often enough they feel justified and don't feel they need to apologise.
As I've gone through my own journey, truth be told, I emotionally left my M 6 years ago. No, I wasn't actually making a choice to leave, nor was I having nor considering an A. But... I made no further effort to keep us connected because I just felt defeated from all the prior effort and then top that with accusations (at least my W felt that way) of my lack of contribution to the family, the upkeep of the house and yard (I was the stay at home parent... I kept up as best I could), and contridictory messages saying I should be contributing financially to the household, then being told I was away from the family too much (because I was out doing jobs)...
So yes, we do contribute. That was my contribution. And I can see how I stopped meeting my W's needs so why she would seek elsewhere.
That's the rational mind speaking. Add that to what is probably a slight MLC on top of that, and woo-hoo...
So again, just start to believe that things will get better. They WILL. And what ever little bit you can do for yourself at this time, do it. And if/as your H may attempt to reconnect with you, bite your tongue and take it slow. This is YOUR boundaries and it will take you time to get through this. DO NOT allow him to pressure you if he chooses to commit to you and the M.
Eventually, if both of you are ready, you may want to go to MC. Specifically to a pro-M counsellor who uses SBT and also has experience working with infidelity.
Keep posting here to vent and ask any questions and we will be here to support you.
Thx for that Kaffe Diem. Nice to hear that you can relate. I feel so supported here already, which I never thought would happen... the interesting thing is that I already got a heartfelt apology over the phone (I didn't want to see him and still kind of don't). I know he meant it, but I'm so screwed up about this right now that I don't believe anything. Like anything. He wants to talk, but knows I'm not ready to really talk. I do have a question for you or for anyone: if your S is trying to reconnect and talk about it (and its only been 3 days since discovery) how soon is too soon? I do want to go slow because I need to know that I'm making the right decisions, but how do I approach this? Do I ask if he's still seeing her? Do I wait to bring up our M and his commitment to it? How does a smart conversation go, this early on? I just don't know how to speak to him. I don't want him to think I'm being too kind, and mistake that for an easy way back in. But I do want to get to the question of what his plan is going forward. I feel like if I ask that too soon, I'll appear needy and giving control back too soon. I know everyone's different in these scenarios, but maybe some suggestions on what would be a wise way to proceed this early on would help. He called today to ask what I was planning to do as far the living situation - I got laid off a few weeks ago so he knows I don't have enough money to go anywhere at this point. Which brings me to another question: when/how do you set parameters for living quarters? We live together in a really small place. Since the A happened, he is living out of his car.
He said he'd continue to pay the rent for another month or two, and can live out of his car if I wanted, for a that time. I said that was a good idea, although I wanted to tell him to move back in. I'm so confused, I don't know which end is up.
First things first - IF you do decide to take him back, MAKE HIM DO THE WORK. Figure out now what that would look like - marriage counseling, dating while he lives somewhere else, complete transparency (as in access to his phone records etc)?
DON'T just say "all is forgiven" and take him back without the commitment to do what it takes to heal the marriage.
Second - you're doing a good job of detaching and going dark, it's made him think pretty quickly about what he might lose and that's working out well in your sitch I think. Don't be too quick to become available to him.
Third - what is his marital history, and yours? Does he have a history of cheating in the past? How long sdid you know him before you married him?
Because four years into a marriage is pretty soon to be cheating, unless the cheater is a person with a fidelity problem in general.
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I think that although his cheating was his choice, I have a huge part in why this M has been rocky on some levels. I have been jealous and distrusting and angry when I got scared.
Don't you think it's possible that you were jealous and distrusting because you were picking up on the signals that he wasn't trustworthy? After all, you were right about this episode - were there other incidents in the past that you might have been correct about, but but he turned it back onto you not "trusting" him?
Also - is there a substance abuse problem involved here?
Right now stop answer his calls. He's playing the pity card. He's apologizing, yet not saying that he wants back in the M. Total bull. Stay strong and have him want to come back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
