I have decided to close my old thread that was entitled “finding me” and have opened this new thread called “healing and moving forward”. I believe that at this point in my life I have found myself and now am more focused on my healing and moving forward as a new man. I no longer stand for my marriage. It is a decision that I did not take lightly. A decision made after much self reflection. After much truth…truth to myself.
I want to say that I call many of you my friend and I will forever be grateful for having the opportunity to know you. I truly am honored to have found you all.
Having said this, only a select few of you understand the true extent of the pain that I felt when I first arrive here. I was a totally broken man. I was confused, lost, hurt and angry…oh yeah…the anger; I remember it so vividly. Unfortunately the anger can still rear it’s ugly head from time to time.
When I first arrived here not only was my M totally F’d up – so was I. At the time I did not know how F up’d I really was. The realization of how F’d up I was came later.
To my friends, know this…I would not have made it, had it not been for these boards and the people that I have met here. I am not ashamed to that this, which for me personally has shown how far I have come.
Most of you understand that I can be a pretty sensitive man and therefore will “understand” this post. Some of you though; may not. For those of you who do not understand me or know me…..this post is MY story - my testimony – a story of a broken man who came across a web site, hoping it would help him change SOMEONE ELSE (his wife) – only to realize that HE was the one that really needed to be changed.
Before I go on with this long post…I would like to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever posted to me. It is song by Jennifer Hudson and it is called “you pulled me through”…
Okay – ‘nuf of the mushy stuff….Ya’ll already think I am way too emotional. AND NO I am not wearing a pink tutu typing this (it is pale blue for the record – LMAO).
As some of you know, I have been in a very emotionally interesting place these past few days and weeks. I have been swamped at work; I have the challenge of being Mr. Mom (although I LOVE IT): and more recently, I now have the struggle of doing everything I can do, to “legally” position myself to show that I am a good father; although everyone who knows me – knows this to be the truth. I’m not saying this to have anyone here tell me that I’m a great dad. I know this already.
In short, I am in a place of “sadness and healing” right now – this is probably the best way to describe it.
Right now, I sit here grieving the loss of my W and my M. Yes I do stand for ME now but this does not mean that the pain just goes away. Yes, I know that I will make it. Yep - no question about it. I will make it. Yes I am GAL’ing and moving forward with my life as if my W is never coming back. I must though, grieve this loss. I must feel it. I must feel it in every sense – in every muscle – in every way. The pain is no longer unbearable for me – it is just that - pain. A piece of hurt that I will carry with me for a long time. I also know that my body and soul will let this go in my time. Is this hurt a bad thing? No – it is a piece of hurt that propels me forward. It is hurt that pushes me to be the man that I want to be…pushes me to do better.
I have often posted my pain…my hurt on these boards. I do this for me and with the hope that I can help another. I put it all out here…for all of you to see. This is who I am. No more f’in mask. Yes I am emotional. I am also strong, I have finally gotten to a place where I can be so open and honest that I really like what I see. I love myself and it took the loss of the women that I love to get me here. Life if funny, the irony of it.
I have not always posted my wife’s pain. And I want to be fair to her. I was planning to post about how she may feel, how good she was/is and then I realized that this would make this about HER and this post is really about me. So out of respect for my W – I will say this. She loved me deeply. She did. She was a wonderful women and I will leave it at that.
So as I said earlier…I wanted everyone to know my story..to know ME. So here goes…
Early childhood - I have never known who my father was – he left 20 bucks on the table when I was born and just walked away. Rumor has it that he was my aunts boyfriend (my mom’s sister). This is the reason that my aunt and mother do not speak. FTR, my mother was married to my older brother’s father. Because of this my brother and I are not tight.
My whole life I was told that “my brother was the favorite and I needed to understand that”. I was told that “we do love you but you are strong and my brother needed the attention (he had asthma)”. So grew up always feeling like a second class child. One that needed to prove that I deserved the attention that I so wanted. I know now that this was not my fault.
My mother remarried when I was about six years old (it was her second – she has been married 4 times) to a drunk driver. He was physically abusive to everyone in the house. He would come home grab his 40 of Shaffer (anyone remember Shaffer) sit on the couch and once hammered her would whip ass. My brother and I would hide under the sofa bed that we slept in. I can still remember him knocking all of us out at one point. They divorced but not before he adopted me. Since I was a “mutt” I guess I needed a last name. When they divorced I went to live with my mother.
Living with “mom” was let’s just say…interesting… A lot of men in and out of the house. A lot pot smoking. One day I woke up and so some guy leaving my mothers room naked and just walking to the bathroom. That was it. I was done. I asked her to live with my father. She agreed. Funny I look at it now and cannot comprehend how a mother could hand over her son to a man that was not his father and was abusive. Soo…anywho….I went to live with my father and new step mother. Who interesting enough did not particularly care for me. My father and NOW my stepmother were abusive. It was a living hell that I lived for 2 years of my life. One Halloween night, I was handing out candy to the kids that showed up at the door. Apparently I gave too much candy to one kid and got the living shiznit kick out of me. I stood up for myself and said I wanted to go back home with my mom. My father agreed and he I called my mother. Her new boyfriend answered (she was married at the time) – she agreed to pick me up the next day. I told my father and he said good then punch me – I passed out. When I awoke he told me to get the F out. I did and slept on the stoop in front of the house. In the morning I can still remember him leaving for work. He stepped over me, got in his car and drove off. My mother showed up in the morning, threw my belonging in a bag and off we went to go live in Brooklyn (shout out to you Brooklyn (((smile)))). Everything I owned fit in a garbage bag. I remember it vividly.
Living with my mother was pretty much the same – a lot of guys. She worked in NYC and was never home. I remember me and my brother would look in the fridge when we were hungry. We always had – ketchup, mustard, water and bread. So we would make ketchup sandwiches. My brother and I learned how to shoplift. We did this to eat. One day, my mom came home and threw me and my brother out (we had cut school and drank all of her booze). My brother was able to stay with a friend and told me I was on my own. I was ten I think. I found a building and picked up all of the welcome mats to make a bed for my self on the roof. I found an elevator shaft that I slept in. It was warm. I found some candles and a milk crate and mate a nightstand with lights. I fell asleep and I awoke to a fire in the elevator shaft. I grabbed the milk crate and burned my hand. Huge blister formed. I cried. I walked to my mom’s boyfriends house. He opened the door. Looked at me (he was pretty shi* faced I think), gave me a bowl of water and went to sleep. My mother never woke up – she stayed in bed. The pain was unbearable so I left and went to find my brother. The mother of the friend he was staying at…looked at me…started to cry and then called 911. I was taken to the hospital and then became a ward of the state.
I was bounced from group home to group home. It was horrible. I felt like no one could love me. No one. God what did I do to deserve this I often wondered. Yet I knew I had to be strong…I had to survive. I ran away and went to live with my grandmother. I was 13 at the time.
Living with granny was a bit*h – All I heard is how she loved my brother more than me. I remember being pissed off. They pulled my brother out of his group home…me….I had to run away….boy what did that say about me. Living with my grandparent I found my healing…the thing that made all of the pain go away…yep…no more pain. All I had to do was “snort”. Yep coke was the drug of choice. Found friends that were dealers..started dealing myself to support my habit. One day, my best friend at the time (he later committed suicide) decided to break into an electronic store. This may sound bad but I can still laugh at it. I remember we gave a cab driver…3 vcr’s and 3 tv to keep shuttling us back and forth as we emptied the store. A week later I was arrested and off to jail I went. 3 years in max security for a kid. I ended up staying at the same place that Mike Tyson was at. I did 2.5 years sleeping with child murders, rapist, pretty much the worse of the worse. Yet some of them were really nice kids.
I have seen kids fu*ked in the as*, I have seen kids have the shiznit kicked out of them, I have seen people shot, I have seen a lot. I was 16 and half.
Before I go on – I want you all to know…one thing…..THIS ^^^^^^^^^ is why I am the father that I am. I will never have my kids live the life that I lived. Never!!!!! It is why I spoiled them. It is why I tell them everyday that I love them. It is what made me the man I am today.
Young Adult So..I was out of homes finally, I went back to live with my grandmother. I remember going to my first job interview. Dressed in a light blue silk shirt, black leather tie and dancing pants. I crack myself up when I think about it. I got my GED. Went into a bank and applied for a messenger job, the women – damn I remember it like yesterday – looked at me and said “your better than that sweetie – let me give you a math test”. I passed and got the job. I sat in a metal cage counting a millon bucks a day. Oh…the irony of it..here was juvvie, former drug addict, f’up kid, former thief, counting cash…I was promoted within a year. I was sent to the FX dept where I sold and purchase currency to the branches. Unfortunately, I started drugs again. I was fired when I told my supervisor to “go F yourself” and that since he was probably going to let me go I was going “to wait for you outside”. I found another job. I was 17 and 1/2 . I decided to move out of my grandmothers house. Sick of being told I was second to my brother. 17 and living on my own. I had beach furniture as my living room set. I had a small bed to sleep in…but it was mine. F that it was mine. I taught myself to cook and I started to live my life. My mother did not know where I lived. My grandmother did not know where I lived. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to heal…oh..yeah…those drugs made me feel better. So I started again..hook on coke. A functional drug addict.
Now that I had my own place, which interesting enough was down the block from three night clubs, I found my sexuality. Yep – not tooting my own horn but I was a good looking guy, had my own place, had a good job – made more money than all of my friends – I found women. A lot of them. I used them. I used them to fill a void in my life. Love them and leave them was my motto and boy did I do that. I did that while being a functional drug addict. I was working on wall street then. Then my life changed….it changed…I meant my wife. She was everything I was not…soft, gentle, kind, loving, niave, she was from the other side. I was in love. I was hooked. She was the light in my darkness. She feel hard for me. She knew my pain and wanted to make it go away. She wanted to love me and she did. Love me deeply did she. Ya know what…she was not ready..I knew it then and I know it NOW. She was not ready for the type of commitment that it would take to deal with me and all of my issue. You know what, NO ONE would be ready for that.
I was married on June 5th 1993, a few weeks later I found out I was going to be a DAD. I flipped the f out. Totally.
Married Life I became a father at 23. I was not ready. Drugs consumed me. I kept loosing jobs and finding other ones. I kept the façade of a “normal life” yet I was a druggie. I was fuc*ed up. My son was born and I decided to move to NJ. I did not want my son to grow up in NY – I wanted better for him. W stopped working while she was pregnant – she did not carry well and was told she needed to remain in bed. I was now forced to support a whole family – new car and the payment that went with it, rent, formula, every f’in thing. I kept saying to myself…you need to be strong EricmSant2. You can do this. I did do it….with the help of coke…..
We moved to NJ. I was totally hooked on drugs at this point. I was totally detached from my family. Totally. My son…well he had mommy. On new years eve…I came home from work…high as usual..opened the door to the apt we lived in and it was empty. She was gone. My love was gone. She left me with a bed. I cried and then went to get more drugs. I called her at her mom..she did not want to talk to me. She had “feelings” for someone else. I was evicted – I became homeless. I was fired. I was defeated. I was lost. I walked NY from one end to the other looking for work. I was told I would never work on the “street” again. I was discarded. I was the shi* that society steps over. I sat in a one bedroom apt and become drug free. I did this on my own. FTR – I have never taken drugs again. Ever. So personally, I get pissed off when people say that once an addict always an addict. I say to those – f u – come talk to me when you have walked in my shoes. I did it. I know it can be done.
My wife and I were separated for a year. While I was separated I found out that she was pregnant with my second son. I was never called when he was born. I found out when I went to go visit my son (one day a week I went to NJ and sat in a living room with him while everyone told me what a piece of sh** I was – I understood – they were hurt). To this day it still hurts me. My W and I reconciled. Her whole family told her that she was making a mistake. She loved me though and decided to give it a try. We moved to CT.
CT I started working for an investment management firm. Climb up the corporate ladder pretty damn fast. We bought a house. We had my daughter. I was a hell of a dad to my 2nd son. I felt I missed so much time with my first I was damed if I would miss my second. I would wake up at night to give him a bottle. He was my little man. On the career front, I managed multiple business areas. I kept making more and more money. Honestly, I was proud of myself…here was a f’ up kid with a GED that was making almost 200K a year. I was the fuc*ing man. You could’nt tell me sh**. My house was the party house. Kids over all the time. W home taking care of the kids. Everything seemed to be going well but underneath was a storm brewing…a storm that was years in the making. I became obsessed with work,…I worked 60 – 80 hrs a week. I wanted to provide for my kids. I gave them everything. Everything they never had they would have. I gave every kid everything. A kid behind me in toys r us that wanted a toy…well f that he got it. I wanted to fix and help every kid. Then all of a sudden…holly hell hit…the life that I thought was perfect crumbled. It was over.
The rest is history…those of you who remember my old post will now how my marriage fell apart.
As I sit here….I can tell all of you newbeies….
It get’s better if you let it. Stop f’in around and look at yourself. Really look at yourself. Don’t post bull – be freaking honest. If you commit to fixing you…you have no way but up. Freedom, peaces, love, hope, and happiness are yours for the taking. Don’t rush…don’t jump on the bandwagon and claim I stand for me..I am fine…You will know when you are healed. Feel the pain and make sure that you do not repeat your mistakes.
To everyone – if you call me your friend…now you know me…now you know who you are calling your friend. Take me for what I am..take me or leave me. Know this…all of you have impacted me in some way. Some of you more than others. For this I thank you!
Missher – Like I said to you on the phone…I can so relate…I am now grown at 40 and I no embarrassed to say it. I am now a MAN.
Bradley – This my friend is why I feel the way I do about being a father. Maybe this post will help shed some light on it. I am sorry if I hit you with the 2x4’s but being a dad is the most important thing to me and I just don’t want to see you miss it.
This is my story….Allow me to introduce myself…my name is EricMsant2 – I am a wounded, flawed man who feels deeply..who loves deeply…who no longer wears a MASK…a man that is free.
God Bless all of you.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Allow me to introduce myself ... my name is EricMsant2 ... I am a wounded, flawed man who feels deeply..who loves deeply...who no longer wears a MASK...a man that is free.
It is an absolute pleasure and honour to meet you
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Eric - This took an amazing amount of courage and soul searching to write...you have come a long way my friend. You are an amazing man that anyone would be honored to be friends with. Too bad that you live so far, I really want to give you a real hug.
This is your new start, the new you....I'm sure that you will make your life count...you are ready.
Cyber-hugs to you Eric
your friend Mila
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Eric, by all rights you should be dead. Do you realize how far you have come and all the obstacles you have have overcome? You are a strong person, so this will all be a bad memory for you in time. I realize that you have many bad memories in your life, and I pray to God you can have some good ones very soon!!!
