I am going through a whirl wind of emotions right now. My fiance has thrown in the towel as of April and refuses to believe the change within myself and for our future. We had a split about a year and a half ago then found ourselves shooting for the moon again. He finally came back with the persistence and crying I did (before I read DB). And now we are here at a halt again. It felt all of a sudden, he called me 8 times throughout the work day (on April 10th) begging to know if I had made the appointment with a therapist we had both agreed to go see. With finances and searching for the right one I hadn't yet and I told him I would schedule something for the next week. It was as if it was his last cry. The day before this he witnessed and was a part of a dramatic upheaval at my parents as we were visiting. That was the last straw for him because he saw that as a fright of my potential in our future. The day of the constant desperate calls for a therapy session he had me drop him off at his place and he was angered and distant the rest of the evening with no communication. The next day i had a conference to go to out of town and he was suppose to take me to meet for car pooling which he didn't do then forced me to have a friend of mine pick me up from the conference. I felt so confused. When he finally called me he ranted and raided over the phone how we couldn't work, he feels like this relationship has drained us and he has no hope. I felt like I was able to communicate with him to an extent but very limiting. That's what he concluded was our breakup, the phone call. I was suppose to honor his decision via phone conversation and then understand we were broken. Back in November I had one of those drunk insanity evenings as described in DB where I was unfaithful. I know that this was the worst I could have done to us but we both decided we were going to stay committed. (until April came ;(
We have talked once a week, because of bills, responsibilities the usual that comes with seven years of commitment. Each time he is extremely hostel and aggressive taking a stand in his position. We don't have any kids but my family is extremely close to him (specifically my sisters and mother) who he still communicates with and has spent some time with.( I am also close to his family as well) About three weeks ago was the first time we has seen one another and even discussed his choice face to face. I wish I could say I didn't express my heartbreak as I feel like the rug has been pull out from me but there were some weak points in our encounter. Each time we have talked since then he is not as hostel and talks about his hurt and frustration in bit's and pieces. Though he is still very defensive and tries to end any talk on his terms. He is that sport where he places the blame on me and talks of only bad memories he is hording. He has hinted how he sometimes feels like giving us a chance but can not trust the change right now.
I want us back! We were about to move into a business and home together. I am still going about the motions of things as planed, but I really want him to be apart of it as it has been what both of us have envisioned. My heart hurts right now and I wish I could fast-forward to show him what improvements I have committed to myself(to gain self-esteem and less arguing with us) so that he can trust our happiness that is in our future. Such apart of me feels absent and I know that we can work, we are always invincible when we apply ourselves. I read the DB book Sunday and felt encouragement from it and hope. I am hear asking for advice or questions about my situation so that maybe I can facilitate where my actions can be.
I feel like I am writing this for relation and someone to tell me it's going to be ok for us both. I can't afford the coach right now as I am a full time student and hoping to find some way to finance the coaching soon. So this is why I am here as well, and for the support.
Me:25 fiance :29 together: 7years
_____________________________________________________________ (response to above post trying to figure out how to use the board)
Thank you so much I just read this today, I am still trying to figure out how to find where people are replying to me and my posts.
My BF (Fiancé) is afraid of things never changing with me and in response to me, him. For the most part he always pressured me to get married but sometimes it felt like a seal the deal situation verses us coming together,(and with my age too I didn't feel like I knew what it was going to take to be a wife) while towards the situation we are in I was finally feeling secure and ready for us to begin really focusing on marriage.
Right now he is still in the mind frame of everything, arguing, nagging, finances, time management, time spent together or lack there of , obligations with school ect. was all my fault. I know that it took two to create some of our problems. When I look at this forum I see a lot of the same complaints about arguing about the small stuff and the typical couples fight type things. My family and us (BF& me)are very close as his is very divided and unstable with step-family and split members while I am close to his dad and brother (his mother(s) have always been an issue). My family has a history of lots of verbal yelling and aggression which is something that has always effected me and our relationship.Which one incident was what he felt was the last straw (back in April) and was his reason for stepping out of our circle. I was hurt most of all because I felt unsupported and abandoned where and when I needed him as a partner and the problem was completely out of my control and yet I felt he expected me to react and take matters differently, when I can't help the way my father acts or responds to things frown
We have emailed very little and communicated once a week via phone on his terms for things that seem almost like he is/has found reasons to call with the ball in his court. (i.e. 3weeks ago, I did slip up and called him late sat. night he didn't pick up but called me Sunday 3 times until he got a hold of me to tell me how hard it is for him to deal with this and how much it hurts and I can't be calling him. I stood strong {I felt like} and admitted I should not have called and I understand the way things have been making him feel to the best I could. He ended the discussion very aggressive and anxious/ in a fret and telling me not to call him. Then the following day Mon. he called me repeated times (4x) as I was at school never leaving a message , then he called my parents house spoke to my mom saying he was trying to get a hold of me(this is not a big deal cause he calls regularly to see how everyone is) then as I by chance was at my parents that evening my dad answered and he asked if I was there and he had been trying to get a hold of me. (my dad didn't thank anything of it and like he would normally he handed the phone to me = putting me on the spot) The whole point of this was to tell me I had left a camera piece at his place and he was going to drop it off for me????? These are the hardest situations because I don't know how to respond or react to those kind of situations.
Lately the harder things have been my little sisters who consider him blood (ages 19&14) have been inviting him to things and asking him to join us for social events such as a mutual friend of ours baby shower and family dinner(with me there or not). He did spend some time with them last 2 weeks ago and kind of spent a good while talking about me and how he felt as if I was always angry at him. They said he sounded more like himself then they have been hearing.
The most challenging event was my birthday last Tuesday where my sisters asked him to join us for my birthday dinner (with out my knowledge as the above requests were too). He did call me about 6pm saying very distantly(probably to protect himself)"Happy B-day,hope you have a great 25th" then proceeding to say that he knows it's going to be a painful day for me and that he doesn't want to be an a-hole and that he isn't trying to do that while my sisters keep inviting him to things(the conversation was very choppy) he just can't not now he doesn't know when "his life, he doesn't have much of an understanding of what his life has now or when he will be ready for what ever and he just doesn't know what it is in his future he has no understanding of what it is"
I replied saying thank you for your call it meant much for me to hear from him and to get some rest (he said he was really worn out from the day and work was long)
It makes me feel secure that he is still keeping in contact with my sisters but i know this is hard for them too which is hard for me to see. I do feel good to know that I can tell he is also going through this time too as I am.
Thank you so very much for your encouragement and hopes I know that the future is lively ahead, I am just growing stronger and stronger with each new thing I learn about myself.
Hi C1285, Found you! I am so sorry for your sitch and all the pain I know you're in right now. Small comfort but you are not alone. And I am not an expert but I hear a lot of hope in your sitch.
You say he hinted about giving it another chance but can't trust. Take this with caution but to me this sounds like you have an opportunity here.
Have you lived together previously? So you have some financial commitment apparently. It's good that you have worked out a weekly call to deal with that. He hasn't totally stopped C. You have a window with him.
Have you tried the techniques in DB, or Divorce Remedy? (Personally I like DR better - is more like a manual or how-to).
Have you set goals for the R?
Have you tried doing any 180s?
Then you need to try some of those techniques. Go back, and really study those chapters & do the things Michelle suggests.
Your Fiance sounds scared, confused. You want to be methodical, try the steps as suggested in DR/DB. This is my best advice to you. Don't try the go dark, until you've tried some of the other, less drastic techniques.
Also, your family is involved. This can make it more difficult. But not necessarily. So don't get discouraged. Go to library, or somewhere by yourself so you can get started on doing some of this work.
And, this is truly hard. Believe me I know. But you need to not be totally focused on your F. The more you obsess about his actions, will just feed the negativity of your sitch.
Try doing some things/activities alone, or just w your friends. This is called Get a Life (GAL). I'm still working on this Remember,even if you & he were together & everything were going great, you need to have a part of your life that's yours.
Other wise folk will be checking in. Please keep your mind open & consider their suggestions. I recommend you read posts (especially their backstories) by Coach, Sandy2, RuledWorld, Kara and a many others in the Newcomers forum.
I understand you can't afford a DB coach. Here are few items I was counseled to do when I hired one:
On a piece of paper, make 2 columns: What Does Not Work, on 1 side; and What Does Work on the other. Then think @ your interactions, and start putting them under these 2 categories.
Do MORE of what works, and less of what doesn't. Sounds a lot easier than it is! :-)
Set goals, for your R and for yourself. Write them down or post them here. Read in DR Michelle's tips on how to make manageable doable goals. And how to know if you're achieving.
One of my goals was to keep a window open w my H. Sounds like this could be one of yours too. You have this now w your C on the bills etc. What could you say that's positive to your F during this communicaiton?
Also, you should not feel abused during C with F. Find the Boundaries thread in Newcomers & read all you can.
Try some 180s. Read that section again & think about what you could do. She gives detailed instructions on how to monitor, when to stop etc. There is a Do a 180 forum on here you may like to read.
I know I'm telling to DO a lot of stuff. But that's the thing. It's action. And you (as opposed to you & he) may be doing most of it at - first anyway. You MAY be both OK, but no one can guarantee it. But YOU will be OK. You want to get to the point where you know YOU will be OK no matter what happens w F.
You are doing great! It takes time, so don't panic. Keep reading on here. You have my support & I'll check back asap. Have a nice 4th! (((hugs))))
Lots of fireworks to you too, thank you so much for reading and searching my thread (i think this means I was successful in making one lol).
I have been keeping a positive journal where I write all of the things I am thankful for and desire. the 180's I have been committing to my self slipping a few times but really trying to do the things that I have always wanted to say I can & have set for myself. I am concentrating on school and GAL. It's not easy, though when I am GAL things are a little easier to enjoy.
Yeah the little windows of C have been hopeful. Yes we did live together and I chose to move out (3 years ago)when I felt things were becoming too codependent as I also felt I was really sacrificing myself as a person through our struggles. We stayed on a roller-coaster once I moved out where we didn't have a defined relationship then after an emotional time of attempted separation (5months) we found ourselves back together happy and going forward to do this and aim for marriage this has been the past year and a half. Then as you read in my above post we found ourselves going back to bad habits, yelling, arguing, and not supporting healthy habitats towards our success. Right before he threw in the towel, that day was the day he repeating asked if I had made an appointment for a counselor as we had agreed on wanting to do. Then once he got off of work it was a total 180 and his choice to leave us. I am still left with confusion to the way this came about, and how one day he wanted to seek help and the next he wanted nothing to do with us??
The once a week communication about our bills is him calling me on his terms and no it hasn't been an agreed time or day. It's just coincidentally a once a week call I have received from him about one thing or the other when things seem to build up to a point where he needs to rant or rave about his frustration. These are the days that I am tested to see how I am applying the DB book (need to read DR still) for myself.
F called my mom Friday to let her know he was going to come by my parents to drop off bill money ( we have a loan out with my mom) he asked her how I was and how everyone else was doing they talked for about 15min.s or so. With out asking I receive the details about most of the comm. with him as my mom said he sounded more like himself with a bit of sadness/loneliness in his voice. This is what I wish to ease for him and where it becomes a bit hard to know that he is asking how I am to my mother but not to me.... Ok gona stop this rambling and get beack to being positive.
I'll take your advice and look at the suggested forums and write my goals down too. Thank you again!
It is the time factor that is heavy but reading others success stories after years of trying is keeping me faithful to the future and us coming back happily and fatefully. Seven years nearly eight, speaks for the obvious that there is something between us and that something trust!
Have the beautifulest day ever, -c1285
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months
Remember,even if you & he were together & everything were going great, you need to have a part of your life that's yours. 
It's just coincidentally a once a week call I have received from him about one thing or the other when things seem to build up to a point where he needs to rant or rave about his frustration. These are the days that I am tested to see how I am applying the DB book (need to read DR still) for myself.