I felt it was about time to discuss my story. I’ve been lurking on various MLC sites for some time and it has been SO helpful to hear everyone else’s stories. There is great comfort in knowing we are not alone in our troubles. I’m 37 and have been married to H40 for 15 years. Last January, he attended a conference he works at every year. During this time, he informed me that he had some anxiety attacks (a new thing). The conference is always hard work for him and he’s under a lot of stress, so while concerning, it seemed understandable. My D13, and I went up to see him a few days later. He seemed amiable enough but a bit distant, something I chalked up to stress. Once he returned home, he seemed very distant. I knew something was wrong but he never said anything. Finally, in February, I got fed up and asked if he was ever going to tell me what the hell was up with him. That’s when I got the ILYBINILWY speech coupled with major revisions in our history. Up to that point, I felt we had a great, solid marriage. Like most of you, I was floored. I got angry, then depressed, then desperate. But as you all know, nothing seemed to help. He told me he intended to move out and even told my D. But no action occurred until I got fed up again in March. I was still so confused and couldn’t understand his actions. I kind of forced the issue of him moving out and he did so. For a while after that, I continued to do everything wrong according to DB. It wasn’t until on a whim, I googled MLC that I realized what the hell was going on. In a way, I was relieved. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy. And for once, things made sense. However, at the same time, the prognosis was made more clear for me and I realized this wasn’t something that was going to be resolved anytime soon, if ever. I read DB as well as other books and realized that everything I had done to that point had only made things worse. My outlook changed. My actions changed. I realized I had to concentrate on me and my D13. It’s been hard. Since my realization, we’ve gotten along good although our conversations are very superficial. When I have to work long days, he watches my D at our house. He often makes dinner and we have nice family meals. But then other times, he falls into his MLC phase. Only recently, I’ve realized there’s OW in the picture. It appears to be a relatively new thing and he doesn’t know I know. But unfortunately, he’s not good at lying. I knew immediately. She lives in a completely different state and they met at the conference. He initially went to that city (according to him) to do some contract work (he’s a software developer) and it was mostly true since when he came home, he showed me some websites he set up. But more recently, I believe she came here to visit and he’s already set up another trip back to that city (supposedly for more software work). But since the trip is mainly a weekend trip, that really doesn’t hold water. Dealing with that realization was very difficult. I was SO tempted to get upset or tell him that I knew. But I chose to remain calm and think on it. As a result, I’ve realized that if he wants to tell me, he’ll do so. Any other actions on my part would be pointless. He’s been slowly moving more and more away from me. Even before the break up I had started doing triathlons. I’m not very good yet, but I get better each race. My first race of the year was shortly after he moved out. Yet on his own, he chose to attend. That was refreshing. As I approached the finish line, I literally burst into tears thinking about all that had happened to me and the strength that it had taken to continue training. The next race, he INTENDED to maybe go to but ended up sleeping in and didn’t make it. But he called and asked about it and apologized for not being there. The next race was out of state but he still called and asked about it. I had another one yesterday. This is the first one post OW. He never mentioned it even though he knew it was scheduled. He came over later to help D13 with computer stuff and said “good job” and asked superficially how the race was, but I could tell he really didn’t care so I kept my answer polite but short. I’ve always considered myself a strong person and I think I am doing about as well as I can do. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, reading others’ posts have helped a lot. I realize that the OW is a part of the MLC but it doesn’t make it much easier. I have a few questions for those of you who have been dealing with this a bit longer than I. First, what have you chosen to tell family members? I’ve only briefly discussed MLC with my sister. I think I will be calling her and giving her a total lesson in the horrors of MLC just so that I have someone else that I can talk to that might be able to understand. Unfortunately, she’ll probably think I’m crazy for staying around. I haven’t wanted to denigrate him in my family’s eyes. I worry that they might treat him differently. Also, what have you told older children? I don’t know what the future holds in regards to the OW. I haven’t told (and don’t plan to tell) my D13 about it. But if it becomes something more serious and he decides to bring it out in the open, would it be recommended to explain MLC to kids to try and help them understand what their parents are doing? Does that make it better or worse? I don’t want anything to get in the way of their relationship. I’m only a few months into this and realize how long things like this can take. I’m in it for the long haul, but not a day goes by that the pain in my heart is not felt. The other major question I have is concerning the journey that the MLCer has to go through. Is there anyone that has any stories about them being helped through their MLC either through books, IC etc? I realize the rule of thumb is that they have to go through this on their own. But do any of them realize they need an extra hand and have found help through external sources? It seems most wouldn’t and don’t care to listen to anything. Thanks for any advice you can provide. I plan to use this forum to vent, journal, and get and provide strength to others in this situation.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Alb, Show MLC'r books = Deny and longer MLC Tell kids and they won't understand and will try to fix for you = longer MLC. Tell family members and they won't understand either. Will make it tougher for you. And that also will be longer MLC. Sorry I have to be so negative on this but you will try each one of these anyway and will learn the sad truth anyway. Vent through the forum like you said and that will help you. This takes time. Learn all you can. All of us here have stories that will make your head spin. All your questions are good though.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
So sorry that you find yourself here. I am relatively new here too and this board has many times been my salvation! I think that from what you have written - you are a strong, insightful person who already has a lot of structures in place to make it through. You may often find yourself questioning and confused about your "new" world because it's tough to insightful people when things don't make sense or are not rational. When things don't make sense ~ take a step away and let it go. I have found it helpful to journal and keep little notecards in my purse and such that "simplify" what is really going on. In other words I note what I believe the reality is and remind myself of it as often as needed to make sure I don't get sucked in to my H's MLC crazy town.
My 25th wedding anniversary is in September and between now and then I am documenting in scrapbook and video for myself and my kids our "history" because H has definitely rewritten it. I don't want that to be their legacy.
I hope you find this board helpful - I certainly have!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Sorry you are here but I can promise you will find a lot of wisdom and solace from the members here. When you need to rant, let'r rip. We can take it, and sometimes give you a perspective of the event you didn't have in the beginning.
My situation is a bit different as at this point the OW has been portraying herself as me in several areas that warrant identity theft. Makes for intersting days.
Do read the resource threads. Go back to them as often as you need. Print off the ones that touch your heart. I did and taped them to my bedroom wall lika a mantra.
There is no definite timeline, as you've learned, and the expected wait time is daunting, to say the least. Just do the best you can to make it about YOU & your KIDS. These are your chief responsiblities, and only he and God can take care of your husband.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Alb: I am sorry to hear your situation but wish you well. One of the hardest lessons all of us had to learn was to let go of our spouses. We cannot control them, and we usually don't really understand what they are feeling either. They probably don't know either. We can see what they do, but then we drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what it means. It's part of the stages we LBS go through, so some of that is inevitable.
However, the sooner you let that rope drop the better you will be. Read the threads, GAL, and learn about yourself as much as you can. This can be a wonderful time for you. That may sounds crazy given where you are, but so many people here have gone further down the road than where you are now, and they report back that they would not trade their journey for anything else, even as hard as it has been. I hope you are able to say that one day. In the meantime, take it one day at a time and keep us posted.
Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate the welcome. I've read the "required readings" and think I'm pretty well on my way. Based on your advice, I WONT discuss this with my sister. I think you're right in that she wouldn't get it. Hell, I don't get it most of the time.
I have already broken a few of the cardinal rules however, and thought I'd be up front and honest about that. A few months ago, out of the blue and in the middle of the night, my H sent me an email in which he apologized over and over and stated that he was scared, miserable, and confused most of the time and didn't know what "broke". As a bit of history, H is the most open minded person I know. I think some of this has actually been developed during what I perceive to be a pre-MLC state. He has been more actively reading a lot about psychology, brain issues, religion vs atheism etc. Therefore, I was in a quandry. He seemed lost and yet I knew (probably) what the problem was. Granted, knowing what the problem is does NOTHING to help the problem. But after much deliberation (and knowing full well the recommendations not to do so) I sent my H a link to a website that briefly described MLC. I did this because I felt he had the searching need in him enough to perhaps get a little sense of the truth of the site. He never really mentioned anything to me after that, although jokingly with me and my daughter he once proclaimed, "If I'm gonna have a MLC then by golly I need to get a Lotus!" (sportscar of his dreams). So I know he read it and didn't end up hating me or even necessarily disagreeing with me. So when I recently read a book that really resounded with me in it's attempts to explain the MLC process and seemed to be able to potentially shed some light for MLC sufferers, I again debated whether or not to recommend it to H. I know FULL well the recommendation against doing so and understand why. However, in a lot of cases, it seems that the WS is just going with the flow and not really questioning the whys of their actions. My H however, has been questioning a lot. It hasn't stopped him from leaving the home and getting an OW, so I'm not saying he's much better than anyone else (dont get me wrong). But knowing his open-mindedness I felt it might warrant a try. But on a deeper level for me, the book showed me the terror, and dark days that the MLCers experience. Were I in a similar state, and my loved ones had a way to potentially help in a little way, I would hope that they would do so. So, because I felt my H had a sliver of a chance of seeing through the MLC fog while reading the book, I went ahead and recommended it via email. I was very succinct that it was not to "fix" anything nor did I hold any expectations that he would read it and certainly no expectations that he'd discuss it with me. I left the book on the TV while I went to work today and he watched my D. He texted me and said he wasn't sure about my recommendation but he'd give it "a whirl" after he was done reading his current book. The fact that there is an OW in the picture is the biggest issue as I see it. While I think he has an open enough mind to perhaps gain some insight into other issues in his life (which are important), I think he's probably too much "in love/lust" right now to think clearly on the folly of the new relationship and/or the mess/loss that he's left behind. So let the scoldings begin. I can take it. Like I said, for me, I feel better about myself. Knowing that I am doing what I can do to help him. Would I like to get our R back? Sure. But that's really not why I did it. Like most of you, I still dearly love him and it hurts me to know the pain that he's going through. I will sleep better at night knowing I did what I felt I had to do. Now we'll just have to see what comes of it (if anything). I still understand it's a journey and know that we're still talking a process of years for him to figure things out. I just hope that in that time, he doesn't mess too many things up.
I'm working on GAL although I am getting disgusted at seeing OW "liking" every friggin' post that my H makes. I've found myself NOT wanting to "like" his posts that I actually like since I know she'll end up doing it too and somehow that creeps me out. It would kind of be a visual reminder of how he's got two women in his life. One he's married to and one he's "in love" with. How bassakwards is that?!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
