Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

I thought I'd start a new thread since my old one has gone beyond the recommended 10 pages.

My H recently returned from his trip to the midwest where the suspected OW lives. For those of you unaware, I have not confirmed the A but am pretty confident. On previous trips, he has been more distant and seemingly troubled when he returns. The couple times that he's mentioned separation have been shortly following his return. This time however, he was fairly upbeat. He joined my D and me for our customary Monday evening dinner and discussed some of the contract work he did and showed me pictures from a luau party he went to. In a way, it was good to see him seemingly upbeat. But the following day (yesterday) I had a really bad day. For some reason, it all hit me all at once. He seems to be getting comfortable with this life. He seems content with having his jollies abroad and still maintaining somewhat of a family life at home. Although I've known this is the situation for awhile, it just seemed particularly bad yesterday. I hate the lies that are associated with it. I know my H probably feels that the marriage is over so in his mind he's not married and is doing nothing wrong. But he's not being honest and I know it. And it is SO difficult to smile and pretend that I'm completely oblivious. But again, I know that confronting or bringing the A out into the open will do NOTHING to make the situation any better and won't change a thing.
I am doing my part by making myself as unavailable as possible while still maintaining civilities and pleasantries. I've stopped logging onto IM where he tended to chat with me a lot. I'm doing my best to move on with life "as if" he's not coming back but the reality of the situation is difficult at the moment. I've recently been cut to part time and am still trying to coordinate how to make up that lost income while still managing to work around my D school schedule while NOT relying on H to pick her up. He, thus far, has always been willing to do so but I don't want to count on anything.

I have my brother's wedding in a few weeks and it will be hard to be there without him. My H and brother are like brothers (my H met my brother when he was 6). It is a shame he will not be present and I know at some point, he will deeply regret it. And I'm totally not looking forward to the holidays....sigh.....one of those weeks I suppose.....

[ericmsant2]

Alb

And it is SO difficult to smile and pretend that I'm completely oblivious.But again, I know that confronting or bringing the A out into the open will do NOTHING to make the situation any better and won't change a thing.

Yes it is difficult Alb..I found that during my very difficult times I needed to keep reminding myself WHY I was doing this. As hard as it may be, you need to realize that you are doing something.....

You are acting "as if"....

You are allowing your H the room he needs....

You are balancing the changing dynamics in your sitch....

You are allowing YOUR actions to do YOUR talking.....

Alb - there will come a time soon, when you will realize just how much YOU are really in control.

Chin up...your doing really well.

Eric

[Albuquerque]

Thanks Eric,

Even though I know it's the right thing, it's hard not to question my sanity sometimes. It's great to have this forum so that I can be reminded that I'm on the right path.

[irishblessings]

Alb -
I am so sorry for your tough week. I am so appreciative to have this board as well and to know there are people out there struggling through the EXACT situations. It sure feels lonely in my "real world." I feel so disconnected to how the friends I have had for 17 years here now live - because I am the only one currently separated or "not married."

The wedding thing will not be easy. I have been a part of my BILs life since he was 9 and now he has cut that tie. He is my H's only true support at this time. I definitely let him know I was not looking for anyone to join Team H or Team Me - but I don't think anyone can truly mediate an MLC situation. So I plan to keep communicating during holidays, birthdays, etc. Looking down the road I am hoping that no matter what happens - if I have stayed consistent then maybe there won't be so many broken relationships to mend.

I was also thinking about you and the wedding and the fact that your D is at such a great age for these kinds of events. Immerse yourself in her joy and share the beauty of these moments with her. I so don't want my kids to get a bad impression of what an amazing step a marriage truly is.

Keep posting!

[ericmsant2]

Alb

Just remember...

so that I can be reminded that I'm on the right path.

You define the path and YOU define how to walk it and for how long....only YOU.

Eric

[TAMF]

Al - tough week! You are doing great, really. All of the fun new things that you are doing. Your D sees a strong role model - someone who believes in love and marriage and that it is not all fun and games - it is work too. She is seeing the value in love even when it is at its worse. this can only help her grow and develop into the woman you hope she becomes.

Stay the course - I will be needing you to help me stay the course too!

[freema]

Al I love your quote!
I have been in your situation and know how tough it is. I learned that working on yourself, especially relearning what makes you happiest and doing those things is the key. The happier you are, the more he will want to share in that happiness.
He unwittingly does the same thing by showing you his fun pictures of luaus etc. Show him your own luaus!
Took me years to learn this.

[Albuquerque]

Thanks IB, Eric, and TAMF,

I appreciate your kind words. And thanks for the reminder to be a strong rolemodel for D. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own turmoil that we can often forget we are always being observed by our children. Eric, I know only I can choose my path, but I would hope that if it appears I'm doing something really dumb, everyone feels free to bring out the 2x4s.

Freema,

I use my quote to constantly remind myself of why I'm doing this and why I'm putting up with all of the BS that comes along with it. Helps keep me grounded.
It's interesting you mention the happiness aspect. I have noticed what you say. I posted some pics recently of my D and I trying our hand at the shooting range. He sent me an email asking me about it and saying that it's something he's always wanted to do but he didn't because "he sucks". Further insight into their internal turmoil.

[Albuquerque]

OK I'm really hoping for some feedback and some feedback quick. I've been working hard these last few weeks at being scarce with H. I've only sent him one email regarding D. He said he'd call to follow-up. Never did (wasn't expecting him to). Been turning off IM and not responding to any emails of his that didn't really warrant a response.
Last night, he sent a few emails to indicate that he was catching up on some shows that we always enjoyed watching. He knew that I had already watched the finales. I didn't really respond. Then he sent one in which he made a funny sexual comment about some of the characters. I thought it was weird that he would do so (and I DID find it funny), but as is/was typical me, I sent him one right back along with a link I had found online. He sent me a followup email complaining (jokingly) that his thoughts must not be so original if I found stuff like that online. I didn't respond. That was about 10:30 pm.

At 2:30 am I had to let the cat out. As I was getting back into bed I hear the email noise go off on my phone. I check it and find 2 emails from H. The first was at 12:30 am. It said

"I miss that. That you follow up on vague, entirely inappropriate comments. Where did we go wrong? "

The second was an hour later and said

"I should have added "totally awesome" to the list adjectives, but the moment escaped me. Ah well, it seem to do that. One of the downsides of being crazy. !!!"

The email noise I heard actually was just junk mail (for those of you doing math). I kind of think alcohol may be a factor given the bad grammar of the second email. And this is NOT the first time he's referred to himself as crazy. He's done that almost since the beginning (post-bomb). But this does represent the first time he's asked about the R. It also seems that he must have been stewing about it for a while since he didn't even send the email until several hours AFTER the event and then was still thinking about it for yet another hour. I find these good signs but I definitely realize this is probably only be a momentary moment of mild clarity.

My question is how best to respond. I, like Punkin did, have often wondered whether he knows I have left the door open for reconciliation when he's ready. I feel like this is my perfect opportunity to do so. I hold no expectations that this is the beginning of any reconciliation.

[Albuquerque]

This is my draft response. Comments appreciated.

I miss your inappropriate comments. I think we both had a role to play in the demise of the marriage as it was, but out of the ashes, with work, we both can arise renewed, stronger, and better. Different, but better. You needed your space, and I think it was for the best. I have never stopped standing for our relationship and I want you to know that the door is open for discussion if you ever choose to reassess the situation.