lost

[tank]

I am lost as to what i should do anymore. Briefly here is my storey. My wife and i were best friends in highschool, then we became highschool sweethearts, when i went to college we went our separate ways. She had 2 children in this time. obe day we happened to bump into each other and we just picked up where we left off.

We have been through a lot together in the last 10 years, she had cancer, we lost a baby because of it, we had 2 children after the doctors said it wasnt possible. We have had our home sink on us (literally), and we have been through a bankruptzy. We made it all the way through this mess of life on my income alone as she was a stay at home mom. when our last child started school she got a job.

all seemed weel, she worked in the morning and picked our daughter up from school at lunch and they had girl time. well the next year daughter was full day of school, wife kept coming home later and later. She went on a girls trip to a local amusement park. Her brother told me she was with a male coworker from work. I talked to her and she assured me they were just friends. this behaviour went on for a couple of months, i was checking her cell phone and we she kept telling me it wasw harmless, they were just friends.

Well we all know what happened, it was an affair. She left, i have a signed separation agreement giving me the house and the 4 children, 2 mine and 2 heres. To make it even better, her brother lives with me, and her mother has a 1 bedroom apartment in my basement. She has walked away from her entire family including her grandmother.

I have tried everything to get her to come home. Nothing has worked. She moved right into this guys home, she hasnt paid child support, she has creditors calling constantly, she is boring money from family she hasnt talked to in years. Now she has taken my 2 youngest and spent the weekend with them at her boyfriends house. I dont want that scum bag anywhere near my children.

I have tried everything i can thin of. If anyone has any advise to help me stop my marriage from becoming another divorce statistic, please share. I do love my wife, but i have no options left. The paperwork is ready to file with the lawyers, i just cant seem to give the go ahead to do so. Please help

[FaithnAK]

Sorry you are here.

First and foremost with what I just read, you need to focus on the children.

She left hers with you? Is there drugs involved? Definitely an A, but to leave all 4 children sounds different. Sounds like with the situation you have, you have enough to get full custody, but geez this is a new read for me.

Hang in there Friend. Some Vets will be along to help. Be patient and post again to keep it towards top.

[tank]

I have focused on my children. I was a workaholic. I worked 13-16 hours a day 6 days a week. I have completely changed my life. I work 8 to 5, 5days a week. I have lost 62 lbs, I have learned to cook, I clean and i even do laundry. I have focused on my children and the household. I have begged her, bad Idea. I have tried NC, didnt work. I have stated my boudaries, she doesnt care.

Now i dont even want to see her right now as it hurts to much. It has been 6 months. Until this week her pay has been deposited in my account, and I have given it to her. She has given nothing back in the form of childsupport. I have made sure her car, insurance and her gym membership has been paid. I have stopped that now. I will not pay for her anymore.

On other sites, the advice is to move on with life, file for divorce and be done with it. I really dont want to file for divorce. I want my marriage back stronger and better than before. I have changed so much, yet she doesnt get the chance to see it. You would think with her mom living with me it would be easy for her to see, but she doesnt talk to her family. She moved right i with the OM and has been there since.

1 know fact is that he is a single man who never wants children. He has never been in a relationship that has lasted more than 6 months.

WHat makes a women leave her kids with their dad and their step dad? I dont get it. She was a great mom, made numerous sacrifices for her children, now this.

There was drugs involved, but just pot. Which both of us have used throughout the marriage. usually one before bed. The EA started with her hanging out at his house all afternoon when she finished work and getting high. then it just progressed.

The entire time she said she loved me and wanted to grow old with me. Even when she didnt come home one night and her brother and i were out til 7am to try and find her. She gave me a song and dance and said she loved me. When we finally went into MC, that is when the affair went from an EA to PA.

My last attempt to talk to her, I asked her to come back to MC and see if their was anyway to work it out between us. She has been saying she is going to get her own place but cant afford it yet, I told her if she came to MC, I would help her. She said, "how can I go to MC living where I am living?". I told her it didnt matter right now, we would go, see if things are possible to fix and then go from there. She still said no.

So I have told her I dont want to see her, dont even pull in my driveway. I cant look at her, I still love her with all my heart. Of that I am certain. How do I get her to realize what she has given up? Is there still hope, or should i just pack it in and move on. This is my last resort, please offer any advise you may have.

[DanF]

YOU can't make her realize what she has given up. YOU can't make her realize anything. She has to do that for herself.

Who else knows about the affair? Have you exposed it to her family? I'll try to find Puppy's post on affair busting, but probably the best thing that you can do now is to pull back and stop pursuing her at all.

No more of the I love you's and I want you back. You don't want to be with me and work on the relationship? Then I don't want to be with you either. I will not live in an open marriage and have you disrespect me and our family in this manner.

Read other situations on the boards. Is her stuff all out of the house? If not, pack it up and put it out. Tell her to come and get it.

Read the book Divorce Remedy. It will help. Try to forget about her and focus on yourself, your kids and how to make your life better.

Here is a list of do's and don'ts. Others will be along to help more.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[wanttobebetter]

No more doing things for her...you have been making it easier for her. Sounds like you have started to turn that around. The sooner the enabling stops, the sooner she will start seeing the real world around her that she has created.

[tank]

I have been on the rollercoaster ride for 6 months now. I have focused on the things i need to. My kids have started to adjust, they behave better then ever before, my house is cleaner, they dont fight and our routine is solid. I have become the husband she wanted. To be honest, i love being a dad! work isnt important anymore, they are. I fight everyday to keep them together in my home. I have a father who is taking me for custody now, i get no support from either of the other parents. I have focused on myself. but she can still take my breath away just by walking in the room.

I cant explain it! i did no contact for 2 months. I didnt call, text or email her. I ignored her texts and calls etc. I sent a journal back and forth to her for communication. I have been out with friends, family and yes even on dates. I just cant bloke these feelings. I know i should, and i try, but i seem to fail. Everytime i turn around she does something else.

Everyone knows about the affair in both of our families. Our home is the centre hub for both families. they all come to our house for events and reunions etc. its why we bought the house to begin with. Its hard to keep something like this under wraps. Her mother lives with me. Her whole family was at my house on Labour Day. Both families have told her she is being stupid, no one can understand why she did this.

To this day she cannot give me a reason. I wasnt abusive, I wasnt controlling, I wasnt un emotional, and our sex life was good ( at least 5x per week). I worked hard to provide for her and our children so that she could be a stay at home mom and be with our kids. Once that need changed she got a job and this happened. She worked great hours and had lots of free time.
Now she has just cut everyone out of her life except him and his friends.

Just 3 weeks ago while at a thursday visit with the kids, she cried the entire time. 4hrs of tears in her eyes. She told her brother she hated her life. She told her mother that her and OM were fighting a bit, his mother hates her (i wonder why) and with what happened between us and the kids she is just lost. But she does nothing about it. She has been saying for months she would go get her own place but that hasnt happened, nor do i expect it to.

i guess i am just having a hard time dealing with my whole life dynamic right now. I did put a stop payment on all of her bills. I have provided the collection companies that are calling my house with the OM number and address for them to get ahold of her. i am trying to make it hard for her, but it seems to just make her hate me.

[sandi2]

Tank, this is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with. You sound like a very caring person and that's great for your children b/c I know they must be hurting also.

Here's the thing, you have to decide what your plan of action is going to be. But I can tell you this much...you can not make decisions based on whether or not she will hate you for it. As long as she is in the A with OM it would not make a difference if you gave her the world and everyone else starved to death. Her brain is not working normally. This is not the girl you went to school with and later M.

I believe in consequences for bad behavior b/c if it wasn't for that....then people would not be very good, would they?

I have tried NC, didnt work. I have stated my boudaries, she doesnt care.

But what were the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries? If she suffers none, why would you expect her to change?

I'm not sure I understand how the NC worked (or rather, didn't work) b/c you said you sent her journals. Were you emailing her when you were saying NC?

I'm glad you finally stop paying for everything. Do not help her finacially at all. She has to "suffer" loss in her life. Loss of family, loss of nice home & income, loss of friends, etc. As long as you try to keep her comfy....she and OM will live high on the hog.

It is so hard but I believe that going forward and focusing on your life with the kids is what you have to do. Nothing will work right now. She is going to have to experience some things first. You cannot control her, but you can control other things.

Congrats on losing 60 lbs (if you were overweight). Hope you are taking care of yourself and don't let your health suffer.

Read other threads and you will learn a lot.

Post often, it helps. You are not alone.

[tank]

"I'm not sure I understand how the NC worked (or rather, didn't work) b/c you said you sent her journals. Were you emailing her when you were saying NC?"

Well, the journal wasnt from me to her. It was so i could tell her things about the kids etc. When she crossed a boundary, i took her ability to text me away be changing my phone number. She doesnt have a computer at his house so email is out.hope that explains the journal. I took the texting away as we have texted back and forth for years, just quick notes to say hi and flirt etc. She kept doing this and then would change in person. She was causing me a lot of pain. I asked her to stop and she didnt, so i changed my number.

She will not give me her agreed to child support so i now cancelled all of her car, insurance and gym membership payments.

She was stealing mail etc from my home (she works for the post office) so she is not allowed on my property.

I guess the hard part is she wants me to still be there for her, to be her best friend and someone she can fight with. No i have removed that option from her. She has tried to contact me, but i refuse to talk to her. Everyone in her family and my family is with me on this. She abondond her children, her brother and her mother. None of them will accept this decision of her and her OM. She is blood to them, But these 4 beautiful children are blood also. The family knows the battle i am having with the bio dad for the 2. We have all kind of gotten closer so we can really support each other.

She has given up everything. This women couldnt be away from her kids for 3 days and now she sees them for 8 hours a week and everyother weekend and the oldest 2 she only gets 1 weekend a month their father gets 2 and i get 1. Both our families expected her to snap out of it already, but she hasnt and now she is taking the 2 youngest (mine) to her new home and the OM for her weekend visit. That really hurt me. That was when all this really hit home. I am lost now, and i cant find myself.

[DanF]

I am so sorry for your situation Tank. I have nothing else to offer you except support. I am still new at this, but it sounds like you are doing everything right. Maybe you have to go back to NC and this time even NC with the kids. Do not be there for her in any fashion. Walk away. tell her you are completely done wit this situation and will tolerate it no longer.

Hang in there man. It sounds like you are doing right by your kids and family. What else can you do? I don't know what else to say, except continue to be strong for yourself and your kids.

Sorry that I don't have any answers for you.

Hang tough Tank!!! You are doing great!

[Piano]

Lost, you are doing well and i congratulate you on leading your family and not letting your W's behaviour take you down. You are getting good advice. as Sandi says, post often. She may snap out of it, but only when she's done with her journey, and you can't control that, only protect yourself, your assets and your kids.
I am interested in this idea of a journal to let her know about the kids. Could you give me an idea of the kinds of things you write and how often you send it to her? I presume it's email?