It has a been a few weeks since I closed my thread and trust me I needed the time. Time to accept the advice that everyone was giving me. Time to begin the TRUE healing process. Time to really do the work. Time to REALLY LET GO.
I feel much better, I feel like things are much clearly. I know where I stand. I feel stronger. I should have detached a while ago but as most of you know this is easier said then done. I feel again - I feel my heart, my love, my fears. I feel everthing in all of it's glory. I now understand that....
1) I cannot control another. To do so, actually forces more grief to come my way. 2) Pain is needed in order to grow 3) Healing can only come with pain 4) Abandoment sucks if you run from it but run towards it and wow you really begin to discover things about yourself. 5) Feelings tend to be temporary yet we often project them as final. 6) Okay no laughing....shi* i was pretty f-up for a while 7) Grace is a wonderful thing 8) Changes take time, especially if they are true changes 9) Finding oneself is both a painful and uplifting experience. One that we often subconsionly fight. 10) I am human and will change and grow forever! 11) I am one hell of a dad 12) I was not the greatest husband - because I never realized the issues that i had in me that were never dealt with. Yeah..yeah..we talk about them, we mention them to folks but it is only we really look deep into our being that we find the root cause of the issue and can then put ourselves in a position to change/fix it.
I am in a much better place right..an interesting place..a place of self discovery... a place of peace (or as much peace as one can expect given what we live with).
So what has been going on in my R.
I continue to remain in the family room (no Jack I did not pick up the new pull out with the beer cup holders :)), I am detached and really for the first time focus on ME and my kids. The house seems somewhat peaceful. Everyone has kind of settled in there roles. W has been a bit more "accessable" - not that we have any R talks and our conversation are very brief..She does say things like "have a good day" or "good night". About two weeks ago we had a pleasent conversation about my oldest. The convo remained focused on the kids.
All in all, I think that W may be working on "co-parenting", which is good for kids. She appears to be trying to spend a little more time with them.
The interesting thing is that she has said things like "you look handsome today" (said it this morning) or "you smell nice". I find these comments interesting but I DO NOT allow them to force me back to the old habit of thinkin that "she is comming out of it". No way..I'm staying focused on me. I believe that OM is still in the picture but other than trying to deal with the anger about him (when it comes to my mind) I really just focus on myself. I now understand that this is a long journey a journey for both her and I.
I do have one question to those wise dbers out there...how do I respond to those you look nice comments? I think I should just say thank you. Do I also comment on how she looks? Probably not but figured I would ask. Also, since the blow up about the OM, I wonder if she thinks that I am "ok" with it since we are being somewhat pleasent. Is this normal?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, you are doing great, you've made such a progress...so good to see
About you questions... My H used to compliment me while having the affair. I would just say "thank you". And I do compliment him, when he does anything nice I acknowledge it or about the way he looks...I would say "That jacket looks really good on you" or "I like you in those jeans". Nothing sexual...just nice comments. I don't think there is harm in that. I always received positive reactions from H on my compliments.
And about being nice to each other while you know that she is seeing OM. Yeah, I was questioning that as well when I was in that position, but trust me she knows that you don't approve and that what she is doing is hurting you.
My H when he wanted to R said..."The love you were showing me throughout all of this is what made me want to come back".
So keep at it, you are on the right track
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Eric - sounds like you are doing well and are in a good place right now.
If she compliments you, yes say thank you. One thing I have determined through all this is MLC or not, I am still going to be a pleasant person. That is who I want to be. I do occasionally tell my H he looks nice when he is dressed up more than normal but keep it very simple. I personally don't see any reason not to as long as he doesn't seem to react negatively (and he doesn't). If it caused a negative reaction, I wouldn't.
I do have one question to those wise dbers out there...how do I respond to those you look nice comments? I think I should just say thank you. Do I also comment on how she looks? Probably not but figured I would ask. Also, since the blow up about the OM, I wonder if she thinks that I am "ok" with it since we are being somewhat pleasent. Is this normal?
I think that you do what you feel you need to do...
If you want to tell her she smells nice, or looks nice, then do it.
Just own it, and mean it when you do....
DO NOT expect anything in return from her.
Would telling her that send you into an orbit ?
Only you know what you need to do right now, and how close you choose to allow yourself, and how you interact.
Remember how you got to where you are, and the road you have already walked.
How painful some of those steps felt, and think about how much more it will hurt to get dragged backward over those steps.
Thank you for your response. Yeah, I suspect that when I (focus on "I") have a positive feeling towards her that I should allow those feeling to be expressed. Not with any expectation but just because that is how I feel.
Yes I am in a better place right now but by now means is the work over. I know that I have a long way to go...yep...very long but it is the length of TIME that is to my advantage. I NOW know this. I will say it was one hell of road to travel to finally get to the place that I am at but one that I guess needed to be traveled.
Mach - spot on - NO EXPECTATIONS. NONE. Everything I do these days is for me and my kids. Yes I still have hope that a NEW M can be formed but it it does not then so be it - either way I am different and will be different. At the end of day, whenever or if ever she is done with her walk down the MLC road, she too will be different. God willing these two different people can connect again but this is outside of my control.
"how much more it will hurt to get dragged backward over those steps."
Yep - I am not going down that path again. Trust me. I love her and myself enough to finally realize that I only control my actions and responses to her actions - detaching and finally focusing on me has finally allowed me to separate myself from her issues. Can she still manage to push a button? Yes I suspect she can but that is only if I allow her to. Once again I finally realize that I control me - nor her.
Yep - I think I'm learning how to fish. I may not be able to go shark fishing yet but I am sure I can catch a goldfish in my fish tank Hey it's progress.
In terms of the "new Eric" - I'm still trying to figure that guy out. What I can tell you, is that he is still the same handsome, sexy chap Just kidding just kidding.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, I have appreciated all the advice you have given me. And I want you to know that I also learn by reading about your own situation. I am happy that you are moving toward focusing on you. And I have no idea what you look like, but I loved the part about you being the "same handsome, sexy chap."
While reading you talk about living in your family room, I had one of those light bulb moments realizing that I had actually been living like that for a couple of years. We slept in the same bed, but we were more like roommates. And, now I remember actually saying that to h on more than one occasion.
So, I've been in this MLC hell for a while now. And while that may seem like bad news to some people, it actually gives me some comfort. Because for the first time I realize I have been dealing with my husbands MLC for a while and this is just one of the worst parts of it. And, I also realize that some women would have already taken a hike by now, so I must be stronger than I give myself credit for!
As for whether you should let your wife know if she looks good, I would approach that as you would anyone else you know. If you are the kind of person who easily gives compliments to others then I see no reason why you wouldn't tell your wife when she looks nice. IMO that just shows you are paying attention to her and are being nice. Of course, it would send an entirely different message if you said "Wow, you look hot!" instead of simply you look nice today. That would definitely give her the wrong impression!
The best advice I received from someone when I told them I needed to find myself was this. He said well, of course you are having a difficult time with that because you have been married almost twice as long as you were single. And, you have changed as a person, not just as a wife, over that period of time. So, he told me not to try to just pick up from where I was way back then, but to just start moving forward and see what happens. That makes more sense to me than actually trying to "find myself".
It sounds to me like you are doing great. As my daughter likes to tell me....think about a duck paddling in the water. They look like they're just gliding along when they are paddling their little feet a mile a minute! So, now my daughter will look at me when I have that blank look on my face and say, "Mom, just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" That daughter of mine is pretty smart.
Eric- been a while my friend...forgive me, I haven't been posting or reading too much due to GALing- I FEEL GUILTY!!!!
I love your list of lessons learned above, and you are doing a great job.
Mach1 has it right- do what you want to do, own it, and NO EXPECTATIONS.
If OM is still in the picture...be the better option and best dad (as you have been doing), and ride it out...the a will not last- I know it sucks though...you seem detached so that will help.
Again, sorry I haven't been around in a while...enjoy the fishing- I'm about ready to pick that up as well...
Eric You sound strong I remember a DB coach told me if anything I did brought the R closer or made it better, to continue If it made it worse then stop so use that as a guide I know it is hard especially while still under the same roof but you are doing well continue on the road to self awareness and growth that is where we are suppose to be and if W awakens you will be there, ready and already a changed man peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
